Friendly Confrontations?

[deja true]

Several recent threads about being Out and About have brought up the subject of being clocked and not panicking.

Has anybody approached and talked to someone who has read them in public?

How did it go?

[DAVIDA]

It has been a while since I have been out dressed. But, I can assure you that those that see me when I do go out, "clock me" for sure! I had a lady hold the door open for me as I was coming out of a restaurant and she was coming in.

[deja true]

See, girls, here's what I had in mind when I asked the question. I didn't want to put all this in the opening post, so I could get an idea what ya'll's take on it might be. This is an excerpt of a PM I just sent a friend who asked if I was woried about being read...


"I'm not worried actually... I'm thinking that confronting, in a friendly way, those that read us from afar and smile might be a good learning experience for all involved. And if it happens to me, I'd really love to go up and talk to them. Not so much to find out how they read us, but to sorta recruit more accepting members of the public. To see if they can get an idea of our 'normalcy' rather than our freakishness. To see if they can carry away from that meeting the thought that "That was an interesting person really!" rather than "Poor closet fag!" Know what I mean? Kinda like prosyletizing for the cause!"

See what I'm sayin'? But give me your experiences and thoughts!

[Holly]

I have no illusions of passing. I'm read nearly every time I go out. So what? The people I have one-on-one encounters with have all been kind and respectful. Oh, I've had a group of teenagers point and giggle, but then again, they giggle at buggers, so who cares! Deja I think your thoughts are right on target and they are my personal goals as well... leaving a positive impression with the general public as to who we are as a community.

[Jenny Doolittle]

I love it when someone has the courage to come up and speak to me about dressing. Sometimes we think it is only us that require courage to speak to strangers. As Deja said, It is the oppertunity to show people we are actually nice people.

One day while out shopping in gift shops there were a small group of women speaking about local girltalk issues and they were quite nice including me in the conversation. I loved that kind of acceptance.

[tamarav]

Although I like to feel that I pass most of the time, reality is that there is always someone who sees right through me and starts nudging their friends and pointing. Many times I just tell myself they think I am a call girl (previously posted on this exact subject) or some other fantasy but I do realize that they have figured me out.

On some occasions and when I feel safe enough to do it, I get up, walk over to their table, lean down and say something like "guys need a hobby too" or "watch out for the blonde over there, that is a guy" (usually pointing out the most spectacular woman in the place) Generally the person is curious and wants to talk about it and many times will actually ask me to come over and sit with her and her friends. I have spent many very nice nights sitting and talking with straight girls that simply have questions. After they realize I had no plans on eating their young alive, they turn out to be very insecure women and just wanted to better understand.

Unfortunately, as we all feel somewhat on stage when we are out dressed, I assume that every person that looks at me has made me, when in reality many of the times women are merely commenting to themselves on my top or shoes or hair or whatever. In the recent past I have merely smiled and kept to myself and not exposed my true identity to them and let them carry whatever their thoughts were with them. That has been pretty successful for me lately.

Your sis,

Tami

[jennifer41356]

it happens quite frequently when we at the gay bars...the gay guys I have met , really like to know how I got started was I fulltime, interesting questions...I dont mind answering questions from folks who are interested in learning about TG things

[tricia_uktv]

It depends where are you and what you mean. I don't deliberately approach other people but sometimes they approach me. The best way to respond when being clocked is to hold your head high and smile. You do sometimes get a load of comments and your not armed with many weapons. By far the best one is humour and openness. I've turned round a few conversations by just being open about myself. Most people are fascinated that you have the guts too do it and are interested to find out what made you start.

I'm starting to enjoy this sort of thing happening but it has taken a long time. I think you need to know and accept what you are first.

[deja true]

Yeah, darlin's...this is just what I had in mind to do...

It's all about marketing, babies! When the world sees that we're not a threat to their sons and daughters, that dressing is no stranger than collecting beer cans in the basement (now that's weird!), that we're not all homicidal sociopaths (except for a coupleof those Yorkshire gurls!), then we might be able to live a little freer in the world.

Maybe we need a full time PR person in the big GLBT orgs. Their first job is to get the message across to the other letter folks.

Thanks, gurls! Anything from the guys?

[Deborah Jane]

I got approached when i was walking my dog, but managed to get on to another path before he reached me.
Maybe i should have let it happen, but i wasn,t sure what to expect and i got nervous

[boy2girl31]

i am always worried about going out dressed alone but the way you all talk people are more understanding than I'd have guessed. Maybe I should go it alone to see what people think. when your out with a bunch of gurls that are built like football players people pretty much leave you alone so you don't get to talk to them much.

[charlie]

When I first started going out to bars a guy in the bar said from across the room that I looked like Robin Williams. Now at the time I was in wig, short skirt, heels and a silk blouse! I immediately corrected him telling him I would then be Ms. Doubtfire! He and his buddies cracked up, gave me a high fives and bought me a drink. I even got a hug from his girlfriend. I think not slinking away and talking to people eases the situation. Did I enjoy it? Absolutely not. The wig and outfit were never worn again.

[MentalMercury]

Very interesting... I don't go out normal places dressed but if I went to a club and someone read me and had questions, I'd be happy to talk to them about it. Of course I would noiminate Deja True for our spokesperson Nobody could match her abilities at smooth talking.

[Kimberly Kael]

In my experience the best way to put someone at ease is to treat them like you would if you weren't dressed unusually at all. A polite greeting, a friendly smile, and some casual conversation appropriate to the environment makes an immediate, positive impression that most people can't resist. Making people feel comfortable about being around me is my first priority. I make it point not to steer conversation toward the transgender issue myself, but if I'm out and somebody else takes the first step then I try to be as open and honest as I can about it and will gladly answer questions.

I haven't ever gone out of my way to approach someone who had something negative to say since I'm not looking for trouble. I suspect the point of making a negative remark in public is to distance themselves from someone they feel threatened by. If they're uncomfortable and insecure enough to try to focus attention on me then I think it's safe to assume that approaching them won't put them any more at ease! I believe that the best way to reach these people is through the rest of society.

[deja true]

Your absolutely right, Kimberly. Nobody wants to even approach someone who might be or appears to be threatening.

But many girls who go out often see folks eyeing them quizzically or even smiling. (There's probably no doubt that most of those smiles are not necessarily those of warmth or greeting, but of the head-shaking OMG variety.) In a closed in situation like TamaraV's club experience or Suzy Harrison's trans-Australian () flight, there really is no threat involved.

It's situations like these that, I think, are open to us to do a little schmoozing. While we're not gonna turn straight people into GLBT activists, we might be able to at least get them to think a little deeper about their fellow human beings of all variations.

We don't even have to dressed to do it, just more accepting of ourselves. Last time I was in a VS (in drab, beard and all), I approached a senior SA and asked her to show me something. Before she even had a chance to ask,I told her it was for me. Her little quick startled look gave me the opening to start a conversation. "Do you get many men buying lingerie on their own?" I asked. She answered that many men buy lingerie for their wives and girlfriends. So, I told her that in all probability, many of those men were actually buying for themselves. Our conversation continued about CDing and feelings and even transitioning. She was learning a lot, she said,and at the end of the looking and buying and credit card swiping, she said thanks and walked me to the door. Positive for me; I got braver. Positive for her; she learned something about other's lives and probably passed it along to her workmates.

I'm gonna pursue this idea out there. How 'bout you?

[Nicki B]

I don't ever imagine anyone I talk to believes I was born a girl - but they treat you perfectly amicably if you act as if it's perfectly normal to be you? 'Cos it is, you know..

[linnea]

Even when I think that someone has read me for a crossdressing male, I have been treated in a polite way (in a way that I treat women when I cross paths with them in public, like allowing them to go ahead of me through passage ways, doorways, etc.)

[kaseymaekay]

I too get pinned every time out, 6'6" with no heels, wide shoulders and no butt. I always hold my head high, and the more comments the stronger my resolve. the girls always respond favourably to aknowledgement, whether that be a nod and smile or a "hey gorgeous." I find most guys are struggling with their embarrassment of their previous comments to their mates. From 20 yards + i am a tall leggy lady, only close up they realise and start backpeddaling. One guy literally knocked himself out on a streetlight pole trying to get another look.

[Rachel Morley]

This is a good thread.

I've never actually had someone strike up a conversation with me, the only thing I've had is what seemed like "knowing smiles". I just smile back.

However, one of my CDing friends told me a story where she got read by two teenage girls (pointing and giggling at her) when she was shopping at the mall. She smiled back, but then walked over to them and she asked them "Am I such a rare sight then?" to which the two teenage girls replied "well, actually yes you are. We've never seen a crossdresser in real life before".

I guess this proves your point. People know that we exist, but we need to get out there and be seen more so that people can form their own opinions of us not what is thrust upon them by the media etc.

[donnadawn]

I went to a hair salon the other day to get a hair cut and have some curls put in it. I have long hair that I keep in a pony tail. I was dressed in femme but not overtly so. It was obvious that I was wearing a bra and a pair of shoes that had a one inch heal as well as women's slacks. It was also obvious that she noticed because she gave me the once over as I sat down in the chair to first get a shampoo. She didn't say anything the whole time about my outfit but when whe was done I thanked her for being so pleasent knowing that I was a CDer. She just said that every one is free to do as they please. No disapproval but no complements either. It was just a smile and a thank you. It was my first encounter whith some one who new I was a CDer. I think we both learned something. I'm ready for another encounter.

[Annie D]

I have what I consider a safe place, a place where the employees are friendly and accept me as a crossdressing male. My nail salon is that place where I get manicures, pedicures and chest and arm waxing. Although I don't wear any make up other than some lipstick, I am usually dressed in outerwear of capris, a blouse and sandals. I have never tried to pass but only worn the type of clothing that all the others wear. I am always afraid of being confronted by the patrons of this establishment but to my surprise I have always been accepted and treated kindly. Many ladies have struck up conversations with me and shown me kindness. I have never been uncomfortable once inside the salon, it is the fear that I have going from the car across the parking lot and entering the door. By continuing to frequent my "safe place" I hope to overcome my own personal fears but also to gain acceptance.

[tgirlinva]

I don't know. I've never been out in public and therefore never was able to be read (hopefully, that won't happen, but that's another thread). But I'm putting myself in your shoes and from the perspective of the tgirl: a) i wouldn't want to be confrontational b/c i don't want to stand out even more and b) i'm not sure if the thing they were laughing at was me, i mean, they could've giggled because they saw bozzo the clown behind me. I don't know. From the pointer/starer's perspective: how would they know i'm truly a man. i mean i could pinpoint a whole bunch of people that have masculine features. that's one of the things plastic surgeons do. so why risk being proved stupid?

[Fab Karen]

And if it happens to me, I'd really love to go up and talk to them. Not so much to find out how they read us, but to sorta recruit more accepting members of the public. To see if they can get an idea of our 'normalcy' rather than our freakishness. To see if they can carry away from that meeting the thought that "That was an interesting person really!" rather than "Poor closet fag!" Know what I mean? Kinda like prosyletizing for the cause!"

Not everyone who reads you is going to be welcoming. Please don't set yourself up like that. Go about doing "normal" things dressed, shopping, eating, etc. & if you're read & seen as just another person in society doing "normal" things & having common interactions with people ( like a waiter or a salesperson, etc. ) that will accomplish much of your goal.
btw, what someone might assume about your sexuality isn't something you should be concerned about ( unless you're trying to get a date with them ).

[DanaR]

There is another thread that I posted a response to, that would be applicable to this thread as well. The other thread is:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=82964

Here was my post:

Back in the early 1990’s, while attending several Esprit conventions, some of us were at the hotel bar and had other bar customers look at us and comment to them selves. What we started doing, was when someone started looking at us, one or a couple of us would go over to their table and start talking to them. Most of the time we were invited to sit with them, they were curious about us. Since we started doing this we have made many new friends.

I guess what I’m saying is, if you become embarrassed or react in a negative manner when you are noticed you will be treated accordingly. If you smile and react in a positive manner or engage that person in a conversation; who knows, you might make a new friend.

What happened after several years of us interacting with the locals, at Esprit, every year the locals would come down to visit with us. We made a lot of new friends and became more accepted in this logging community.

Here is a link to a story about last weeks Esprit convention:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/htm...sgender17.html

Years ago when asked why they picked this community to have an event like this, their answer was if you could have it here, you could have it anywhere.

[JoAnnDallas]

If I could read peoples thoughts, I bet when I am at my nail salon getting the works (pedicure/toe nail polish/manicure/nail polish/eyebrow waxed) that I would hear both GAY or CD thought when another customer would look at me. The last time I was in, my tech had finished waxing my brows when I accidently touched something and found that the polish on my nails was not completely dry. So I walked up to her station, asked it the customer if I could talk to her, and then showed her my nail. The customer then said, "Oh, I hate it when I do that. Go ahead and fix her up, I can wait".