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Thread: Coming out experiencies, results and insights

  1. #1
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    Coming out experiencies, results and insights

    Hello Everyone, I was wondering what experiences, results and insights anyone has had on coming out of the closet to ones wife. You know how you did it, did it work? would you change the way you did it?
    I've been married for 7 years and my wife dosen't know, (maybe suspects somewhat).
    I came out with my ex wife and she was ok with it for awhile then it was too much for her and she left. with my current wife I never told her because you know "I thought there was something wrong with me" But this dosen't ever go away. I started when I was12 and have been dressing of and on for over 40 years.

    Well girls please let me know your thoughts.

    Julie

  2. #2
    New Member dove's Avatar
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    outs

    She never needs to know!

  3. #3
    Silver Member trannie T's Avatar
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    I am single but it never ceases to amaze me how some people can keep their crossdressing hidden from their spouses. The key to a good relationship is communication. By not communicating an important part of one's life to the spouse hurts the relationship when the truth finally comes out.
    It takes a real man to wear a dress.

  4. #4
    Full Time Lady Paula Rae's Avatar
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    Smile She's right

    Hey Julie,
    Listen to Trannie, she hit the nail on the nose. You can't get any better advice.

    Paula Rae
    [SIZE="1"]Member: Diablo Valley Girls[/SIZE]

  5. #5
    Metal Mistress from CT MentalMercury's Avatar
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    I agree TrannieT. Crossdressing is more than a secret habit for me and I'm sure most of us, it's a huge part of who I am. To get married to someone and not have them know is absolutely baffling to me.

    I can't add experience coming out to a wife here because I don't have a wife.. or even a girlfriend at the moment. But I have told all sorts of random friends and a coworker and I'm more than glad I did, I havn't done nearly as many CD things as I want to (clubbing, crossplaying) but I've already had a bunch of fun times I wouldn't have had if I just kept quiet, with more on the way. So personally, keeping it from everyone is/was just not an option. Granted there are some people I'm not comfortable telling.

  6. #6
    Member Sara Olivia's Avatar
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    Rather than telling my wife everything all at once I started by confiding to her that I enjoyed wearing pantyhose once in a while. After she was used to seeing me wear them under my pants around the house a few times I gradually was able to progress with my dressing. This gave her time to come to terms with my dressing. She has been wonderful and accepting since then and I no longer have to keep my secret from her.

  7. #7
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    Thanks everyone for your thoughts, I have considered baby steps, she caught me once wearing her panties, that would have been a good opportunity, but I missed it. So much fear being a crossdresser it can be paralyzing.

  8. #8
    Junior Member putz0611's Avatar
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    I know this was how CDers told their wives, but I couldn't resist posting. If I could suggest getting your own panties and wearing them instead of hers, as a start. I caught my SO wearing my panties and I didn't want to listen for a long time after that. My SO having their own things helped ease my mind, it took some of the kinkiness out of her wearing mine.
    Also, if your SO is already thinking that you are hiding something, her fears might be a lot worse. You never know. I thought my SO other was hiding something and it turned out to be the CDing. It has taken me over a year and a half to come to accept it, but I have. My fears were a lot worse than the truth.
    The decision is ultimately yours, but secrets always have a way of getting out. You need to tell her before she finds out on her own, it hurts more when you find out on your own.
    PUTZ

  9. #9
    Member melisss2u's Avatar
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    Smile

    at this moment i donot see any good from telling my wife

  10. #10
    Senior Member Jenny Doolittle's Avatar
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    I have to agree with Trannie and Paula.... communication is always best. but that is my situation. I never felt better after telling my wife I had to dress. I did it in a round about way like 22 yeras ago. and it took several conversations before she actually got it.
    Now. after 34 years of marriage we are still togeather, she still is only tolorant of Jenny, but at least I dont feel I am living in a lie and she feels better becasue she knows I have the ultimate in trust in her.

  11. #11
    Member leslie ann's Avatar
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    i personally can not understand why anyone doesnt/wouldnt tell thier partner its EASY next time shes getting dressed just say to her those are sexy i want some see where it goes from there i bet its easyier than you think 45 yrs EVERYgirlfriend ive had knew ide say only 1 1/2 were not cool with it like the other girls DONT get caught youll be sorry just bring it up like its something new and fun good luck and hey thats what those two things under your wienny are for i hope i can say that word just be confident its not that big a deal usually
    Last edited by leslie ann; 05-27-2008 at 08:58 AM.

  12. #12
    Member paulaluvssz8's Avatar
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    Hi, I told my wife about 5 years ago... And needless to say I did it wrong, all wrong. She knew about my love for wearing panties and even supported it and we had some boundries that she was comfortable with. But after some time had passed, I wanted to reveal to her my interest in CDing. To be dressed completely. When she ask to see what I had bought the mistake was that I assumed that she was ready for it. Instead of taking it slow and a little at a time. I sprung it on her all at once. The wigs, skirts, tops, bras, panties. The works.... Well after a couple of months of "don't ask, don't tell" she left me a letter. And gave me the ultimateum. Stop or we are through! Well for somewhat of a year I stopped. But my interest never went away. I love the feel of femme clothing. The getting dressed and all. But she doesn't know, and so far I cannot bring it up or tell her that I still want to dress. So for now and my marriage sake. I just stay in the closet to myself. And make the best of it.

    So no matter what you decide to do take it SLOW..... Don't push, and let her lead and only reveal in steps that you can handle for now.
    No, those are my Panties]

  13. #13
    Maturing Member JoAnnDallas's Avatar
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    I told my wife a little over a year ago. She was NOT very happy about it. She basicly said if I must, then she did not want to see me fully dressed or even pictures of me fully dressed. A little later, I got her to let me have a Saturday afternoon, once a month to dress. I usually combined this with my Tri-Ess meeting, so I could get about 10-12 hrs of dressing time. Then about 1.5 months ago, she got her schedule mixed up and we came face-to-face with each other with me fully dressed. Since then she has decieded to accept my CDing and now has even gone shoe shopping with me. I contiue to take it slow. I am letting my wife take the lead, as this makes it easier on her.
    Since this next Tri-Ess meeting is the annual banquet/Prom and we have already went shoe shopping for it and she has seen me in my Prom outfit and new heels, I am thinking of asking her if she will help me with my makeup and such.

  14. #14
    Senior Member charlie's Avatar
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    It seems that many of us here has lost our SO's by telling them that we like to dress in women's clothes. A very select and lucky few of us here have partners that accept the dressing and accept it as part of their SO's personality, a few more say do it if you must and grudgingly acknowledge that we are dressing and others say do it and don't let me know any further about it. Given the preponderance of wives that end up saying they have lost the "manly" husband they married and leave, why risk telling your SO? It simply makes no sense.
    Charlie

  15. #15
    Member stellatoo's Avatar
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    Telling others

    I've told a number of people over the years and only one girl has finished with me because of it. Granted not everyone has been "great lets go out and party girl!" but I've had some great times

    I don't think I could have an intimate relationship without telling!

    But I understand how difficult it is for others.

    My last g/f-who I was with for 13 years-asked me why I kept so much to myself before I told her; so I told her, taking a big chance as she was friendly with a few girls at work who "had it in for me" and my g/f and I were seeing each other on the QT!

    But she let me know she didn't mind and we evn had a few nights out together-and more than a few nights in! before she cooled to the idea-we moved in together and I think she wanted a man about the house. Well I tried hard to be that man...but she still left. Luckily on good terms and we're still quite friendly

    Stella
    "Slipping into stockings, stepping into shoes"
    The shortness of life prevents us from entertaining far-off hopes. From Horace’s Odes, Book 1,4

  16. #16
    Silver Member Tomara's Avatar
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    I also think honesty is the best way to go . If you think she suspects some try to start SLOWLY a conversation about what she is thinking and take it from there . I dont think you can have a healthy relationship with secrets between you . Good luck . Tomara

  17. #17
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    I`m in the same situation as Paula, although I havent been divorced, if caught again who knows

  18. #18
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    Wow lots of feed back Thanks everyone.
    I agree that a healthy relationship should be open and honest. However I lost my last wife because of coming out, then as some of us do I kept thinking something was wrong with me and would stop for awhile then I got married again but the desire has come back in force, I rent a locker at a local CD studio and dress whenever I can. I really enjoy reading what others have done and the results they had. I know every woman is different and reactions will vary. But every piece of insight is helpful, thanks, Julie

  19. #19
    Donna Michelle Donna Michelle's Avatar
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    My late wife Julie knew before we were married and we were married just days shy of 18 years before she died of cancer. My current wife did NOT know about me until I confessed to secretly wearing her panties and bras after 5 years of marriage.

    I only recently came (back) out of the closet and she was not surprised. But she was disappointed that I kept secrets and lied to her. She forgave me since society doesn't accept crossdressers very well. She understood that much. She bought me girly things and encouraged me to find friends who like me for who I am.

    You should be honest. If she doesn't accept you, then maybe you would be happier with someone who will. Because you can't change who you are. Believe me, I tried to quit and could NOT quit. I have been doing this for over 50 years, longer than my wife has been alive! I am glad she is so supportive.

    Slowly admit to dressing. Tell her you secretly wear panties but no one knows. Then add items but only indoors. You don't have to go public yet. See how she handles this. She does not have to be seen with you if/when you go public. But if she talks to other wives of supportive crossdressers, maybe she can accept things.

    My wife even helps other crossdressers with clothes and makeup. It helps them and her. They feel accepted and she doesn't feel like she is the only person married to a weirdo! Actually, she proved to me that I am not the only weirdo in town when she found others online. Yay!

    Julie, my CD friend Debbi did NOT tell her wife, because she KNOWS her wife does NOT like crossdressers or transgendered people. My wife thinks Debbi would be happier to be honest and let things take their course. We let Debbi hide her girl stuff at our house, but my wife doesn't like secrets or lying, especially between spouses. But my wife won't interfere, just give advice.

    Debbi was divorced and so was her current wife. They do a lot of things independently. They don't seem to want to do things together and maybe that is why my wife thinks Debbi should just tell her now. But we understand where Debbi stands. Still, Debbi talks about when she was single, having fun and sleeping in girly nighties. She misses so much of her life. Debbi seems like she would be happier single, so it seems like we want HER to confess and see what happens.

    In your case, I really think you could introduce CD friends and see how your wife reacts to them. Ask if/why she doesn't like them. If she does like them, that would be great. My wife also believes that most wives are suspicious, because we ARE different from "normal" guys and she knew I was different. She truly was NOT surprised when she found out.
    Last edited by Holly; 05-31-2008 at 09:10 AM. Reason: Merged two consecutive posts... please use the EDIT button to add content or the multiquote function to reply to multiple posts in a single post. Multiposting is not permitted on the forum.

  20. #20
    Senior Member Sally2005's Avatar
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    If the boat has some leaks in it, but you are bailing the water out fast enough and is still floating it is best not to rock it. What I'm trying to say is no relationship is perfect and life is complex so to say it is a good thing to out yourself to your wife may be bad advice. The advice to do it slow is good. My take on the honesty angle, is I intend to tell her, I just haven't found a good way or had enough time yet. You have to know what you want to tell her also... feel her out...next time you see someone in drag tell your wife it looks like fun and you are going to try it and see what she says.

  21. #21
    Donna Michelle Donna Michelle's Avatar
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    My wife and family saw me dressed up for Halloween a few times. She even bought my Pocahontas costume, wig and accessories including earrings. But she thought it was just an occasional thing. She knew that Halloween was MY favorite holiday and she figured out why.

    Don't think your wife is totally clueless, but don't shock her with the full story all at once. My wife tolerates a lot, but she doesn't want me to be a woman all of the time. She wants time with the man she married and not just her "new" big sister.

  22. #22
    Member Ellen Ross's Avatar
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    Julie,

    I can really relate to you. I am about the same age, and have a wonderful relationship with my wife of 19 years. That said, I have recently found such an increased desire to cross over to the femme side that I had to take some kind of action. I thought I would try to see if I could pass once, and see how it felt. I could not have imagined how comfortable I felt. I too keep some things at a local shop (wonder if it is the same one) and dress whenever I can. As I look back I have been dropping hints for over a year. I really want to tell my wife, but at this point the risk is too great. We are going to see Eddie Izzard this summer, and I an hoping for an opportunity to present itself.

    Ellen

  23. #23
    Rotten 80's child Nicole Erin's Avatar
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    It is up to you if you tell her.
    It is better you tell her than her finding out.

    In a nutshell for me -

    My wife knew I liked to wear hose, but when I showed her, it went over horrible.

    months later I started dressing 100%. I almost got caught and decided to tell her. She already had suspicions. Anyways, the same nioght I almost got caught, I told her I needed to explain something but I didn't want her freaking out or getting pissed off.
    "...pantyhose is not the only thing I like to wear..."

    She was cool at first, had all the usual questions, and wanted to meet "Erin". So she did.

    We had been married for about a year. Anyways, we are still together 12.5 years, and while she doesn't like the CD'ing, it has not hurt our relationship.

    Take note - from the things I have heard and read, the divorced CD's didn't split just like that when the "other" woman came to light, usually several other problems were involved. So if your relationship is strong, this will not hurt it [unless she is some super conservative type.]

  24. #24
    Breakin' social taboos TGMarla's Avatar
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    I see both sides of it. It's real easy for the unattached, single, uninvolved, and younger transgendered folks, as well as those who came out to their wives and girlfriends successfully, to make blanket statements about the necessity of coming forth about one's crossdressing, but the reality of the situation may well preclude such a cut and dry solution.

    Another blanket statement: "If she doesn't accept your crossdressing, then she just isn't the right woman for you in the first place." Remember that one? It's another piece of absolute rubbish that is bandied about on this forum as some laid-in-stone gospel truth.

    I love my wife. Period. No buts. No ifs. It's my business who I have my life's relationship with. I have a terrific wife, and I love her very much. But she is not down with crossdressing. She knows I do it, but she's not real good with it. That's her right, and I try to respect that.

    I didn't tell her because I knew I'd lose her. And losing her was too great a loss to imagine. She found out about it some years after we married, at first by accident, then by reading a very long letter that I wrote to her disclosing all the details about my crossdressing. I found it two days later in the paper shredder. We have almost never spoken of it since. It caused some really tenuous moments, and nearly a divorce. I'm happy to say, though, that my marriage is at present in a very good state, too. But I still don't want her walking in on me when I'm fully dressed. I don't think it would make for a very pleasant situation.

    So let's not judge what others should do, as every relationship is different. If they were all the same, it wouldn't hurt to lose them. If you feel that you should tell, then by all means, tell. If your fear of rejection prohibits you from telling, then maybe it's not time yet.
    Last edited by TGMarla; 05-28-2008 at 08:58 PM.

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  25. #25
    Junior Member nina1947's Avatar
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    I don't think there's any easy answer. Each of us has to answer the question "How much privacy do I want and demand in a relationship?" I'm very private and have no intentions of discussing all of my desires, but clearly some things slip out. Good luck and don't let anyone push you into anything you don't want to do. hugs, Nina

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