Coming out experiencies, results and insights

[ReneeCD]

I have made it a point to tell everyone that I've had a relationship with for the last 36 years (that's three serious relationships and two marriages!) at the beginning, or at least as soon as I could see that it had a chance of succeeding. Even though it HAS been a factor in ending many of my love adventures. I still maintain that less than complete honesty is just that. I personally could not live with the sneaking around and game playing necessary to keep my crossdressing hidden from my SO.

JMHO

Renee

[Little Julie]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts it has been so helpful. However I do hear a lot of "I would never tell" and "I can't believe you didn't tell". I am in the position I am in because of choices I made, I understand that. I was really hoping to hear more from those who actually came out to their wives and the results, what worked for them and what didn't. Thanks again everyone you've been so sweet to respond.
Julie

[jaina]

Why would you even want to be with someone you had to hide yourself from?

[DanaR]

Why would you even want to be with someone you had to hide yourself from?

I agree!

[Emily Anderson]

Hi Julie,

You need to ask yourself some serious questions, such as why did you decide to hide it from your second wife while knowing that it didn't go down well with the first one? I'm not judging here, just asking you to ask yourself that question.

The second thing you need to ask yourself is whether you're willing to face the consequences of telling your wife? It could go well, or it could go very badly, or somewhere in between.

How important is it for you to tell her? Can you face not saying anything, and living the rest of your life without her knowing?

Yup, sorry, it's time to do a bit of soul searching...

[maid phylis]

dear julie.for me coming out was a matter of neccessity.i had a bad experience having thought i was having a heart attack,and i had to start on medication to bring down my chlolestrol and my blood pressure.i had been always dressing and always in secret,just some lingerie and stockings.now i had a decision to make and i finally got the courage to tell her after about 34 years of marriage,being jewish i had to explain what and how i felt about doing something that we arent supposed to do.well i told her that i had made peace with myself and my maker and this was something that i had been doing since i was little and i couldnt continue doing it in the dark.well she realized that this was something that i really had to do so she said it was ok but not to ever dress in front of her or our children.since then i have been a member of tri-ess and when i left that group i joined cdi which is a cd group in manhattan.i now go to beetings with my girl friends to the g.i.p also in manhattan.and i always go dressed as pretty as i can be.ove phylisanne

[Lara Smith]

I loved and respected my wife so much, that I had to tell her. I felt she deserved to know that I was not all that she saw in me. Before I did so, I had to resolve within myself, that I might loose her and that she would hate me for it. I felt like a liar withholding the information from her that I loved to CD. I was prepared to lose her no matter how much it would tear me up and crush me. I was her prize and I feared telling her would destroy her and her love and admiration for me. It wasn't until we had been married a few years that I learned myself the extent to which I loved dressing. But that first time fully dressed and seeing myself in thee mirror, walking in heels and a skirt and having breasts etc., I knew the truth about myself. And the truth was I wanted to dress like a girl ALL the time!

Those of you who have read my posts and response know that my journey began a long, long time ago, and progressed from wearing bras and panties to wanting to dress completely all the time...at least half the time anyway.

She knew there was something different about me from the day she met me. Being the ultra masculine and manly guy that I was, she could never figure it out. But when I told her about the "other" me, the "Aha" light went off in her head. At the time we lived in this incredible house that overlooked the whole of our community. She asked me to go and get a pair of my favorite panties and put them on under my cut-off jean shorts and come back to the living room. I did, and she asked me to lie face down on her lap and tell her all about it. She unsnapped my 501 Levi cut off jeans as I placed myself in her lap and caressed my pantied bottom in a way she had never touched me before. I talked and she caressed for over an hour. The next few months were an incredible journey of exploration for both of us. I was blown away by some of the things that happened and where we both went with all of it. Years later we progressed far beyond this point, and also digressed more than I could have imagined. It is a very long, complicated and nuanced story. Today, it is not like it was. But we are both nearing sixty, and there has been so very much water under the bridge since then that has nothing to do with my CD. It has however taken its toll.

Bottom line? You are what you are. It will never change. It shouldn't either. If she doesn't love you for who and what you are, she doesn’t'
love you. And she doesn't love herself either. You are better off without. That isn't pretty, but that is the truth, believe me.

[NatashaCD]

I came out to my partner even before thinking about a relationship

[JoAnnDallas]

I grew up in an era where if you were a CD, you kept it secret even from your wife. At that time we were metally ill and perverted people. In many states it was illegal to even dress as a woman. So I kept it secret even from my wife for about 25 years. A little over a year ago I finially told my wife. She was not happy and it was only about 2 months ago she decided to accept me as a CD. I think I love my wife even more now.
In this day and age, women seem to be more tolerant and I now suggest to those that are entering a relationship to tell thier SO's.
Communication is very important in a relationship. It can solve a lot of problems, but I admit that not all relationships that involve a CD can be solved. There are those women that are not tolerant and don't even want to be tolerant. In those cases communication, cousoling and etc will not work and the only way to resolve it is to dissolve the relationship. It can be really hard but in the long run it may be the best.

[Patti Girl]

The best way (IMO) is to be open about it BEFORE you get married. If she doesn't like "the real you", then it's time to move on.

I know, that doesn't answer the OP's question but I think it's important for anyone looking for a new girlfriend. Dating can never be successful if you hide your real self.

Patti

[MalibuJenny]

I see both sides of it. It's real easy for the unattached, single, uninvolved, and younger transgendered folks, as well as those who came out to their wives and girlfriends successfully, to make blanket statements about the necessity of coming forth about one's crossdressing, but the reality of the situation may well preclude such a cut and dry solution.

Another blanket statement: "If she doesn't accept your crossdressing, then she just isn't the right woman for you in the first place." Remember that one? It's another piece of absolute rubbish that is bandied about on this forum as some laid-in-stone gospel truth.

I love my wife. Period. No buts. No ifs. It's my business who I have my life's relationship with. I have a terrific wife, and I love her very much. But she is not down with crossdressing. She knows I do it, but she's not real good with it. That's her right, and I try to respect that.

I really appreciate this perspective, Marla.

I'm sure it's a very different situation when you come to terms with CDing *after* you are married. Let's face it, many don't even come to terms with their own crossdressing until later in life (especially those that are a little older and didn't have the benefit of the Internet to aid in their own understanding) so they in turn were not in a good place to express themselves to their partner.

I'm often grateful that I didn't marry before dealing with my TG issues on my own. I was engaged when younger and never told her directly because I didn't really understand myself yet. If we had married, it would be one of those situations where I would be faced with this issue and I'm not so sure I would be as open as I am with people I just start dating.

If you are over 40 you probably didn't have many of the resources (if any) that are so readily available in the community today. This is a relatively recent thing, lest we all forget.

[Toni_Lynn]

I have two experiences to relate as far as coming out.

First deals with my ex-wife -- long ago and in a marriage far far away.For all the reasons that we all know about, I didn't tell her.In the months just prior to the wedding, I was miserable and knew that the marriage was totally wrong. For all the other reasons we know about, I didn't back out. As the marriage progressed, I became very very 'dead' inside. My dressing was limited to wearing some bikini panties that passed (somewhat) for men's no-fly bikini briefs. I still can recall the day that she questioned me about them -- 'Do you wear women's underwear?'. I of course lied.

Fast forward to trying to have a child some 12 months later. Nothing is working. One reason was, and I'll say it .. without crossdressing being able to, ah, er, perform as it were, well, lets just say that Ms Softee was down there. So we sought help (mind you this was prior to medicine that starts with the letter V that we get spam emails about). Net result was -- no sperm. Yep -- don't make many -- at times none.

Soon she began sleeping in another room (done without telling me why) and I became sadder and sadder -- and almost paralysing sadness. So, at the end of February 19xx I told her that I wanted a divorce. That was received well. We spent the next month under the same roof in an atmosphere that was surprisingly pleasant. We had some long talks about what went wrong. It was then that I told her my whole story. I was shocked to hear her be very understanding, although not to the degree of it possible having been acceptable as a part of the marriage. One reason she was understanding was that she had many lesbian friends. Side note - she is now in a lesbian relation and they have an adopted child. Anyway -- one key thing she said was 'This explains a lot.'

Years pass -- and I meet the woman I will love forever. I am so head over heels in love with her, that I tell her.

see my intro in the intro bits:
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=83168
http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ad.php?t=83322

The result -- Total acceptance. Her desire for me is that I be happier than I ever have been before. Our marriage has been like a rosebud unfolding and blossoming. Its as if some new a beautiful aspect appears every day -- like us going to buy makeup together, trying on bras together in Wal*Mart, making love both en-femme (or her en-homme).

And now, through her encouragement, I've re-engaged the community and come out here as it were, after years of being dead inside.

The love of a good and totally accepting woman makes life all the better. Pardon me for saying this -- but we are both religious and feel that we are joined by the power of God and the force of the Holy Spirit -- we were meant to find each other. Making me happy makes her happy, and I wake up every day saying what can I do make my wife happy. I will defend her to the death, and if anyone intends to harm her, they have to get through me first!

Guess I got off track there -- sorry

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[Holly]

...why risk telling your SO? It simply makes no sense.

So please help me understand how lying and being deceptive in a committed relationship makes any sense.

...usually several other problems were involved. So if your relationship is strong, this will not hurt it...

For me, this is the crux of the whole issue. We read from the GG's here time and time again, that it is NOT the CDing that was the deal breaker; it was the lying about it, the deceit involved. It was the lack of trust the partner showed to them. And I am not coming to the table with some, "holier than thou" attitude as my wife and I were well into thirty years of marriage before I figured out who I was. We will celebrate our 40th anniversary later this year.

To answer the OP's original question, I actually told my wife a few day after discovering this site. I was home one day from work, not feeling too well and just surfing the Internet. I stumbled upon this website and started to read and read and read. I discovered who I was and that I wasn't the only freak guy in the world that had a passion for dressing in woman's clothing. The whys started to fall into place and things started making more and more sense. I joined the forum and began posting, putting down in words the thoughts rambling around in my head. One afternoon, when my wife got home from work, I sat her down in front of the computer and showed her a post from this website where I had poured out my heart. When she finished reading it, she looked at me and said, "So?" I looked her in the eye and said, "Honey, that's me. I wrote those words."

We talked for a few hours... all the usual questions. I answered them all with the truth as I knew it... no, I'm not gay; no, I'm not interested in surgery to "become" a woman; no, I don't have a need to do this full time; yes I do want to get out more, and on and on. Her biggest fear was the neighbors finding out (and it still is). This was the beginning of our setting boundaries together. At the end, she said, "If you are going to do this, then you are going to do this right... proper clothing, proper makeup and hair, proper deportment, the works." Of course I had no problem agreeing to that stipulation!

After we talked, that was pretty much it. Life went on. We started doing things together... going out shopping, eating,
even on vacation. She knows most of my friends in the TG community and has accompanied me on several outings. Of course, I made certain that she got her guy time as well.

I must say, this all just didn't happen by accident. My wife and I have worked hard to build our relationship for a long, long time. We trust one another without reservation, without question. In that conversation, she knew I was telling her the truth when I told her that I had just figured out that I was transgendered. So now for both of us, another piece of the puzzle of life was now in place.

So yes, I am one who advocates disclosure. I also advocate intellectual and emotional honesty in ALL aspects of committed relationship. Would you honestly accept anything less from your partner?

[Claire3]

If you dont tell them who you really are, and love them,where's the trust.thats very special to our better halves,it truly is

[Sedona]

Wow Toni,

What an amazing story, filled with rich detail. Thanks so much for sharing it!

[TerriM]

It's amazing to hear all these different stories. I told my wife after 10yrs of marriage. We are married 36yrs now and she still hasnt seen Terri. I have excepted that and get out about 1 or 2x a month. I would love for her to go shopping with me or just meet my femme side. But down deep I know this wont happen and I have dealt with it.