I've been back in therapy for a few weeks now and after last night's session my SO and I were discussing the progress. I have kept my TG issues from her for the 20+ years we've been together and until last Friday had never discuss this with anyone. The deceit has been killing me for years and I believe it's been a major component of my depression; plus, since my last two therapy sessions were exclusively devoted to this subject I've been unable to convincingly relate the sessions to her.
Well, last night I could take it no more and told her. She was absolutely devastated and distraught; she had no clue (although I had convinced myself she already knew). I made the huge mistake of inadequately planning the reveal. A situation worsened that we have a house-guest too. Plus, I found that when the time came I couldn't find adequate words to sensitively describe my feelings.
The one person that I truly love and care for I have now successfully alienated. She's reluctantly gone out to meet her girlfriends (pre-scheduled) which is why I'm able to write this post.
She describes her life has being "turned upside down"; that it all the time we've been worrying about my mental health she had never expected "this"; that "how could I do this to her at a time when we can't talk about it properly (extremely fair point and one of which I deeply, deeply, regret) As she quite rightly pointed out; "I've been keeping this secret for forty years, another few days wouldn't have made any difference."
My therapist warned me to "take my time; don't rush this; you will need to have lots of answers since she will have lots of questions". I got lulled into a false sense of security by our open and frank discussions around my therapy and progress and mistook this for an opportunity to deal with what I believe to be the root cause. I was wrong. Very, very wrong.
We have been through some tough times in the past but I'm truly not sure where she's going to land on this one. She is simply unable to comprehend the turmoil that exists in my soul and I'm quite unable to articulate it in a way that offers any kind of answer. I have exhaustively re-assured her that my love for her is as strong as ever and that, unless she wants it, nothing is going to change in the way I feel about her.
She feel that our marriage is a "sham" which is not true; my feelings for her are genuine and strong but my inner confusion and conflict has manifested itself into a debilitating depression.
If any of you can point me at any resources and information that will help me resolve this dreadful mess I've gotten myself into I would be eternally grateful.
I more than realise that I've bought this upon myself by my recklessness and thoughtlessness. Now I must focus on reconciliation based largely on finding a way to accurately, yet sensitively, describe my inner conflict in a way she can understand. It would appear as a straight and true GG she is completely unable to grasp the basic concept of TG/CD and hence we're currently at an impasse.
Very depressed,
Nikki