OMG: What have I done? (Told my SO Last Night)

[Nikki K]

I've been back in therapy for a few weeks now and after last night's session my SO and I were discussing the progress. I have kept my TG issues from her for the 20+ years we've been together and until last Friday had never discuss this with anyone. The deceit has been killing me for years and I believe it's been a major component of my depression; plus, since my last two therapy sessions were exclusively devoted to this subject I've been unable to convincingly relate the sessions to her.
Well, last night I could take it no more and told her. She was absolutely devastated and distraught; she had no clue (although I had convinced myself she already knew). I made the huge mistake of inadequately planning the reveal. A situation worsened that we have a house-guest too. Plus, I found that when the time came I couldn't find adequate words to sensitively describe my feelings.

The one person that I truly love and care for I have now successfully alienated. She's reluctantly gone out to meet her girlfriends (pre-scheduled) which is why I'm able to write this post.

She describes her life has being "turned upside down"; that it all the time we've been worrying about my mental health she had never expected "this"; that "how could I do this to her at a time when we can't talk about it properly (extremely fair point and one of which I deeply, deeply, regret) As she quite rightly pointed out; "I've been keeping this secret for forty years, another few days wouldn't have made any difference."

My therapist warned me to "take my time; don't rush this; you will need to have lots of answers since she will have lots of questions". I got lulled into a false sense of security by our open and frank discussions around my therapy and progress and mistook this for an opportunity to deal with what I believe to be the root cause. I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

We have been through some tough times in the past but I'm truly not sure where she's going to land on this one. She is simply unable to comprehend the turmoil that exists in my soul and I'm quite unable to articulate it in a way that offers any kind of answer. I have exhaustively re-assured her that my love for her is as strong as ever and that, unless she wants it, nothing is going to change in the way I feel about her.

She feel that our marriage is a "sham" which is not true; my feelings for her are genuine and strong but my inner confusion and conflict has manifested itself into a debilitating depression.

If any of you can point me at any resources and information that will help me resolve this dreadful mess I've gotten myself into I would be eternally grateful.

I more than realise that I've bought this upon myself by my recklessness and thoughtlessness. Now I must focus on reconciliation based largely on finding a way to accurately, yet sensitively, describe my inner conflict in a way she can understand. It would appear as a straight and true GG she is completely unable to grasp the basic concept of TG/CD and hence we're currently at an impasse.

Very depressed,

Nikki

[karynspanties]

Why would you do that when you have a house guest? Very bad timing on your part. All the best. Good luck.

[Sedona]

It is easy to get lulled into a false sense of security, I agree. What's said has been said, don't dwell on it, just go really slowly, give her lots of space, answer all her questions, and good luck! Book another appointment with your therapist, pronto, and, might not hurt to have a backup plan for sleeping arrangements for a little while.

Good Luck sister, I'm rooting for your relationship!


Keep us posted as you see fit.

[Nikki K]

Yep: I deserved that.

[Sandra]

First it may seem bad now but hopefully things will get better, your wife has just had the bottom knocked out of her world, she has just found out that the man she married, someone who she thought trusted her enough to tell her everything, has been keeping something from her for all this time.

If she will talk to her listen to what she has to say, but also just ask her to listen to you as well, tell her your feelings and worries but make sure you do listen to her as well.

[Emily Ann Brown]

Okay, so you didn't do it perfectly......now quietly decide how you should have done it and try it a second time. What's done is done.


Emily Ann

[MJ]

Well the damage has been done my friend . the best you can do is get some information for her . and most important of all keep reassuring her how much you do love her . you need to talk about the issues when they come up .
please don't stop communications that could make thing worse .
I wish you all the best

[CandyDarling]

First - I am so sorry that you have to go through this this way. Second - there is never a perfect time. Third - Don't Panic. Really ! Do not let this make you too crazy - there is nothing you can do but wait. Use this forum as a resource. Write your feelings down - we all have stories like this.
Personally my SO found a pic of me en femme on the computer. It took months just to get back to level. It is hard but - you will feel freer from this I am sure.

Also - be careful of the "Pink Cloud" although it may be the last thing on your mind - I thnk we often find in the new freedom, a desire to be more expressive and to act more feminine in a big rush. Keep yourself in check and be patient. My best wishes.

[Michelle 51]

Well no going back but it very well could work out for the best

[DanaR]

This might be a good time to go back to your therapist and listen to her/him. Your wife has stood by you for all of these years and tried to understand what you have been going through and now realizes that it is different than what she thought. It will probably take a while for her to sort this out, so you will need to patient and understanding of her as well.

[TerriM]

I told my wife over 25yrs ago after 10 yrs of marriage. Shock is putting it mildly of the way she felt. We are still together and happy. Just keep talking and go slow

[leslie ann]

BRING HER HERE let her read your post??theres no good answers and tell her how scared you were/ are and how much you need and love her and go slow best wishes to ya both

[stacie]

Hi Nikki
I strongly suggest you find a support group with girls who have been through this. It helps to talk face to face with other girls who have been through what you are going through. I told my wife I was going to transition and that was the end of our marriage, Most marriages do end over transitioning so if this is what you plan on doing you won't be the only one who has a marriage end.

[JoAnnDallas]

I can understand some about your wife's reaction. I told my wife over a year ago that I am a CDer. She too did not take it well at the time. She even refused to talk about it for a long time too. It was pnly a little over a month ago that we made a breakthru. She saw me fully dressed for the first time and we sat at the kitchen table an talked for a few hours, with me fully dressed too. She has sense decided to accept my CDing. It has made all the difference in our relationship. She still asks me questions, which I answer as truthful as possible. Some questions I don't really have an answer for and tell her so. She has now even gone shopping with me for fem items.
Right now she is in shock about all of it. Give her some time and when she starts in on the questions, answer as truthfully as possible. Try and think of all the questions she my ask and go over in your mind the answer. Now that the cat is out of the bag, communications is now key to you and your wife coming to a solution. Don't be afraid if it is not totally what you want. You can always talk later and work them out.

[Shelly67]

I can only give you limited advice as I don't know either of you or the situation you must both be living in , but , now you,ve got to be totally honest. Firstly ask her to read the start of this thread . perhaps that will start the ball rolling....but be ready ......
You're wife I assume feels betrayed by the decietfulness on you're part , be it a good reason to keep the real you hidden away or not . It was a long time . Perhaps you can discover at least one common factor in these dark times . There will probably be tears , pain , confusion , but the only real way to deal with the situation is communicate. Try to understand her feelings , I bet she feels useless and untrustworthy . You've got to talk . More importantly you've got to listen. Try to gain the trust back . I would certainy advise perhaps trying to brigde these painful times chatting in a neutral enviroment . Just the two of you or at least a third party of both you're choice, perhaps a marriage councellor will certainly be of use .
I wish you all the luck in the world , but please just don't give up .........you,ve been together too long for a lawyer to be the only winner......
Good luck to you both xx

[Jessicainme]

I don't have much to say, but good luck and I hope that all turns out well for you and your wife

Jessica

[StephanieH]

[SIZE="3"]Your post here, telling all of us how you feel about this wonderful woman and realizing how you messed up a bit speaks volumes about how you feel about her. Show it to her. You've admitted to the world that you messed up and are desperate to set things right. If that doesn't mean something to her, I don't know what else would.

Honesty is paramount in a relationship. From here forward, be honest. She'll appreciate that and you just might earn back that trust your looking for.

Let there be NO MORE secrets, ever, and if your relationship is solid, it will survive. From your post, it's obvious you love this woman, allow her to see how much you love her and what you're willing to do to set things right.

Take care and God bless.[/SIZE]

[KrazyKat]

Wishing you the best. I understand what happened, it kind of happened like that for us. You will need to find a lot of patience, because your SO is going to have her heels dug in now. The most important thing, IMHO, is not to lie to her again if she asks. Like, telling her you are just a CD when you know that's not true. If you are honest, she will be able to see this, and maybe, after a long time, begin to forgive and trust.
Wishing you and yours all the best.

[Tree GG]

Seems to me an affectionate hug and an "I love you" is all that is needed right now. Let the rest go for awhile.

[Joanne f]

I am sorry to hear of your situation at the moment as i can see that you were in an awkward situation as 20 years ago there where no sites like this telling you what you should do , and i am not qualified to give you any ad vice, but the only thing that i can say is , i was in a similar situation as you about 15years ago and now my wife is my greatest and only supporter of me so do not despair yet as things can turn around quicker than you think , give her chance to figure things out .
all the best




joanne

[Sedona]

Nikki,

If your wife wants to come here, on this board, great! But, if not, respect that. After I told my SO a couple of years ago, I asked her to come here, and she refused. She said simply, "I don't care about anybody else's crossdressing, I care about YOUR crossdressing." We worked through the issues, and are engaged to be married.

[DonnaT]

There might be some things on this site to help you both: http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

[ReineD]

She is simply unable to comprehend the turmoil that exists in my soul and I'm quite unable to articulate it in a way that offers any kind of answer. I have exhaustively re-assured her that my love for her is as strong as ever and that, unless she wants it, nothing is going to change in the way I feel about her.

Would it help if you let it be for a few days and journal your thoughts and feelings about your inner turmoil and your own process towards self-acceptance? Doing this might help you better explain your journey to your wife when she is ready to talk. Then she may be able to move beyond her own pain if she gains a better understanding of yours.

[ptp009]

Nikki,

You've brought out the secret and now you must work on the education. The shock for your wife is expected and I think after she spends a little time checking this out herself she will be ready to sit down and talk. Seeing as you have a threpist is ther anyway she could sit down with you and them so she can be heard. Wish you the best.
Jenn

[TxKimberly]

The thing that strikes me is how your post makes it clear you feel you have done all the wrong things and this is all your fault. I'm a firm believer in taking responsibility for your actions but in this case I think you may be being a bit harsh on yourself.
OK, so maybe you could have waited for your house guest to leave, but you know what - you can't govern where your feelings take you and what they require of you.
As for the rest, I think you have done a decent and Honorable thing to be honest with her. Yes, she is upset, but surely you didn't expect her to be delighted and invite you on a girls night out? She has just found out there has been a huge secret between you two for 20 years, and found out that you have tendencies that most people find "weird". You need to give her a little time to digest. Once the shock has worn off, things my level off and even improve.
Come what may, the one thing I don't think you should be beating yourself up about is that you have been honest with your wife, the woman you love.

I hope so very much that things will work out well for you.
Kim