Tired

[Felix]

Nice one Wolfie! Had to smile at the end of your post

Ok the meds have settled down and Im feeling pretty good, yeah really. Its like I should have had these meds a long time ago because I havent felt this good in a long time. I am taking care of mind, body and soul now. I exercise every day, I dont let myself get stressed (mind you how thats gonna happen on these meds I dont know lol) and Im taking care of my souls requirements, by meditating and trying to find all the joy and love in life that I can.

I feel very vital....if only I could find my sex drive becuase it seems to have buggered off on holiday lol.

[Punkster]

Ah feck lol....Its not always good to share a PC....the last thread was from me not Felix lol. .....Blame the meds lmao!!!

[Taylor105]

Thanks Taylor. reckon this is going to be a good thing....my head screams....does that make sense?

I had that head screaming feeling but it was being caused by a side effect of a med. I hope you are feeling better by now. Enough time has gone by that you should be starting to adjust to the meds. If not then time to call the doc again. Hope all is better.

[Punkster]

I am feeling great! The meds have settled down nicely with only a little wooziness which doesnt last long. My moods seem to be getting more and more settled and the psychosis seems to be well at bay now.

My sex drive is still on vacation but in my case I think its a good thing lol. At least I can stay focused on dealing with me instead of my mojo leading me to places that could get me into trouble lol.

[Bev06 GG]

Hi Punkster,
I think you sound very lonely at a time when you need positive, supportive people around you. I doubt very much whether your frustration toward people mistaking your gender is the real problem, as you have already said it is normally something you rise above and even joke about. This is more to do with your depression and your gender issues which is making everything else seem mountainous.
I know its easy for me to say but take each day as it comes. If you are certain of your gender then be positive about it and dont get down. Have you got anyone supporting you through all of this. If the answer is no then I think you are being rather harsh on yourself because it really is beyond me how anyone gets through the issues that you guys have to deal with on their own.
I get the impression from reading your replies that you dont particularly like yourself at the moment,, you are certainly giving yourself a hard time and being far too critical of what can only be described as perfectly normal behaviour under the circumstances. I hope I have got the wrong impression because from what you have written I see a very compassionate caring individual who is capable of reaching out to encourage others. In my book that is a very endearing quality in a human being so you have plenty to like about yourself.

I hope your soon feeling much more positive about things and I really do hope that someone out there is standing by you. Chin up and take care of yourself
Bev

[Wolfie]

Couldn't have put that better Bev.
Depression is a terrible illness that is so hard to move through. Only with good support and communication can any progress be made. It takes time and Bev is right don't beat yourself up (although so much easier said than done I know). Sometimes we focus so hard on one area of our lives we forget other parts - 'can't see the woods for the trees' I know I have been guilty of that during and still am in my current mental state, but the thing that helps the most is communication. Maybe its friends, the forum, therapist (humm not so sure on that one!) but its amazing where you can find support. I made a a good friend in the Mental Hospital - we have a pact to help keep each other alive - and she totally accepted my GID and has really helped although she knows absolutely nothing about it!
You need to communicate, its a step forward. Keep posting Punkster
Sending
Ben

[Punkster]

Thank you Bev and Wolfie.

I wouldn't say I was lonely as such although I do have times when I am feeling very alone, which I realise is silly because I have a lot of friends around me and do not find it hard to make friends no matter how my mental state is. My family is virtualy non existant for me but it is my friends that I consider to be family. The stength in me comes from this and also from spirit as my faith is very strong.

At present I am living with my very good friend Felix who also posts on here. Felix was there for me when I needed him the most. He has put a roof over my head, given me a place to feel safe, helped me financialy and encourages me each day no matter how difficult I am being.

I do think that my gender issues are getting me down but mostly it is my mental issues which at this time have been given the diagnosis of stress related psychosis, which sounds heavy but gives me a real feeling that things can be sorted out. I have been an "out" transguy for around five years now and I am finding it harder and harder to deal with now but probably more due to the other issues I have. Due to my son's issues I was unable to procceed with transistioning, then had a breakdown caring for my son which meant again I had to forego it again, when I was living away from my hometown I started the proccess again but stopped due to moving away. I now have to wait until I am stable enough to deal with transisitioning before I can be refered again. I am very fustrated.

I dont speak to my family and is not entirely due to my gender issues, its more to do with a particulaly vicious ex partner of mine. Maybe one day I will be able to be part of the family again but right now I feel it is one more complication I can do without.

I dont like myself much at all at the momet but with each new day I am liking myself more and more. Most of my life has been centred around other peoples needs and I am finding it hard just focusing on my own needs right now. This is something I desperately need to do though.

I am giving myself a very hard time I reckon because I feel its justified. I really need to shake myslf up and sort myself ut. I feel as thoh I am moaning all the time but on the other hand alos no I need to open up and let it all out instead of letting it fester. I reckon I am much tougher on myself then I am on other people.

[Bev06 GG]

Felix sounds like a very supportive friend you are lucky to have him. Atleast that clears up one of my concerns, I couldn't think of anything worse than you being on your own.
I think you are right you have probably (Like a lot of mums) put other peoples needs before your own. Which is a good quality and very commendable, but that does make it a tad difficult when we need to do something for ourselves because we just aint used to it. Sometimes we have to be a tad selfish and get some me time, concentrate on your needs now.
I hope things start to work out for you Punkster, and I hope you end up a lot more settled and happy in yourself.
Take care
Bev

[Punkster]

Thanks Bev, in fact thanks to all of you out there that have read my posts and give me the chance to express myself.

Felix is one in a million and I do feel lucky and very privalaged to have him as a friend.

I do have a preference to living on my own but mostly because I know I am very moody and difficult to live with although Felix seems to be surviving well lol.

Mostly of course putting other people first has been around my son. My son is fabulous and I wouldn't swap him for the world, I love him to death, its just the situation we have. His autism is very severe, luckily though he is now in a full time residential school just over the bridge in Barton. He has come on leaps and bounds and I couldnt be more proud of him. I miss him all the time, we were like the dynamic duo lol.

I also have a tendancy to put everyone before myself which isnt always a good thing. With previous partners including my ex husband it has always been about their needs and I havent considered my own and in some cases felt that they havent even tried to consider mine.

I had a visit from two very close friends today and I feel really good, almost restored in a way. I miss them both very much and I was overjoyed to see them, they are my family.

I am starting to beleive in myself again which I havent done in a while. The path I am on isnt going to be an easy journey for me, I need to be fixed and get well again, but I am feeling more and more prepared for it. With just an ounce of faith in myself and in the Gods I can go a long way.

One step at a time.

[Carroll]

I have on many occasions asked for a referral for gender counselling but there have been many things that have got in the way, such as moving town, caring for my autistic son and illness.

I am not sure how many people missed that comment, but I didnt. Your last post says that your son is seriously autistic . That can drain even the strongest of men and women. I only deal with a very small taste with my daughter who has Asbergers. My wife babysits for my former band mate and they have a 12y old boy that is non-verbal and a 24/7 care. I have watched him a few times, along with his 9 year old sister, my 6 year old daughter and my 9 year old son. After just two hours I swear I needed to have a drink and had lot more hair missing. From what I have read, you are doing an awesome jod...keep up the great work Punkster

[Punkster]

Thank you for being able to understand that Carroll. I still fight very hard to keep my energy levels up even though my son lives apart from me now. This is in now way a slight at anyone but a lot of people dont understand the enrgy it takes from you and it is good to hear from some one who has some clue as to what my body and mind have gone through.

Thank you for saying I am doing an awesome job, it helps me feel good about myself. I am determined to get back on my feet and find "Lewis" again because Lewis is hiding under all these layers of things that are weighing me down,

I am definately feeling much stronger now. I am having more good days than bad days now. I am still keeping my body as fit as I can by exercising 6 days a week as well as yoga. I meditate as often as I can and I am trying to keep myself busy.

One of the side effects of the medication I am on is weight gain. When I moved back to my home town I was only nine stone and was hoping to gradually put weight on to around eleven stone. Unfortunately I am now 12 stone which is way too heavy, I dread to think how much weight I would have put on if I wasnt exercising! I wouldn't mind if I was 12 stone of muscle but I am not lol. My son noticed straight away when I went to see him, he poked my belly and giggled when he came to great me lol.

I have found I am able to go out more and more. I think I am starting to get around my social phobias now and becoming more and more relaxed with everything. I even went bowling the other night, I played really badly but I had a good time and didnt feel very anxious at all. Mind I have pulled a muscle in my glutimous maximous lol.

[Punkster]

I have some great news. My shrink says I am doing really well and stabalising well. He is making me another appointment to talk about being referred for gender counselling.

I am over the moon with it because I thought it would be a long way off but he's really pleased with how my medication is helping me and how far I have come.

It feels good to have some positive news and something positive to look forward too. I am on cloud nine

[Kieron Andrew]

I have some great news. My shrink says I am doing really well and stabalising well. He is making me another appointment to talk about being referred for gender counselling.

I am over the moon with it because I thought it would be a long way off but he's really pleased with how my medication is helping me and how far I have come.

It feels good to have some positive news and something positive to look forward too. I am on cloud nine

well done..you did all the hard work, you rightly should feel on cloud nine

[Punkster]

Thanks Kieron

[ZenFrost]

Good to hear you're feeling more stable.

[Punkster]

Thanks Zen its good to feel this way

[Wolfie]

It seems as if things are looking up. I hope things go from strength to strength, there will be bad patches but you have come some a long way. Take courage and remember how far you have already come. I work with children with special needs and know how hard it is (and have a step son who also has some very special needs) to keep up the courage, energy and sometimes the fight to love and protect those closest and dearest and most vulnerable to us. Never give up fighting through the layers - he takes it all in just is unable to express in a way we can understand - yet.

[Taylor105]

Thank you for being able to understand that Carroll. I still fight very hard to keep my energy levels up even though my son lives apart from me now. This is in now way a slight at anyone but a lot of people dont understand the enrgy it takes from you and it is good to hear from some one who has some clue as to what my body and mind have gone through.

Thank you for saying I am doing an awesome job, it helps me feel good about myself. I am determined to get back on my feet and find "Lewis" again because Lewis is hiding under all these layers of things that are weighing me down,

I am definately feeling much stronger now. I am having more good days than bad days now. I am still keeping my body as fit as I can by exercising 6 days a week as well as yoga. I meditate as often as I can and I am trying to keep myself busy.

One of the side effects of the medication I am on is weight gain. When I moved back to my home town I was only nine stone and was hoping to gradually put weight on to around eleven stone. Unfortunately I am now 12 stone which is way too heavy, I dread to think how much weight I would have put on if I wasnt exercising! I wouldn't mind if I was 12 stone of muscle but I am not lol. My son noticed straight away when I went to see him, he poked my belly and giggled when he came to great me lol.

I have found I am able to go out more and more. I think I am starting to get around my social phobias now and becoming more and more relaxed with everything. I even went bowling the other night, I played really badly but I had a good time and didnt feel very anxious at all. Mind I have pulled a muscle in my glutimous maximous lol.

I know I am forever late posting on this but I wanted to congratulate you for keeping with the meds and getting better. I know how hard it is to deal with chemical imbalances in the brain. I take several meds for depression and anxiety myself, as well as insomnia. Then of course I want to start T soon. So there will be the needle up the ass. LOL As far as the weight gain goes, I hated that side effect on one of my meds so I weaned off and tried something else. Good luck on your meds and I hope they are still working out for you. Big hugs!!