My Wife just found out
After 6 yrs of marrage my wife came home from 2nd shift early sick . She found me sittting in the living room dressed in pretties. Now she goes cold if I touch her and tells me she can't make love with that picture in her head. Is it time to start the divorce papers or can wives get past this
keep the lines of communication open, let her talk..you listen ALOT...keep asking her to talk about it!!!Originally Posted by Shadow
Sounds a bit early for an end play. I'd go with your second thought. How long ago did the incident happen?
Mine found out after 20 years of marriage. Lots of anger, tears, resentment and grief. Eventually after many long hours of honest and open soul baring communication, some counseling and time she came to accept and encourage my cding. It wasn't easy nor was it quick, but in the end our love and respect for each other saved our marriage. We are now as close as we have ever been and it was worth all the work. Good luck to you and your SO.
Jenny L.
Shadow, your SO is in shock...she comes home and sees her man in "pretties" She needs honesty, she needs to go through a whole series of emotions, denial, anger, there are more but you get the point.
Your marriage is not over, your SO needs time and you need to be ready with honest detailed answers and reasons.
Hopefully if you two can come to grips with this and find a way to accommodate it, then you two should be able to forge a new relationship.
Super Mod
Oh God, Thy sea is so great and my boat is so small
The Breton Fisherman's Prayer was engraved on a brass plaque and presented to President John F. Kennedy by US Navy Admiral Hyman Rickover.
Daintre, gone but not forgotten, R.I.P. Angel xx
Tamara
Only time will tell, but Kieron is dead on target with keeping the lines of communication open. That is a must at all cost. Give it time for the dust to settle down before thinking anything at all about divorce. That was a pretty good size bomb if she had no idea or clue about the situation, don't let it turn into a nuke because with a bomb there is a chance for restoration and repair, but a nuke pretty much vaporizes everything.
2 days ago . She preceded to get drunk , I downloaded and printed some info on CD for her but now I'm getting everything from " would you lik me to help you with makeup" (I have a full hells angles beard) to " Who gets the 4 wheeler" .
Last edited by Shadow; 06-10-2008 at 06:01 PM.
If I were you, I wouldn't jump into anything as drastic as divorce. At this point you have to take things slow. Is she willing to talk without all the rants that usually come along with the shock? Even if she blows off some steam, at least try talking to her but tread carefully and take her feelings into account. She could be feeling al sorts of feelings including dismay, anger,hurt, sadness, shock, and surprise. if she starts to talk but then decides to call it off, give her time and space. Most of all, show her all the love and support you can, she needs it now more than ever. Luv andJill
Luv and
Straight, into Fantasy Land
go at her pace take your time and talk to her
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
This is the big test. You do not need to be alone. A repaired relationship is always better than a broken one.
My wife found out in a similar way. You need to give it a lot of time. Your wife is trying to accept that the man she married isn't the man that she thought she married. This may take several years.
Encourage her to do research on the internet about CD's. If she doesn't know how to do it, you need to help her with that as you already have.
I'd stress to her that this isn't a choice that you made, but an inborn part of you. I think that's what helped my wife accept things.
It sounds like you're a masculine man which makes it hard for your wife to accept this. My wife pictured me as the strong, masculine construction superintendent and I am, but she's been able to accept my being a CD. Your wife can too, but don't push her too hard. It may take years, but you'll be very happy and relieved if it works out ok.
You also want to stress that nothing's going to change. She isn't going to lose her husband and that you still love her and want to be with her forever as her husband.
You might also refer her to support groups such as A Crossdresser's Secret Garden on Yahoo, or maybe even to some of the wives on this site.
I hope this helps. I'll be thinking of you. If things work our ok, you'll probably find that you're very relieved about not having to hide things anymore. I know I am.
Be patient and good luck.
Give her a lot of time. And then give her some more.
Keep the lines of communications wide open!
And before you get a lawyer, get a marriage therapist.
The both of you can work this out so it is comfortable for both of you.
I got my wife to let me wear a skirt one very hot day it led to panties tops and all the rest when she asked if the things she found ( a dress a blouse) some time before this I told her they were mine. She asked If I had dressed before what she knew about I told her yes well after all the normal questions are you gay do you want to be a girl and so forth. she was somewhat Ok with it and even more so as time pasted . You muse let her know you love her with all your heart If she will talk about it give her true answers I can't say she will come around but she may So hang in there don;t give up so easily hun
Angie
When I finally introduced my wife to my dressing she did not like it, so I just avoided doing it around her. But as time has passed I began painting my toenails and do a pretty complete body shave most of the time. She called that "annoying" when she would see me. But I simply continued to do it, offered to talk (but she isn't talking), and tried to keep it out of her sight as much as practical (but like, holy cow, I do take my socks off once in awhile).
But I think the thing that is beginning to bring her around is when I spend the entire day doing hard physical work around the house on her pet projects (like painting, gardening, to extremes you wouldn't believe). And then afterwards, in the evening, I clean up and repaint my toenails while watching tv with her. She no longer complains, I think she believes that I have earned it after a hard day's work (as if the office isn't hard enough). Working hard on her pet projects is convincing her that I love her and am not headed for a sex change any time soon.
I told my wife a little over a year ago. She too was shocked about it. We entered into a "No Ask, No Tell" phase. Then one day about 2 months ago, we ended up face-to-face with me fully dressed. we at down and talk for a few hours. It turns out she had this preconceived notion about what a CDing is, how we dressed, how we acted, and etc. When we sat and talked she realized that her image of a CDer was wrong and I was still the same man she married 25 years before. Now she has accepted my CDing, has seen me dressed, helped me get dressed, helped me shop for heels, and now has seen pictures of myself and my Tri-Ess sisters. She was surprised that we looked like normal females. In fact she mistook one of the wives for a CDer.
Give a little time and then see if you can get her to sit down and talk to you. Lay it all out to her. Make sure you get the point across that it is you, you were born this way, and it does not go away. Once she gets over the shock, life may well get better. Just keep the communication lines open. Don't give up yet. OK
Well... I think you have to take her up on her offer to help. It is also bad to drink alone so make a party out of it. It might be a good start to tell her you want to experiment with her help...for fun to see how passable you could look. Take this with a grain of salt, I've not gone through exactly the same.
I think it may prove useful to think how you would feel if the situation was reversed. That is to say, you come home sick from work and your wife is on the couch wearing a male style wig, maybe a fake beard and is dressed all in male clothes. Really think about it too. Being a crossdresser it is easy to say you'd be cool with it, and heck maybe that is how you would honestly feel, but really think about it. That is just myand at any rate I wish you and your wife a long and happy marriage.
- Natalie
P.S. that's what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R where eliminated.
-Mitch Headburg
"If you think you think outside the box, you're trapped in one"
- M.C. Paul Barman
Hi Shadow: Nifty name. Not to be discouraging but 2 days is such a very short time. It may take a long time, I'm on 4 yrs since coming out to my so, or it may only be a short time as some in here have posted, or worst case it may never happen. You just have to take it one day at a time and at her pace and guidance. Just don't ever lie to her when she asks questions, always tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. If you don't know the answer to her question tell her so, and then do some research. You can get a lot of answers in here when you need to.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Shine On You Crazy Diamond
Luv Jamie
Hang in there, but take it very slow.
I disclosed to my SO just a couple of weeks back; we have talked everyday since.At first the shock nearly killed her; she believe our marriage was a sham, her trust was betrayed, she didn't want another girlfriend, the husband she loved had been stolen.
As the shock subsides, and the reassurances pour from your heart, the discussion slowly become less painful, less spiteful, with more understanding rather than accusation.
However, too much information too soon can result in overload, so tread very slowly. Let her set the pace, not you, but make sure that you do talk a little everyday and do a lot of listening. Roll with the punches and don't counter or block them. She is going to be angry inside for quite some time to come; she is going to be confused, scared, and disappointed.
Finally, alcohol is not an answer for either of you. When was the last time you had a rational discussion on a sensitive subject whilst intoxicated. Sure, have a beer or a glass of wine to ease the inhibitions but be moderate. (BTW: I enjoy getting smashed like the next girl but now's simply not the right time.)
This will take a lot of work but I strongly recommend you keep the lawyers out of it. A counsellor will help (mine has been a huge help) but a lawyer will just rape your pocket book.
Good luck.
Nikki
A young girl asks a wise old woman;
"How does one become a butterfly?",
With a twinkle in her eye the old woman replies,
"You must be willing to give up being a caterpillar".
Sorry to hear of your situation, Give her time, but if she dosn't come round, "How will you feel" can you live without cross dressing? You could make promisses not to do it again and throw out your clothes, (I have done that more than once in the past) but if it's in your make up you will be very unhappy, You only have one life LIVE IT, I was the one who decided to end my marriage & find a new partner who would love me for who I am, I did & she loves Katie, but I am still a man and now very happy with my life. I hope you will find the same happyness in your life,
Love, Katie, X
PS. As "sarcasm" is the lowest form of personal attack, You could take up her offer of help with your make up and shave off your beard and put the ball back in her court.
(just an idea)
A book written by an SO that is very supportive is "My Husband Wears My Clothes" by Peggy Rudd. In there she talks about the stages that she went through with her husband. The stage your wife is in right now is one of loss. The man she married is now gone, and she may fear that you may want to transition or that you are homosexual or bisexual, even though none of these things may be true.
Not only may she want to read it, but you may want to also. Because it talks about how the cross-dresser needs to keep lines of communication open and still be understanding of her needs, like she may only want to have sex with the male side of you. And according to the book, divorce may be that last thing you and her may want to do.
Anyway, there's this book and others. They are all quite helpful.
Love, Tracy
Everybody's normal until you get to know them. - Tracy Schapes
An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.
- Jef Mallett
Blog: Tracy's Happy Place
You need to try to get her to sit down and talk to you, both of you need to get things out in the open. She may not like what you're saying and the same maybe for you, but if you can discuss not argue, and listen to each other then she might come round.
This has been a big shock for her, she's just found out that her husband has been keeping this from her. She probably feels that she can't trust you at this moment in time, but that may come back but it's going to take a lot of time and thought on your part.
Two days is no time at all for her to get her head around this.
Don't expect miracles over night because it's just not going to happen, it could take months even years, even then she may not be totally accepting.
Most of all get the lines of communication going, also try to get her to join here, where she'll get lot of help and support from other wives who have been through this.
Sandra
Administrator
I always used to rib you about your legs can't anymore. R.I.P Sexy Legs
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I would like to thank all of you for your help and advice, Right now my SO has decided that if we don't talk about it, it will just go away. She gets mad at me because I bring it up and try to talk a little. BTW now that she knows I took the next step and shaved my legs last nite. It is amazing how something so simple can fel so nice. I think I'm going out for my first pair of heels to go with my soft legs.
depends on the woman and how open minded they are.....mine found out and it was all over.live on my own and can't wait to get home to dress...and now on here even better
This is my second post on this same subject with just a few minutes! See "Told My Wife."
When will you ladies learn that a marriage, to be successful, must always have open and honest communication? That means, if you are a crossdresser before you are married, you tell you fiance! If you become a crossdresser after you are married, you tell your wife immediately. Now I know a lot of are going to say that is crazy. But it isn't, it just goes back to the open and honest communication. Your wife married a Man, or at least she thought she did! Now she finds out that you like to dress like a woman! She is obviously going to wonder, what is next! I told my wife before we were married, and we had over 49 happy years together before she passed on!
Divorce should be the last thing on your mind if you truly love her. What you need to is communicate that love, and the fact that you are still her MAN, regardless of what kind of clothes you happen to be wearing. You have already been given some good advise, use it wisely. Always remember, honesty is the best policy. It is a whole lot easier to remember the truth, then to remember a lie!
Sissy/Stephanie
Lady on the outside, but man underneath!
