I've been relatively open in relationships, now reconsidering

[Jonianne]

HI Jenny,

Just to throw my 2cents in, I do think you need to inform your future mate well before being too serious. And yes people do change their feelings after a while. I told my second wife just as soon as we started getting serious. And now even after we've been married, when she starts to worry a bit about it, she remarks to me, well its not like you didn't tell me from the start. Then we talk some more about it and I give her more assurance.

One thing that helped my wife from the begining was that I was doing volunteer work, helping paraplegics, and she watched me from a distance. She saw my heart, and said to herself, this is the kind of man I want to be with. (She related all this to me later)
So when the time came when I gave her the, "there's something about me that you need to know", she was willing to work through it.

bless you

[smokey]

i think it's good you are being up front about it. i think it would be good to wait till a woman really knows your wonderful qualities so there's more of a balance..."CD scary...but all these wonderful qualities..." and not so easy to reject a relationship with you. not to hook someone in, but to get more the whole picture. how far that is i don't know.
talking about not finding a relationship to work out...i'm 54 years old and only married once for 5 years. a long haul finding a keeper. it can happen whether CD'ing is involved or not.
the conservative thing can be misleading. i'm fairly shy, reserved, may appear conservative. my SO appears very conservative, is in an analytical field, also reserved; but is quite open minded, accepting of walks of life, and crossdresses. you just never know till you get down deeper.
i think you're doing the right thing. timing is up to you.

[sterling12]

Jenny, it really seems that you have a situation of "damned if you do, damned if you don't." I have run into the same problem, you show candor and really try to explain the situation to someone you care about. She turns around and asks for "advise" from her Girlfriends, Sisters, Mother, or whomever. Your not trying to come to a compromise or solution with one person....you have all kinds of strangers who are now involved in a decision about THE TWO OF YOU!

Here's the important part. I believe that revealing a secret like this to someone shows how much you do care! It is a very personal thing between the two people involved. If she "outed" you to others....she wasn't the person for you. I think you need someone who is strong and independent, someone who can think for themselves.

The words I would long to hear: "I love you, anything else such as your CD can be dealt with." "What counts is that we love one another." Anything less, would probably never work out. I think that is what your looking for.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[EricaCD]

Hi Jenny. Haven't been posting here for a year (long story) but I'm gonna unlurk long enough to say that you have been doing EXACTLY the right thing. Don't change - you will eventually find a happy ending, and it will be immensely the happier for having found it with no deceptions.

Good for you in sticking to the honest approach!

Erica

And now, back into hiding...

[LuvMyBoy]

Jen - I don't know if you want input from a GG, but I was told by my friend after a very solid friendship had started, attraction was there for me, but nothing physical AT ALL had happened yet. I appreciated the fact that he told me and trusted me with this very tender area of his life before it went any further. It has not made me run away. But, I guess it was nice to have the choice. And it was nice to know before we got more involved cause the truth is, if you find someone who isn't gonna go for it once they know, then you might as well be honest up front cause life will just get more confusing and miserable and your heart will get broken. So, my advice, for what it is worth, is to hold out for someone who will love you no matter what you like to wear and can see what is inside your soul.

[CD Susan]

Without any doubt the right decision here is to be totally honest with anyone at the very beginning of a relationship. I made the mistake of not doing this and hid this part of me from my wife for 15 years. I reached the point where I began to have such strong feelings of guilt and dishonesty that I felt the right thing to do was to tell my wife the truth about me. She was shocked to hear this and would not accept it. It is sad that she had such a closed mind over this but it was the way she felt about it and nothing would make her change her mind about it. We devorced because of this and that made me feel worse than I did before. I felt that I was responsible for making our marriage of 15 years a disaster for both of us and I could have prevented this by being honest and open about being a cd from the beginning. Both of our lives would have been different and for the better if I had been honest with her from the beginning. If I should ever meet another woman that interests me I will tell her everything before any serious relationship developes. Even if someone rejects me because of this it does not change the fact that it is the right thing to do.

[Nadia-Maria]

Jenny-
"it's not hard for me to find quality women to date."
Perhaps they don't posses the right qualities. I think you're doing the right thing, but you must understand it may be a VERY long search.

I agree.

You are faced to a difficult choices and the right woman for you are not that many.
You attract different women. However those you like the most may have not the right temperamental traits.

For instance you may like women who love your self-confidence because they are lacking of it herselves. Whereas you need a stronger woman, more independant.
It's just an instance ; the problem may address another temperamental trait that you like but doesn't fit your personality in the CDing situation.

I'm another masculine person that no woman would think of me being a CD.
However my SO is a strong person. Sometimes it's difficult for me to accept her autority, because we are both strong people. I finally accept it because I might not get along so well with the standard profile of woman for me (what my ex was).

Love

Nadia

[Lara Smith]

Wow! This is such and interesting and complicated thread. I think you are absolutely correct in what you are doing, but maybe you need to meet more women from different social strata.

I won't rehash my feelings on why women pick the men they do, but the keyword is men. It is so difficult for women to find true status in the society we live in (shallow though it may be) that few are willing to risk being with someone so honest as you (and pretty!)

Let me tell you a story. I was in Louisville on business and my favorite bar there is Stevie Ray's Blues Bar down on the river. I am in my very male persona at the moment, facial hair and all. There is a very attractive and at least 12 to 15 years my junior women near me who is with a guy with longish hair and a beard. Suddenly I have drinks and the waitress says they are from the lady in question. I go to her to thank her and the three of us get acquainted. He is a line worker in a Ford factory. It is obvious she is bored with him (too much to drink) but she is very polite. The bars there are open until dawn. She suggests she's in the mood for Techno music and we adjourn to a bar down the street. It is a gay bar. I have never seen so many absolutely gorgeous men in my life, all dancing with each other. Except for the fact they were gay; the men of every woman’s dreams were in this bar.

The woman it turns out, wasn't all that interested in Techno. What she really wanted to do was to see the drag review in the theatre in the back of the building. She just wanted to see the guys dressed as girls. Her date was very uncomfortable with all of it. I was having fun watching the girls. She eventually apologized for her date and took him home, giving me her card and contact information.

The woman and I got to know each other. She was very smart. She was also an aesthetician and worked just 100 miles from me in my state. There was a connection there that she sensed, and I know our meeting could have worked out to both of our fondest hopes and needs. I never told her that I was married, and because I was, no matter how badly I wanted to get to know her, I knew I would not let it happen. I know what she and I wanted and where it could have gone.

My point in this long post is, destiny turns on a dime. I wasn't looking. But it was there for the taking. This is a woman I never would have met if I were looking in my social circle. But she was a woman who was far superior to and much more in tune with what I needed than I would have found or met elsewhere.

On some levels I regret the missed opportunity. But it made me happy to know I had met a woman who would have loved to do my makeup and help me be as beautiful as I wanted to be. They are out there.

[destinysgirl]

Hi Jen, hang in there! This coming from a straight woman 41 who never dated or even knew of cd befor. But here's my take and I wish for all you great cd woman out here....if dressing like a beautiful sexy woman is the worst thing my boyfriend wants to do.... I encourage it....fully! As apposed to cheating lying or beating me. Woman put up with such bs for years from men and they accept it, but cd... they won't even listen as to why you want to do this. I feel for all of you out there and I wish there were more girls like me to date such great cd people like you! Don't give up!

[Michelle Charles]

I think you are absolutely correct in the path you've chosen. I think honesty is crucial to any relationship and this part of you is not going away, your future wife has a right to know up front. Much the same as you have a right to her "demons". building a relationship on truth is a key to a long lasting and loving one, and what a great example to set for kids in todays world....integrity!

Michelle

[Ashley1]

Jen, I live in beach city in SoCal not too far from where you live, and I have lived here for a long time so I think that I have a little insight for the type of social circle that you live in. I have also read some of your previous posts, and know that you would most likely be a very good catch for some of the GG's in your social circle. However, as CD's, we are not acceptable to many of the people in a typical SoCal beach social circle, nor are we acceptable to many people in most parts of the U.S. as a possible mate and the father of a GG's children.

Perhaps the worst thing that could happen to you would for you to enter into a marriage without disclosure, father a child or children and then have your wife find out about your CD desires and decide that she could not live with it and seek a divorce.

I think that you are much better to continue to tell any GG up front as you have been doing and hope that you luck out and find one that you think is a suitable mate who will take you as a whole package, including the dressing, as a part of the marriage contract. You are an intelligent person, and I think that deep down you know that disclosure is really your only option. Really, you still have several years to achieve your ideal marriage so don't be in too big a rush. I hope that you are successful.


Ashley

[racquel]

But the question of when to tell in a romantic situation is still very tough. Certainly, before marriage is more than logical and even ethical but maybe I should wait until after engagement?

If you were to wait this long what pray tell would your girlfriend tell people when she called off the engagement?
It would seem that this would force her to 'out' you to all her friends and relatives as well as yours.I think you are on the correct path now.Be patient.Good luck.

[StephanieF]

I'm in much the same boat as you, Jenny and it is frustrating, no question. It's one thing to be married and discover this part of you is much more important than you'd ever imagined and have to deal with it then, but by not telling her you could stir up a whole bunch of bad emotions in her including a feeling of being tricked & trapped. (and there's the whole separate issue of kids)

If you go that route, you're knowingly starting a relationship based partly on deceit and when the time comes you feel you need to share with her, or worse get caught, your wife / SO will never look at you again with the same degree of trust.

Talk to that counsellor you say was beneficial, about the best way to approach a potential spouse.

Good luck to you.

[Huntress]

MalibuJenny,
To thine own self be true. This above all else.

My relationship path is much the same as yours. I know CD'ing is part and parcel of who I am. Only a PART. I would no sooner expect a woman to pick up such an outre manifestation of gender different behavior than I would pick up a woman of untested character. My bona fides and accomplishments are of some depth & breadth. Many women try, but fail to get their hand on the door, due to other more overt personality/character/accomplishments shortfalls. If they transit that stage. The litmus test of Cd'ing is brought to the fore to see the reach of their intellect, imagination, morality, and courage. The faint hearted are never even approached. While this seems hard, it does prevent broken hearts and dreams, and no apologies needed on either side.

De Oppresso Liber,

Huntress

[Katherine Bell]

I meet my SO when she was dressed, so that helped a bit to know it was something she desired to do. However the depths of cross dressing is still a revelation to me, sometimes it comes easily other times not. I know this will sound terribly cliqued but when you do find the one you are meant to be with, the timing will not matter, she will accept and love you regardless.
Not say it does not take allot of hard work from both but everyone has part of themselves that can and do affect a relationship. Don't put yourself in the situation that it becomes a deal breaker. Theses women all have their own issues too that they bring to the table. Perhaps you need to make them aware of the things you have to deal with concerning their life.
I think overall you have a great perspective and healthy expectations. Instead of looking for GG's who hang out with other CD's try bisexual women or women who have their own unique sexualities/lifestyle choices. That's a bigger pool of possible matches; while not giant it does give you more diversity. You may also consider younger woman. They tend to have greater acceptance and at least some knowledge of various sexualities, lifestyles etc.

[Josephine 1941]

Hi Jenny, You are going about it in the right way. I have been up front with all the women I have dated, most have no peoblem. I do have to say that I am here in Flordia and the ratio is 7 to one women to men. I am now living with a very nice an beautiful women she is 55 and I am 67 and she treets me like gold. We are the same size in all our cloths and shoes so we have a very exciteding time with cloths. Hang in there the right one will come along. By the way u are a very beautiful women . Josephine

[Miss Petra]

Jenny,

If it is the right woman for you it will come. Woman appreciate honesty and truth. Like others have said some woman have been thru lies cheating and beatings...Dressing in womans clothes is nothing compared to that. You may want to consider a different approach in telling them. Try a search on the Beaumont society and Crossdressers secret garden websites. They have excellent strategies to coming out to the ones we love.

I had an acquaintance who listed right on a dating site that he was a crossdresser and wanted to make sure anyone he dated knew that. He got a lot of responses and had some great dates. They all appreciated his honesty and confidence. Woman are looking for an honest, kind, compassionate man and a little feminine after they have been through the manly men in their 20's who were none of the above and treated them poorly.

One last thing is you are very pretty and passable and if you show them pics show one that is not as passable. Some woman are threatened by us looking as good or better than them.

Hugz,

Miss Petra