Happy Balance Along the Continuum

[ReineD]

I received a message from a new member who wanted to discuss one of my previous threads regarding being "bi-gendered". She expressed the wish to have her femme side "win out". This gave rise to a concept I am still struggling to grasp. Please forgive me if I repeat myself.

In the final analysis, it really does not matter to me whether it is called being bi-gendered, CD, dual-gendered, trans, or any other term. So this discussion need not get into labels. But, after reading many posts here I do see that it is a continuum, from simply under dressing in secret to living full time. I believe all trans people are somewhere along the scale and it is as individual and varied as there are CDers. I also believe that CDers are at their given points depending on their life circumstances. I do think there is a tendency to grow as far as the individual CDer feels she can take it without risking losing her SO, family, job, etc.

What still puzzles me is my perception that if given the chance, the majority of CDers would want to have the femme "win out", which to me indicates a deep, secret wish to live and be full-time femme if it were at all possible. And if this is the case, and living full time is not possible without losing the afore-mentioned families and jobs, then how happy can the CDer be with her maleness? The popular notion is that CDers also wish to maintain their maleness. Would this be because they are concerned about losing these families or jobs, or because they really do cherish their male side? There are exceptions but there is an overwhelming majority of posts here that give off the sense that CDers simply cannot get enough of being femme.

It seems to be a paradox. Maybe there is much cross posting between the M2F CD and the TS sections?

I gather that many CDers don't know the answers themselves. Maybe it is a truth too difficult to face? A seasoned CDer on a different site told me once that in her opinion, CDers will never go as far as they dream to go.

Maybe I don't quite understand what "winning out" means.

I told the new member that I wish her all the best in coming to terms with expressing her femme side and finding her balance. It truly is a gift, I think. But I wonder sometimes if there is such a thing as a true happy balance.

[Paula Rae]

Quote Reine: "But I wonder sometimes if there is such a thing as a true happy balance."

For me Reine, I couldn't find a happy balance, so I became a Full Time Lady.
I Have been for over a year and enjoy every minute of it.
I wouldn't go back to being a Male for any thing in the world.

Paula Rae

[noeleena]

hi...Reine. i dont like the labels yet when i talk to people . i mean a lot . i use this which i am. i am a transfemale or just a women ... really i am both male & female & i am happy this way . i know i am accepted as a women as i live this way & with no problems . i am 60 . i came out to jos 11 years ago . then every body else 6 years ago. i do mean every body per t v & papers here in n z . so i am all out just use my name on google youll see . i know i can never be a women who can have my own child i just have to live with that other wise ..yea .. i am so happy to be just me hope this helps ...noeleena...

[Byllie]

Wonderful thread. For me, I like being on the continuum; to me it's the best of both ends (not worlds). I have a beard, and would love to shave it off, someday, to more fully experience my femme side. But I also appreciate the ability to grow it back, as the mood struck me. It's that duality of nature that I truly love.

At times, I try and assume a more femme body language, to approach that end of the continuum, but when I just be myself, I find a person somewhere in the middle. As my motto goes, "neither female nor male".

I like my duality. I enjoy my duality. I like me!

[Joanne f]

Interesting post, so much of it depends on the individual, where you live ,who you live with , how deep you are into it and a big part your personality all plays a part in how well you can cope or even accept what you are .
I can only say for myself that my wife often says, you have to be what makes you happy , and my answer most of the time is , but i can never or will never be happy , it is a constant tug of war for me having to way things up all the time, yet i know that there are a lot on here who have managed to do it, i wish it was that simple for me .



joanne

[Jonianne]

Hi Reine,

I think this is an excellent subject. I think one of the most important things I learned in my therapy is that you can have multiple emotons about many things in your life. For example, I used to think that if someone was angry with you, they couldn't love you at the same time. It blew my mind that you could have 180 degree opposite feelings at the same time. Typical male logical thinking!

Also feelings are constantly in motion. Its enough to make one seasick. I can only speak for my self when I say there is a part of me that would love to be female, but I also know that I am not, my male self is my default status. And when you throw in life's responsibilities that I have already set in motion for myself, SO, kids, my job which I love, with all things considered, I would not want to jepordise any of that. So finding a balance and respecting the boundries of those I am in relationship with is vital for me.

When I closely examine myself (I tend to be very introspective) I realized that as a child, I never wished to be a girl, but I did want to be like them in many ways. My earliest fantasy was walking through the woods, being able to change my self into a girl when I wanted to and then changing back into a boy when I wanted. Being a crossdresser very much fulfills that fantasy. In my mind I can be a girl at times and then go back to my "real" self when I want. So finding the balance on the continum
is important for me. And I know the balance will always be changing.

A thread I have posted in the media section called "Truly accepting yourself" mentions "....loving our ordinary, flawed, distinctive, caring, giving, taking, seeking, hiding, CONFILICTED selves....". This is what I had to learn, that in life, we will always have a level of conflict in ourselves and we have to learn to balance it according to our desires and responsibilities.

Thanks for bring up the topic.

[Angie G]

I happy with the reality of being a husband father and Grandfather if it were it not for them I really do believe my fem-side would win out. For with out being A husband, father and grandfather I'd have no good reason to me male. And would gladly embrace the girl in me 100%.
Angie

[Joy Carter]

If it were not for all the attachments in my male life, I'd give him up in a minute. My spouse is my life as is my kids.

[Sarasometimes]

I believe in the continuum as well. i am a crossdresser in the sense that I have NO desire to change into a female. Whether I had a family or not. I like being a male. I like a lot of feminine things and wearing a lot of those items as well. I also like being treated in a feminine way, as a woman would be treated (hairstyling, makeup, pedicures, facials...My explaination is that i am somewhere in the middle of the continuum and as lifes challenges change I may move a bit on the continuum but will stay pretty close to the same spot.
Of course I only know myself the way I am but feel good that I can relate the way I do to women. I don't need to make those crass comments the macho guys make about thier wives when they aren't around. i notice when my wife gets her hair cut of buys a new outfit. I can take care of my kids a bit differetnly than maybe your macho dad would.
Through a good therapist (finally) I am getting a better understanding of me.
Good thread!

[Patti Girl]

I too agree that many of us are "somewhere inbetween". How far varies day to day for me. And I certainly see that each of us here are different from each other in how far along we are and where we want to be.

I truly believe there is a "continuum" that we are spread across. And it probably varies for the individual from day to day where they want to be. I know I see where some of the girls here only get to dress a couple of times a month. While I probably never look as good as they do on those days, I do get to be somewhat feminine almost every day.

I enjoy being "somewhat feminine". At home, that means dressed in femme clothes even though I'm never passable. I don't think I'd really like to go through the effort of being passable all the time. For one thing, we have a farm and the makeup, wig, etc. just isn't compatible with the outdoor lifestyle, LOL. But I do love feeling and being a bit femme all the time even if it just means small stud earrings and a flat bra when in public, maybe with a little bit of very light makeup. Not enough to be obvious, but enough to make me feel good.

I feel comfortable and "appropriate" being partially femme. I'll never look as good as most of you girls in your photos, but that's okay. I'm happy just to be "inbetween". Of course, being "inbetween" probably makes it even more unacceptable in public, but at least I get to run around the farm in comfortable femme clothes.

Patti

[Lisa Rose]

Thanks Reine, Good post. I think the reason we have to find balance is because of the difficulty in returning to our male side should we transition fully. As they say, "There's no undoing the effects of surgery." I do believe, tho, without the legal requirments, one could have the surgery and still live 'their' life and be themselves with no one the wiser. It's the legal process and social implications that cause the need 'to find balance'.

[rian]

Being a crossdresser is not whether to be one this side or the other , it depends on the sisters themselves , and the enviroment , families , jobs , & personalities , we can have both sides or one side . To me it is the joy of feeling it part time or full time ....It is the stability to my life which gives balance to it ....So girls enjoy it instead of classifying it ...

[ErikaLeigh]

Great subject!!! Personally I am in a place right now where its hard to dress because of life being so busy. But given a choice without concequences, I would go 24/7. I want to get laser hair removal because I am sick of shaving and am quite hairy. I would NOT however resort to taking hormones because that can really mess up your body.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

My femme side basicaly has "won" the battle for now but not the "war". In that for most of my life I did everything possible to get rid of it, but nothing suceeded and I eventually admitted to myself that I am a CD, and my femme side has been growing ever since.

As for going full time, I'll give the standard answer that if I won the lottery and was not dependant upon my job, I would start going down the road of going 24-7. As for my male side it will always be a part of me. The difference in going 24-7 would be the extent that it exist.

Meaining that roles would be reversed, now I present as male but with a very strong inner female side. In going 24-7 I would present as female but with a very strong inner male side.

[RikkiOfLA]

The right balance for each of us is probably different. My balance may not suit anyone else; their balance may not suit you. But I have learned a lot from considering what others have written on the subject. I ask myself, "Would I like to do that?" about a lot of what I read. The answers may take a while to fully consider. There are also the "but then I'd have to thiat," or "lose the ability to do this" factors to consider.

After you know what you really want, the next step is planning how to get there. How much money is necessary? What friends and family might I lose by pursuing my dream? Is it worth it? Again, different answers for each of us. But don't think everything will be smooth sailing. It won't be. So planning includes being prepared for some bumps.

Blessings,
Rikki

[Tina Dixon]

Wow great post I must say, I think you hit all the points well

[ReineD]

Thank you all so much for your posts!

After reading the responses, I gather that for most of you CDing is an ever growing desire until the point is reached where you feel you will lose too much if you go further, a dream that cannot be fully satisfied? It is a quandary feeling femme in a male body, in an age where medical science can only perform cosmetic changes. Understanding this, and combined with a desire to live on the same plane as your loved ones and employers (who for the most part have varying degrees of less than full support) is what drives the decision to be happy with your male selves, at least a part of the time (or most of the time for those of you who do not wish to risk upsetting the apple cart)? This is your happiest alternative. Is this what constitutes the happy balance?

You have my full compassion and admiration.

[Jonianne]

Hi Reine,

I believe it is very common for people to have unfulfilled dreams in life and still live very happy and successful lives. My wife had the ability and was on her way to becoming a model, as well as to sing in the entertainment industry, but life happens, and she often expresses to me her sadness about that. She is successful in life and is a survivor.

So as crossdressers, if we don't get to do every thing we want, then so be it. I want to live and enjoy life the best I can, within the relationships I have. I am thankful to see another day, to have love and support from my wife with my CD'ing, and the limits I impose on my self are insignifiant compared to maintaining my relationships.

That doesn't mean I don't stand up for myself when necessary. My first wife was extremely, extremely hostile to me, to even own womens cloths. Being able to see the female in myself, on occasion, is just a part of who I am and have been since 7.

My wife now is more than OK about my CD'ing than I ever dreamed. We've been together 9 years and our love grows stronger each day. When we got married, I vowed to support her dreams and aspirations and she mine.

So, yes this is my happy balance. I think you have it exactly right, Reine.

[renee k]

Thank you all so much for your posts!

After reading the responses, I gather that for most of you CDing is an ever growing desire until the point is reached where you feel you will lose too much if you go further, a dream that cannot be fully satisfied? It is a quandary feeling femme in a male body, in an age where medical science can only perform cosmetic changes. Understanding this, and combined with a desire to live on the same plane as your loved ones and employers (who for the most part have varying degrees of less than full support) is what drives the decision to be happy with your male selves, at least a part of the time (or most of the time for those of you who do not wish to risk upsetting the apple cart)? This is your happiest alternative. Is this what constitutes the happy balance?

You have my full compassion and admiration.

Reine, Your thoughts and perceptions are dead on. In my case I love my family and career to much, to put them though my "drama". So I've taken my desires to be a woman as far as I can, and maintain a balanced life. Had I started down the road to being a woman prior to career and family there's no doubt in my mind I would have gone all the way. Please bear in mind this is all said in hindsight. Back when I was young I had this notion that something was not right with my gender. But had very little information or support to pursue it. So I went on with life, married raised a family, and pursued my career. Now that the kids are on their own, and no longer married. I decided to take my desires to be a woman as far as I can, "without upsetting the apple cart". Life is full compromises, and I'm as happy as I can be given my situation. Your compassion and admiration is deeply appreciated.

Huggs, Renee

[Kate Simmons]

Balance for myself was not just a nice to have but essential Hon. I have integated all of my feelings under one "umbrella". This way I'm always myself no matter what I look like.

[ann stef]

Being retired now, I can enjoy dressing comfortably in a stretch knit dress all day. I wear nightgowns at night. Have no particular desire to dressd stylish as a male or pretend to be a tough male. Only dress en drab when going in town.

[Lisa Rose]

"This is your happiest alternative. Is this what constitutes the happy balance?"


Yes.

[Byllie]

After reading the responses, I gather that for most of you CDing is an ever growing desire until the point is reached where you feel you will lose too much if you go further, a dream that cannot be fully satisfied? It is a quandary feeling femme in a male body, in an age where medical science can only perform cosmetic changes. Understanding this, and combined with a desire to live on the same plane as your loved ones and employers (who for the most part have varying degrees of less than full support) is what drives the decision to be happy with your male selves, at least a part of the time (or most of the time for those of you who do not wish to risk upsetting the apple cart)? This is your happiest alternative. Is this what constitutes the happy balance?

Well, for me, the optimum would be to wear what I want and act as I wish whenever I wanted. And what would that be? Well I have never wished to be woman, or felt I was a woman in a man's body. I am who I am (sorry Popeye) and that means somewhere in the middle of the spectrum. My balance is fulfilling this need as much as I can without causing grief to those I cherish and love, such as my wife of 30 years.

Toodles!
Byllie

[RobertaFermina]

I'd dress alot more if not for circumstances that are intolerant of my CDing. At the very least, I'd dress alot more to discover just how much I can happily sustain life Enfemme.

I feel frustrated because there is a happy balance for myself, and a balance that optimizes happiness within my S.O., family, work and other relationships.

The good news is that there is plenty of room to dress, though not enough to be completely spontaneous with myself.

I find I have a Happy Balance becuase I get some happiness with CDing within the limits I accept, and much happiness with my S.O., family, profession, etc.

I put my full-spectrum happiness before my happiness as a CD-er.

It also means that my happiness as a guy and dad and engineer supplements my limited happiness as a CDer, or, if you will, my more feminine self-expression.

Roberta

[Byllie]

It also means that my happiness as a guy and dad and engineer supplements my limited happiness as a CDer, or, if you will, my more feminine self-expression.

But who's to say that the balance you've found is not where you're supposed to be, or that it's the point n he spectrum from which you receive the greatest joy? It sounds as if you get great pleasure from being both male and female. So, why not sit back and appreciate the blessing of having found this comfort zone?