Is it a matter of trust or is it something else????

[Stephanie47]

A question for GG's.

I just read and posted a response to Karen plight. I don't know if my post is going to be perceived as a question or a rant. If a wife discovers her husband is a cross dresser after many years of marriage, how long does it take to forgive the husband for not disclosing that facet of his inner being. Karen used the term trust. Now I do not mean what happens after disclosure and ground rules were established. As in the husband is spending too much money on clothing. Or he is sitting around the house in a dress and heels which clearly is breaking the rules, the in your face militant approach. Ignoring the wife's wish he not go out dressed. The husband just wishes to dress in the private of his home and his private time.

If your man did not reveal or conceals his cross dressing desires, and, he has done absolutely nothing else to upset the marital bliss, is it a matter of trust after six years, ten years, twenty years, a lifetime?

When do you 'forgive' him for being who he is? Or, is it something else?

[CloserthanthisGG]

Trust is a big part of it. But I know that it's not all.

My grandmother married a man she calls her soul mate. She met him a few years after my grandfather died. He'd been married previously as well, and his wife had died after a long battle with cancer. But she finds out on her wedding night to him that he is unable to have sex. She felt very very misled. He was well aware of this fact and did not deem it import enough to tell her until it came up on their wedding night. She said that she felt lied to, even though it was a lie of omission. He was just too embarrassed to tell her about it. They were married for 20 years after this though.

In this case, he omitted something but she knew that it was because he was too horribly embarrassed to tell her. She realized that he loved her and although he didn't specifically say these words, she knew that he had been afraid he would lose her, that she wouldn't marry him if she knew that. But she thought it was very selfish of him to wait until it came up on their wedding night to share this bit of information, because even if it would have made a difference, it was still her right to know about prior to their wedding night.

But in the case of finding out about CDing, since it's a subject that is less talked about than sex, women generally don't know anything about it before they find out. If they have any preconcieved notions at all, they're usually very negative. So it's only partially the trust thing. The other part is being able to overcome all the preconceived notions, having never talked about it, experienced it, or even seen much of any kind of examples of it on television except for that one King of the Hill episode. And then, after talking to their husbands, they still have to take their word for whatever they say,because they can't just go talk to their mothers or their best friends about it because those people don't have any clue either...

So not only are they untrusting after that, they're isolated and alone in dealing with something that the only knowledge they have about is negative except what their husband tells them. Unless they come here.

And there's all kinds of other ways to be hurt by it, for example... "did you think I couldn't handle it?" "Do you have no respect for me and my decisions?" Because I think that's how my grandmother felt after her surprise.

[Sandra]

Fed up of having to deleted posts.

Will people please read the ops opening post.

A question for GG's. this does not mean that cds/ts can answer

Read the rules about posting in specific posting requests

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...spec_post_poll

[WifeofWrenchette]

To the OP's question about trust:

I, personally, could care less if my man wears a dress 24/7. What I don't to this day, and back then like, was the "omission" that he was a CD. Would I still have married him? My answer is yes.

I don't, and most women don't, like nor appreciate being LIED to.

What made it worse, in my particular case, was that his EX told me about it, NOT HIM. Yes, I was mad. I got over it after about a year. Some women it takes longer.

There isn't a specific time limit. It takes time to rebuild trust. Actions speak much louder than words, but kind words never hurt.

If the husband/SO is doing everything he can to rebuild trust and it's been years then counseling should be sought. If that doesn't work then there are other issues afloat and the relationship should probably be re-evaluated at that point.

Relationships are hard and take work, by BOTH parties. If one party isn't interested in working on it then there is a problem.

A person cannot make another person trust them 100% nor can they make another person love them unconditionally.