I know about his CDing... he doesn't know I know

[brit_cd]

I would probably do the same if my wife asked me to put on her pantys out of fear. I would luv to but i would be too scared.
If she started dressing my i would not fight it. & if she said she really liked the way i looked in her clothes i would luv it.
Maybe you can talk him into dressing for halloween. He will get to dress & nobody would know he is a cd. Then you could tell him how much you liked it & if he would do it more for you.
I know i would like to tell my wife but am too scared she would not understand. I dont want to risk loosing her over it. If i knew she would understand & maybe even like it then i might tell her or leave hints.

Good luck & keep us posted!!

The movie idea would be a good opener also!!

[stellatoo]

The absolute best film is called: "Just Like a Woman." It's a British Film, but I think the Male CD is a "Yank."

Have to agree, this film is good-Julie Walters is in it if I remember right-and it's very true to life; although the ending is different to the book. But that's the business we call show I suppose

If you're in the UK you could alwways wait until "Kinky Boots" makes it to Broadway

Best of luck with everything


Stella

[heidi99]

Hi, Maid.

You sound like a great gal. I'll share with you my thoughts about similarities in my own situation.

A former girlfriend (with whom I'm still friends) found a cache of my things in my house, and asked me whose they were. I remember not being able to answer. While I knew that the CD'ing side of me existed, I had not yet embraced it, so I couldn't really open up and share it with another.

That saying about it not being about the destination, but rather the journey speaks volumes about the human condition.

It wasn't until a later date (after I had gone through the looking glass and accepted that this is a part of who I am) that I was able to finally tell her that I crossdress. Her reply (like several of my other friends) was, "I know."

Bottom line is that (don't take this as a slam, as it is truly not meant to be!) a year is still in the "get to know you" phase. I don't know if I agree with getting it out in the open (or forcing that to happen.) We go through life (not just crossdressers, but everyone) looking for acceptance. If he feels that you are there and will continue to be there, he may be more comfortable looking at who he is, coming to terms with it, and opening up more.

I wish you both all the best!!!

[DonnaT]

A word of caution. I remember another couple where the CDing BF was afraid to come out. The GF's efforts to get him to open up resulted in him breaking it off.

[Lara Smith]

You sound like an honorable woman (it's in your name), so maybe it is time to do the honorable thing and tell him you know. Some suggestions...

• Select a time when the two of you can spend some quality time without interruptions. If that means sending all the kids of to sleepovers at friends or relatives, then make that arrangement.
• Set the mood. Let your partner know that your love is unconditional. Let him/her know that you value the whole person s/he is. Let her/him know that you desire to encourage and inspire them to be complete, happy and at peace.
• If you have fears or concerns or questions, talk about them. This is new to you and it would be abnormal if you did not.
• Be as prepared to forgive her/his indiscretion in not telling you as as you would expect her/his forgiveness in snooping and, in reality, not showing trust in them.
• Be willing to accept that your partners desire to dress may be something that they consider a private and personal issue, one that they do not wish to share, at least at this point of their self development. If that is the case, respect that.
• Offer to assist but don't push yourself into the situation. Pick up your cues from your partner and be willing to go at their pace. Acceptance by our loved ones is a relatively infrequent phenomenon for those of us in the trans-gender community and it sometimes takes us some time to adjust to it as well. Please be patient.

I wish you both well and I hope you partner, if they have not already joined our forum, would consider becoming a part of our family here as well.

This is very good advice. This is a tough one all the way around. I began weaning girl’s things when I was very, very young. It wasn't until I had been married for several years, and actually mail ordered everything I needed to dress beyond slips, bras, and panties, that I came to grips with the fact that, not only was I a CD, but I liked being a CD and wanted to continue. It was so very difficult to admit this to myself and come to terms with it, even after I knew there was no denying it.

I have done some very scary things in my life, but nothing was more filled with fear, I mean absolute fear, than telling my spouse about myself. No matter how much I knew she loved me, I could only envision her leaving me in disgust and telling everyone she knew what a sick person I was and why.

Your SO may be facing the same fears. He may want to tell you in the worst way, but the more he loves and values you, the more difficult it may be for him. As for exposure, remember the worst (in our sick society) insult that can be heaped on a man, is to be equated with a woman, i.e., pantywaist, sissy, etc... This is all running through his mind, trust me. He just needs to know that the next time you offer him your panties to wear, that you aren't gong to burn him for it. And he needs to know it beyond a shadow of a doubt!

Sorry to be long winded, and I hope this helps you understand what he may be going through.

Lara

[LovelyRita]

You could reverse the way I came out to my wife. We started to have a fantasy nite, to try new things and about the third time I suggested role reversal. She was in to it and that nite she actually enjoy 3 hours of making me up (bathing, her shaving me from the neck down, and make-up) and we had very intimate conversions in which I admitted to having always been drawn to it. Now, she doesnt want me to go out, but when we are in a store, she and I will pick me out an outfit.

[renee k]

Thank you all for your advice. And I'm afraid I don't have a sister, twin or otherwise! I am going to have to learn to be patient and take it as it comes - little by little I suspect. I have thought about films (to open the dialogue) but can only think of 'Priscilla...' which we watched very recently (but before I found out for sure). Are there any other titles you could recommend? I can understand his reluctance to share and he has hinted that there's something but "not yet". In the meantime, I will just concentrate on other things in my life and try not to let this 'secret' become the overwhelming part of it, which it's in danger of becoming! Thank you all - I'm sure I'll be back!

Hi maid of honor,

I've got a couple of recommendations for you, as far as movies go. First, " just Like A Woman" It was made in the UK in the nineties I found my copy on Ebay. And it's available on DVD. I'm sure it's still out there. Second, "Some Like it Hot", a classic comedy from the fifties. It's still out there in DVD. Both are good and would help you pave the way to your SO opening up. Hope these suggestions help.

Huggs, Renee

[Jonianne]

Hi Maid of Honour,

What a crossdressers dream come true you are! If it does turn out that he is a CD and does start to open up to you, remember to share with him your boundries with the crossdressing as well as your openess.

That was a mistake I had with my first wife. I thought, WOW, someone who is OK with me, I get to do what was pent up in me all my life. Well, we had not discussed any boundries, so it wasn't long, I was wanting to do more than she was comfortable with. Needless to say it didn't end well for us.

With my wife now, we had long discussions concerning what was OK and not with her before we got married. Boundries will, of course, change over time, but they give both of us a safe area to play in.

[donnasweetheart]

I too figured it out on my own, I tried to get him to tell me on his own but he wouldn't, so one night I just told him, "honey I already know your a cross dresser". It was the best thing that happened to the two of us. With it out in the open it took our relationship to a whole new level. Honesty is the best policy. No more sneaking and hiding. It lifted a burden off both of us and besides that we both enjoy Donna now. She has became a big part of my life and wouldn't know what to do without her.

[MJ]

The point I'm trying to make is this is a very embarrassing thing to talk with a spouse or friend about. This is the most private thing a person does and its hard to open up and share it with somebody, in some ways it is a kinda of stripping down and showing that you aren't that macho man you may have married and its very hard to admit .

Exactly. My hope for him would be that he would do in time because I don't think its healthy to keep these things a secret and bottle them up inside of you. But very well said Samantha
Bev

both Samantha and Bev are right i would prefer to have a sex change without anesthetic than the woman i love find out my little secret ...well she did find out..

For a while I had my suspicions, having been with a cder before, but also knew that if I was wrong and just blurted it out... oh the mess that would have been...

But then, the day or so before Valentine's day, I had a conversation with a few friends. My days in the theater were mentioned and someone asked about a friend that crossdresses. Unfortunately, this started this big huge argument about it and I was so infuriated I must have been purple!

Valentine's day: I'm sitting with Kayla (not knowing Kayla existed yet) and began to relay the whole conversation. As I talked I realized she had no adverse reaction, didn't say it was "gay", "gross".... really she didn't say much of anything. So suddenly I figured, what the hell. I asked her if she ever dressed before. She kind of didn't answer. I asked if she'd be upset if someone dressed her as a female. She said no, I said, "great, let's go into the bathroom!" In a short amount of time, Kayla (makeup done and in some of my clothes) sat before me and finally admitted she was a cder.

I've been madly in love ever since. Talk about a hell of a Valentine's gift. I now consider that Kayla's birthday as well.

:love:

aww thats so lovely Ty for sharing

[Kerrie Sifton]

Maid, thank you for getting the conversation going, this is happening to me right now, my wife of 27 years found one of my blouses and then some of my stockings and was suprised. The encounter came to a halt as I was tongue tied, and said the blouse was for her... she thought that odd, and I should have just come out then. If I was pressed on "are you a cd" without the right openings, I would probably back away, partly fear and partly embarassment for not having brought it up earlier.
Today I am coming to the point of open discussion, and determining just what I like (or love) about being more feminine.
Will it turn out well? She has given some indication that she might accept it, but I too am moving cautiously.

All the best.
Kerrie

[Sarah_GG]

I think the problem is that with something like this that's been kept a secret for so long it's second nature to deny anything and not react to any dropped hints.

Reading through this forum I realise what CDers risk when they let the genie out of the bottle... but how can something so important and such a fundamental part of oneself be denied? And there never is a 'right' time to tell someone... a dropped hint that's seized upon could mean the start of weeks of upheaval, tears, rows, accusations and misunderstanding - just before a holiday/a family wedding/a death/interview/in-laws arriving etc...

I'm not surprised that it's so difficult to 'out' oneself. I'm glad I asked the question because I might've gone at it like a bull in a china shop and asked straight out. As it is, I've decided to go little by little and let him know that I'm comfortable with things by suggesting them and gently persuading him that it's ok. Hopefully that will generate some discussion and trust.

After all, I already know. And I'm still here... what's to be gained by me asking the question! I guess it's up to me now to allow him the space and privacy to take that to the next level. I do understand how SOs feel like they've been let down and lied to... but I really don't think (from extensive reading on this forum) that many CDers have a choice - it's another of those damned if you do and damned if you don't scenarios. There are a lot of issues thrown up by telling... far easier to keep quiet - so hats off to all those who have told their SOs - that sort of courage and honesty is to be applauded.

It's been a steep learning curve and thank you all, again, for all your suggestions, tips and encouragement. I'll keep you posted when we get back from our vacation in three weeks!

[LeahCD2002]

Well M of H,

You are no doubt a great supporter of your SO and it is so nice to see your open-mindedness.

Being a CD who is totally in the closet, and enjoys this secret part of my life, I would be sure not to pressure her and put her 'on the spot'. The secrecy of this hobby is often the appealing piece for many CDs.

Also, When I dress it must be a certain way and I would not be ready to allow someone to paint my nails and so on...I would find it rather embarassing. The true way for me to come out would be to give me ample time to get dressed to the nines and then make my entrance! Partial dressing is often not embraced by CDs.

So, why not let her know subtly that you are aware and then allow her the time and opportunity to make her debut.

That is what I would want.

Hope this helps girlie.

Leah

[cdpam02]

Hello Sarah:

Here's an idea you may consider. See if you can find out what his femme screename is. Communicate with him there. At the right time, reveal yourself as the woman he now loves but is afraid to reveal herself to. There are risks involved and I can't say it worked in my case, but I can understand your significant other's reluctance to reveal herself.

I'd be curious of others' opinions on this suggestion.

Good luck.

[Tracii G]

Having an SO that knows and accepts your CDing is priceless.

[Bridged]

I think that you are on the right track coming hear for advice. I found evidence of my husbands cding years ago. I reacted very badly. The result was that it took a good five years for me to finally get him to speak to me about it. Now, we are finally working things out but it is taking alot of time and patience from me. I get angry with myself about the damage I have caused by being ignorant. You, are ahead of the game, and good for you! My advice is to try approaching it very openly, without any pretense that you want him to admitsomething, just that you are aware of this, and you are accepting and there for him. I am dealing with this right now and I feel for you, but what I have learned from a lot of very insightful people on this forum is that he will come around only when feeling safest with you. My last piece of advice would be to remember that although this is difficult for you, it is him that probably feels quite a bit more scared and maybe even embarrassed. He may not be accepting of this side of himself yet, therefore finds it infinitely more difficult to talk to you about it. Time.... that's what everyone keeps telling me and it seems to be helping. Good luck

Hello Sarah:

Here's an idea you may consider. See if you can find out what his femme screename is. Communicate with him there. At the right time, reveal yourself as the woman he now loves but is afraid to reveal herself to. There are risks involved and I can't say it worked in my case, but I can understand your significant other's reluctance to reveal herself.

I'd be curious of others' opinions on this suggestion.

Good luck.

I suggested this approach to my reluctant husband. I told him that I was feeling like I was the only one "dealing" with this, while he remained silent. I thought he would feel more open talking in a less face to face environment. He could become "her" without me seeing(I haven't met "her" yet). I'm waiting to get her first email! I'll have to let you know how it works out.

[Joni T]

Hey,
You know Halloween is just around the corner. How about suggesting that the two of you go out on Halloween night to dinner or? and just tell him it would be fun to have a "Gurlz Nite Out" with your best GF. What have you got to lose?
Joni

[Andrea's Lynne]

Sarah

Just wanted you to know you (and your SO) are in my thoughts and prayers.

With my lovely wife, she took it slow and is now accepting of this part of me that I wasn't sure I could share with anyone. She's a doll and I'm blessed to have her in my life.

And it sounds like your man is in the same situation. Best wishes!!!

[Christinedreamer]

I don't think a blunt approach is necessarily best. He is already nervous about this and an abrupt comment of "I found some pics of you in drag......: may immediately put him on the defensive and denial path.

The halloween subject line is an oldy but a goody. The husband of the dressmaker who created the white dress in my avatar was dressed as a french maid on that Halloween night. His wife thought he was just going along with the fun of MY dressing but I felt he was hiding the truth. As I found out later, after we parted that night she found herself getting kind of turned on by his outfit and the change in his demeanor.

Long story short- they conceived their first son that night while he was en femme.

That happens sometimes, but more often there is always a deep fear on the part of the CD. I would suggest a movie more like "Just Like a Woman". The story is true and the depth of the emotional needs for both the CD and the future GG love interest are explored in a way that makes conversation after the movie easier.

Remember that male egos are very fragile and you have to tread gently to allow the femme side of you SO to come out and feel safe doing so.

just my .

Christine

[Sarah_GG]

Sorry, I didn't provide an update and this thread has come back to the top again! But, yes, it's all out in the open now and has been for the last month. The two of us couldn't be happier. Thank you all for your advice. I had to hear it straight from the horse's mouth, but I think it was certainly made easier for him that I knew in advance. He knows how I know and we've been able to be totally honest and open with each other. It's all been fantastic.

[cindycd]

I 'found' some images of my partner (we've been together for one year) and am now quite confident that he has cross-dressed in the past (and therefore is a cross-dresser). I am open-minded and would like him to share his secret. I've left openings a mile wide but he isn't 'taking the bait'. I don't want to admit that I know... because I shouldn't have looked in the first place. How can I get him to 'open' up to me? I've known for about three weeks now and sort of known for five months so I've had plenty of time to get used to the idea - reading forums and every piece of information available. I'd like to be on this 'journey' with him... perhaps he wants to keep it to himself? Any ideas how I can get him to open up? I've offered him my silk panties to wear ("I'd stretch them") and offered to paint his toenails. I'm left with the feeling that it's me visiting this thing on him rather than me helping to facilitate this part of his personality... which I'm happy to embrace! Thwarted!

I was the same way and never opened up to my old GF and have regreted it ever since. Don't scare him but just tell him it's o.k. and you will love him just the same. Most of us have some sort of gilt complex that was used on us when we were young and do not know how to get past that. Just go ahead and try some thing's on him around halloween when he think's it will be o.k and everybody will think it is funny. Just be sure when you get him home and alone to tell him that this turn's you on and I bet you will see or find out if your wondering's were right.

[Sarah's lover]

it has turned out well for you!

There's a nice make over place I know of in Scotland if you're wanting a break away at any point.

[Empress Lainie]

Sarah GG I am happy for both of you. May you have a long life of going out as two ladies from time to time.

[Charlene Ogden]

I once dated a girl who read me like a book. I don't know how she did it but on our third date she just came out and told me, "I don't mind if you dress like a girl". I would have admitted it right there if only she didn't know my other friends who she might have told.
Don't be afraid to just come and say it. Make sure to say that you'll keep it a secret.
I had another ex girlfriend ( who I'm still friends with) tell me that she thought it was fine that I got myself off wearing women's clothes. This was a long time ago and her remarks were made after I told her that I had gone out in drag on Halloween.
It may take him time to warm up but just keep reassuring him that you're ok with it and that it won't affect your relationship status.
He's just scared and afraid of losing you and being outted.

[cdpam02]

Hello again:

I read Joni T's idea about Halloween. I think that's a GREAT IDEA !

Make the case at the discussion stage that you want him to look as real as possible and help him with his makeup and clothing selection. I predict once you get up the next morning you'll have a good excuse/opportunity to ask how he enjoyed dressing up the night before. You'll know why I say this if he goes along with the idea.

Have fun. Good luck !

Pam