Parents

[Cai]

I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or similar anecdotes, or what, here, but I need to let this out.

I'm supposed to be going to visit my mother again, and I'm supposed to leave tomorrow.

I really don't want to. I can't even begin to explain the depths to which I am not looking forward to this visit.

And it's so strange to me, too. My mother isn't abusive, she's only manipulative to the extent that mothers just are, she's very excited about seeing me...

But I'm going to be wrong. I'm not the professional-looking grown-up woman she wants. She either sees me as the extremely reluctant tank top and jeans, or at best (for me) a major tomboy.

So I've decided that I need to come out to her this trip. I don't know whether I want to do it over the phone before I leave, or when I get there, or later during the week, or what. I know though, that if I let myself wait, it'll never get done. I'm absolutely terrified of coming out to her. I'm frightened to the point of crying right now, and I'm not going to have to deal with any of this until at the earliest tomorrow morning.

I don't know how to pack for this trip. If I come out to her, but then wear girly stuff, I'm sending mixed messages. But if I wear only guy stuff while I'm there, that seems like too much too soon, considering she'll only just have found out. And I could go the tomboy t-shirt and jeans route, but I'm not happy like that, she's not happy when I look like that, and it's not the person I want to present to her when I first come out.

Ramble ramble ramble...I talk when I get upset. I'll go now. I really needed to let all of that out.

[Alan]

I know EXACTLY where you're coming from. My mom is the same way, and before telling her, I was in the same state.

I wish I could say that I've had a great happy ending, but basically she's ignored it entirely. /shrug.

Good luck.

[BadassBabyBrother]

My style of giving advices is very straight forward and I wish you're not gonna get offended by the style... So, I say either come out to her before the trip by phone OR preferably if the trip doesn't put you back financially too much, then in the beginning of the trip face-to-face. And dress up as you want to, not as you think She would want you to.

A) If you come out to her by phone, and things escalate badly, you have a safe haven from the fight. Again, if you come out to her in the beginning of the trip and things turn sour, you can go back to your place and have some time for yourself to come down from the argument, reload your batteries.

B) Dressing. This is about you, after all. The whole coming out is something that you have to do to be more comfortable. If you've always been a tomboy and you've had arguments about the style of dressing, like me and my family have, then it should come as no surprise that you wear masculine clothes. Ofcourse, though it isn't satisfying for neither of you, you could wear that t-shirt and jeans combo as an alternative and a compromise. If you wear frilly-feminine stuff, the whole point of coming out and being able to be yourself with your mother is kind of going wasted.

I hope that was understandable. Anyway, no matter what you decide to do...

[Cai]

Hey, ignoring it entirely would work. I'm in PA, she's in North Carolina - I've managed to complete a good chunk of my social transition without her knowing. Lots of potential for ignoring. At least I could stop lying to her.

[Alan]

Hey, ignoring it entirely would work. I'm in PA, she's in North Carolina - I've managed to complete a good chunk of my social transition without her knowing. Lots of potential for ignoring. At least I could stop lying to her.

Ah, well, you see, I still live with my parents.

[boi_0h]

Good for you either way Cai, I give you props for making the decision to come out to her either way you do it. I wish I could offer some sage advice but, I lack that situation as of yet. As far as dressing goes, I'd say definitely masculine, at the very least, but your true style would be ideal, it might help you drive the point home...especially when she sees that you don't become some horrible monster like a werewolf or something. I don't really know if this is helpful, but either way good luck, and be sure you let us know what you decide and how everything goes.

[Cai]

Deacon: It's not so much about the financials as the fact that it's a 10-hour drive. If I come out, she freaks, and I leave, that's it. There really isn't a cooling-down option, unless I go to my dad's place, and I know from experience if I do that while she's upset, she'll think I'm playing favorites.

Everyone, on the clothes thing: See, I was a tomboy, but I also liked looking decent. I never went in for the "grunge" baggy jeans and giant t-shirt look. Still don't - I'm a nice jeans/khakis and a polo kind of guy. But polos and guy's jeans...there's no happy middle ground there. Either I'm wearing the clothes I want, or I'm not.

And if I come out to mom, I want her to see that I look well-dressed, clean, and professional as a guy. I don't want her to see this butch tomboy thing that's not me at all.

[sandra-leigh]

Sounds like a rough time ahead, getting through it. I hope it goes well for you!

[Abraxas]

I think, that however you decide to come out, you should wear YOUR clothes. The clothes you feel good in. Because if you wear girl clothes, your mom's likely to... not believe you, or just think you're patronizing her or adding extra stress for no reason.

I don't know your mom, of course, so I couldn't even begin to speculate on how she'll react, but she could very well run the gamut of emotions. Denial, ignorance, anger, disappointment... Ultimately, though, you just have to trust that she just loves you and wants you to be happy-- and once she cools off and gets used to the idea, then comes the acceptance.

When I came out to my mom, she didn't believe me. Neither did my brother. My brother still seems to think that I'm going to suddenly turn 40 and realise I was wrong, and not be able to 'change back.' He wants me to be happy, but... he seems to think that it's more important that I'm happy when I'm 40, than now. Go figure.
My mom thought I was trying to emulate Izzard, since I was bonkers obsessed over him at the time. She basically thought I just got the idea in my head and went along with it, deluded myself.
For a long time after I came out, it was just business as usual-- we went on as if I'd never said anything. And then eventually, my mom pretty much came to terms with it. Now all she worries about is my health when I start T-- she's worried it might cause problems. She also says I shouldn't cut off my boobs because they might come in handy some day when I need to manipulate some guy (said tongue-in-cheek, of course, but she's serious about it too).

I know that probably doesn't help you too much. My coming out wasn't especially traumatic but it still hurts when someone you love just doesn't believe you about something you know to be true. But it got better.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

[CaptLex]

I think, that however you decide to come out, you should wear YOUR clothes. The clothes you feel good in.

I agree. I think you should wear what you're comfortable wearing and Mom (or anyone else) will either like it or not, but I believe it's a mistake to dress for anyone else. Just my dos centavos, of course.

As for the right time to come out. Maybe you can tell her ahead of time that there's something you want to talk to her about on this visit and then you can kind of see what the right time would be once you get there based on how things are going. But I think it's a good idea to give her a little warning that there's something you need to tell her.

That kind of helped me when I came out to a group of friends. I had told one of them that I had something I needed to tell the group when I would be seeing them that evening for dinner. When I got there I couldn't figure out how to bring up the subject and decided not to say anything after all, but the one I had mentioned it to put me on the spot by announcing that I had something to say to them all and then I had no choice but to do it.

Once you tell Mom there's something to discuss, part of the job is done - the rest of it is putting it into words and answering questions. Good luck, dude. I know it's been causing some anxiety for you, so I think it's time.

[xTwo_Of_Heartsx]

Good luck, man.

[Alan]

Denial, ignorance, anger, disappointment... Ultimately, though, you just have to trust that she just loves you and wants you to be happy-- and once she cools off and gets used to the idea, then comes the acceptance.

It's kinda depressing that's the five stages of grief which they pull out when someone DIES. I hate it. I'm not DEAD, Ma, I'm just a guy. You didn't lose your daughter, you just gained a son. Or rather, you still have your kid, and he's HAPPY. This is more of a rant than anything, so I'll go and put it in the rant thread.

I know that probably doesn't help you too much. My coming out wasn't especially traumatic but it still hurts when someone you love just doesn't believe you about something you know to be true. But it got better.

Almost no one will say "I knew that already" and the closer they are, the harder it will be to accept/transition. My therapist, who is a simply WONDERFUL woman, naturally accepted it immediately... BUT, she still has problems remembering it's 'Alan'. So if they ARE accepting, but make mistakes like that, esp early on, it's good to remember to be patient, too.

I agree. I think you should wear what you're comfortable wearing and Mom (or anyone else) will either like it or not, but I believe it's a mistake to dress for anyone else. Just my dos centavos, of course.

Dressing for other people is a load of crock and should only be done on the most formal of occasions. Other than that, wear what you will. I can sorta understand the 'I'm rubbing this in her face' thing, but then again, wearing anything but what you're comfortable in is sending mixed messages. Let her see you're comfortable with who you are, and I GUESS it'll go a long way to helping her accept you, too.

Once you tell Mom there's something to discuss, part of the job is done - the rest of it is putting it into words and answering questions. Good luck, dude. I know it's been causing some anxiety for you, so I think it's time.

Barring extreme violent reactions (which, given what you've said, I don't think will occur), the worst part is the pre-telling anxiety. And the knowledge that you're continually hiding this.

Maybe that's just me.... I always did suck at hiding BIG things.

[Cai]

Get a grip get a grip get a grip...

Anybody want to come to NC and tell my mom?




...



Anybody?

Dang.

Thanks for the advice, guys.

[Alan]

Well, I would've, but it's a hell of a drive.

I just thought of something... not sure if it's too late or anything, but...

I find that in person, I don't express myself well, because... well, I don't. I get lost, I get muddled, I get sidetracked, I feel uncomfortable. In writing, I express myself much better, I believe. Perhaps a letter would be best for you too. Idk. (Similar to this perhaps?)

Just a thought.

[Cai]

Yeah, it's too late.

Went about as well as I expected, really. We spent 2 1/2 hours having a 20-minute conversation.

"So you're telling me you want to be a boy?" (x15, though points for creative wording)
"You haven't experienced being a woman yet..." followed by her telling me I should go have sex. As in, she offered to do a Craigslist ad for me.
"Can you want three years?" (NO) "70 years from now, what's 3 years going to mean?" (nothing. right now, it means everything.)

And of course the usual you're too young, it's just a phase.

She keeps bouncing back and forth between telling me to be whoever I am, and telling me this is too much and she can't accept it.

Oh, and to top it all off, I went to run an errand and she WENT THROUGH MY BAGS. She was pissed that I hadn't brought any feminine clothes home with me, I was pissed that she was going through my stuff, it was not a good end to the evening. We capped it all off with her shoving a pile of clothing at me and telling me to wear it when she was around.

I agreed, but she's not happy, because the only promise I made was that while we were both home or out together, I would wear what she wanted. (well, and I ended it with "That's okay, I didn't expect you to accept this. You want to pretend it's not happening, fine.")

ETA: Oh, forgot to mention that she told me to go ahead and change my name - to something gender neutral. Seems like most of the suggestions she gave were, in the end, ways for me to appear gender-queer. If I was gender-queer that would be fantastic. Except, ya know, I'm NOT.
At least that'll make it easier when she comes to visit and everyone is calling me "Cai".

[CaptLex]

Yeah it could have gone better, but at least it's out there now, right? She knows. That part is over. The next step is the accpetance - which may or may not come, but at least it's not a big secret from Mom anymore. Some parents seem to accept it at first and then have doubts later. Some don't seem to accept it, but eventually come around. Some never do. Only time will tell. And time (and patience) may help with acceptance too.

I think you were very brave.

[Alan]

Could've gone better, I'll give you that. Some people come around. Maybe, once everyone's cooled down a bit, having a follow-up talk is called for. Maybe not. /shrug. I'm just spitting out advice here.

In any case, I'm agreeing with Lex. You were very brave to be able to say that to your mom.

Hope things'll get better there.

[Tristan]

It could have gone worst or better, but at least it's out there. Your mom said a lot of the things my mom said to me so I do relate to how you feel. Though my mom remains hung up on the fact I'm only doing it for my boyfriend because he's gay. I'm proud of you for telling her, though, it is no easy feat and nothing leading up to this in your relationship seems it'd made it any easier since your relationship was already strained. I hope she comes to terms with this.

[Cai]

I think we made some progress tonight. She asked again for a couple of years - I again explained that I couldn't.

She says she always wants to be a part of my life, and says she'll come around eventually. I can't ask more than that at this point, really. Although she's continuing to ask me to act and dress female around her. If she never sees me, I don't know how she's ever going to really accept.

[CaptLex]

Sounds like a long, uphill battle . . . I hope I'm wrong.

Wonder how she would feel if you asked her to do something she's not comfortable doing when she's around you. Just to give her an idea of just how difficult that request is?

[Cai]

Yeah, I'm not sure I've managed to clarify how much I dislike doing this for her. How much work it is for me. (How many times I have to stop myself from going into the men's room...)

We did agree that while I'm at school I can dress how I want and go by whatever name I want (I think she may have realised she can't actually stop me) so long as I don't do anything surgical for a while (meaning at least a few years).

I did feel a bit manipulative giving up something that I wasn't going to do anyway in exchange for a strenuous promise from her not to meddle, but it's a small thing in the end. And I will keep that promise.

[Alan]

I'm sorry this is so hard on you

My mom basically just said it's my life to **** up and I'm an adult now, so she has no right to meddle anymore.

I hope things get better for you. again.

[halfman_halfamazing]

really just wanted to say i know how you feel.
my mom and sister are like that