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Thread: $1,000,000 Question

  1. #51
    Texas gal sherri's Avatar
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    I doubt that most of us could stop the urge or desire or whatever you want to call it, but a person can control the compulsion and the action if he or she has a strong enough reason. We can do -- or stop doing -- just about anything if we put our mind and will to it. I mean, people quit all sorts of strong habits all the time. They deal with adversity and live with loss without losing their minds. And I believe there are absolutely some justifiable reasons for walking away from crossdressing for the sake of something more important if there is an inherent and unsolvable conflict.

    But ...

    Judging from the stories I've heard on this Forum and elsewhere, it seems that quitting because another person can't handle it is pretty dicey. Personally, I think it's worth doing to save an otherwise good marriage or relationship, especially if the dressing is a relatively late development in a longterm relationship. But entering into a new relationship with such a secret seems to me to be a surefire recipe for trouble later on.

    That said, I think love is a good enough reason to give up crossdressing if your need for love is stronger than your need to dress. But don't kid yourself, it is a sacrifice that will probably always be there in the background. But it is doable. You nust, however, be honest with yourself in judging just how strong your need for dressing is; if it's too much a part of you, you might be better off trying to find someone who can accept you for who and what you really are. You owe that not only to yourself, but to the other person too. It is wrong to plan on deceiving her with a secret life, and sooner or later she will find out, and hearts will be broken.

  2. #52
    Vegas Domme rickie121x's Avatar
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    Hmmmn...

    I just read this whole thread - I believe that indicates that I, too, am looking for "the answer". In my head I would like to think I have accepted myself - and you know, that may be true 99.44% of the time. But there are those interesting little thoughts that drift through, implying that I can really quit - that I can be "more" normal just like the rest of the guys. (But who really knows about what they really do?)

    I don't like it that I even have to think that I am looking for an answer - for me, it is a waste of what little positive intellectual energy I have.

    I have learned in Al-Anon to "Take what you like and leave the rest." And that phrase would be appropriate to the role of dressing in my life. I really do like it - and you know there are times I go to fast on the freeway, and I like it - and sometimes I have made snotty remarks - and I liked it. Yes we do some things we are not so proud of - but keeping those things in control seems to make them -well OK, even if they are not.

    And so maybe we need to be careful of the negatives of crossdressing - I know that I am: Going to the wrong neighborhood. Challenging any authorities. Staying away from teenagers. Flaunting - in almost any way; remember, most of us are not movie stars....

    The answer is: Who knows? But I have not noticed one single reply that intimates that you can successfully quit. Quitting dressing does not mean that you have left the intellectual inclination behind....

    Rickie
    Last edited by rickie121x; 08-05-2008 at 12:16 PM.
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  3. #53
    Administrator Tamara Croft's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by deborah jane View Post
    Coz it,s screwed my life up once and it,s about to happen again!!
    Doesn't have to happen again, it's a part of your life.
    Quote Originally Posted by deborah jane View Post
    The simple fact is i lost my wife after i confessed to c/ding and i,ve now found someone new.
    She,s the type of woman who won,t accept this and i,m very reluctant to tell her!!
    Stop comparing your last relationship to your new one, not all women are the same... How do you know she won't accept it?
    Quote Originally Posted by deborah jane View Post
    It would be far better for me to give up the fun of being Debs and keep a woman i know i,m going to end up falling in love with...
    We,ve become very close, very quickly and i don,t want to risk losing her!!

    Simple as that!!
    You'll risk losing her if you can't give it up, even if you give it up for a while, 9 out of 10 times CD's can't just stop... If she's the one for you, if she truely loves you, she might just be ok with it...

    Quote Originally Posted by Ashley in Virginia View Post
    Not to Hijack too much....

    Because It is something that I absolutely hate. I hate how unnatural for me this feels. I hate how I can't be comfortable in my own skin. I hate how i have no idea of who I am because I have no frigging idea of why I can't just be the gender I was born as.
    Have you though of seeing a therapist that deals with the transgendered? Ashley, I've known you a long time, you can't keep doing this crap to yourself, you've got to get some kind of help
    Administrator

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  4. #54
    Senior Member Emma England's Avatar
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    Crossdressing is much like coffee - virtually impossible to give up.

    Maybe it is a phase. You just have to live long enough.
    Try checking back in 904 years time.

    The best thing though is to accept who you really are.
    Whenever I have worn a skirt in male mode, there have never been any issues at all.

  5. #55
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    Irrelevant!!

    This is all totally irrelevant now as i got "dumped" by text message earlier...No reason given!!!

  6. #56
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    Debs, I have read this entire thread and everyone who has posted here has given you some valuable advice. I agree with the majority here in that you must tell her before the relationship goes any further. I hope that she accepts it and that the both of you can remain happily together. Good Luck dear one.

  7. #57
    Member Alaceann's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Samantha43 View Post
    I don't think I could ever quit, I know I don't want to.

    There are women who are accepting and even supportive.

    I have found balance in life is important. I feel crossdressing can be a very selfish thing. I try to keep the proper balance so my needs are satisfied, without testing my wife's tolerance.
    Just to let you and everyone know it can happen. My S.O. caught me 2 yrs. ago when she came home early one day while I was washing dishes and didn't hear her come in and I got the usual questions. But now after 19 yrs. togeather we got married on sat. the 2nd. So don't ever give up hope. There are good women out there that can love us.

  8. #58
    Member SatinDoll00's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by deborah jane View Post
    This is all totally irrelevant now as i got "dumped" by text message earlier...No reason given!!!
    Ouch!!

    Have you talked to her since??
    “Truth Hits Everybody"

  9. #59
    Hugging the Kurves! RobertaFermina's Avatar
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    If you find something that gives you what CDing gives you, then you might be able to shift over to that...kinda like CD-Methadone.

    For me, doing the "right" thing, like taking care of my job and family has taken precedence over dressing many times; alot lately. It feeds my life. However, I don't feel I am a TG-Identified CrossDresser.

    If CD is part of your own Transgenderism....well, pay the lady now and spare yourself the cost of future worry and confusion, you are in for the whole ride.

    Roberta
    [COLOR=Red]Open your Heart :

  10. #60
    Hugging the Kurves! RobertaFermina's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Violetgray View Post
    Sounds to me like the cross dressing isn't the problem, it's honesty. There are plenty of relationships to be had by accepting women, but you must let the know at the point when they're your friends, but before the point where you are intimate. It's the timing where things are all going wrong for you.

    Right On Violet!


    One hard thing to give up is ambivalence.

    If I judge myself negatively for being a CD, on personal principle, or accept the negative judgments of others, I may continue to dress in the closet, but behave outside the closet as if I don't.

    The nasty "thin end of the wedge" intrudes when I initiate relationships "outside the closet" without carefully planning when to "open the closet" to my prospective partner.

    Once I accept that I am a CrossDresser, and choose to be responsible for the fact, I will plan responsibly when to share my truth with prospective partners.

    So "Girl-Up!" and accept the sting of broken relationship may happen early and often on your way to a relationship that really works.

    The time to do it is after you realize they are capable of understanding what CrossDressing is, and can hear you with compassion.

    If you never find confidence of their capacity to understand, and then take-or-leave you without bitterness, then certainly the time to risk-all and tell them, or save each other the grief and break it off, is before you make a longterm commitment to each-other.


    Wish it were easier !


    Roberta
    Last edited by RobertaFermina; 08-05-2008 at 03:41 PM.
    [COLOR=Red]Open your Heart :

  11. #61
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    Quote Originally Posted by SatinDoll00 View Post
    Ouch!!

    Have you talked to her since??
    Nope...If she can,t even dump me properly and does it by text i guess she,s not worth bothering about!!

    Strewth, i really believed it could be the real thing too

  12. #62
    Senior Member Ruth's Avatar
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    Debs, it is a part of you. I would love to give you reassurance and encouragement but I agree with everyone here that it is a lifetime thing, and a 'cure' just is not a realistic hope.
    I would love to see you settled down and happy, and who knows, perhaps this lady is more understanding than you know. Remember, you are still completely a man, as well as sometimes a woman.
    Love,
    Ruth
    PS. Sorry, I somehow missed your last posts re the dumping by text!
    Last edited by Ruth; 08-05-2008 at 05:09 PM. Reason: brain fade
    [SIZE="2"]Always be true to yourself because the people who matter don’t mind, and the people who mind don’t matter.[/SIZE]

  13. #63
    Senior Citizen Mary Morgan's Avatar
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    Yes of course. Give in to it, let it become your norm and the term crossdress loses its meaning. Otherwise, I don't think so. I believe you can stop, but you will also stop being the person you are and the price may be very high!

  14. #64
    Silver Member Jordan's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are stuck doing it. I really don't know how we could ever stop the feeling of wearing female clothes is so great.

  15. #65
    Still wishing upon a star Andi's Avatar
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    The constant desire to be female is driving me nuts but I don't ever want the feeling to go away. It's just too exciting when I do get the chance to change roles.
    Hugs, Andi

  16. #66
    Me, Myself & Rachael Rachaelb64's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by deborah jane View Post
    This is all totally irrelevant now as i got "dumped" by text message earlier...No reason given!!!

    Bummer!

    Dumping by text is such a coward's way out

    Sorry she did that to you Debs...........
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Life is to short so enjoy it to the full

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    Today is a good day to Dress!

  17. #67
    Tracy Schapes TSchapes's Avatar
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    I was just reading...

    in "My Husband Betty" about crossdresser choices of mates. She submits from her observation that crossdressers tend to be attracted to women that would not be supportive of crossdressing. This on the surface sounds odd, but what if we are looking for someone subliminally to "straighten us out"?

    This would mean that what we should be doing is coming out to women prior to marriage and making sure they won't make out lives a living "H", "E", double hockey sticks afterwards.

    No we can't stop this and I know it's a frustrating thing to my wife that I can't put a lid on it.

    Love, Tracy
    Everybody's normal until you get to know them. - Tracy Schapes

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  18. #68
    Senior Member Bev06 GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TSchapes View Post
    in "My Husband Betty" about crossdresser choices of mates. She submits from her observation that crossdressers tend to be attracted to women that would not be supportive of crossdressing. This on the surface sounds odd, but what if we are looking for someone subliminally to "straighten us out"?


    Love, Tracy
    How very interesting, I wonder how that conclusion was arrived at Tracy. I have never read the book myself I might just have to get myself a copy.
    Take care
    Bev
    PS Deborah Jane I know you already know this but to be honest any body who dumps someone via a text message really isn't worth bothering with.
    Last edited by Bev06 GG; 08-06-2008 at 08:05 AM. Reason: Added PS

  19. #69
    Silver Member Joanne f's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=TSchapes;1387046]in "My Husband Betty" about crossdresser choices of mates. She submits from her observation that crossdressers tend to be attracted to women that would not be supportive of crossdressing. This on the surface sounds odd, but what if we are looking for someone subliminally to "straighten us out"?

    Sorry but i find that a complete load of rubbish , why are there so many on here that are looking for acceptance and not sorting out , if i wanted sorting out i would do that myself, i think that whoever wrote this book did not do enough research (but then i am quite often wrong )


    joanne

  20. #70
    Angela Russell Angela-Russell's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that you've had a bit of a hard time lately Debs. I have to agree with everyone though, crossdressing never goes away, it's for life. I've tried a couple of times, & tried very hard too when I first got married, but after a while the urge comes back & usually seems to be a bit stronger. Lucky for me that I have a great wife. Fancy her dumping you by text message too, she mustn't have had the courage to tell you to your face. The best thing I can suggest now is a large dose of retail therapy to take your mind off things, & cheer yourself up. Go out & treat yourself to something really nice. Keep your chin up girl.

  21. #71
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    Thanks for all the feedback everyone...
    I guess as i,m stuck with this for life and single again, i may as well carry on enjoying it.
    Also i,m now more inclined towards just taking things slowly on the dating front...
    Who knows???...Maybe theres a woman out there somewhere who,ll like Debs as much as my guy self

    Now that would be a dream come true!!!

  22. #72
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    Hang in there Debs, they say there's some one out there for every one

  23. #73
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    Just wondering Debs (great name btw) was this relationship the reason why you took your pic from the avatar?

    tell me to mind my own business btw

  24. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Deborah_UK View Post
    Just wondering Debs (great name btw) was this relationship the reason why you took your pic from the avatar?

    tell me to mind my own business btw
    Yup...I,m struggling with giving up, so i,m trying not to see my "Debs" pics whenever i come here

    Yeah i like the name too Debs

  25. #75
    Dazed and Confused christid66's Avatar
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    I'm so sorry that you're having such a tough time Debs. I can't promise that there'll be someone out there for you that accepts Debs but really I hope there will be - and you have lots of friends on here that are also there for you too if that's any consolation.
    Hugs,

    Christi

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