I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or similar anecdotes, or what, here, but I need to let this out.
I'm supposed to be going to visit my mother again, and I'm supposed to leave tomorrow.
I really don't want to. I can't even begin to explain the depths to which I am not looking forward to this visit.
And it's so strange to me, too. My mother isn't abusive, she's only manipulative to the extent that mothers just are, she's very excited about seeing me...
But I'm going to be wrong. I'm not the professional-looking grown-up woman she wants. She either sees me as the extremely reluctant tank top and jeans, or at best (for me) a major tomboy.
So I've decided that I need to come out to her this trip. I don't know whether I want to do it over the phone before I leave, or when I get there, or later during the week, or what. I know though, that if I let myself wait, it'll never get done. I'm absolutely terrified of coming out to her. I'm frightened to the point of crying right now, and I'm not going to have to deal with any of this until at the earliest tomorrow morning.
I don't know how to pack for this trip. If I come out to her, but then wear girly stuff, I'm sending mixed messages. But if I wear only guy stuff while I'm there, that seems like too much too soon, considering she'll only just have found out. And I could go the tomboy t-shirt and jeans route, but I'm not happy like that, she's not happy when I look like that, and it's not the person I want to present to her when I first come out.
Ramble ramble ramble...I talk when I get upset. I'll go now. I really needed to let all of that out.
