Had a fight with my bf: who's right?

[tgirlinva]

Hello ladies,

I first don't know if this the correct category to place this thread, but I wanted to get your opinion.

I am a part-time closeted TS who has a supporting bf. I do love him, but I am afraid that we have come to a road block, one that seems so big that we may actually break up because of it.

Out of all the times to have an argument, we had one the night I went out in public for my first time, I was shaking like a leaf. Anyways, we decided to sit on the steps of a building and talk, enjoy the moment sort of speak, we didn't want to go back to the hotel 5 mins. after we left since I feared that it would raise eyebrows. Anyways, I talked to him about a girl that I met, on Craigslist actually, and since we live in the area, she invited me to come by so we could dress together and so she could give me tips on how to become more passable, etc. since she has been doing this a lot longer than I have. Anyways, so far, we have only been chatting online, sending emails back and forth, but she asked me again the other day whether I wanted to meet or not (i have been hesitant all this while b/c of privacy issues) and since i've been more comfortable with her, I said sure. Anyways, I talked about her to my bf and he got VERY VERY upset. He said that he felt used and betrayed that I would do this with someone else, share my intimate moment with someone else when he thought all along that it was a bond, a unique bond that I shared with him, and him only. And I told him that it is, with him, I share a physical and an emotional level and that only with him would I be comfortable to go out in public (like I was at the time) and that nothing could replace that. the ONLY reason I would only contemplate to meet this girl was b/c she knew what I was going through and give me feedback (i.e. makeup tips, etc.) that he would not be able to provide. I emphasized, and re-emphasized that the ONLY reason I would do it is to get support from a girlfriend, a sister like person, NOT for sexual reasons. He, in turn, justified that since we (him and I) met on Craigslist as well, that he can only imagine what would happen between me and this girl. I then took it as him not trusting me and thinking that I would get involved with her sexually, which is not the case.... I also took it as me not being able to have any TS/TG/CD friends with whom I could share the emotional/physical roller coaster of transitioning. He would not see my point and refuses to see it my way. He says that it's okay for me to get support via email or chat, but when I meet with her, it's crossing the line where I use him. I don't get it, how am I using him? The only way I can interpret using him is if I was hanging out with him for some purpose, then breaking up with him the very next moment. He said that "if you want to do it, do it, i don't care!" I love this guy, but my friends says that it shows signs of insecurities and emotional abuse. Whenever I try to work on anything dealing with the relationship, he shuts me out... he refuses to talk and gets visibly upset. I feel like I'm the only who loves him and that he doesn't love me. I don't know what to do... You see girls on TV that love their man so much that they're willing to do whatever it takes, and I thought they were stupid, i used to say "just walk away"... now I guess i'm the stupid one I am afraid I won't be able to find someone so supportive and so genuinely nice... I mean you can't get everything in a relationship, right? am i being too difficult? should I just disregard what i believe in for the sake of my relationship?

[Lora Olivia]

This is really a tough one. I can see him being jealous of you wanting to involve another person in something that at this point is an intimate and personal thing between you two. That being said I can also understand your desire for personal interaction with another of "us". I know that I would never meet another without the approval of my SO, and then at least the first meeting would be in a public setting. Maybe the thing to do would be to talk with both of them and include him in any plans for a meeting. Of course this is just my

[Holly]

Sorry honey... having only heard one side of the story, I won't say who is right or worng. What I DO know is that if this is to be resolved, you will have to sit down and talk to him, not us.

[Violetgray]

I talked about her to my bf and he got VERY VERY upset. He said that he felt used and betrayed that I would do this with someone else, share my intimate moment with someone else when he thought all along that it was a bond, a unique bond that I shared with him, and him only.

What he fails to understand here is that your gender identity is a matter for you and alone. No one should have a say in who you are at your core except for you. You being a woman inside is not something for you both as a couple decide. Sounds to me like he has some control issues. You could be learning skills from a more experienced person that may help you for the rest of your life. If your bf he's not a TS, what could you learn from him? If you were becoming an electrician or a stone mason, how much sense would his complaint make? Of course you're going out to meet someone else from craigslist I can understand his concern, but that's where trust enters into it. I think that having the 3 of you meet somewhere as mentioned earlier is a good idea..

He said that "if you want to do it, do it, i don't care!"

Um, that's a direct contradiction to the "hurt and betrayed" line.

I am afraid I won't be able to find someone so supportive and so genuinely nice... I mean you can't get everything in a relationship, right? am i being too difficult? should I just disregard what i believe in for the sake of my relationship?

Never. Never ever ever. No relationship is so important that you should stop being who you are. And staying in a relationship because you're afraid you won't find someone as understanding is just BEGGING for abuse on some level. As exactly 1/2 of the relationship, you are entitled to happiness as much as he is. There seems an imbalance in terms of who's willing to compromise.

[Sedona]

tgirlinva,

My advice:

1. Don't ask for relationship advice on an online forum filled with non-professionals since we: a. Only have one side of the story. b. Largely don't know what we're talking about.

2. Since you asked, and are admitting to it, I'd be pretty peeved if my SO had set up a meeting with somebody she met off of Craigslist. BIG violation of trust. If you get past this current issue with your boyfriend, and still want a GG to give you makeup advice and whatnot, make sure that he is involved at every step of the way. This will probably mean a mutually trusted GG friend, or a paid professional, like a Salon's makeup artist or personal shopper.

Good luck!

[tgirlinva]

2. Since you asked, and are admitting to it, I'd be pretty peeved if my SO had set up a meeting with somebody she met off of Craigslist. BIG violation of trust.

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see how my making a new friend, be it on the street or on Craigslist, could be a violation of trust. My bf trusts that I will not cheat on him and I am NOT. All I am looking for is a sister/gf figure who knows what I am going through. It's hard to relate when you haven't been on the road yourself. I mean, would I be mad if he made a new friend online? no. would i be mad if he slept with him/her? yes. that's where i draw the line. if i'm not seeing the right picture, pleeez pleez tell me.

[donnalee]

There is a simple answer; bring him along when you meet with your new friend. This sends the message to both of them as to your status. Check with both of them that this is OK, of course.

[ggtracy]

I agree with the other suggestions. take him along to meet her or at least invite him. he may say no and pout a bit if you go ahead without him but it will reassure him that you have nothing to hide.

[Sedona]

Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't see how my making a new friend, be it on the street or on Craigslist, could be a violation of trust. My bf trusts that I will not cheat on him and I am NOT. All I am looking for is a sister/gf figure who knows what I am going through. It's hard to relate when you haven't been on the road yourself. I mean, would I be mad if he made a new friend online? no. would i be mad if he slept with him/her? yes. that's where i draw the line. if i'm not seeing the right picture, pleeez pleez tell me.

The problem is that meeting someone, anyone, on Craigslist.com has unique connotations for most people. Like it or not, that's the way it is. That said, I've internet dated, with some success, but I was there for one purpose, to find a girl I'd want to date, go places with, and yes, have sex with. The fact that you didn't tell your bf about your past craigslist activities trumps everything else, IMO.

But, don't trust us, talk with your bf, and if it's time to move on, cut your losses. Then take the lessons you learn into your next relationship. It's a process, it isn't supposed to be easy.

Best,

[tgirlinva]

Thank you...

[TxKimberly]

There is a simple answer; bring him along when you meet with your new friend. This sends the message to both of them as to your status. Check with both of them that this is OK, of course.

Yup yup, I think Donnalee got it right! If it's just a social thing there is no reason to not invite your BF. The moment you let be known that your BF is not welcome, you start giving off signals that there is more to it than a simple social meeting.
I invite my wife to go with me any time I go out. She has not interest in it and will not go, but at least she knows she is welcome and wanted.

[Sandra]

take him along to meet her or at least invite him. he may say no and pout a bit if you go ahead without him but it will reassure him that you have nothing to hide.

I agree with this give him the chance to go with you and let him see that all that is happening is a couple of people chatting and exchanging advise and suggestions.

I also suggest that you do talk to him more about this. As for who's right I wouldn't say until I'd heard his side .

[KarenCDFL]

Hello,

As a couple, you must always take into account your SO's feelings. As he should for yours.

I think he may have a point. Meeting anyone from on line is a big chance. You have no idea who that person is. And yes he could be jealous. But this would be the same in any type of relationship no matter what the physical gender is.

Also how would you feel if he met another woman on line who he had something in common with and wanted to go hang. I am sure you would be at least concerned.

What you two can do is agree to meet this person together in a safe place. If you all click and become friends then I do not see any reason for you not to associate and get help from this person.

Please be careful! There are a lot of dangerous people in the world.

[Bev06 GG]

Hello ladies,

I am afraid I won't be able to find someone so supportive and so genuinely nice... I mean you can't get everything in a relationship, right? am i being too difficult? should I just disregard what i believe in for the sake of my relationship?

Hi TGirl,
Dead right. And its not a case of disregarding what you believe in, but more a case of maturing and realising that not everything is as cut and dried in relationships as you perhaps first thought. Sounds like you have a very supportive loving partner there. I wouldn't give that up for all the tea in china. There are other ways of getting the support and advise you want about dressing and makeup etc but you would be very hard pushed to get the emotional support that only a partner can provide from anywhere or anyone else. I guess its just evaluation time and asking yourself what is more important to you. Even if this guy does have some deep seated emotional hangups and is a tad insecure, dont you think you owe it to him to reassure him, after all he is standing by you.
This is only my opinion but to be honest what you have with him sounds very special and precious and it would be all too easy not to realise that fact until it was too late.
Take care and hope you work this one out with him
Bev

[Valeria]

I mean you can't get everything in a relationship, right? am i being too difficult? should I just disregard what i believe in for the sake of my relationship?

You should not "disregard what you believe in for the sake your your relationship", but that's kind of black-and-white thinking. Relationships involve negotiation and compromise. There are some legitimate trust and relationship issues raised by your possibly meeting someone IRL that you met on craigslist -- particularly if y'all are going to be "dressing" together (which implies at least partial nudity at times). I favor the plan for inviting the boyfriend. Aside from reassuring him, it's also safer (in case this new online person isn't whom they say they are, or in case they have sexual ambitions you don't expect).

However, the "you're using me" line of logic is somewhat questionable (as you've described it). It sounds like he's upset about your being in girl mode in the presence of other people, not just the prospect of a possibly sexual encounter. He needs to understand what your long-term goals are (which, as someone TS, are presumably to live full-time as a woman). This is not something conducive to keeping as an extra special relationship secret. Eventually, lots of people in your life will have to know (though later still, as you move on with transition and starting a new life, you may find that almost no one other than your mate still needs to know about your past).

Anyway, I think you need to consider his POV more closely with regard to the type of encounter you are proposing, and he needs a better understanding of where you are going long term.

Also how would you feel if he met another woman on line who he had something in common with and wanted to go hang. I am sure you would be at least concerned.

The more exact analogy would be his meeting another *man* with whom he had something in common -- someone much more experienced in that pursuit. She says she's TS, and she clearly likes boys, so she has as much presumption of being straight as he does.

That's assuming that the other girl is TS and has transitioned. If not, I'm not sure why she'd be seeking her advice -- a lot of the "tricks of the trade" used by experienced crossdressers don't translate well to being TS and living full-time as a woman, IMO, though I suppose that if that's what you need to do to get comfortable initially, it's still worthwhile. Anyway, if the other person identifies as male, it's worse (because then she's meeting a strange man).