Bad with titles

[halfman_halfamazing]

Ok!
hello.
Big thing on my mind.
The other day I was having pizza with my Lisa.. lol =D anyway once again i heard the dreaded
how are you "ladies"
i thought aw hell if you're gonna call me a lady don't let it be in front of my girlfriend!
how can they tell?
am i doing something wrong? am i dressing badly?
or maybe they can just tell.
here it is.
if someone looks all man or all woman but you can slightly tell they're trans what are you supposed to call them if you're a waitress or anybody else in the world?
and what am i doing wrong!

[deja true]

Well, I guess they were just tryin' to be polite. So I wouldn't take offense too quickly.

And to tell the truth, many young uns dress so androgenously these days, it'd be really hard to tell in many cases to tell what they'd prefer to be called!

If you really need to be addressed as masculine, then I guess you might have to figure out a way to present (going by your avatar picture) and act a little more overtly masculine than you do now.

If, on the other hand, you prefer an androgenous look, you'll just have to get used to being adressed either way, depending on how the other person perceives you!

It'd be great if, given a confusing presentation, service people could say something like "Good evening, folks!" rather than "ladies" or "gentlemen", but we all know that most folks are stuck in the binary thinking mode. And, given the choice, wait persons usually want to make their greeting a little more personal so as to enhance their chance of getting a better tip.

[Alan]

My tendency is to correct people. When I was still in denial over being trans, I got called 'Mr.', 'sir', 'boy', (depending on when this was @_@), or some variation thereof (or just referred to as 'he'). I would correct them that it's actually 'she'.

Of course, since then, I've realized that ylech, it's NOT she, damnit, and I'll go off and correct people again. Not the same people, naturally.

[CaptLex]

Oh yeah I totally hate that. Alan's right, the thing to do is correct them so they know not to assume anything the next time. You don't have to be rude about it, just correct them as any genetic guy rightly would. But it does burn me that people need correcting in the first place. If they're not sure, best they don't assume and leave out the "ladies" part.

The worst time that happened was when I went to dinner with two female friends and the waiter called us that three times! And I had a full beard at the time. The first time, I let it go 'cause I wasn't sure I heard him right. The second time I stopped him and corrected him and he apologized. And the third time I said something sarcastic and he apologized some more, after which he avoided all eye contact with me. Very frustrating.

[ZenFrost]

I gave up on gender assumptions a long time ago. If I'm not sure of someone's gender, I avoid gender pronouns when referring to that person. It's too bad that most people don't and make assumptions when they're unsure.

[wanttobejoe]

I avoid gender pronouns altogether. Even when I'm sure about someone's gender.

I don't see why good afternoon sir/madam is preferred over just good afternoon anyway.

[Alan]

They think in general it's more polite. /shrug. Gives an air of the customer is valued. What gets me is when people say "Oh, don't you just have the cutest daughter?" What IS it with people assuming that if you're older than, say, 15, and have a young kid with you, that's your child?

Anyway, this doens't belong in this thread, so I won't pursue this train of thought any longer.

[noname]

I believe in your case it's because women are permitted to dress quite manly. It's not uncommon to see a women with a mens haircut or a plaid button up shirt. Even the local grocery store requires women to wear white shirts and ties. I'm going to guess most people just assume your a no frills type of girl.

Really, people are not that thoughtful to think of how you would like to be addressed.

[valenstein]

I think in some cases, it's conditioning. Many people are brought up to say, "yes sir" or "yes ma'am", or in the case of "how are you ladies"?, an effort to be casual quickly. There have been numerous times when I'm out with my gf and the server comes over and just sees my long hair (she hasn't even seen my face) and says, "how are you ladies?"
My gf is very tall and sometimes people will call her sir before they even look at her, they just assume that because she's tall....

It's also interesting I think that it's not uncommon in really informal situations to refer to a small group of people of mixed gender as "you guys". English is a funny language, I'm curious how gender words are misused in other languages/cultures.

I sent a note to someone on the board from my state something to the effect, "nice to see a fellow gal...", when I read it back in print, it made me laugh.