I am so done

[Mollyanne]

Hi Jill, After reading and re-reading all the posts concerning your problem I have come to the conclusion that your SO is trying to force you into a situation of physical abuse and by that I mean striking her so could have you arrested on assault or domestic battery(depending on where you live) I realize you are smarter then that but I also know that everyone has a limit. Reading between the lines I think you are almost there!!! A few of the girls have suggested to see a lawyer and YOU SHOULD just to see where you stand legally. Actually when your SO screams at the child she is committing abuse and you could write all of this down should you ever need documentation. I feel for what you are going through and no one should have to be subjected to any kind of threat(s), demeaning accusations or any other negative harassment.

Mollyanne

[~Seana~]

Jay here's some advice from someone who's been there/done that right down to the verbal humiliation and abuse.

First: get some money together for a place for you AND YOUR CHILD I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILD THERE OR SHE WILL GET DEFACTO CUSTODY. If that means not paying the house bills for a month or so first, do it.

Do Not confront her. Do not let her know you are leaving. Instead take care of practical things, like daycare arranging daycare for your child when you leave, setting up an apartment with basic furnishings ( If you arent taking it with you and have to get it, buy at goodwill and store at a friends or rent a storage she doesnt know about until the day you leave...basics like beds and pots to cook in. You can fill around.

As a spouse you have 50 % co-custody. No police officer is going to take your child from you if you have the basics to provide without a court order. If you leave your child with her though she gets defacto custody, you will likely end up paying support, and in order to change the situation will have to prove in court that changing custody is in the childs best interests. This is not always easy to do, I'm currently going through it ( I've case conference on wed)

As a prior step...go to legal aid if you qualify or stash money for a lawyer if you dont. Remember your responsibility to the bills of the household she lives in stops the moment you have decided to leave.

Be prepared to have all credit cards or accounts in your name closed the day before you go. Already have a residence established at that point. Close out or disconnect any utilities in your name the day you plan to leave.

Dont pack anything until the last possible minute . Consider that it's done and live like that from this moment on but to all outward appearances appear to be carrying on and trying to make it work.
I've been through it . I had friends commenting for years, not knowing how much of my Ex's and my relationship was BDSM related and how much was just abuse, though certain that both existed. I'm betting she has jealousy issues, and women are quick to pick up clues, so get done what you have to on a cell phone and dont disappear for too long period of time or she'll think you're having an affair.

Just get it done. I've seen clues in your posts for some time. You're doing the right thing. Life will go on ( 2 years later I'm remarried to a wonderful girl/guy Tobie/Tierganshaw from this board). You know what you have to do, now is the time to do it. Be heartless. And if you need a friend, feel free to message. It's not an easy thing but you will likely look back in a year from now, and say it's is posatively the best thing you ever did.

Huge hugs.

Amanda

[AKAMichelle]

I know what you are talking about. I have been in my marriage for almost 25 years. I never realized until recently how depressed I was around her. I was horribly unhappy and now things are beginning to move forward. I understand how bothering you at work causing everything to suffer. That was one of the main reasons for doing what I did about the divorce. She would stress me out so much that I couldn't relax anywhere with her around. I could work much either.

Hope everything evens out for you soon. Good luck.

[`Kayla`]

Well I feel for you. Cause I know exactly how you probably feel because your situation sounds just like mine. Thinking about what you said about how "Jill" was invented makes me wonder where Kayla came from...maybe the same reasons?

Seems like I am not alone with my problems either, good to know I'm not the only one but terrible that someone else is going through it too. And my wife doesn't even know I actually CD she just knows I've done it one time.

[Natalia]

If at all possible, try to get some of her screaming and innapropriate behaviour on video...hook up a web cam on the living room computer and eat your hard drive every day.

When it comes time for custody it will be invaluable. Usually divorce cases are "he said she said" - if you can demonstrate this stuff you will have a (very very shapely ) leg up.

[tracigirl_tv]

Dear one,

I'm just catching up to this thread, Jill. Some parts of it made me wonder if I were actually reading something I had written a few years back.

There DOES come a point when self-preservation dictates that drastic action be taken. That point came for me in 2002. We have a precious daughter whom I've seen a lot less than I used to when I was living at home. That has been in almost-unbearably steep price to pay. And yet in my heart of hearts, I know it was inevitable.

Life is different now, sometimes bittersweet. But Traci has been blessed to find a supportive, encouraging GG. (I just called her on the phone and asked her to record Oprah, whose show has a transgendered theme today--Lord, I sure can't imagine myself making THAT call to my ex-wife *smile*)

To state the obvious: everyone's situation is different, and you deserve to be happy, whatever that means for you.

I'm glad you feel better for having posted here. Just in case you lost my number, I'm sending you a pvt note in a second....use it any time.

Love,

Traci

[SouthernLady]

Hi Jill, After reading and re-reading all the posts concerning your problem I have come to the conclusion that your SO is trying to force you into a situation of physical abuse and by that I mean striking her so could have you arrested on assault or domestic battery(depending on where you live) I realize you are smarter then that but I also know that everyone has a limit. Reading between the lines I think you are almost there!!! A few of the girls have suggested to see a lawyer and YOU SHOULD just to see where you stand legally. Actually when your SO screams at the child she is committing abuse and you could write all of this down should you ever need documentation. I feel for what you are going through and no one should have to be subjected to any kind of threat(s), demeaning accusations or any other negative harassment.

Mollyanne

I agree with Molly. I feel you pain too. I went through a very similiar situation. I was married for years ..most of it was a nightmare. I went through the destroyed clothing routine...the redicule, the humilation, the fights, and then a nasty divorce. I had a great attorney who take care of me and I got through it. I remarried a few years later to a beautiful and spirited lady who accepts and even encourages my crossdressing. She loves having a girlfriend to talk to, shop with (she and I are shopping nuts). She helps me to pick out what will work for me and I tell her honestly what doesn't work for her but she gets mad when I wear her clothes but thinks she can wear mine whenever!! lol I get even when I use all her nail polish!!


If safety and security for you and your daughter is reached by going through a divorce...then don't hesitate and Document, Document, Document. Like Molly said, don't let her know your intent. One day you're there, the next you're not. Coordinate it with your attorney to have her served that same day and any utilities that are in your name, have them disconnected. Nothing like coming home to discover everything has been turned off and don't forget, half of everything in your home is yours too!! Have everything ready and take your daughter with you. Move completely out of the area but stay within the same school district if your attorney advises you to... You will have temporary custody and you can designate who is allowed to pick up your daughter. If you don't, getting custody will be difficult at best. If you can document her losing control to the court your battle is much easier. You will have to show the court that your daughter will be much better off with you than with a crazed and bitter mother with a terrible disposition and temper. All I can say is good luck.

[Cathytg]

Like so many of the other replies, I have been down the same road. It felt very good to be free of it all. We were married for thirty years and happy for only two. At least you know she insults you; I had to be told that by friends after our divorce.

Sounds like time to bail although there are some reasonable calls for thoughtfulness. But if it is over, then walk away.You will be amazed at how much better you feel.

[Paige.]

Dear Jill,
I'm not about to offer you advice of any kind because I'm not in your shoes and I'm not qualified. But your post has painted a picture of life with your SO that is palpable with destructive pain and it is disturbing.

Several years ago a friend gave me the following at a time I needed to hear the words. I offer it to you with love and compassion. I'll repeat what I said to you some time ago: "Don't let the wind in your sails depend on someone else's breath."

COMES THE DAWN

After a while you learn the
subtle difference
Between holding a hand and
chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't
mean leaning
And company doesn't mean
security,
And you begin to learn that
kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your
defeats
With your head up and your eyes
open
With the grace of a woman, not
the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your
roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too
uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling
down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you
get too much.
So plant your own garden and
decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can
endure...
That you really are strong.
And you really do have worth.
And you learn and learn...
With every goodbye you learn.

[Tammietoo]

No advice, just wanted to give you a hug tell you I hope it gets better for you. Good luck hon, whatever happens.

[patti]

Hi Jay!

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Women can at timnes be so Cruel! It is a shame that men can not easily enjoy are Femininity.

Rest assure that we are here for you...and will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Dressing in Feminine clothing hurts no one. You have done nothing wrong!

Take Care,

Patti

[docrobbysherry]

The gang here has given u much advice. Coming from their experience and their hearts.
However, none of us is living YOUR experience. And most of us r NOT qualified to give u mental or legal advice! And neither am I.

On legal advice: U need a good attorney NOW! An experienced one can help u with advice about custody of your children also. If u can't afford one, call Legal Aid. Or call your County Family Care Agencies for possible free help. Make sure u get someone with lots of EXPERIENCE! Ask for his/her advice and take it.

On therapy: I kept going to see mine, for nearly a year after I separated from my ex. She is STILL going, 8 years later! It gave me some perspective on my situation when we separated, and again after we began our divorce. Therapy helped me see how much of what happened WASN'T MY FAULT. And helped me get past the divorce, and on with my life.
I recommend u get the same help. Once again, County Family Agencies may have therapists available at no cost to u. If you qualify. It will only take a few minutes of your time to find out.

Get help for yourself first, then, help for your children. U have to be thinking clearly, to help them properly!
Jay, don't just get angry, get moving toward a better life, for u and your kid(s)! Please get professional help now!

[suzanne]

Your situation can't get any uglier. As bad as it is for you, your child is learning from her mother and another cycle of abusive relationships will take place if she is not removed and shown a better way. For your child's sake more than yours, you must get out AND retain custody. Not easy for a CD in this era; your wife will portray you as the worst kind of pervert if she can. You need to document, using tape or video, some of her episodes so you can demonstrate who is the most suitable parent.

Please act fast. This is the fight of your life and that of your child. You will always find love and support in this site. Godspeed

[paulaluvssz8]

First of all let me say thank you for your service to our country. And then let me add that staying for the child is a noble stance for you to take. Over the years we have all put up with .... for the kids sake. Now it isn't so much about one persons happiness when there are more than one involved. So the good point of staying is that your daughter will see the commitment that you made a the marriage is real to you. And the bad is that she will think that the fighting and screaming is what moms and dads are suppost to do. Now if you stay without tearing down your spouse explain to her that conflict isn't suppost to be handled this way. And that there are problems which mom and dad are working on. And try to convey this to your spouse so that your daughter won't fall into the same pattern when she grows up. Sometimes we are a product of our surroundings. Stay steady and try to find happiness for all.

[yms]

In the novel "The Accidental Tourist," by Anne Tyler, the husband, Macon, says to his wife after a separation and attempt at reconciliation, "Sometimes it's not a matter of love but who you are when you're with someone."

I'll never forget that.

[Bootsiegalore]

I am sorry to hear about this behavior of recent..... When this happened with my SO, I discovered she was cheating.... I received all the really bad behavior along with the outbursts and the BF got the good (naughty) girl. Luckilly it ended when he started stalking her and beating her at work. I found it by checking the cell phone records, after that I caught her on the phone.

Things are much better now and we are best friends again.

I hope you can work it out.....

I just offered my experience which may not be your predicament.

Tara

[JamieDP]

J

From my personal experience the insults and belittleling stopped a few months after I moved out. That was when I realized I was done. For me personally I asked God for a sign if there was something ooutside of my last marriage be it career, personal goals, another person even but to please show me a sign even though I already knew in my heart that I loved and cared for this person but I was no lomger emotionally there. My lack of emotion and the insults that my son was subject too, made me think if I at leat remove that factor we all can begin to heal. Divorce can be even more traumatic to a child, but i grew up in a house of 18 years of arguing, bickering....my son and i have a stronger bond now that i don't have my ex interfering and insulting me all the time making me feel small. Is that the example you want your child to see. I am not saying anything, but to look at your childs welfare for the long term. Will actions now judt be better for her in the long term constantly seeing her father berated or her parents in constant conflict. Will it benefit her to see you resolve the conflict and how you do and how you rise above it to be stronger person even if that includes counceling as opposed to separationg. My experience is just one, but my family, my son, my ex are all much better at getting along now that his parents faced some truths. My path may not be yours, but I just beg of you to consider how you would want her to spend her next however many years and how she'll handle relationships as she gets older.

Just my opinion.

[Raquel June]

I've heard enough that I think there's a definite relation between crossdressing and nice unassertive guys stuck in relationships with psychotic women.

I go out to clubs a lot. I'm friends with a lot of CD/TV/TS people. Only a few of them can get out as often as I can, and they frequently have some things they want to talk about. I don't really ask people about their past, or their motivation, or their sexual orientation, but many many people have approached me wanting to talk about these issues in their personal life. I've never been to a support group (although I have been in therapy). I'm single, and I don't feel uncomfortable with my crossdressing and I don't think I need therapy or support. So I'm not really trying to diagnose anything here, but I've seen some definite patterns.

A lot of women have personal issues that they need to get therapy for, whether it's overt abuse, an alcoholic parent, or just an unavailable or abandoning father, and they can't handle a man being nice to them. They end up being attracted to guys who are themselves abusive or unavailable. They love the bad boys, but those relationships never work out. Often they find a really nice guy who loves them, and they know it's a good relationship, but then the guy just doesn't do it for them. They start resenting everything nice about the guy. They start doing more and more to sabotage the relationship. After awhile, no amount of counseling will help. The woman loathes the man. Inside she's begging him to stand up to her, beat the crap out of her, or leave her, and she simply has zero respect for him.

I've seen a lot of guys find an escape from that scenario in crossdressing, but that just reinforces the woman's idea that you're not a real man because you won't treat her like the a-hole she wants you to be.

I know for sure that if I leave, she'll out me to my friends and family. However, I am begining to care less and less about that fact.

But at this point you have to leave. It looks like your life is seriously sucking. You can't let her have that kind of power over you.

Some really good (and conservative) friends of mine found out last week what I like to do on the weekend. They think I totally cracked after a bad breakup I had a few years ago, and maybe they're right. But it wasn't bad. They don't really care other than some concern for my sanity, and if they didn't want to be my friends because of that, then I wouldn't want to be their friends, either.

If you look around, tons of people will back up the sentiment that they were actually pretty happy when their friends found out because they realized they were real friends, and even the people who've had bad experiences with others finding out usually still feel like a lot of weight is off their shoulders.

In your case, you just have to accept that the marriage isn't going to work out, and if she's going to tell people then she's going to tell people, but you can't let her treat you like that.

Seriously, please look into recording some of these tirades of hers. That will really help you out. The divorce will be much less drawn out and painful if you have some dirt on her that makes her want to play nice. If you get a decent lawyer, you should also have little trouble getting custody of your daughter. Then it wouldn't matter what she told people. When a woman loses custody of her child in a divorce, everybody knows she's a total psycho no matter what her excuse is. You could just tell people she was a liar and you only dressed up once or twice for Halloween.

It's almost as if she's trying to make me think I am nuts. Please keep in mind that this was happining long before I got in to CDing.

So, she has tons of total meltdowns, she constantly belittles you, and this was all going on before you started CDing. I'm telling ya, just record her going crazy a few times. If it's usually when she calls you on your cell, you can get a recorder that plugs into the 2.5mm jack on your phone. If it's usually on a landline, you can get an inline recorder. If it's usually in an open room, you can get voice recorders the size of an ipod that can record 500+ hours.

I'm just saying, obviously you should get divorced, but it'd be nice to prove that she's also a totally unfit mother. You don't want a bunch of your-word-against-hers stuff where all you can say is that "she's insane and a psycho b*tch," which everybody says in a divorce, when she can say, "he's a pervert who likes to prance around in my clothes."

If there's one thing you need to take from me and others, these kinds of relationships can go on for a long time. I was in a relationship for 12 years, and 10 of it was bad. Others have relationships as bad as yours that go on almost indefinitely. You need to make up your mind not to put up with it anymore.

[Angie G]

You are Jillian. She has the problem I'm sorry you have to deal with it huh If you wish you can PM me I'm here eery day hun.
Angie