outed

[Carin]

In general I have been careful not to do much shopping in local stores. You never know which of my kids friends work there. Apparently not careful enough. My wife has a close friend, our kids played football together in school. That close friend reported this weekend that her son was told by another ex classmate (all graduated a couple of years ago) that now works at Mervyn's that he saw me trying on girls jeans and boots. That observation must have been many months ago because I have not been to Mervyn's recently. It may have been one on the other side of town. San Jose is big, 850,000 people, but you can never really rely on being lost in the crowd. It is possibly coming to light now because the word of our separation is spreading. The friend's son asked his mother (who knows) about it and got the 'transgender' story. I hope she did it some kind of justice. Of course his first question was if I was gay.

I am not too stressed out about this. I know I need to live a more gender-fluid lifestyle to survive, and I believe in myself enough to know that for this to be acceptable I can not hide under a rock. Nor do I want my kids to feel ridiculed or to feel like I am being ridiculed. I have talked to the ones still living at home, for them to be aware that their friends may hear and may bring it up, to acknowledge that those friends will be curious and not know the right words. It is natural for my kids to be defensive, and it is one more parenting task to help them understand how to deal with other people's misconceptions.

My kids have known about my transgenderedness for a year or two and are understanding and supportive. On the one hand, I would prefer that they didn't have to deal with 'my' stuff amongst their friends and acquaintances. I wouldn't force that issue on them. On the other hand, transgender does affect their immediate lives. It is real, not just an adult toy that is kept in the bedroom. That is my realization, that it is a 'fact of life' as much as the color of their skin (I have a multi-racial family). So far they seem to be dealing well with it being 'out there'. I have to assume now that it will be common knowledge within a month or two. Honestly, I think they will feel better about not having to worry about who knows or doesn't know. I hope that today's you adults have mostly gotten past the stage of ridicule. Curiosity is fine.

We are well known it the community. Clearly we are at a new phase of this process and I admit I am a bit nervous about it, mostly for my kids.

Wondering is others who are out there have had reactions from friends of their children that they care to share.

[Tina B.]

Carin, at least your kids already know, that will make it easier. You would think you could get lost in a place the size of San Jose, wouldn't you. I can relate to your feelings, I live in a small town, and stay in the closet because of my kids, and wife, all have high profile jobs, working with the public. And I am not out to my kids. Hope your kids don't get to much grive from this, as you know how jugmental some young men can be. But even so if your kids just blow it off, I am sure it will pass quickly, after all everyone has weired parents right!
Tina B.

[Kayla Shadows]

Sorry Carin.I dont have kids,but I know that it is something of concern when it comes to them having to deal with issues.Educating them on how to handle this,which you mentioned,is deffnately important.Some people dont have a understanding or are just negative about it.Life throws us a lot of tests and this is another one.

[TxKimberly]

As far as I know, none of my son's friends know about me (my son does).
My daughter is far too young for this to be a concern yet.
A couple of people in my wife's family have let it be known that they are aware of it and so far none have reacted poorly.
As always, I wish you the best!

[MJ]

please don't let it get to you. the people you care about know and accept you in the long run thats what's important i wish you all the best

[Cathytg]

I can understand why you would really rather this whole thing had not come up. Still, it is here and you have to deal with it. try to be positive and solid in your own identity. I guess a way to deal with it is to tell people that you are the same person they knew last week. You are, you know.

No, I can't say that I have had the same thing happen although it very nearly did an hour ago. Life is uncertain!

[Jocelyn Renee]

I live in a small university town (20K residents in the summer/45K during school) and we are fairly well-known business owners. Once I decided to start venturing outside the home I knew it was important that I share this aspect of my life with my children.

For all of their friends the news was a non-event. Actually a number of my daughter's friends have gone shopping with me en femme and bought me feminine gifts. Several of my son's friends come over to the house when I am en femme and and we play video games together. They even began referring to me by the correct name without being asked.

Of course there have been some negative reactions and attempts at teasing by those outside their circle of friends. My children approach these situations with an aloof "what's the problem" attitude and they have the backing of their friends, so it has not become a big problem for them. Still, they have both confessed to being nervous at times about people's reactions. Thankfully, the most important people to them have been positive, or at least indifferent.

I think the positive outcome we have experienced can be explained primarily by two factors. First, I have always been quite involved in my children's lives. At age 46 I'm still a kid at heart. I much prefer an afternoon of inline skating, street hockey, basketball, or going to the mall with my children and their friends to spending time with people my own age. I'd venture to say I'm viewed as more of a peer than a weird father in a dress.

Second, we have always taught our children to defend the truth with all their heart and soul. They understand that while some people may be uncomfortable with the truth, being angry at the truth is a fault they are not willing to accept. It's difficult to tease or victimize those who feel no shame.

[Jenna Lynne]

Statistically unlikely ... but statistics don't apply to individuals!

I don't have any kids of my own, so that part doesn't apply directly to me.

Those who believe that some entity called God is directing their lives may take comfort in the idea that "it was supposed to happen." That may work for you, but it doesn't work for me. So I sometimes need to ask myself two questions:

First, am I comfortable with any of the possible outcomes? (That doesn't mean I don't have preferences! It just means, can I live with it?)

Second, am I being prudent or reckless?

Sounds as if you were being prudent. It also sounds as if you're prepared to deal with the outcome.

***Jenna Lynne***

[kittypw GG]

Carin,
I think it is good to prepare your children for the comments. If they are prepared then they will have more confidence and it will not bother them as much and it will blow the wind out of the sails of the persons casting dispersions.

Perhaps go over some senarios and possible come backs, role play. This will also help you get a feel for how your children really feel, always a good thing to be in touch with. It also helps them feel that you are open to even negative comments or feelings that they may have or need to discuss with you that they have been keeping inside for fear of hurting your feelings. Keep the communication as open as possible and by all means keep the love flowing.

Being a parent is so challanging isn't it but so worth the effort. You seem to be doing a very good job. At least you are including them in your life and considering their feelings. Children have a great capacity for love.

Kitty