A Question About My Friend

[Valerie Nicole]

Okay, now that I think about it, it's really two questions. He's a guy friend that I've known since fifth grade. I'm not sure that we're what you call "close." We hang out. We drink. We play video games and make each other laugh. We act like idiots. We talk about relationships and stuff, too. But I still don't consider this close. Unless something major happened, I don't think I could ever cry in front of him or vice versa.

Okay, there's a bit of sketchy detail. Now, onto the questions. Since I count him as one of my best friends, I do have the desire to share this part of my life (the crossdressing) with him. However, my experience (from highschool--several years ago--mind you) is that he's not very good with secrets. There's a chance he already knows, as he's friends with my ex-girlfriend who knew. I want to tell him, but every time I get close, I back out for reasons I don't fully understand.

The other question is a bit more complicated. I'm worried that I won't be able to put words to it very well, and that I might inadvertently offend somebody. Not to stereotype, but he has the characteristics of someone who might be gay or transvestite. I have good reason to believe he's not gay, but he's skinny, and his manner of moving and gesturing is very effeminate. I guess what I'm beating around the bush saying is that he looks and dresses like someone who might be gay or somehow femme (and I'm aware that homosexuality and femininity are far removed from one another psychologically, but not necessarily in appearance).

This is not my entire reason for suspecting. However, I want to respect his privacy, and so I will not detail my other reason. And without it, I guess it's impossible to make a detailed analysis. Anyway...I kind of went off on a rant. I just want to tell him, but I'm scared that he might be the one wrong person to tell. He could also be a right person to tell, especially if he is like me, or something. Anyone have any advice?

[DemonicDaughter]

You are right that being feminine and being gay are two totally different things and one does not equate the other.

That said...

Its that very idea that hinted at Kayla (DD's Girl), my SO, being a CDer. Having been around this before meeting her, I had an idea of what I saw as "feminine attributes" in what was a very masculine looking male. There was "just something about" him. But I was PETRIFIED to ask as so many instantly get offended that you are saying something they are not, or that you are implying something.

My advice? Talk about it in a very relaxed conversation first. That's basically what I did. I mentioned to her a conversation I had with a few friends regarding MtF and next thing you know... BOOM! Kayla stood before me (though she didn't know her name was Kayla at the time). As long as you make sure that you express you are okay with the idea, that you don't have any issues with someone's personal choices, it usually leaves the other person more willing to be honest. How they react might give you a better understanding of where they are are with it all.

Best of luck!

[celeste26]

Well it seems the question you need to answer is just how much "out" your willing to be with everyone, your statements about his not keeping secrets is the clue.

I would not bank and his being "gay" though just because his unconscious actions might seem that way is not a real indicator of anything. Even if he happens to be gay, that is not necessarily an indication that he will keep your secret, even if he can keep his.

I'm all for openness in relationships but I realize not everyone is able to keep their sanity and still be completely open, there must be some balance that you can establish for that and only you can choose where that is.

[susan fuller]

I believe that if in doubt wait till you are sure. Talk to him in a non commital way about the subject and see his reaction. If you share this with him be prepared for the worse and hope for the best. If he turns out to be a real friend you will be ok. You might also talk to him about a person being gay and that you think a person has a right to choose his own way of life without people judging him. This might break the ice on both subjects and you will have an idea which way to go.

[Glenda]

I really doubt that he is gay. I cannot imagine him not being out in this day and age if he was. It is so accepted. It seems like you would know if you hang out with him all the time. You two talk about relationships........yours or someone else's? Or are you too young to have been in a relationship? But, that isn't really the question. You are not trying to out him. You want to share something about you with him. I say out with it. You don't have to tell him its something you do all of the time. Just say, "Hey, have you ever......? I did and, you know, I kinda liked it!" It can be pretty innocuous at the time. If he opens up about it, then you can expand the conversation.

[DemonicDaughter]

I really doubt that he is gay. I cannot imagine him not being out in this day and age if he was. It is so accepted.

There's a lot of reasons why individuals of non-heterosexuality remain quiet about it, even in today's society. Unfortunately, its not so accepted. There are still far too many hate crimes being committed for it to be considered accepted. There's still too much job discrimination, too few laws to consider anything equal and just too much stereotyping to allow anyone the freedom of just being themselves without fear of various repercussions.

Albeit, its far easier today to be out than it was even ten years ago, but that is a far FAR cry from being accepted.

[Sarah Doepner]

Think about what you want, because if you are looking for someone to dress with, you should be able to find a lot of folks within a resonable distance who share crossdressing and would be able to go out. If you want to share this part of your life with someone you already know, go ahead carefully with your friend.
I have friends of over 30 years that I would love to share this part of my life with and have not. Why? Because our relationships are so solid and comfortable that I don't want to mess with something this successful. Am I afraid they won't accept me afterward? Not at all. I think they would find it interesting and accept me totally, but it would add a new component to our lives and I don't think it would improve our overall world.
Until I change my mind I'll keep my CD friends and my non-CD friends in different parts of the world.
If you want to share this with your friend, I would wait beyond just words and look for actions that show he would defend you if you shared this with him.
In either case, good luck and enjoy.

[TGMarla]

If in doubt, don't do it. You stand to gain very little, and risk much.

[PortiaHoney]

Wouldn't it be funny if you both were thinking the same thing?????????

[Glenda]

You're right Demonic Daughter, I'll concede that there are many reasons one may choose not to reveal that they are gay. We do live in a judgemental and often non-forgiving society. I apologize. I was actually more worried about my comment about her perhaps being too young to have been in a relationship. I didn't mean that negatively either. I'll apologize for that one in advance.

[Valerie Nicole]

To Glenda: My friend and I are both twenty, going on twenty one. He has been in a serious relationship since late high school, and I talk to him about all of my dating woes (not something I share with just anybody).

To Everybody Else: You're right, these are two separate questions. I have to make my decision independent of whether or not he is like me. I haven't made up my mind yet, but I know I've wanted to tell him for a long time. I guess I'll just keep waiting it out, find out what feels right.

[docrobbysherry]

To Everybody Else: You're right, these are two separate questions. I have to make my decision independent of whether or not he is like me. I haven't made up my mind yet, but I know I've wanted to tell him for a long time. I guess I'll just keep waiting it out, find out what feels right.

In my experience, the best way to have a deep conversation about a touch subject is, to ask penetrating questions, then, shut up and listen!

Since u r close friends, it would seem easy for u to talk with him some time when u r hanging together, just relaxing.
Ask questions like, " Did u ever think what it would feel like to be gay?"
Or, " Have u ever imagined what it must feel like to be a woman?"

And then, just let him talk! U mite get your answers, without opening yourself up!

[deja true]

I am 100% with Sarah Charles on this one. I have several good friends that I know, absolutely know,that would be okay with this, but I just don't want to clutter up their lives with something that will benefit them not. They each have more of a life than I do, what with kids and wives and stressful jobs. Eventually I'll come out to them,but only when I feel really comfortable doing so.

And like Portia, I often wonder if they'e thinking the same thing!

And as far as loose lips? That's why I won't share it with my on-again-off-again gf. She'd be cool with it, I'm sure. But she tends to get a little indiscreet and chatty after a couple of glasses of Pinot Grigio. So-o-o-o, she's out of the loop, too. No matter really, we're just friends anyway.

For now, I'm gonna do the compartmental man thing and keep my dressing friends and my old "normal" friends in different worlds. It's not all that difficult for me really, as I'm pretty much the same strange, anti-macho, but self-confident person in both modes.

[PamelaTX]

Personally, I wouldn't force the issue either way. I have a number of friends with "private issues" that we never discuss. It's just more comfortable not to do so. Those aspects of our lives that we do share are not diminished by those that we don't. If something comes up ... well, we'll deal with it at that time.

[Rachel Morley]

I understand that you might have burning desire to tell your friend because you trust them and you want to honest and open with them about yourself.

However, I caution you about "spilling the beans" on all of this. I have two very distinct memories about telling friends.

1) Was me wanting so badly to tell a really close GG friend about my crossdressing when I was single about 10 years ago. I told her totally believing she would be ok with it because she used to kind of laugh and joke about the fact that spending time with me was like being with one of her "girlfriends". However, when I told her she was very shocked and suggested I needed therapy. Our friendship was never the same afterward.

2) Was my wife of today, Marla, had a really close GG friend at work and she wanted to tell her about about how she is married to a crossdresser and that she thinks it's fun. Then one day, the two of them were sharing stories about "dates from hell" and my wife's GG friend shared with Marla that she one time had a date with a guy who was a crossdresser and apparently she thought it was gross and just too weird, Needless to say, that stopped my wife in her tracks and now she tells me she is so glad that she didn't tell her friend about me/us. Btw ... guess what? .. yep, they are no longer friends, as this divulgence of not liking CDers showed my wife a different side of her GG friend that she hadn't seen before and ultimately changed the relationship. Now they are just casual acquaintances.

My point is, no matter how well you think you know another person and how they might react to something that you share with them ..... you could be wrong. So wrong that it impacts to the worse your current relationship with them. Like I said ... caution required!