How did you learn to accept yourself?

[Christine Andrews]

Hi all;

I don't normally post too often because I 'don't want to ask what's been asked a thousand times and I'm limited in what I can normally contribute other than opinion but I could do with some input.

How do you learn to accept the femme side of yourself? To truly accept it? This is something which I am struggling with. Everytime I come close truly accepting myself - albeit keeping it in the closet - I am overcome by a mix of fear and guilt - and this fear and guilt strips away the positivity that coming close to acceptance brings. For a little a while I beleive I have accepted it and feel positive but after a day or two, I start to feel that mix of guilt and fear and I end up back where I started, which is wanting to but feeling unable to comfortably accept this side of me. This is frustrating as much as anything because when I feel like I have accepted it - it feels like a weight has been lifted, the guilt is gone for a time and I feel much more positive, optimistic, happy in myself and confident - much more like myself before the rain clouds of guilt and fear set in.

I can't decide whether there is a factor I am missing or if I know the reason and I am afraid to acknowledge it. There is more but I don't want to just dump everything without internalising it more. It is something that is always on the back of my mind and I know that it has had a negative effect on my sense of humour and has changed my perception of the world around me in a somewhat negative manner - which is in contrast to who I know I am.

I mean some of it may be that I know I will always stand out as being male/born male and as a result I am afraid to express myself for the risk of bullying, discrimination and the effect it would have on the few relatives I truly care about, that I am not good enough or strong enough - perhaps I am doing what I usually do and reading too much into it and that's what holds me back.

Does anyone have any similar experiences or advice on how to accept one's self for more than a day or two?

Thanks!
Kirsty

[MJ]

it takes time to accept yourself I'm talking years it helps to be out in the real world i have found that the more i am out there the more i accept myself .
if you only dress like once a month for a few hours you may never get to accept yourself like i said it just takes time

risk of bullying, discrimination and the effect it would have on the few relatives I truly care about, that I am not good enough or strong enough

if your relatives truly love you it does not matter the risk of bullying is so remote it's like getting hit by thunder and lighting {can't spell }

[Nicole Erin]

I too struggle somewhat with it. Kind of hard not to after hearing our whole lives how wrong it is...

Anyways, bullying or rude comments is just an occupational hazard of doing this. We can keep it to a minimum by not subjecting ourselves to danger like dark alleys...

But how to accept onesself? After a while, you get tired of living by other peoples' rules. Like me, I am sure I probably look silly when I go out in my 1/2 femme mode but it is more comfy. Yes I get comments from drivers sometimes or weird stares...

I think of it like this - I have little to lose so if I get detected, so what? Endure a little abuse, get upset, and then life goes on...

Also think like this - It is YOUR body, you have the right to dress it as you feel. If you feel guilty for even wanting to dress tht way, why? You didn't ask to be CD. And by acting on those feelings, you are not hurting anyone anyways.

Sometimes you just need to say and feel like "F*** it" and do what you will....

[cemab4y]

Cheryl is part of me. Cheryl is a good person, and I glad that she is a good person. I am friends with Cheryl. I still have some issues to work out, but I am a good person too.

[trisha59]

Foe me reading through these posts helps. I'm a really new member (1 week anniversary Woo Hoo) and on one of the firsts days I logged in I went through the 800 plus pages of this section. Of course I didn't read every one but if a title looked interesting I went through the posts. This confirmed that I was not alone. I also found that responding to peoples questions has helped me too. You see I only dress when I'm alone and when I dress as Trisha there was no one to talk to so I never got the chance to converse as her. Now Trisha can talk to all of her friends just by logging on. Anyway thats all I got.
Trisha

[2b.Lauren]

Foe me reading through these posts helps.

That is the simple beauty of a support group like this one. I know that I will always vacillate between acceptance and denial of the women that lives inside me. I know that I will have days when dressing and being Lauren are so very easy and others are going to be just a living hell. I have worked hard to be able to enjoy the journey that is being Lauren. She may never be more than what I currently allow her to be right now. She may never step out of the very safe confines of closed doors and rooms. However, the possibilities are endless, and the more comfortable I become the easier it is to let her be free. I think finding this community has also served to be a very great way for me to continue to express Lauren and to love and accept her daily!

Good Luck

[monika]

I had a girlfriend that helped me accept it, she was so cool with it and we remain close friends still.
Before that I was really ashamed to be dressing.
I am in the closet but the guilt is gone, and now I think of it as a little unusual hobby

[ChristineRenee]

You have the God given RIGHT on this planet to be the person that you truly are. Basically...that's it in a nutshell. No one can make you feel either less of a man (or woman, in the case of F to M)...or a human being...just because you are a CDer, TG, or TS...unless you GIVE them that right.

Be who you are...and be PROUD of who you are...ALWAYS!

[Alice B]

I would have to say that this forum has played a major role in my self acceptance. Learning just how many like myself there are in the world and learning from what they have to say has been great. I now fully accept my female side, look forward to expressing Alice and have even been able to get my wife to accept her. Thank you forum members.

[RitaCD]

Good post, Kirsty. I guess for me I became totally accepting of my CDing after my SO left. We divorced after 25 years marriage. When she first discovered my CDing she was accepting, even somewhat encouraging. Later it was " I don't want to see it." Finally it was "stop now or I am leaving".

I loved her dearly but knew that I could not and did not want to give up my feminine side. After she left I accepted me for what I am and what I will always be. We are still friends and talk frequently mostly about kids and grandkids.

I live alone and really enjoy being as feminine as possible. Though I don't plan to fully transition, I do go out dressed as Rita often. I guess the desire could change at some time in the future, but until then I am really enjoying being Rita.

[Joanne f]

I accept myself , i expect that has happened over time, but what i find hard to accept is why other people cannot accept the way i am .
When you think about it what is there not to accept about your self just because you feel different from the main stream .




joanne

[charlie]

Hello Kirsty!
Accepting my feminine self is easy, I have always had it. I have been expressing it differently though this last year. The complete dressing and going out and being Charlie has evolved. The acceptance there started with leaving my house and closet and interacting with others. Getting positive comments on my outlook, self and looks produced acceptance in myself by myself. I'm no longer guilty of anything. I no longer wish to stop what i am doing because I need to be manly. I'm just me.

[Toni_Lynn]

As strange as it may sound, I learned to accept myself by being an alcoholic and via my strong faith. As a teenager, I recognised the girl within, and oh how I loved her. The hatred, at times in the name of religion, shown toward her lead to guilt and a hatred of my boy self. This in turn lead to booze. It wasn't until I went to AA and got sober that I learned to truly accept and love the girl within. I will also say, possibly to the chagrin of some, that my strong Catholic faith, coupled with the belief that those who hate in God's name are wrong, has also helped in ways beyond measure to stop hurting and hating, not only myself, but others, and realise that God don't make junk and He made me and loves me for the girl that I am. In turn, I thank Him for the great gift of being, shall we say, gender-gifted, that I have been blessed with.

Huggles

Toni-Lynn

[Holly]

Kristy, let me accproach this from a different perspective and ask you, "How do you reject a part of yourself, those feminine qualites that you know are ingrained into your makeup? How do reject the comfort you feel when you allow yourself to express the full range of who YOU really are? How do you reject the peace that comes from experiencing life as your true self?" Learn to stop rejecting these things and you HAVE ACCEPTED YOURSELF.

[Jonianne]

Holly said it but in an opposite way than I was going to. First, self acceptance comes when we know that our femme self is a part of who we are and is not going to go away. Second, finding someone who we trust, who accepts us just as we are, helps build that self acceptance in our selves that we never got as children. It will take a while, but it is there and you will find it in time.

[Christine Andrews]

Thank you all for the kind responses.

You are right that reading through the topics is very helpful Trisha59,
2b.Lauren & Alice B, they have played a significant role in the progress I have made upto this point and this forum provides the one outlet for this aspect of me - an I am truly greatful to the forum and all of it's members for that.

Also Holly, when you put it like that, it puts acceptance into a new perspective for me since many of the positive traits of my personality and my approach generally to people I believe comes from the feminine side of my personality. Also, Toni_Lynn your experience is also thought provoking and a positive outlook.

Chrissie Renee & MlleErin you are both correct in your attitudes and I believe that in time I may be able to progress to this. MJ, I do only get very limited time so you are right it may take more time and I do express more of this aspect of myself than when I first joined this forum and I am closer to acceptance than when I first joined as a result.

Although I haven't picked out every reply to comment upon, I am truly greatful to all of you for sharing your advice and experiences, you have given me much to think about.

Thank you!
Kirsty

[Virginnia]

accepting what I am inside was very easy. the hard thing for me is keeping it in when sometimes it is screaming to be let out. I suppose I am lucky that my nearest and dearest know so I can be the real me at home when I have permission. the few people I have told have been so accepting and i wonder why it took so long to build up the courage to come out. I do admit that there is still more people to tell and i still have a certain ammount of fear but i can not let that get in the way of the progress i think i am making. love peace and serenity to you. x

[Mydia]

I've always accepted and embraced myself. I've known that I'm trans since I was 7 years old.

[DonnaT]

I have always accepted myself.

Question for you Kirsty. If ALL of society had no problem with anyone's crossdressing, would you still feel guilty?

If not, then your guilt lies with with what others may think, and all you need do is learn to not care what others think. You were born this way, most likely, and shouldn't be ashamed of something you were born with.

[Celeste]

I agree ,others who cast judgment can hurt the way you perceive yourself,so I like to not let them rent space in my head,acceptance for me is understanding that most will never understand the way I feel and That doesn't have to be a bad thing.

[Crystal Galadriel]

I have a problem similar to yours, Kirsty. I started CD when I was a teenager, using my mom and sister's clothes. My parents found out I was doing it and tried to analyze it and wanted to send me a psychologist, so I stopped, at least for a while. For several years, I didn't even have the urge to dress anymore, except for an occasional little bit that I could ignore.

In the past year or so, though, I started wanting to again, and I just couldn't say no. I mostly just dress under my drab, especially since I only own a few pairs of panties and a couple of bras right now. I sleep in them at night, and it's very liberating. It's part of who I am and how I think, and some of my best qualities come from Crystal: I feel like she gives me my sympathy, forgiveness, sensitivity, and how much I care for everyone around me. I couldn't even be the same boy-self as I am without the girl-self too. I've pretty much accepted Crystal, she's a wonderful girl, but I know I could never really introduce her to the world, just let her express herself through me. Hopefully I can introduce her to my SO, I feel like she really needs to know, but that's going to be a hard one. Crystal is very shy, this great community is really the only place where she can peek out a little. I'm really glad this place is here and full of such wonderful ladies.

[jennifer41356]

it has always been a part of me, but after a heartbreaking end to a relationship with a girl i had dated , i missed the femininity and started experimenting with wearing undies and skirts...I one day decided to shave my legs and body hair and really enjoyed the feeling...I had a heavy beard and hated trying to hide it and decided if I was going to have it removed I better think about really getting more involved with my female side and I never have looked backed or regretted a thing

I consider myself lucky to be able to wear womens clothes and go out in the world and be female..i cherish every second and would not trade it for the world

[Kelly Greene]

After first trying to rid myself of cross dressing and realizing that I could not.
I came to the conclusion that I had to do something I had to give myself permission to explore this thing called cross dressing, and let it take me where it may.

[maid phylis]

i have always known that from the beginning that i liked to put on feminine clothing.and from that time i always was trying to deny what i was doing.well since i came out to my wife i have been dressing and going out as my feminine self.now every new year of the jewish callendar ,thay means the high holy days i have to talk to g-d and explain who i am and why i do what i do.i always bare my soul on these days and let him know that i am a good person but this is the way i am and i hope he understands,phylisanne

[Inachis]

In the end, I think it was the support of my wife that helped me finally learn to accept it.