Well where to start hmmmmm!!!!!
It was my annual review at work yesterday and it went well really I can't complain got loads of positive feed back which was great but I just couldn't get a grip of it yeterday coz I was feeling so low I asked them to get some help in for the staff coz feel that they need to be educated coz the way things are my dysphoria is driving me nuts and the constant reminders that I'm a genetic female no disrespect to anyone else, is driving me nuts, quite leterally!!!!! I tried to explain how the dysphoria affects me and it left me feeling like I'd been stripped naked I got very upset and even cried which has been building up for weeks so the right buttons got pressed and there ya go I did cry. How did that make me feel well although I as a man think there is no reason why I shouldn't cry I felt weak, rediculous, inadequate and foolish It didn't matter that I was told I did not look those things coz I felt so low and so awful about stuff that nothing mattered. Last night I wanted to get blasted to forget everything but I knew logically this was not the best course of action so I didn't. Oh Jez the thoughts running through my head last night I couldn't believe and I was ashamed of myself at points. I battled with them I won thank god!!!! I felt so alone even though I'm not how rediculous or maybe not!! I don't know I asked if there was any way I could get more funding for counselling coz my counsellor thinks it would be good for me until I get support from Leeds which OMG I wish they would hurry up coz I feel most days I'm living in some alter reality its a night mare I'm so lucky to have Dan he gives me so much and I hope I do the same for him I explained how I am having panic attacks again and that I have found coping mechanisms so that I can function on a day to day basis. They was pleased that I have found ways to deal when I'm at work. Its just so hard and I didn't realize how hard it was gonna be being out at work and how totally drained I am feeling because of it all the time. Well enough babbling and thanx for listening xx Felix
Originally Posted by Felix
Sometimes I think and feel that I'm not allowed to show weakness which I know is crazy but its how I percieve certain situations. Maybe its the conditioning I've had as to how a man is supposed to be in conflict with how I think a man should be which causes the problem, who knows? I know for sure I been finding it hard to hide how I'm feeling lately, not in work, lol I've become quite good at hiding how I really feel. Even peeps I been working with for years are having problems knowing whats going on in my head. When I'm at home though thats different and the walls do come down, well to some. In the private space I really am myself and that is such a mixture of things. Think I will elaborate in a separae post.... 
