How do you tell someone...

[Eve_WA]

I have been recently confronted with this situation twice now in the span of just a couple weeks. That I have had to tell someone that I like them and value them as a friend, but that I dont desire a physical, or emotional relationship at this time. This has cost me both friends.

This really saddens me, as I think I did so in the most sensitive and straight forward way that I know how. But now one doesnt talk to me anymore, and the other... well our relationship has completely changed.

In either case, we had not become physical, in any way. We had been going shopping, to parties, hanging out, and they helped me be more comfortable with myself. But when they started flirting, and making overt sexual and relationship references, I felt I had to let them know that I was just not interested in such a relationship at this time, with anyone.

I have not been comfortable with myself and my feelings for a very LONG time. And one things I have learned in my many years, is that to love another, you have to love yourself. That has been my primary focus since I started accepting Eve for who she is, and who I am. To be more comfortable with myself. To accept me for me.

So how do you tell someone that you like them, that you value and want them as a friend, but not as a lover (without loosing them in the process)?

Eve

[sandra-leigh]

Sorry, I don't have any insight at the moment.

To clarify the situations: were these people other CD'ers? Were they people who knew you dress? (I'm figuring there must have been an element of cross-dressing in the relationships somewhere, as otherwise you would have posted in the Lounge)

[Eve_WA]

Yes, one of them is actually interrsexed, living as a woman., And the other is a GG. They both know about Eve, that I dress, and have been very supportive of me... right up until the point I told them that I dont desire a lover right now. Now the GG doesnt speak to me, and the other barely awknoledges my existence... this is making me so sad! All I was trying to do was avoid any hurt feelings and misunderstandings...

Eve

[Angie G]

If you can't put yourself in the relationship 100% you did the right thing for them and you Eve. Don;t beat yourself up for dressing it's not a bad thing it's who you are an I know your a good person. Accept that part of yourself and start liking yourself.
What you did shows you care for others by not taking advantage of your friends. I think it time you really started liking Eve she's a beautiful person.
Angie

[valenstein]

Eve,

I can't even count the number of people who have befriended me when what they really wanted was a sex partner. In my opinion, if you turned down their sexual advances and they disappeared, they weren't really into having an emotional relationship at all.

Genetic women sometimes have deep emotional bonds with their friends, but in a completely non-sexual way. Most genetic males don't share that bond with their other male friends. They may feel it, but they don't often verbalize it to each other. It can take a lifetime. We show camraderie by putting each other down. It's a learned thing that we have to unlearn. Where am I going with this? Some genetic males can't grasp the concept of having a deep relationship that doesn't involve sex. Not all, and the same probably applies to some genetic women. I see by reading your reply this did involve a GG and an intersexed person, so much of what I wrote about GMs do not apply, other than GGs do feel this, too and maybe it's different among two different genetic genders. Reading your reply, I'll have to think about it more. I put the cart before the horse a bit, my apologies.

If they ditch you because you turned down their flirtations, how much did they really like you?

As a side note: And one things I have learned in my many years, is that to love another, you have to love yourself. - It certainly makes your life easier when you love yourself, to be confident and find another mate but I know many people who hate themselves yet still deeply love another.

[Tomara]

I have a female friend of 15 years , when I got divorced 2 1/2 years ago I felt that she wanted to be more than just friends , I did not want that , we talked and I told her that I valued our friendship to much to take a chance on loosing that over being intimate , she agreed all though it did hurt her feelings a little , but now we are closer friends because of the honesty .
Maybe these people thought you were rejecting them all together , if you value the relationships try to talk to them about it and reassure them you didn`t mean to hurt them.
I hope this helps you.
Tomara