How do i tell women about c/ding when i,m dating?

[Deborah Jane]

Hi all, i think i may need help with this....

I seem to be having problems when i,m dating

I start dating women and often things go well, but when i reach a point where i should tell them about my c/ding before it starts getting serious, i just back out of the relationship rather than tell them. This has happened about 4 times now and i just can,t seem to get pass this stage.

How do i get past this point and try and find a woman who may accept me?

I,ve tried preparing the ground to tell them, but i just end up telling them it won,t work between us!

At this rate i,ll be single for the rest of my life!!

BTW, i get to know them in guy mode which is very differant to my girl mode....I,m very much one of the lads!!

[CD_DIANE]

I guess the one thing that comes to mind is a variation of this.... "If you don't ask the question, the answer is NO !"

If you don't tell her, you don't allow the possibility of a "YES" answer. Make sense ?

Diane

[Deborah Jane]

Also i think part of my problem is that i,m terrified of being "outed" to people i know, if she decides she doesn,t want me and tells people!!

[Jennifer Cox]

You've just got to bite the bullet and go for it. Tell them that sometimes Debs likes to wear male clothing LOL!

Seriously, I know it's difficult, but you're passing up the chance for real happiness because of your fear of rejection. What's the worst that can happen ? You lose them, which is no different to your situation now.

Next time, GO FOR IT GIRL!!!!

[Beth-Lock]

I heard one person did it by saying to his gf, 'Would you like to see the Halloween outfit I wore?' So he changed and came out of the bedroom wearing it, After that, sometime later, he would change into that outfit, when she visited him to watch tv. After asking a few times if it was really, necessary, eventually she started to just accept it.

[MJ]

dear Debs,

Why not just run off some of your best pictures frame them and hang them in your apartment or house that way I'm sure when you bring her home she will ask who's that and you can tell her. your being honest and open about it and your not hiding ..

[Jennifer Cox]

Also i think part of my problem is that i,m terrified of being "outed" to people i know, if she decides she doesn,t want me and tells people!!

I understand that too, but in life you have to take some chances. Try and judge their personality and decide if that's likely. If they seem genuinely nice, then I doubt they'll say anything. Most will probably be too embarrassed themselves to admit to anyone they've been dating a CDer. You've just got to watch out for the odd one that might turn nasty, but those sort of people are usually easy to spot.

Also, might be a good idea to avoid anyone closely involved with your existing circle of friends, family & colleagues, if that's possible.

[Raya]

As an open bisexual, I can never really be "one of the lads". Women who aren't at least a little queer turn me off greatly. So obviously, YMMV.

Anyway,

It's not just crossdressing. To me, telling people anything personal is all about comfort. I've found that by the time I feel comfortable enough to invite them into my home, I feel comfortable enough to talk about my love of women's clothes. I decided a long time ago that even if I were closeted everywhere else, I would be out inside my own home. If you didn't know about me, it'd be pretty hard to walk around my place without raising some serious questions .

[avril findlay]

Debs, I'm assuming you're talking about a serious relationship? If so, I think It's better to be honest about yourself early on in the relationship . I've had two end very acrimoniously. Not all women are happy about their boyfriends dressing as girls! But if you mean casual relationships and you're worried about being outed then I would say no.

[Deborah Jane]

Debs, I'm assuming you're talking about a serious relationship? If so, I think It's better to be honest about yourself early on in the relationship

I am looking at having a serious relationship now, i,ve had fun with some casual dating, but i think it,s time i looked for someone special. The problem is actually reaching the stage where they become special, i,m not getting beyond casual at the moment because i,m reluctant to open up about myself.

[DanaR]

There have question along these lines before. If you do a search of two, you might be able to find some other viewpoints.

I feel whenever you start to get serious in a relationship, she should know. Before that, I would have some questions that I'd present to her (unknownly, of course) to get some idea how excepting she might be; then I'd tell her. Another way might be to watch several of the transgendered movies that are available to get a feel of how she might react.

One of the things that my wife had to deal with, is how she thought others would view her or what is wrong with her for allowing me to be that way.

[FanciJewel]

You could use the more "scientific" term of gender dysphoria. Tell her you are afflicted with gender dysphoria. And the recommended treatment for that affliction is to dress in women's clothes as much as possible. Tell her that if you don't receive daily therapy, you become edgy, irritable, and sullen. With that explanation and side-effects of no therapy, she likely will run down to the nearest women's clothing store and arrange some therapy for you. It's worth a try.---Fanci

[StacyCD]

Why not ask an easy question! This is the question every CD faces in a relationship--tell and face rejection or not tell and carry on dishonestly.

If you don't tell and then back out you will never have a serious relationship (i.e., NO by default).

If you tell, you open up the possibility of a YES.

Of course, the possibility of being 'outed' exists but it may be less than you think.

[Teri Jean]

Deborah, when you figure that out let me know because I cannot get to the point of dating because of my desire to be and dress in their world. Many have said that the women would be knocking on the door but that has not happened and when I think I could get to like a woman I back off. At my age time is not on my side as it was 40 years ago. Deborah, thank you for your post. Huggs girl. Keli

[mklinden2010]

At some point in your early conversations, rather than talk about "the CD thing" talk about yourself and how you feel about gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered, and crossdressers... About those "issues," if nothing else...

Listen to what she says in response. If it looks like a "go" then continue with her and relate some of your past experiences and reflections along those lines. If you agree on these things, you'll agree on others... If you disagree, then disengage and give both of you a chance to "speed date" someone else.

No sense trying to force a round peg into a square hole.

When you find someone who is comfortable with your ideas, see if the rest of their ideas are a good fit for you. They may say CDing is OK, but they may think global warming is a Jewish plot to sell propane powered air conditioners delivered by UFO pilots during every third blue moon...

Good luck. No matter who you are and what you are into, finding the right person to spend 20 to 70 happy years with takes luck, skill, charm, and careful attention to all the details of living.

Long story short:

Be more than what you wear, and you'll find out how much they care....

[Karren H]

Maybe a bumper sticker... "Honk if you love crossdressers"??

[Cari]

Deborah; I really cant give any advice here as I face the same issues, I used to hope Id run into someone during nites out or events. Or maybe be introduced to someone by another CD or their SO. That way it would be just be out in the open at the start.

I do exactly the same thing and back away from relationships or look for anything wrong as an excuse. Thanks for your honesty in posting this, Ill be watching the thread with great interest.

I dont really feel right higing it as a relationship gets serious, its just to big a part of me to not say anything.

Cari

[Raya]

I couldn't have come up with a better response if I tried.

Welcome to the board, Mary! I think I'm gonna like you. Rude question, but I have to ask. Should I read your name "Mary K. Linden" or Mary Klinden"?

[sterling12]

Deb, I live in "The Singles World" also. personally I don't think you have an obligation until you get "way more than serious." In The Singles World that I live in, seems like everyone knows everybody else. Seems like every gal I know has a girlfriend/confidant with whom she shares EVERYTHING in her relationships.

If you don't want everyone in "Singlesland," to be sharing your secret, not just your latest beloved, I can understand your reluctance to "share" this type of information.

I'll probably aggravate Kitty who got burned by her EX, and advocates honesty always and immediately. But, until your thinking about marriage or moving in together, is there really a need for her to know? My counsel is to wait, until it gets really, really, really, serious. If you really care about her, you'll know when the time is right.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[docrobbysherry]

I am looking at having a serious relationship now, i,ve had fun with some casual dating, but i think it,s time i looked for someone special. The problem is actually reaching the stage where they become special, i,m not getting beyond casual at the moment because i,m reluctant to open up about myself.

I'm reading the posts here, looking for answers, same as u. It seems easier to just NOT call them back after a date or two. Rather than face all the personal crap u have to air to move to the next relationship level!

I keep telling myself when the "right" lady comes along, it will all be SO EASY!

Maybe I'm just DREAMING!? It's possible I'm going potty. Been alone in the closet with Sherry for too long!

[Sheila]

.
I'll probably aggravate Kitty who got burned by her EX, and advocates honesty always and immediately. But, until your thinking about marriage or moving in together, is there really a need for her to know?
Peace and Love, Joanie

To be fair to Kitty, I don't think she means immediately as in the first date or so Honesty, I think (and she will correct me if I am wrong) she indicates Honesty the from the moment your relationaship appears to be "going somewhere"

....... and being honest I feel you the minute you begin to think "what can we do for X, Y,Z holiday tog" this is beginning to be a serious relationship in your eyes and time to have that discussion but just my

DJ ... hun the minute u stop looking for the serious relationship it will more than likely be round the corner & have fun till then, afterwards have even more fun

[Tracii G]

I had met one lady recently and the subject of the bar scene came up and she talked about her and some girlfriends used to go to gay bars so as not to get "hit" on.
Well we ended up going out on a date one Saturday and I had brought some pics of Tracii just in case.The date was going just fine and she said she needed to go to the Goodwill store to get some things for a halloween costume I said great I love the goodwill store.
She asked if I was planning on going to a halloween party and I said yes you want to see some pics of my costume?
She looked at the pics and was not frazzled at all and said "thats you? My God you make a pretty woman" we may need to play dress up sometime.
My answer was sure anytime.
So maybe carrying pics may just help break the ice.Worked for me.

[Di]

Deb I agree with Sheila... "Stop looking" it'll happen when you are not focusing on it so much". When you least expect it.

AND when you do find the Ms Right tell her after you see it getting serious...not right away...by then you know if you can trust her and know her and you both already care about each other and she can know and see you who you are and the cding will not be as big a deal....cause she already cares about you and vise versa...I feel if you tell too early ...for some that is all they will see and miss out on seeing and knowing all of you. Just my

[Desiree2bababe]

Take her to a drag show and judge her demeanor to the performers, if good, then perhaps mention that you've dressed a time or two and enjoyed it.

Go from there.......

[Jess_cd32]

Also i think part of my problem is that i,m terrified of being "outed" to people i know, if she decides she doesn,t want me and tells people!!

I had just that happen to me years ago w/ an old gf, and she swore on her Mothers life it was only between us, now thats really low to do IMO, is nothing sacred to that girl.
Was the next day actually she was telling my best friends girlfriend, which of course got back to him and then I'm getting questioned about it at work
She was gone soon after to because of that so your fear there is legitimate, it could happen and its not a pleasant experience.

After she stabbed me in the back like that I turned the tables on her and showed her a taste of her own medicine as I had zero respect for her after that. Needless to say people looked at her funny now after what I had to say about her in my self defence

Saw a few good ideas on this thread you might wanna consider as options, but I certainly understand your fear about this comment you made.