A Talk with my wife

[crossdrezzer1]

sitting on thebed last night talking with my wife,, I am fully shaved and talking about meeting a freind to talk to,,she is pushing me to meet someone to talk to about this side of me,,she says it would be good for me,,well things led on and we talked about this site and I said many men on here hasnt even told their SO and its a secret,she said If I never told her she would be fine with it but glad she knows for the simple reason if I got caught by her,she said if I died she would take care of my stash and keep it a secret, we talked alot about it but she did make it a point for it to not run my life and be a man for her with sometimes she will play dress up for me,,she fears that she will someday kloose her man over this and I told her it wouldnt happen,,
Has anyone here had the same conversation with their SO's?

[Karren H]

Nope.... Your very lucky!! mine found out a 3 years ago and it's not a subject whe wants to explore... which is fine by me...

[carolinoakland]

You're very lucky that she is the woman she is, and she must care about you greatly. Respect her needs and communicate with her and I believe that your relationship will improve. But do ask her at every step to include her, she may not want to but will appreciate that you include her. And don't go to fast, it's easy to go overboard with the dressing when all the restrictions go away. And remember, while you may feel relief about not having to keep this secret anymore and have her to talk to about it, she is now alone with your secret, and she can't use her usual support system of female friends or family to work through it like she normally would. Be respectful and aware of this, call it lesson's learned the hard way. Love, Carol

[Sandra Dunn]

Yes I have. I told her before we got married the first time. The second time is when I got married to her as me. Great wedding.
She does have concerns that I will someday tell her that I want the SRS. My self I'm not sure I want to go through with a total SRS at this time, I would concider a partial SRS though.

For now,since we have a past together, a life together and we have plans for a future together and we have built this life of ours I will not do anything to my body without her consent.

I do go out and about on a regular basis and she is fine with that. Her only stepulation is that she gets one night a week with me in butch mode.Total butch mode and it's usauly out to eat and a movie; we call this date night.The total butch means no make-up, extra jewelry and all. I wear jeans, sneakers and a shirt. I've not bought a butch shirt in years, thankfully they don't go out of style. LOL

HUGS Snadra

[marny]

My wife figured it about 6 months after I did, or maybe that was 6 months before

[Marjory]

Try this link. I has some pretty good answers to questions wives will as.

http://www.ladylike.org.uk/

[LindaMarie]

sitting on thebed last night talking with my wife,, I am fully shaved and talking about meeting a freind to talk to,,she is pushing me to meet someone to talk to about this side of me,,she says it would be good for me,,well things led on and we talked about this site and I said many men on here hasnt even told their SO and its a secret,she said If I never told her she would be fine with it but glad she knows for the simple reason if I got caught by her,she said if I died she would take care of my stash and keep it a secret, we talked alot about it but she did make it a point for it to not run my life and be a man for her with sometimes she will play dress up for me,,she fears that she will someday kloose her man over this and I told her it wouldnt happen,,
Has anyone here had the same conversation with their SO's?

Compared to so many couples, you two seem to be doing very well. Your wife seems loving and supportive. Her request that you not let your crossdressing run your life seems very reasonable.

I envy your relationship. My wife and I are so far apart on this.

[Louise C]

I told my wife about 3 months into the relationship, she was hacked off because i kept eyeing up good looking women!- I had to explain that while i like attractive women, i prefer to look at what they're wearing! That's how it came out.

She was really supportive, showed me make up techniques and took me into town to buy some of my own clothes and makeup.

We have indeed had the conversation about her being scared that one day she will lose her husband to transition, but i try to reassure her this is not an option for me.

I agree that it is easy to go overboard at first with the dressing when you first come out, but you have to lay back a bit and still give her the man she wants as much as is possible. With me that's about 80% of the time, but i wish i could do the dressing thing more. 20% is too little for me!

I feel very lucky to have her as my wife.

[Annie D]

I am always concerned about talking to a third party about a subject that pertains to you and your wife. Crossdressing is an intimate subject and to share intimate details about your relationship with your SO can lead to a breakdown in the closeness you hope to have with her. Perhaps using the third party(like this forum) asking if you should tell your SO might be okay but if she already knows, I think that her feelings about your crossdressing should be kept private. How would you feel, if she shared your or her feelings about crossdressing to a third party. If a third party is brought into the equation, aren't you putting that person's opinion above the opinion that means the most to you?

I have found that people only ask the opinions of other people who they think will agree with their side and never share the opinions that are different from the ones that reinforce your side.

The only opinions and emotions that you should listen to are the one's coming from the person who means the most to you; that's why they are called the SIGNIFICANT OTHER.

*Please don't use my reply in any meaningfull discussion with your wife!

[PortiaHoney]

I'm sorry Annie, but I have to disagree a little. While it may be violating a code of secrecy to talk to a third party about the things that bother us most, women in general usually have a good support network where they bounce around situations and scenarios to get feedback on what they should do (I did say generally). I have found that even on the most personal of levels, they would have saught feedback from at least one close friend about their opinions on what they should do.

As genetic males we tend to not have these support networks and generally view any conversations with third parties as a violation of this secrecy. That is not what this network is about. Not many of us even know of others in the "real" world who are in this scenario. This forum is our close "female" friend to whom we can chat and seek feedback from others in similar situations.

If she understands that no "intimate" details are being discussed and anonymity is assured. So long as we don't do the guy thing and hold up actions of others as an example of what she should do, there should be no harm done.

We should all be free to gain the support of others, even if it is over the internet. Sorry, but it is a guy thing. We don't do the cry over a coffee thing well. Comes over a bit wimpy.

Anyway, Crossdrezzer1, it's great you are open and sharing with your SO. It is fantastic that she is willing to try to understand and sharing with you her own boundaries. The ball is back in your court and you need to understand if you can accept her terms. Sounds like you are on the road to a wonderful, open and caring relationship. Keep open the lines of communication, don't make the mistake of pushing her past her limits. Be careful when bringing in
third parties though, three in a bed may be fun but it doesn't last (figuratively speaking - not literally, well maybe). After 17 years of marriage, my wife suggested I should seek others with a similar bent and she would explore her's. I looked for friendship, she ended up in anothers bed. We were divorced within months with lots of anguish on both parties.

And don't forget to have fun!!!!!

Portia

[Angie G]

More or less yes we have. So I dress Monday- Friday taking the weekends off to be her man I still geting the better part of the deal.
Angie

[Louise C]

I'm sorry Annie, but I have to disagree a little. While it may be violating a code of secrecy to talk to a third party about the things that bother us most, women in general usually have a good support network where they bounce around situations and scenarios to get feedback on what they should do (I did say generally). I have found that even on the most personal of levels, they would have saught feedback from at least one close friend about their opinions on what they should do.

Amen to that, Portia. I totally agree with you.

[Dorothy]

My wife knows but is not at all OK with me going out dressed. She is very afraid of any one else knowing.

[Annie D]

Portiahoney and Louise Redhead: It wouldn't bother you if your wife went to a girlfriend or her sister and talked about her feelings about your crossdressing? Are you out or closeted? If my wife went out and talked to someone else about our relationship and my crossdressing, wouldn't she be outing me? I just think that once a secret is told to a third party, it isn't a secret anymore. Maybe you have your SO's permission to talk to a third party or you have given her your permission but when you do that I just think that your secret is out.

I am sorry to say that I don't have a friend that I could talk about my crossdressing with. The only friend that I have is my wife. Sometimes I wish that we had a 3rd party who we could both go to, together, but right now we only have one another. I could talk to other crossdressers as we are right now but no two of us are in exactly the same situation and place. We can only tell one another what has worked and what has not or my wife "understands" me or doesn't.

I agree with everyone who commends a wife for wanting to talk about the crossdressing and wanting to try to understand it and try to make the marriage work despite the surprise third person in the relationship. I was just trying to say, "be careful about sharing intimate secrets with a friend" because you need to be very sure of the type of friendship you think you have.

I appreciate your disagreement; I don't want to sound like I know everything because I don't and I am just trying to learn more about myself and relationships myself.

Love, Annie

[kimmy p]

I told my wife before she was my wife. I could have found a better time though. It was just after our first time together.... and before getting dressed again.

[kimmy p]

My wife knows but is not at all OK with me going out dressed. She is very afraid of any one else knowing.

Same here Dorothy, except on Halloween.

[rosecd]

Mine is a simmular story as everyone else, dealing with guilt and the fact that we have a side that not everyone understands or acccepts, I came out to my wife of 21 years 2 years ago, I did not do it in the best way but hine sight is 20/20 over the past 2 years we have had our up and downs, a week ago we had a heart to heart and I told her all that I had been keeping to myself in fear of losing her, this was the best thing I ever have done,she understands and is fully accepting, this is a HUGE step for us (and me)as I have been taking baby steps thus far and it is time to take adult steps. I have tried on some of my things for her for the first time ever and she felt closer to me than ever, even thou dressing for most of us is a large issue as we do not have open acceptance from socity as a whole, the acceptance and support of the one we love means so much, I am truly a lucky girl for having the love and understanding of a wounderful wife!

[PortiaHoney]

Portiahoney and Louise Redhead: It wouldn't bother you if your wife went to a girlfriend or her sister and talked about her feelings about your crossdressing? Are you out or closeted? If my wife went out and talked to someone else about our relationship and my crossdressing, wouldn't she be outing me? I just think that once a secret is told to a third party, it isn't a secret anymore. Maybe you have your SO's permission to talk to a third party or you have given her your permission but when you do that I just think that your secret is out.

I was/am very much in the closet to most but I am more open about it now (go figure - open and in the closet). I don't go around announcing to the world what I do. It's nobodies business but my own. When it has come to close, personal relationships, I have found honesty with a partner to be of utmost importance. Every time (5 serious relationships), almost without fail, at some point my partners have found they needed to talk to someone other than me about what I do. The first couple of times it happened, after I found out, I felt very much violated and exposed. I guess I was lucky, but they usually confided in someone that was very understanding and nonjudgemental. It's like they find the person who will most understand BEFORE they bring it up. I don't know how they do it, but I have never had a "bad" reaction from their conversations. In fact, most times I didn't even know they had discussed it until way afterwards as the persons involved knew both of us well and never let on that they "knew".

By the way, when I started living with one partner, she raided my gear for what she wanted and told me to ditch the rest. She didn't talk to anyone about it and told me I wasn't to do "that" anymore as I was with her and shouldn't need to. That relationship didn't last long but almost became a stalker type situation. Not good.

Like anything, individual situations are exactly that, individual. What is right for one might not work for another. It really is hard to judge. But I no longer expect that once I have confided in someone else that I can then control what they do. As soon as you tell someone, the cat is "out of the bag" regardless and the secrecy is gone. At some point, you will become the subject of conversation, how you deal with that is up to you. The only way to keep it totally a secret is to keep it all in your head. You only need to buy something, keep one magazine article, behave in a slightly different way, let it slip in conversation and the secret is out. She could even be looking over your shoulder as you look at this site or discover it in your list of favourites.

There is one thing "TRUST". Trust in your partner to do the right thing whatever that may be.

Single again but not because of my dressing.

Portia