My story.. just putting it out there...

[Ashley_1962]

Where to start? The good news or the bad news... let's start with the bad..

About 2 weeks ago, after 22 years of marriage, my SO dropped a bomb, basically declaring our marriage over! I knew we had been going through a rocky patch for a while, as most couples do - but after discussing it further, she said that she hasn't been happy for the last 16 years (where the hell was I??) and wanted to end our 'marriage' relationship. In hindsight, it is somewhat revealing that our conversation about the 'end' was painless and unemotional for both of us (some of it done through email) - it's like we both knew for a while, but just never had the nerve to take the next step....

I think there were many contributing factors besides my crossdressing that led up to 'the end' - but in reality, it is/was probably the main reason. Throughout the years she has been tolerant - and on occassion, even very supportive - but as time marched on, she became less supportive, and my 'hobby' became private again over the last couple of years. I think a key reason that we couldn't strike a 'balance' is that she saw crossdressing as 'one sided'; she was willing to give me the opportunity to dress, but I wasn't able to find a way to give back unless it also involved xdressing. When we discussed her reasons for ending things, she stated that she felt internally conflicted (guilty?) about the fact that she was holding me back from allowing me to more openly and freely explore my 'feminine' side. To her (and me), feminine side also extends into the question of sexuality (I respect the fact that many of you will disagree with this statement). Although I have never cheated on her, she was aware that there is a part of me that has wanted to explore this (I have always considered myself 'bi-curious'). So, I think to a great extent, her main reason for ending our marriage/sexual relationship was that she wanted to 'set me free' so that I would have the opportunity to express my true self - before it was too late (i.e. we were an old grumpy couple - like our parents!!) . This is a simple explanation - and I am sure there could be many hours of therapy ahead for both of us if we really wanted to go deep into this.

Now the good news (it's not all bad). We have ageed to continue living together as 'roommates' (without benefits!!)'. We still really care about each other, have 2 great kids (18 and 14), lot's of good friends, a great house and overall, a 'good life' together. We have agreed that before going to the next stage (e.g. separation), we will allow each other the time/space/freedom to explore and figure out what it is that we are missing in our lives. For her, that may mean hooking up with another man (she has had an internet relationship with someone for quite a while that I was aware of). For me, who knows - I am still working through all of the implications of this 'change', but will definitely take the opportunity to push the boundaries of the crossdressing experience and explore the unanswered questions about my sexuality. My hope (possibly more appropriately stated as 'dream') is that we go off and do our own thing for the next 6 months or so and come to the realization that what we have/had is 'as good as it gets'.. and find a way to make things work between us that allows us both to be happy. On the other hand, if after this period of exploration, we figure that the grass is greener on the other side - we find a way to split with miminal damage to each other and especially to our kids. .

One fabulous thing that has happened over the last few weeks is that my (x?)SO has now been absolutely supportive of my crossdressing (just not in front of the kids). She has helped me pick out a new wig, purchase some great makeup and brushes and has gone clothes shopping with me. I have also done a number of things to improve my 'femme' appearance, such as trimming my arm and leg hair, shaving down my hands, growing my nails (a bit). I have also expanded my daily 'undergarment' routine beyond panties to include a camisole and pantyhose (most days..). And quite honestly, I'm loving it!!

There are many bridges to cross over the next little while - stay tuned - it will be an adventure!!

[susanCD123]

WOW!

[Danielle Hyatt]

That's great Ashley I'm happy for you but just don't do someing you will regret.

Plese PM me if you want to talk

Your Pal
Dan

[harmony]

what a wonderfull person your wife must be!!letting you off the leash and there is nothing you can do in return.you are both blessed in your own way....

[Shari]

Quid pro quo.
It's okay for you to dress as long as she can find another man.

Apparently, you're both okay with the trade off, and if you're both happy, that's the bottom line.

Maybe it's time for you to find someone to share yourself with.
The door is wide open.

[Barbra_in_Tulsa]

Since you put it out there I will offer my opinion, disaster is looming if you are going to continue to live with your wife but in just a 'roommate' status. Maybe, and certainly hopefully, you can make that work but I am fearful that jealousy, bitterness, spite and whatever else my rear its very ugly head and turn into a train wreck for you.

I am not in your shoes and would not dare to presume to know what is best but at least think about moving out. You would not be the first man to get an apartment after the breakup of a marrage.

I hope for nothing but the best for you, good luck.

[Alice Torn]

Always the grass is greener on the other side, until we spend enough time there. Dr. Laura would say put the kids first, and the marriage, then our hobbies. The kids need both of you. I am not in your shoes, am single, have come oh so close, to meeting internet admirers, but, something made me stop. Think a second time, before acting. What is really safest, and best?

[mklinden2010]

If you're still legally married, get unmarried. You do not want to wind up in court later, either of you, bringing up her affairs and yours. Very, very messy.

People live and love together, then grow apart. Looking back, some of the fissures were always there - they just got wider. The kids will adapt to all this, so long as you go about it as adults: "Daddy and I have agreed to... Because, he.... and I.... Kids, I know this is a lot, but, kid's we care about each other and what's best for all of us..."

(Read the recent studies on children of CDer's and how they adapt to change and go on to be just as "normal" as everyone else.)

Sounds like your wife has already made up her mind to pursue another relationship - She has just "come out" to you. Sugar coating what she wants to do by being helpful with your CDing...? Well, just enjoy it for what it is, say, "Thank you" and see how this all works out for you. Hopefully, you've wished for the right thing in life.

There is no real going backwards from this point - you two remaining married to each other forever - is probably pretty unlikely. Too much water OVER the bridge to think the bridge will stay there. Sorry, but there is a lot of pressure here that's going to dictate a new outcome from all this.

Each of you has agreed, from a third party's point of view, that the marriage you had is over. "Roommates" is kind, but far from being true intimates. Roommates are freer to move out and more on. I think she probably will and you will not have a leg to stand on - after all, you need your space, right? Good move on her part. And, I'm not saying it isn't the best thing to do.

No, not to throw cold water on your plans. It's simply that things have changed and you need to see and catch this next wave. My guess is that she's a bit ahead of you in seeing how this is going to work out. But, the good news is she is seeking this new life while taking into consideration what you say you want - what else is dear to your heart but not fully expressed.

Fine. This can all work out. Just keep an eye on the reality of the changes and where this is all already heading. Try not to be "surprised" if she winds up with someone else, somewhere else, and you do too. And, try not to be surprised that things don't work out exactly as you now think they will. The future is never exactly as we expect it - sometimes it's better, sometimes worse.

Here's hoping for better!

Good luck.

[Josephine 1941]

HI ASHLEY, IS OAKVILE IN CT. SO LET ME TELL YOU I WAS MARRIED 30 YRS AND GOT THE SAME THING. LIFE DOSE GO ON I AM NOW LIVING IN SUNNY LAND WITH A GG THAT HAS A FEW BUCKS. I HAVE A MOTORCYCLE A 26 FT SAIL BOAT AND 30 FT TRAILER . WHICH I WOULD NEVER HAVE HAD IF I STAYED MARRIED. IT HURTS AT FIRST . MY GG AND I ARE THE SAME SIZE EVEN IN SHOES 10 1/2 , SHE LOVES ME AS A WOMEN AND I AM ABLE TO STAY DRESSED ALL THE TIME IF I WANT. WE HAVE A GREAT WARDROBE AND GO SHOPING AND TO CLUBS AND TRIPS TOGETHER. P TOWN , KEY WEST FL . YOU WOULD NOT BELIVE HOW MANY WOMEN OUT THERE WANT THERE MEN TO DRESS AS WOMEN THEY NOW HAVE A MAN FOR YOU KNOW WHAT AND A GIRL FRIEND BUILT IN TO GO SHOPING. HAVE FUN AN GOOD LUCK. JO

[trisha59]

Its never good when a marriage tanks so I'm sorry about that. I could never make the roommate thing work so I wish you luck it will be a difficult journey.

[Jodi]

Great for now, but just wait until the lawyers get involved. Once the lawyers get involved, there is no such thing as an amicable divorce. Been there and done that.

Jodi

[Jennifer_Cross]

Great for now, but just wait until the lawyers get involved. Once the lawyers get involved, there is no such thing as an amicable divorce. Been there and done that.

Jodi

How very very true... Got two T-Shirts to prove it.... But life does (and WILL) get better!

[Nadia-Maria]

it's like we both knew for a while, but just never had the nerve to take the next step....

Yes, it's the right intuition of yours.

Then be courageous, and way more than before :
Have the nerve to take the next step ! and act quickly !

Go through the divorce. Maybe, it could still be smooth....
Be cautious. Extremely cautious.
Be taught the most possible about divorce, before it's too late.
Don't be overoptimistic.
Maybe it's already too late, because your seemingly wonderful wife (or not so wonderful ??? who knows) has had one strike ahead.

Been there.
Have had the biggest surprize of my life. My ex-wife turned into the devil I would never had guessed for.

Hopefully the worst is never certain.
But, be prepared to the worst !

[Shelly67]

My pennies worth ...... you prolly wont like it , but here goes .... You say its been virtually on the cards for sometime .Its now almost if you,ve been given consent and allowed to dress, encouraged even now you,ve given permission for youre wife " to go find herself " .......she,s a grown individual . So are you . I think this is nothing short of a deeper reason. A trade of guilt for emotional blindness and comfort.
Well , if I were in such a position , I,d do nothing , but certainly keep my wits about me . I,m sorry to be so brunt , but no matter what the timespan of a partnership , if it were to develope in such a manner as yours, and I were in such a position, then I,d be very suspicious of another reason for such behaviour , perhaps even another person lurking in the back ground . This is no way meant to patronize , but there are children involved , and as others have already said , if it goes ugly , then it will become very unfeeling and inconsiderate . After all , in such situations lawyers are the only people who win.
Only your wife and yourself know the boundries of youre marriage , but whatever you do , don,t let anyone between you both at this stage ...........IF it hasnt happened already.
Take care continue to talk , be open , ask questions , even those that you are afraid to hear the answears in reply ......
More than anything , get ready to support an emotional 14 yr old if it all goes belly up ........

I hope n pray you find stability , and an honest peacefulness together ...
Good luck.

[Elizabeth2-]

Something inside of me says that your marriage may not be over with the right counseling and eye-opening especially for you.

Please try to save it with your SO's help enlisted.

A repaired relationship is always better than a broken one.

Love,

Liz

[cindym5_04]

Just my .02, though it may not be worth much.

Congrats on getting the chance to find your true self. Not everyone has that opportunity. Like the others said, though- keep your wits about you. My opinion is that she's probably using the crossdressing issue as her basis, which may not necessarily be the true case. You said that you've known that she's had this internet relationship for a while. She's looking, in my opinion, for the opportunity to "try out" that other person. You've been married for so long that things to her may have gotten either too stale or stable. I wouldn't stay around as "roommates" if you could afford not to. Couples therapy might help, but I don't think at this point it would.

Good luck and I hope everything works out. Just be leary of it all and remember that your 14-year old is still involved in this.

[Ashley_1962]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and opinions. Obviously a few of you have been down the divorce path it wasn't a pleasant experience. This truly is a difficult time for me - it is very challenging to get my head around the conflicting emotions of "freedom to dress and explore my sexuality" vs. "getting divorced and potentially screwing up my kids".

A couple of points to note:
- I shared this post with my wife before I put it up; we also just went through everyone's comments together (call me naive - but she also shares wtih me what is going on with her 'internet virtual lover')
- She has never slept with anyone else (we were high school sweethearts)
- Financially, it would be very stressfull for one of us to move out, without first selling our house (our older daughter is in university - my income is significantly higher than hers)
- Based on what I know of my wife and our conversations - I can't see her trying to 'take me to the cleaners'.. (except if she meets with a female lawyer and they are both PMSing... )
- not a big fan of lawyers - they only have one interest in mind -$$$

Anyhow, I think I am going to stick with "plan A" for now - and see how things unfold for the next little while. Will keep everyone posted of any dramatic events...

Ashley

[Jodi]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and opinions. Obviously a few of you have been down the divorce path it wasn't a pleasant experience. This truly is a difficult time for me - it is very challenging to get my head around the conflicting emotions of "freedom to dress and explore my sexuality" vs. "getting divorced and potentially screwing up my kids".

A couple of points to note:
- I shared this post with my wife before I put it up; we also just went through everyone's comments together (call me naive - but she also shares wtih me what is going on with her 'internet virtual lover')
- She has never slept with anyone else (we were high school sweethearts)
- Financially, it would be very stressfull for one of us to move out, without first selling our house (our older daughter is in university - my income is significantly higher than hers)
- Based on what I know of my wife and our conversations - I can't see her trying to 'take me to the cleaners'.. (except if she meets with a female lawyer and they are both PMSing... )
- not a big fan of lawyers - they only have one interest in mind -$$$

Anyhow, I think I am going to stick with "plan A" for now - and see how things unfold for the next little while. Will keep everyone posted of any dramatic events...

Ashley

Bless your heart Ashley, but you are so naive. She might not begin by wanting to take you to the cleaners, but, as I said, once the lawyers get involved---???? All property is marital property. Depending upon the state where you live, division of property can be different, but it can be a nightmare. My advice is to consult with a very good lawyer right now to see where you stand. Be up front and honest with him/her about your cd'ing. Your wife might be happy and smiling right now, but might be in the process of setting you up for a big fall.

Your life is about to come apart big time. Best that you are prepared for it.

Jodi

[rhondamichelle]

I have been reading recently that many unhappily married couples are being forced by economic necessity to stay together because of their inability to unload their largest asset...their house.

Rhonda Michelle

[GG Pearls]

Ash, dear...

"My hope (possibly more appropriately stated as 'dream') is that we go off and do our own thing for the next 6 months or so and come to the realization that what we have/had is 'as good as it gets'.. and find a way to make things work between us that allows us both to be happy."

I am afraid that this statement really is just a dream for you, or a way of letting yourself down easy. In fact, speaking as a GG, if I were to say and do the things your wife is saying and doing, it would be my way of letting you down easy. Having you as a "roommate" is a financial convenience to her. The fact that she is helping you "groom" for another relationship is telling. It looks like she is pushing toward "exploring" another sexual relationship while still legally married...I see nothing but trouble and being set up, intentionally or not; it could be very bad.

It sounds very harsh, and I'm sorry, but she sounds very far down the road in making up her mind at this point, whether or not she admits it to you or herself. I would consult a lawyer and make sure your CDing and gender issues don't become part of something nasty. I would also slow way down on being out of the closet, pursuing other relationships, admitting attraction to the same gender, etc. until you are in safer waters and know the status of your future relationship with your children and your legal/financial commitment to them. (I am not calling for you to stop being you, I am calling for you to stop giving her more potential ammunition.)

Yes, your wife could potentially be your "bestie" that helped you discover and grow your true self, but she also could easily be your worst enemy. I would also run, not walk, to a counselor.This is where all the discussion and exploring should be taking place, not with your potential ex wife.

Again, I realize I am being harsh, but "I've looked at love from both sides now," and I see danger.

Much love and support to you, my dear.

[paulaN]

I have just gone through a divorce. It was friendly. For the most part. We did it without lawers for the most part. She also wanted me to be free to explore my fem side. Yet within a month after I left the house she had a lover. That was the most painfull for me. We talked a lot and I was in a great deal of pain. Loosing her after 31 years. She insisted she wanted me to be free. But I will tell ya it was all about her. Not us her. It still is all about her. I left the house the second week of Sept. and I have already been to court. I am now free to explore my bi self. I am free to dress as I please. But I would still rather have my marriage back and my simple little life back. But that was not to be. Why because it was all about her that's why. The divorce was a hell of a roll a coster ride for me but not for her. The roll a coaster has slowed way down now but it is still there. And it is still all about what she wanted and wants. She still has her lover too. We should talk more. send me a pm if you like. Paula. And i do wish you the very best. Please don't be fooled, or made a fool of.