Background Noise (of the Mind)...

[jina]

Since joining this group I have run into several feelings/phrases/thoughts that I always thought were my own (and no one else's),.. only to see them referred to on this site like they're common knowledge (ha !).

For example: referring to "drab" mode. I basically had lost interest in clothes a long time ago because of my "designation".

I was just reading the thread: "What Would be Your Ideal Situation ?". There was a post by Sara Jessica that contained a phrase: "These things would enhance my own personal comfort level, hopefully to reduce the tg noise which is ever present in my mind".

When the avalanche of tg emotions came down on me all at once a couple of years ago (stored up over a lifetime - I refer to it as trying to pour Niagra Falls into a dixie cup ... it was a crazy time, I was quite unprepared for the deluge that was about to take place). I had the opportunity at that time (with my wife's help) of actually getting to acknowledge *jina* for the first time.

I'll never forget the first evening, standing in front of the mirror after getting to "go the distance" with makeup etc. saying to myself (and later to my wife)... "the noise is gone, I can't believe it... it's just gone". It was the most amazing thing. All those years of wanting, wishing, being brave.. suddenly *resolved*. I stayed up late that night just thinking about it, putting off the inevitable "back to drab" as long as I could.

I'm still evolving,.. and really enjoying *me* when the opportunities arise. Still coming to terms with everything and what it all means.

Anyway,... anyone else out there actually had "the noise" description in their thoughts and words, or been aware of it's existence ?

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Jina, you make one beautiful woman. I am not sure about what all the "noises" are about. I'n not sure I've heard them yet, but if I am suppose to, I'll try harder.
Love,
JoAnne Wheeler

[April Simmons]

Jina,

Never thought of it in terms of background noise but when I told my SO I said it is something that I think about All THE TIME, sometimes consciously sometimes unconsciously.

Even when fully engrossed in male activities a random thought would pop up...and the desire to CD would manifest itself. I don't think a single day has gone by in decades when I have not thought about being a girl or dressing as one.

When dressed the felling of "rightness", calm, peace with myself is very strong. As you said no noise, a great analogy.

Love,

April

[Karren H]

Nope... Other than the sever tinitus I have in both ears that sounds like a jet engine... My thoughs have never been noisieish..

[SusanMarie]

Yes, what a great description!
Before I was 'honest with myself', the voices would roar in my mind.
Now, being CD/TG is downright fun and actually brings peace of mind for me.

[Kate Simmons]

Yeah, sometimes it's difficult to separate the background static from the grand tunes but it's doable if we develop an "ear" for it.

[beenherelongtime]

never heard them, but if it works for you, GREAT

[Sara Jessica]

Since joining this group I have run into several feelings/phrases/thoughts that I always thought were my own (and no one else's),.. only to see them referred to on this site like they're common knowledge (ha !).

For example: referring to "drab" mode. I basically had lost interest in clothes a long time ago because of my "designation".

I was just reading the thread: "What Would be Your Ideal Situation ?". There was a post by Sara Jessica that contained a phrase: "These things would enhance my own personal comfort level, hopefully to reduce the tg noise which is ever present in my mind".

When the avalanche of tg emotions came down on me all at once a couple of years ago (stored up over a lifetime - I refer to it as trying to pour Niagra Falls into a dixie cup ... it was a crazy time, I was quite unprepared for the deluge that was about to take place). I had the opportunity at that time (with my wife's help) of actually getting to acknowledge *jina* for the first time.

I'll never forget the first evening, standing in front of the mirror after getting to "go the distance" with makeup etc. saying to myself (and later to my wife)... "the noise is gone, I can't believe it... it's just gone". It was the most amazing thing. All those years of wanting, wishing, being brave.. suddenly *resolved*. I stayed up late that night just thinking about it, putting off the inevitable "back to drab" as long as I could.

I'm still evolving,.. and really enjoying *me* when the opportunities arise. Still coming to terms with everything and what it all means.

Anyway,... anyone else out there actually had "the noise" description in their thoughts and words, or been aware of it's existence ?

Jina, I wish I could take credit for the "noise" expression. I learned it from a dear friend of mine who was transitioning. I had always experienced the noise but didn't know what to call it or how to describe it.

The analogy relates to the noise a television makes when it's not tuned to a channel, all you get is that white noise. I can only describe what this means to me and I think it is similar to what Jina described as having gone away (Jina, I'm curious, did it come back???). The noise is always there to some degree, from the moment I awake until I go to sleep at night. It has nothing to do with "boo hoo, I wish I could wear a dress and heels today". Rather, it's along the lines of "I love my wife, my children, my family, my career, and yet at the same time I am unable to be true to the woman at the very core of my being". Girl time for me, no matter how it manifests itself (quiet time in the a.m., the rare times when the wife and kids are away, those times when I am able to get out and about as Sara) usually quiets the noise. Yet for me it always returns, often with a vengeance when I have to return to guy mode (think volume way up) but it settles down to the usual background noise soon thereafter.

I have made a conscious decision that I must sacrifice transition for the sake of what I have built. However, having made this decision, it doesn't mean it's easy by any stretch of the imagination. I suffer daily in a fate which cannot be understood by a vast majority of the population, let alone by my wife. Yet at the end of the day I cannot imagine trading away my feminine perspective, or the joy it brings to me. Sara is me and I am Sara. It is part of my personality, or as I said above, my being. The joy in those times I am able to be true to myself (via expression) is only eclipsed by the love I have for my family. If only there was a way to merge the two without the nasty consequences which seem to play out for many, if not most who transition. Then, and only then would my "noise" finally disappear.

[Samantha43]

I've always been comfortable with myself, and I have a supportive (awesome) wife, so I don't know what you are feeling.

It's great you were able to come to terms with it and resolve it in your mind.

Enjoy!

[Jonianne]

I also noticed the word "noise" in that post.

For me the, "background noise" started when I first really accepted and was OK with myself as a crossdresser. I was in a pink fog just as big as the mist of Niagra Falls. It was such a relief to finally after all these years of self condemnation to finally know I was OK. The background noise of dressing was there 24/7 for a couple years. It was on my mind constantly. It was just like background noise. That was one thing I did not like about my dressing back then, the mental obsession. Over time it quieted down and its not something I notice nearly as much.

[docrobbysherry]

Whenever I'm dressing!

However, my background noise, is usually about things that have NOTHING TO DO WITH CDing!

[Kate's at home]

Hi Sara and Jina. What wonderful descriptions of becoming conscious of the energies and realizations of becoming open and honest w/ oneself. And then, the implications of living it. Great threads. Thank you so much. I'd love to hear more.

In electronics and audio applications, there is a signal called "pink noise" used
to test and "burn in" equipment.

Kate

[Jacqui]

The noise is always there to some degre.... Rather, it's along the lines of "I love my wife, my children, my family, my career, and yet at the same time I am unable to be true to the woman at the very core of my being."

I have made a conscious decision that I must sacrifice transition for the sake of what I have built. However, having made this decision, it doesn't mean it's easy by any stretch of the imagination. I suffer daily in a fate which cannot be understood by a vast majority of the population, let alone by my wife. Yet at the end of the day I cannot imagine trading away my feminine perspective, or the joy it brings to me.

I agree completely. The "noise," or thoughts of womanhood are with me constantly battling the reality of friends, family and career. However, there are times when I am alone or trying to go to sleep, when I fine-tune the noise and let it take over. Call it "fantasy" or whatever, but these periods bring me closest to the visions of myself that will never be fulfilled.

Jacqui

[theresa]

I think I understand completely how you're feeling. I spent so many years listening to the TG "noise" and really didn't know how to deal with it other than to suppress it over many years. It pretty much has always defined me. Opening up to my SO and being accepted for who I was; was the begining of a new journey for me. I don't want to stop hearing that TG "noise" but I'm hearing it in a different way today.

[jina]

You are all such wonderful people. I'm so proud to be with you. I never belonged anywhere until now. I've had plenty of friends and success in different ways. Funny though,.. I had never had a genuine relationship until I "got real" (well, with my wife and therapist anyway). I always had a few more cards in my hand than I shared... it was *very* lonely (still is sometimes). My wife and I joke about that overly sentimental song in relation to this, from back in the 80's "I've been to Paradise (but I've never been to me)" by Charlene. How true ! (sappyness aside).

I am a musician,.. and I think in those terms a lot. There is another lyric that applies. Always made me cry *every time* when it got to the last verse (Shades of Scarlett Conquering, by Joni Mitchell):

... given in the night to dark dreams, from the dark things she feels.
She covers her eyes in the X rated scenes running from the reels.
Beauty and madness to be praised, 'cause it is not easy to be brave.
To walk around in so much need,.. to carry the weight of all that greed.
Dressed in stolen clothes she stands, cast iron and frail.
With her impossibly gentle hands, and her blood red fingernails.

These words for me describe being m2f TG very well (including the "stolen clothes"). It was intended to be a snapshot of a type of womanhood (off of her album: The Hissing of Summer Lawns - her critique of suburban life). *Scarlett* being a reference to "Scarlett O'hara" in Gone With the Wind. Also interesting to note while on the subject; Joni Mitchell also has an album called Hejira which is a caste in India where m2f TG's go and live as women. I think she felt both sides of the spectrum within herself possibly.

I think I will pay attention to this thread (and possibly add more). I read some very tender things above that I can totally relate to. I am reticent to mention any one person... but the mentioning of kids and the importance of it all (and the struggle) by some above is right on the money for me. You are all such lovely people.

[VeronicaMoonlit]

Yeah, the noise, it's always there to one extent or another. I sometimes use computer terms referring to it as a "thread" or "background process" that can't be "killed" though sometimes it can be "reniced".

Does it hurt? Yes it does, every day. Like interminable paper cuts, or punches to the gut.

Veronica
Rondelle (Ron) Rogers Jr.

[kaitlin]

Hey Girl, I understand just what you mean !!! The Crossdressing / need to be female, thoughts, ideas, wants etc. that kept my mind flooded were, and to a point still are, like a white noise in my head! Until I met my wife I was certain I was losing my mind! Now I am able to understand it better and be the true me! Kaitlin

[DAVIDA]

Noise? Is that what it's called? I always thought that they were my thoughts! This is me. It is not my hobby. It is my lifestyle. Just as my thoughts wander about whatever is in my head at that paticular nano-second, they are just as likely to have something to do about crossdressing as any other subject.

[LACD]

Never thought of it as noise, but since coming out fully to my Dear Wife 3 years ago I guess you can say the noise has eased some. She is an awesome lady and fully supports my CD'ing. The noise still gets loud when we go shopping and big sales are happening. The Pink Fog surrounds me and makes me buy clothes, lingerie etc. Cannot control self.

[Sara Jessica]

Definately some very thoughtful comments. There are a couple points I'd like to clarify though.

• The existence of this "noise" has nothing whatsoever to do with my personal level of confidence. Ask anyone who has met me, they know that I'm beyond confident in my presentation of who I am, or at least that's the case 95% of the time (5% reserved for those moments of weakness which happen here and there).
• This concept should not be confused with pink fog, they are two totally different things.
• I have nothing to back this up other than a gut feeling but I believe those who lean towards the TS end of the gender spectrum are more likely to truly experience what I'm talking about. Nothing at all against those who identify as CD'ers but I cannot imagine they experience this. Desire to dress and/or appear as female, absolutely, but the noise I'm speaking of eminates from the innermost core of my being, not from any sort of want or desire to dress.

In closing this thought, to quote a different lyric...

It's always me alone who hears the noise, because it's my inner voice.

[AnnaMaria]

Jina,

Yes, I do hear the noise all the time.The constant reminder that I have to be careful what I say and how I act. Who I tell about what, and when. I can't imagine there are many of us who don't here it at least from time to time, whether we realize it or not. Those little reminders that we are not who the world thinks we should be. People making comments at work or the local bar.

I have learned to only hear the ones that will protect me and those that I care about. I have accepted who I am and I am starting to learn appreciate and even love the fact that I am different and don't fit into the little box that the world has created for me. The real trick for me has been to learn to block out all of the stuff that I don't need to hear.

What is that woman thinking about the way I am dressed. Or what does this person think about the fact that I have both ears pierced and have long hair. Does any of it really matter? or do I even care what they think about me as long as I am safe and I am comfortable with who I am.

I live alone and in harmony with who I am and with what I have surrounded myself with. When I get home from work I return to being who I really am instead of being the fake that the world sees every day. That is when they are silent and I can be at peace.

Anna

[TxKimberly]

I think thats a great way to describe it! At almost all times, it's back there nagging at me, fading in and out, but never gone.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Nope... Other than the sever tinitus I have in both ears that sounds like a jet engine... My thoughs have never been noisieish..

I've got the same tinnitus problem, and sometimes it drives me crazy (or crazier). Thinking about it did give me some sort of insight into my CDing. For those who don't have it, the ringing in the ears usually has little to do with your ears. In my case, doctors and audiologists explained that nerve damage limits the signals my brain gets from my ears, and my brain just seems to fill in the missing signals.

There is a well known eye experiment you can do with black spots on a white sheet of paper. When the image of the black spot falls on the part of the retina where the optic nerve terminates (no sensors there), the brain fills in with the surrounding white paper and the spot disappears!

This lack of control of your own brain has always amazed me. Despite what you "know," you cannot will your own brain to stop the ringing you know isn't there, or see the spot you know is there. This crossdressing sometimes is a damn nuisance, but it seems impossible not to think about it. I begin to suspect that we have less control over who we are than I might like.

Liz

[Kate's at home]

The noise seems to me to ebb and flow, but is always a constant presence. And yes, nagging is a good way to describe it too. Even when I'm not conscious of it, in retrospect, it's there. Always has been...

I know there are biological theories to possibly explain. Maybe. The noise "feels" to me to be the urging of an essential feminine energy within expressing "herself". The universal goddess? I have an intuition that this energy is somehow chosen for the experience at multiple levels physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I have also wondered about gender orientation at a "soul" level metaphysically. Is it possible that we here might all be "more girl" than we realize consciously?

Some of my earliest memories are of dressing and wanting to be a girl at ages 4-6. These kinds of experiences must be about more than biology and socialization at these ages. In fact, then and now, the noise presents as out of context to what would apparently be our social and biological destinies based on the physical bodies we have and, presumably, "normal" socialization. The ongoing rhetorical quetion is, What is this noise, where does it come from, and what do we individually do about it and how do we live with it knowing fully it's there and it's not going away.

I would say that, to me at least, the constant (pink?) noise is the essential and core feminine energy speaking DIRECTLY to us, and as acknowledged, thru us. The "pink fog" seems to me to be a way to give form or focus to this feminine energy thru dressing or whatever else we find that works, or not. I also sense that this feminine energy is also the essential creative energy behind everything in the universe. A pretty stong force we've tapped into, huh ladies?

Kate

[Kimberly Elise]

Well stated, Sara. I am right there with you! Kim