HR Conversation, don't know what to think.

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

Today I just returned from a 1 1/2 week vacation. This morning my HR manager called me into her office to give me my paycheck from the previous week and asked me to sit down, she needed to talk to me about a delicate issue.

Just a little background, since Halloween 2007 when I dressed up as IT Jane I have been dressing a little more feminine, blouse's and pull on pants with no pockets and since Halloween 2008 have been wearing more outwardly feminine appearing blouse's with necklace and bracelets. I have also started wearing makeup, mascara and occassionally eye shadow. I still wear men's clothes from time to time. I have never worn a dress or skirt except the past two Halloweens.

Well, she wanted to ask me if I was transitioning, because she overheard some people make negative comments about me and wanted to tell me that if I am intending to transition, that the Company and the HR dept would be supportive of me. She continued to ask if anyone has said anything negative to me, which I replied "no". I suspect certain people may have made comments behind my back, but it doesn't bother me yet. She also asked why I wear makeup and dress in feminine blouse's and since I was caught off guard with this moment all I could say is that since Halloween when I was dressed up, that I feel I look better with the makeup on and that people have said I look much younger. As far as the clothes I said I feel more comfortable wearing them then men's fashions.. I did not specifically say I'm Transgendered or a CrossDresser. She also said the issue was discussed with my manager and Dept director, she implied that the issue worked its way to them.. Anyway, heres my quandary.

What should I do at this point? Since I was not completely forthcoming with my HR person (Caught off guard) should I write her a letter telling her that yes, I am a Transgendered person, that I have been crossdressing for 40+ yrs and that right now transitioning is not in the cards for me. And see where the cards fall. I have not spoken with my immediate supervisor or Dept Director yet and they have not called me as yet. I have been a good Employee since I started working here.

I have attached a couple of picture's showing my typical work day appearance, plus one from a year or so ago for comparison. I think all will see that I looked bad a year ago, but I really need advice from people who have transitioned in their work or who wear feminine clothes to work on a regular basis.

I ask all my kind sisters to offer whatever advice they have. Kimberly

[MarcieM]

I'm sure the responses you get here will vary greatly.
I think...if you want to dress femme, go ahead and tell them you're tg or whatever and starting wearing the wig you have on in your avatar and just do it full tilt. My opinion, is - and yes, I did say "my" opinion - the andro look you have in those pics isn't working for you at all. I say go all the way or just go male.

[Nicki B]

What should I do at this point? Since I was not completely forthcoming with my HR person (Caught off guard) should I write her a letter telling her that yes, I am a Transgendered person, that I have been crossdressing for 40+ yrs and that right now transitioning is not in the cards for me. And see where the cards fall. I have not spoken with my immediate supervisor or Dept Director yet and they have not called me as yet. I have been a good Employee since I started working here.

What good would continuing the dishonesty do? If I were you, I'd say "yes, I'm trans, but I'm not transitioning, at least for now".

It sounds to me as if they asked because they were trying to protect you - and, atm, you're putting yourself out in the cold?

Being androgenous is surely not a problem, for an enlightened employer (which yours seems to be) - but lying could be? Be truthful, what have you got to lose, now?

[kym]

I'm with Marcie on this one, people seem to accept one that is tg or one that is not a lot better than someone who is andro. Besides if you have HR on your side, why not go all out and feel pretty all the time?

[Jenna1561]

Hi Kim,

I'm in a very similar situation at work and have been looking for that talk to come from my supervisor, manager or HR. Whenever one of them says they'd like to talk to me, I assume this is it. But for me it hasn't materialized yet.

I agree with Nikki. Either talk (preferred) or write that same HR individual and simply state the truths. You were caught off guard and reverted to a lifelong habit of denying and covering up. I'm pretty cetain she'll understand your anxiety.

Be truthful, admit that you are TG but that now is not the time for you to transition, but that it may be in the future. I believe that Nikki is right in surmising that she was attempting to protect you.

You might sit with her and explore the company's stance and experience with transitioning on the job.

Best of luck.

Jenna

[docrobbysherry]

The only thing I can add is; I think U DO look younger!

[Jenna1561]

The only thing I can add is; I think U DO look younger!

I didn't say so in my original post, but, OMG Girl! you do look much younger and happier particularly in your avatar.

Jenna

[MJ]

the workers are talking and there not stupid. you should talk with her and be honest. or this could back fire

[Genifer Teal]

the workers are talking and there not stupid. you should talk with her and be honest. or this could back fire

I feel similar. HR would be in a better place to help you if you did come clean now. The fact that they came to you and offered support is a good sign. The sooner you pick up the conversation (if you decide to) the better it will make you look. You can still save face now by saying you were caught off guard - here's the real deal. Later on if you tell HR it would seem like - why did you lie the fist time?

When you mention you have no plans to transition "right now", I'd leave off the "right now". I suggest just saying "no plans to transition" and leave it at that. You are entitled to change your mind in the future. Why give them unnecessary concern for something that may never happen? That is just my suggestion.

BTW - You look great, happy, and WAAAYYY younger.

Gen

[kittypw GG]

Ok, you were caught off guard.... but you are transitioning. The pictures don't lie. Look at them???? How could you not tell the truth. I think that you should absoulutly write a letter or have another talk with the hr director. Otherwise you look like you are lying. Honestly if you are not transgendered why in hell would you wear that necklase and sweater to work??? Leaving it like that will do nothing but leave your co-workers with a lot of room to speculate and make fun.

It is totally up to you but you have an opportunity to give yourself credibility by comming out. Hey you already outed yourself you just didn't SAY it. I personally think it is best to come clean and take the confusion factor out of the mix. Just my opinion.


Kitty

[beenherelongtime]

i agree that you should talk to this HR manager. you are better off with the truth out there and it does sound like they are protecting you. many companies have rules now that cover sexual orientation and they are in your favor.

[Mary Morgan]

Kimberly, Where do you want this to go? It is really in your hands. If you want to leave it where it is, do so. If you want to make a change this is an opportunity. The only caution I would give you is to think it through and be honest. The HR dept deserves to know where you are. If you don't know, tell them that. They will be there for you if you treat them right.

[Teri Jean]

Hi Kim,
The other sisters are right with coming clean and when you do sit down with the HR director or write her be honest and she will protect you. She has to for it would be hell for her if she did not.
By the way you do look a lot younger especially without the glasses. Good luck and be brave as you have to date. Huggs Keli

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

write my HR manager a letter. It is as follows, I will edit out the names of my HR person and the company. Let me know what you think of the wording.

[SIZE="3"]January 6th 2009

XXXXXX,

This letter is in regards to our short conversation of Dec 5th 2009. Where you asked me if I am transitioning, because you heard some comments from other employee's.
To say the least coming back from Vacation, I was caught off guard and was not ready to answer such a question. After a life long journey of being a transgendered individual I reverted to a habit of denying and covering up my true feelings and thoughts. I need to be true to myself and tell you that, Yes, I am a transgendered person and have been for over 45+ yrs.

I have slowly come to the realization over many years that all the doubts and reservations I had about expressing my true female self were about OTHER people - guilt that I was letting everyone down, fear that no one would accept me as female, sorrow at losing the love and respect of my family, etc. This all caused me to be depressed and unhappy thru my life, I have finally come to the point where I realize that all this stuff doesn't matter - I am female inside from the day I was born and the only thing that really matters is being true to myself.

There are a billion different ways to express one's gender, and there is no "formula" that one has to follow to transition. Some people are totally content just allowing themselves to more fully express their cross gender emotions while still living as their birth gender. Some people just "dress up" once in a while and are totally happy with that. Some people change their name and live as the other gender but never take hormones or have surgery. And a lot of other people go all the way and transition physically, emotionally and socially.

I have a RIGHT to be exactly who I am and express it openly. It's not something I have to sneak around hiding, or that anyone ALLOWS me to do. It's the right of every human being to express themselves in the way that's true for them without hurting others. As far as transitioning, I have no plans to transition in a physical sense or change my name. I am content in expressing my female side in the manner I presently do, wearing feminine blouse's on occassion, wearing makeup which makes me look younger and wearing jewelry. These things are the way I express myself.

I understand the concerns of my employer, that I represent XXXXXXXXXXXXXX Corporation, as my present job function exists, I do not interact with outside customers one on one. But as discussed with my immediate manager during review's, I may go out on customer calls to work on computer equipment. Rest assured that in those situations I will be dressed in appropriate male attire that will not impinge on XXXXXXX's reputation in any way. I just ask XXXXXXX to allow me to express myself in the manner I have chosen.

If you would like to talk with me in more depth in regard to XXXXXXX's stance and experience with transgendered employee's, I would welcome that. I presently have not received any negative comments from any other employee's, but have noticed that some are very curious why I dress and look the way I do and are not fully accepting of it, but I can accept that. If you have heard comments that are negative or derogatory, I would like to hear about those comments, what was specifically said. I don't need to know who said them just what was said.

Sincerely,[/SIZE]

This is the letter I will give to my HR Manager tomorrow morning. I will check back tomorrow morning before I go to work to see what further advice my sisters may have. Have a good night. Kimberly

[ColleenCD]

Kimberly,

If you're brave enough to wear these beautiful clothes to work, fully aware that others will take note and make comment, then you simply need to close the loop and and have the correct conversation with your HR Manager. You already have the company support and will be protected. I recommend a face to face conversation versus a letter. It carries more validity. Your conversation primarily should focus on your current situation, with considerations of your future status.

Be honest and show the courage you have been known for.

Colleen

[sterling12]

Before you send in The Letter, please review your Company's policies and procedures manual. It may have a great policy regarding TS person's in transition, but there may be no protections for The Transgendered who are not actively transitioning.

If you find anything negative in that manual, my advise would be to "play it mum," and let them guess! If they aren't sure, then the tendency will be to leave you alone...they don't like litigation!

Your kind of balanced on Occam's Razor, one false step and you can fall, or experience other dire consequences. I don't think they would have approached you without being pretty sure that "something" was going on. Perhaps just settling back and not reacting might be the best course for the time being.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Sedona]

Kimberly,

First off, for better or worse (I prefer to think it's for the better), congrats on your maturity and outlook on this situation. It can't be easy.

About your letter:

First off, remove the CAPS. It's confrontational, and you don't want to come across as accusatory to your employer. You're dealing with your HR people, and from what I can tell, they've been very professional. Keep the tone brief (you don't need to explain so much), matter of fact, and above all cordial/friendly. Letting them know how valuable you are to the company is a good thing.

Remember, assuming your work is up to snuff, if you're in compliance with what your HR folks direct, you're fine. Around your co-workers, don't stress about who's talking behind your back, it's counterproductive. Just work hard, be cool with everyone, and they'll come around. If not, document everything, and make a trip up to HR.

I don't live in Allentown, PA, so don't know the laws there, but I'd take a look at what kind of anti-discrimination laws are on the books in your area. I'm not saying you'll ever need a lawyer, but it's good to know what your rights are. If you can't find what you need online, the clerk at your local government building should be able to guide you.

Good luck!

[Jamie001]

It is interesting that if you were a woman wearing suits or other male attire to work, this conversation would never have happened. You may want to mention the double standard to the HR person.

[kittypw GG]

It is interesting that if you were a woman wearing suits or other male attire to work, this conversation would never have happened. You may want to mention the double standard to the HR person.

Why in the world does there have to always be these stupid comment????
First a women in a suit or dress pants is NOT trying to be male. The poster is NOT trying to be male either. It is not about the clothes!!!!!

I agree to leave out the caps. When I read your letter it did sound confrontational. I thought how you started out was ok but I think simple is good. I have to tell you you did not explain what your intentions are. If I were your co-workers I would wonder why you had to dress this way for work if you are not transitioning. I guess I don't get what you are trying to do here?


Kitty

[Kelsy]

Why in the world does there have to always be these stupid comment????
First a women in a suit or dress pants is NOT trying to be male. The poster is NOT trying to be male either. It is not about the clothes!!!!!



Kitty

Thank You Kitty!!

For some It is just that a fetish for the clothes but for many others it is a life struggle to find themselves, to match what they know they really are to the physical reality!


Kimberly, I admire your courage!!

Kelsy

[Lesley Ann]

Kimberly, I agree with sister Sterling, you can always dispute what you've said, but never what you have written. With the present economic situation is this a good time to be potentially conformational? How many other members of the staff have different life styles? Personally I'd keep Mum. In the theater there's a saying think twice act once.
Kimberly I wish you all the luck in the world whatever you decide to do, but please think very carefully,
Love, Lesley Ann

[Mary Morgan]

Your letter sounds a bit like you are venting. I do not think you need to vent on, or attempt to educate the HR director. I would stick with where you are, where you are going, and thank you very much!

[BobbiJ]

You might consider thanking the HR person for approaching you personally and treating the issue in such a professional and supportive fashion. Positive strokes can go a long way.

Other than that, as long as you avoid being confrontational (and i agree with those that say "lose the caps,") and are professional and matter of fact in your presentation, i think you'll be okay.

Also, it might be useful to TELL the HR person all this instead of handing in a letter. Face-to-face communication has more impact.

Just my

Good luck.

[Vanessa Sheridan]

Kimberly,

As a transgender business consultant (who doesn't know you and has nothing to gain personally from this), I would definitely advise you to be up front with HR. If they're willing to be supportive, you should explain your situation and be honest. They already know some things, so you may as well be open about the rest. If they want to help you, you should probably take advantage of that. I wish you luck.

Vanessa Sheridan

[JoAnne Wheeler]

TRUTH is always better than DISHONESTY - but because many of us have spent a lifetime in frustration, secrecy, denial and lying, it is very hard to change - if you have accepted yourself as a crossdresser and now feel proud about it, then I would talk with the HR folks again and tell them the truth - I think they are on yourside anyway - that's my opinion for what its worth.
Love,
JoAnne Wheeler