Society's most unwanted: Old bachelors, CDers.

[Alice Torn]

Some older never married men may know what I'm talking about here, and some who are married, or were. American society, for the last 45 years or so, has been devaluing manhood,, and masculinity. The femmale energy, has in the same time, been increasingly exalted, worth far more, A certain percentage of men, for a number of reasons, did not get a chance to date, court, and marry , or experience romance, in younger years, and soon, the yearsm and decades flew by. A woman shaped void is in me, and others like this. Relationships seldom got going, another guyu always won the girl, too poor for a lady, too little contact with single woamen, etc. Great sorrow, and a sense of having missed out on one of lifes, great things, and never getting to have childres, and a wifes support. I experimented with my sister, and mom. hose, and girdles, at age 14, then did not dress at all until 42, then dressed up head to toe, at age 51. I have tried to meet women, but two or three dates, were about the most i could manage, other than the senior ladies i know, 20 years my senior. Society does not respect old bachelors much, especially, when asked if I have been married, and I say no. The plain truth, is that loner men, are very vulnerable, to depression, and sometimes one snaps once in a while, doing something destructive. Lonliness is killing a lot of loner men, who are disenfranchised to a great extent. Lonliness is the unmentionable affliction, today. I have cats, and my radios, and PC, which help. Being an old bachelor, who dresses as a lady, is not something society, would respect, and few women would look positively on it. Some of, maybe most of my dressing, is to experience what it is like to dress up like a pretty lady. "Girls just want to have fun", and, it seems many of them are more full of positive energy, and riding a wave, while the male energy, has suffered, down in the ashes. Lonliness, going days, with no real conversing with others, and mostly just small talk, to cashierrs, at stores, can make a man feel like no one cares, that he is crazy, disenfranchised. No one to converse with for days, does tend to make me unbalanced, though i do love to be alone with my cats.. We live in a colder world, than we used to, in spite of more tolerance of cd. This forum, is one place, i , and other loners can take part in. I never thought I'd own a computer. Little did I know, it would be a lifeline. Thanks for letting me share.

[battybattybats]

It is a clearly difficult situation.

Though I wonder if older women have it that much better in general society or if it's just that they may have better social support networks of friends and family because of the different nature of current societies womens friendships, their emotional openness etc? I guess that may be all that is needed to create this difference though.

And the emotional openenss needed from men for that kind of friendship is frowned upon amongst many men but also by a number of women (thankfully not all). Seen as creepy or wrong by some. And it can be difficult for people to open up to others without scaring them off if they have too much bottled up need or emotion.

To solve the problem I wonder if rather than valuing masculinity or enfranchising men what is needed is for more of society to let go their sexist attitudes towards men, to allow men to be vulnerable, to not be strong, to need and ask for help, to have feellings and express them.

The 'mens sheds' project in Australia is one project I heard of to get older men together and break down some of the walls of isolation and loneliness. I wonderwhat else can be done to further improve the situation?

[Sedona]

Thank you for sharing, and for opening up.

[Jess_cd32]

Lucille, you seem like a decent person from the posts of yours I've read over the months. Trust me there is someone out there for you, there is someone for everyone, its just finding them sometimes that is the hard part.

Have you ever thought of volunteering your time somewhere? That could not only help beat depressive feelings but could create an opportunity to meet someone as well. Glad you at least enjoy the forum, its a good home away from home isn't it.

[Magickman]

Contemporary society is advertised as "family friendly." Great, I suppose, for families, but of little aid to spinsters and bachelors.

Those without partners and families are regarded as outliers, not fitting in with the community norms.

But because not everyone is alike, some folks are happier living an alternative lifestyle.

Rather than worry about what everyone else thinks, I suggest that nonconformists enjoy their chosen life, instead of pretending to be something they are not.

[Angie G]

I've been married for 40 years I was 20 and my wife was 17. I wouldn't have wanted to spend the last 40 years without without her. I have one Brother in law that never married And I know he is lonely. You have many friends on this site if that helps I'm glad to call you my friend. You know I'm here everyday if you need you can PM me for a chat Anytime hun.
Angie

[Kate Simmons]

Everyone has a purpose Lucille and everyone is equally important in the grand scheme of things. Never forget that my friend.

[docrobbysherry]

That I was married and have one child still in school! When we divorced, my ex got almost all our friends! And family folks don't seem to want single men around! A few friends my age have now passed on. They either had grown children, or none. U could see, as they aged, a boredom and repetitiveness in their lives. Nothing new and fresh to interest them, and keep them going!

U must keep your life interesting. Or u risk being literally bored to death!
I like Jess' suggestion of getting out and joining your nearest charity or help center! Nothing improves our self esteme as much as getting out of ourselves and helping others! Try it! It may change your life! Lucille, u sound like u REALLY could use a change!! It's ALL up to u! But, remember we're here for u, if we can help!

[beenherelongtime]

there are many of us that have gone through this.

[Cary]

I'm in the same boat. If you ever need to talk,PM me.

[Alice Torn]

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate it. I have always been a helping, caretaking person, took care of a quadriplegic man for a year, gave him rides for six years, and also help strangers, when i see a situation where i can assist. I actually was burning out, serving others too much! A few people were just using me, so i finally stopped helping. Sometimes the helper becomes the hurter- codependency. My veterans social worker is trying to help me find a volunteer opportunity. Last tear, during a big flood, south of here, I donated a sleeping bag, and coats, and worked a day, helping distribute boxes. My cats are good companions. I go to a singles dance every other week. But, still, no matter how much i help, there is still the ache, of no close ladyfriend, and that if i had one, she might freak out, if she knew about the dressimg. All the gg's around my age, have been there, done that, aren't wanting to date, anyway, unless you are perfect, anyway. Kind of feel like Garfield the Cat's owner, or Dobey Gillis, from the 50's show. I know that lots of middle age men are isolated, cd's, or not. I see so many, today! There doesn't seem to be enough loving, opem, attractive single baby boomer, gg's available. Most women i ever dated, were 12, to 20 yrs my senior! Of course, we need to try to always improve ourselves , whether in male, or dressed mode. Someone once asked, "Would you marry you?" To be totally honest, probably not, but friends, maybe! I guess I, and so many others, had best be content, accept our not having SO's, do the best we can to better ourselves, do the grieving, soul searching, whatever, we need to do, if it doesn't hurt others, or ourselves. Lonliness and pain are real for so many men, and i wish society, and more gg's would acknowledge it. Is it any wonder so many loners commit so many awful crimes? It takes effort to deal with it, in a world which does not care much. Thanks for all the encouragement, and input.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You have brought out something that most people have never thought about. I suppose you could explore dating services. Maybe we ought to start a home for "older" (youth challenged) crossdressers so we would have a place to go and enjoy crossdressing in our older years
Love,
JoAnne Wheeler

[Jodi]

I must disagree. Not everyone is the same. I have been alone for the last 10 years, but I have never felt lonely. AS Sherry stated above, when my divorce occurred, my former friends disappeared. I knew I had to do something.

My solution was to get involved in other activities. For example, I do volunteer work at two different agencies. If time and energy allowed, I could volunteer at another dozen agencies. For Thanksgiving, I would have been alone. I called my local Salvation Army, and was gladly accepted as a helper for their Dinner. On Christmas, I would have been alone, but opted to cook Christmas dinner. I invited neighbors in and ended up cooking for 8 people.

One can always sit home alone and feel sorry for themselves. Or, one can do something about it. There are organizations out there that are crying for help and assistance. When you volunteer your time and energy, you meet the greatest people.

Sorry, but there is no reason to be alone if one wishes not to be alone.

Jodi

[Alice Torn]

Jodi, Thanks for sharing. I don't really disafree much with you. I am one of those, who tends to be very open about any feelings, sad, or happy. No, I don't just sit home, and feel sorry for myself. I served a quadriplegic man, for six years, giving him rides for appointments, and, have been helping a man, with one leg, who lost his wife, recently, helped widows for years, in church, gave rides, had to quit helping an alcolholic, truly lazy person, recently, clean up after the singles dance i attend, even, when i lived 50 miles away, helped a working poor married couple, recently, when I got some money from my deceased uncle. I volunteered a whole day, at a flood disaster site. Sorry i repeated all this, from earlier posting. We are all a little different, damn right!! I applaud you, Joni, if you don't get lonely anymore. A lot of men, are numbed by modern society's dictates, though. Some of us are more sensitive, and deep feeling, vulnerable, than others. Some can drink, with no problems, others can't. I can also say, that MOST of the time, I LIKE being alone. I like just my cats! But, in my case, i have never had sex with a lady, never went steady, but for one year 1986. At the veterans hospital, I see so very many hurting loner men! It is sad. Also, at singles dances. I agree with you partly, that we can't go on a non-stop pity party! But, there are times, we fragile humans need to share our sadness, too. The book, says at the beginning, that it was not good for the man to be alone. I think it meant ALL the time!

[Jess_cd32]

Lucille, I had the feeling you had some good human qualities about you but my God, not that many, wow! We should call you 'Saint Lucille' for all the people that you've helped out, that says a lot about you.

From what you've said it's making me think that phrase 'no good deed goes unpunished' is really applying to you for some reason, it applies to me and others enough as well. Its about time though that you have something good happen for you now.

Thats a shame anyone would take advantage of your good intentions but some will, thats a fact of life. The ones that never would, and appreciate anything you do for them generally have 4 paws, those get my help the most
The last person I took in and helped would have burnt my house down if I let them stay

Somewhere out there is the perfect woman for you, I'm suggesting maybe try a dating site and definatly list your deeds to some extent, thats very appealing to a lot of women. Another thing that some would find very, and I mean very appealing, is that you've never been with another. Creativly I'd say if you placed an add that "you've been saving yourself for the right one", trust me on that one, you'll have more emails than you can handle

Good luck Lucille, hope you find the happiness you richly deserve

[Jennifer_Cross]

I'm with Jess on this one.... Married twice (through no fault of my own) several GG's through life... it take some time to find a "special" one but it can be done.

Get out and meet... gain some confidance in yourself and you will be amazed how things can turn arround.

Jen

[Tamara Croft]

I never thought I'd own a computer. Little did I know, it would be a lifeline.

I can understand that, without going into too much detail, getting a computer in 98 was the best thing I could ever have done, it was like a new world had opened up, so I can totally relate to that We should be thanking you for opening up and sharing with us

[Alice Torn]

Thanks again to everyone, for your posts, and input! Joni, i re-read your post, and it is good advice. You are a true volunteer, with a good heart, and you are right. I am sure all of you have done a lot of service, and sacrificing, and more, than i have. I did a lot of it, because of ego, and to look good, but some, out of lonliness, or to make myself useful. I got off topic, a lot! Society tending to look down on older bachelors, also cd's was the main point. I

[Anne-Marie]

I must disagree. Not everyone is the same. I have been alone for the last 10 years, but I have never felt lonely. AS Sherry stated above, when my divorce occurred, my former friends disappeared. I knew I had to do something.

My solution was to get involved in other activities. For example, I do volunteer work at two different agencies. If time and energy allowed, I could volunteer at another dozen agencies. For Thanksgiving, I would have been alone. I called my local Salvation Army, and was gladly accepted as a helper for their Dinner. On Christmas, I would have been alone, but opted to cook Christmas dinner. I invited neighbors in and ended up cooking for 8 people.

One can always sit home alone and feel sorry for themselves. Or, one can do something about it. There are organizations out there that are crying for help and assistance. When you volunteer your time and energy, you meet the greatest people.

Sorry, but there is no reason to be alone if one wishes not to be alone.

Jodi

Sorry Jodi but I do not agree. In my job as a mental health practitioner I meet many people who are not able to be involved in voluntary activities due to disabillity and are very lonley. Other people are not able to volunteer as they have physical disabiities that may for example mean they are house bound. They may have carers going in a few times a day but that is not the type of meaningful human contact that stops someone feeling alone, issolated and perhaps clinically depressed.

Also it is very possible to have the feeling of being alone despite not actually being alone and this is just as much of a problem as being physically alone.

Lucille,

whilst I do agree that in general, there as been severe and often undesirable effects on the male population in many western capitalist societies caused by the shift in social dynamics that have resulted in women being able to be more independant together with an increase is opportunities for women in many areas of life and a consequential reduction not only in opportunities for males but also a lowering in social status of men generally. I do feel that you are looking at the female situation with an air of the grass being greener on the other side. Many GG's feel just as alone as you yourself seem to feel.

Looking at your sitution from the things you say in your post. Do I understand you correctly. You are using cross dressing to try and create the perception of feminity in your life as a substitute for an actual physical female. It seems that you are not driven to dressing in the way that I for one feels, but rather for you dressing lifestyle choice as you so deeply desire female companionship. If this is the case the thing that is most likely to make you truely happy is actual female companionship. In this case, I can't help but feel that your cross dressing has become more a part of your overall problem rather than a part of the solution - sorry to be so blunt hun but I think you need to refous your attentions.

[Lainie]

or three...
Churches are ready-made communities you can join, and gradually get to know a variety of people. If you canlt stomach the belief system in theist churches, look for the local Unitarian Universalist Congregation. They-we, actually-don't require any specific belief in god, although there are some theists in the group. Also many congrgations have made the effort to be certified as "welcoming", which means specifically that they are open to GLBTQs-and of course, are also welcoming judt in plain English