Is it just me? please read with caution

[curse within]

Is it just me ??? Am I the only one on this board that has a negitive attitude about crossdressing?? I'd first like to say that if you are happy about dressing and expressing yourself or trying to pass yourself as a female, knock yourself out... I am only communicating through a piece of plastic going out somewhere in never never land... Why would I care?? Not like I would ever met or judge anyone in person anyways to impact anyones life.

This is a place where people can gain support for Crossdressing , I've learned that as I went along, this place meaning MTF forum...I thought I was mis lead after I joined this site but started to get the picture as I progressed,yes I am a little slow..

Facts about me or people like me who will not accept Crossdressing but can't always control the urges.

1. We stay in the closet , do not wish to be seen most of the time by anyone.

2. We perfer not to go by a female name and wish not to be adressed as a she.

3. We feel quilt , shamed and depressed after we dress.

4. We do not wear bras,forms,makeup or shave in areas that females are known to shave..

5. Dressing is sometimes or most times a sexual fetish.

6. Have nothing in common with most in this MTF forum, because we do not want to be females or act out being females.

I am sure there are many more facts I am just wondering why there isn't a support forum for the closet CDers we need support but of a different nature. I am Just curious for those who lurk, IS IT JUST ME???

THIS THREAD IS FOR THOSE WHO I HAVE DIRECTED IT TO, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE SO THOSE WHO THIS ISN'T DIRECTED TO PLEASE DON'T GET YOUR KNICKERS IN A TWIST.

C.W.

[StephanieT]

You are just another variation of those who belong here. Welcome to the varying world of crossdressers. Just enjoy who you are.

[sissystephanie]

Dear Curse Within,

Your thread certainly was not directed at me, as I love being a MTF CD. But I think it deserves an answer anyway.

I have read your posts on other threads, and there seems to be an ongoing flow of negativity in your thoughts. What is going on in your life that brings on such a tremendous amount of negative thinking? Not my business, I know, I just want you to think about your attitude. If you dislike dressing so much, why do you do it? Being a CD is not something you were born with! We dress because we like to! At least most of do. Some, a few, do it for sexual reasons or because they really want to become a woman. But IMHO the greater number of us do it simply because we like to. And don't tell you cannot stop. Yes you can, if you really want to! I did stop cold turkey some years ago. Purged everything and did not dress for several years. So why am I dressing now, you ask? Because my wife missed Stephanie, that's why! She literally begged me to start dressing again, even to the point of spending her own money to buy me new clothes.

Many CD's stay in the closet, for any number of reasons. And many do not adopt feminine names or make themselves look like females. But they are still happy with what the things they do! Since my wife passed away I never wear my wig, and rarely use makeup. But I still dress and go out in public! I just don't care how others see me, except for my two grown children.

So what is your reason for being so negative? Whatever it is, I still like and respect you as a person!! I just feel sorry for you!

[Kimberly Marie Kelly]

By that I mean that most CD'ers begin where your at, dressing up but feeling guilty, being ashamed, doing it for sexual thrills but in time that changes to being or wanting to be a woman. Most of the time Cd'ers are in a sort of denial about being TS and it takes years, sometimes decades before their thoughts and feelings are sorted out.

In my case I was a crossdresser for well over 40 years and was ashamed of myself, but couldn't stop. The last several years I've come to understand that I'm TS and would prefer to be a woman. So my thoughts have shifted now to how far I want to transition, just wearing the clothes and presenting as a woman or going further by doing Hormone therapy or SRS. That's where I'm at right now..

[Karren H]

Yeah... I'd say it's just you.... but I've had those felings many eons ago but once I accepted that doing what I was driven to do was not bad or wrong and wan't going away ever, I accepted it and moved on without questioning why!! And life got better and crossdressing became fun!!!

[BekiJ]

The reason I think it seems to you that there is no support out there for closet CDs is because those not in the closet are “out there” in more ways than a dress. I suspect that they are extroverts, and are more likely to participate in a forum like this.

Those of us in the closet are either introverts ( I plead guilty) or very fearful of the results of not being in the closet, or both(yup, guilty again). We tend not to be very expressive.

I have read several threads, and thought I would respond. But I did not. Enough had already been said, and anything I had to add would have been repetitive. Others in the “out there” category would have posted, and not given it a second thought.

As for not having anything in common with “most in this MTF forum,” ya wear women’s clothes, don't ya?

Read the forums. If it fits, accept it. If it does not fit, reject it. Clothes or ideas.

Hugs
BekiJ

[curse within]

Sissy,

Really...No need to feel sorry for me we all sometimes die of our own swords..For replying ,you do deserve an answer, I'll give it my best shot even though I sometimes I have a hard time putting my thoughts into words.

As early as I can remember these natural feelings, to desire to wear female clothing , have been with me... Being young and not Knowing the way of soceity acceptance I would wonder into my younger sisters room and start wearing here clothing without caring who seen me..After a few times and being treated the way I was by my mother and stepfather could have lead to the start of my rejections towards Crossdressing, it wasn't pretty.

Then as I hit my teenage years I hid my dressing which wasn't often and were very short bouts because of how risky is was to have been caught. After that I met my wife and told her about my urges to dress a little more than a year into our relationship, she particapated a few times then made it clear to me that she did not want any part of it, she made the boundries clear, so came another 20 years of rejection and being deeper into the closet.. She knew I still did it ,not often , not like most in here and not that in depth.. But it was smeared in my face, been called the root of our marriage problems and the end of our marriage even tho I never dressed in front of her after she laid the boundries down.

So I was raised to reject it, soceity doesn't accept it..It was called the reason for ending my marriage.. Why do I do it if I hate it so much?? I wish I could answer, why do any of us do it? If I knew why, I sure wouldn't be in here talking about it...

Thanks for you concern I hope I answered you.

C.W.

[Jo-Michelle]

I think there are many forms of crossdressing. This forum seems to welcome all of them. My opinion if you like to wear any type of womens apperal, in or out of the closet, and for what ever reason, you are a crossdresser.
I'm a crossdreser, I love it and if your one then we have something in common. I don't care whos in or out of the closet, who goes out in public full dress, or who just occasionally wears panties for sexual gratification. We share a common interest and at times would like to talk with others about this common interest. I see that as what this forum is about.

[Jacqui]

Hey, curse, you are definately not alone.

I suspect, as you indicated, that most closeteers are not active participants. The term "lurker" sounds like it has a negative connotation, so I will not use it, even though I just did, but I can easily understand the reluctance of people in the closet to open the door just to peek. It is our nature to be totally paranoid about anybody finding out about us...otherwise we wouldn't be in the closet to begin with.

I, myself, made a decision to come out of the closet communicatively in this forum. Whatever internal pressures, guilt, etc that is bottled up inside become less intense when letting out steam. It is a bit therapeutic for me.

One way in which I think I've been helped is in losing the negative attitude that you refer to concerning cd'ing. But I can understand that through the pressures of society, this may not be an honorable past-time. I am willing to let people have their own opinions about this without proselytizing.

There are as many levels of cd'ing as there are cd's. As you describe yourself, it appears that you like to wear female attire of some kind for some purposes that are important to you. IMHO, that is the classic definition of CDing.

The ones in this forum who you think you have nothing in common with because they do want to be addressed by their female name, they do wear bras, forms, makeup, and shave themselves, and they do want to be or act female...these people may consider themselves CD'ers like yourself, but they are on another level which borders on or includes TG/TS'ism.
Whether they want to admit it to themselves or not, once the makeup goes on, it has little to do with how the clothes feel.

The big issue is really "In" or "Out." Those who are Out or trying to get Out need a different kind of support than those who are In, trying to stay In, or maybe thinking of coming Out. There shouldn't be a conflict between the Ins and the Outs, but often there is. There shouldn't be characterizations of those in the closet based on their personal relationships and opinions by others who have chosen to put it all on the line.

Curse, you have my support for whatever it is you want (as long as it's legal and it doesn't hurt anyone), and I hope that there are a multitude of passive readers that are nodding their heads in agreement.

However, by their very nature, we will never know.

Jacqui

[curse within]

I must say as I have so many times ..You all are very supportive problem is not the kind I need.. I doubt I will ever find that sort of support, I know it is hard to understand where I am coming from with this thread...

To me Crossdressing is like a drug addiction I am not a junkie but I think I have to do it... To most in here Crossdressing is better than money and they can't have enough until they are the prettiest girl ...See the difference?? I really thank you all for your support but my kind of support is why I hate it so much not why I love it so much.. I will never change I will never leave the closet even if accepted in soceity.. I am more male by far than female but sometimes that bit*h gets in my way.

Thanks all

C.W.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Curse;

You asked, so hear is my . Yes you seem very negative, most , NOT all of the time. You seem to have a very low self esteem level. I understand this because I've been there. I would highly reccomend some reading material.

My Husband Betty
The Feeling Good Handbook by David D. Burns
Depression for Dummies by Laura L.Smith
Get Out of Your Mind & Into Your Life by Steven Hays
Living Beauty by Bobbie Brown
Glamour's Big book of Do's and Dont's by Glamour Magazine
Peanuts by Charles Shultz

and if (don't be offended, because I don't know) you are addicted to something like internet porn, then a 12 step book like.

Every Mans Battle

I would be glad to talk to you about any of these books.

Kelly

P.S. I am CONVINCED rerun became a crossdresser in Peanuts.
I think that is you read these 25 times it will change your outlook on life.


Kelly

[curse within]

Thanks Kelly and no I have no desires torwards porn at all...Odd huh never really found it entertaining to look at inked images to get my gote and seeing other doing it while I am not only makes me jealous ..I do get depressed because I dress only , no it's not daily or even weekly but it happens .. The part is after dressing it just doesn't feel right and I have felt that way for years. My level of dressing or desires have not change and are not growing after 37 years of dressing maybe longer I think I have peaked... I have no desires into furthering it..


I just posted this thread not to whine,not for anyone to feel sorry for me but to see if others who may visit here and never speak up, feel the same as I? That all please this isn't meant to judge or offend anyone and I hope it isn't taken that way.. If anything maybe more of the memebers can understand me better.

C.W.

[MissConstrued]

The way I see it, if you're going to keep doing something you feel guilty about, you should do one of two things:

1 -- Stop doing whatever it is, or

2 -- Stop feeling guilty about it.

Otherwise, you're just driving yourself barking mad.

Personally, I've opted for #2. I know it sounds trite, as if we could suddenly switch off that guilt thing. It's not easy. Some things take a long time. I could spout off a lot of mindless psychobabble, but I hate psychobabble. You'll find a way.

[curse within]

Your right Miss....If only I can find that on off switch...I guess I must have combined acceptance when I lost denial...I have no choice but to accept crossdressing and never denied the fact I do it ,I know your not saying that don't get me wrong I am not quoteing you at all.. I am just trying to explain sometimes when you accept something that you have little control over because I know only I put those clothes on, nobody forces me to do it. But I know the price I pay if I don't in time ,we have all been there, that doesn't turn off the individuales quilt..

Are most of us accepting crossdressing or learning to live with it?? Million dollar question in which I am sure would be a divided answer...It has no place in my life, but it sure seems to find a way in..

Thanks Miss for the post..

C.W.

[Tracii G]

CW you seem to put blame for your stuation on your upbringing.Lord knows I came from a big homophobic family.Boys didn't dress in womens clothes ever.
Maybe its time to cut the ties and leave that negativity behind you.
Let the real you out (at your own speed)and see if that helps.
Negative thoughts bring on negative energy and that affects everything and everyone around you.Once you learn to harness the positive energy things get much better.
I don't say this lightly I lived in a very violent world for a long time pissed at the world for causing me so much pain and hardship.
I was deep in the gang life, drugs, beating the dog snot out of people for no reason.In the Army it was my job to kill everything in my path and feel no remorse. So yes I have come a long way out of a very dark hole of a life.
It took a while to grasp the concept that I and I alone had the power to change every thing around me and rid myself of the negative energy surrounding me .All done with positive energy and the help of a very wise very old American Indian friend to which I am eternally grateful.Thank you Bright Moon my friend.
Remember only you have the power to change your world.
Emk I'm done here typing is hard work!

[Tracii G]

FWIW being a two tiered person is in some parts of the world is considered to be a very special thing.
Accept who you are and improve from the inside.

[curse within]

Thanks Traci , A very thoughtful reply. I have on several times thought that was the reason for my rejection to( the familiy) fully accepting, but it's not ..Until a few months ago I really didn't know why I rejected it, then it hit me as I was reading some post in here..I just couldn't relate to a lot of them , how girly some post are. I'm looking at the whole MTF section, it has everything and anything positive to promoteing crossdressing but nothing negetive for those who choose not to have the so called gift but are stuck with it..

So as I said I like rejecting it I want to be 100 percent male..Hell I try to reduce my chest ( man boobs) by working out . If I could take a pill to keep that bit*h away I would then and only then it would be a choice .But as of today I have not found one so rejection is my only option..

[Satrana]

3. We feel quilt , shamed and depressed after we dress.

Which is why this site is exactly what you need. Anyone who feels guilt over a harmless behavior needs to overcome this internalized feeling by spending time with those who have already tred that path. Stay here and mingle for 1-2 years and slowly your thoughts will be re-orientated to a more accepting position which will then provide you with the confidence and motivation needed to complete the journey yourself.

Everyone changes over time. You can help shape your own changes by choosing the right companionship. Unless of course you enjoy being miserable!

BTW the fact that you are a member here actually says a lot about you. You are searching for understanding, acceptance and friendship. You are just not ready to admit that to yourself. If you really were the person you listed in your 6 points then you would never have joined this site. Think about it.

[Emily01]

terribly interesting thread.

on the one hand i relate quite a bit while on the other not one whit.

where i relate is this: the idea of shame and guilt. had that for many years and to some extent still do (say for example the idea of being outed publicly and bringing embarrassment to my wife and kids). i also relate to the relentlessness of the desire to dress and the wishing it just wasn't there to complicate my life and steal time from other pursuits.

where i don't relate is not working through those issues to find some modicum of peace and serenity. at the end of the day - and i REALLY mean the END of YOUR LAST DAY - what darn difference will all of this angst, frustration, and self-flagellation make? will your headstone say "He Beat Himself About the Head Over What He Saw as His Shortcomings"?

acceptance doesn't mean approval. you and i can accept what and who we are without saying "and hey, isn't that a great thing!" (though today i oftentimes feel blessed by it)

the themes that seem to resonate in your words - shame, self-loathing, and disgust - these i am familiar with (things were a whole lot different when i wore my mother's panties for the first time at age 7 in 1958) - but what of the idea that to your own self be true? what of being genuine and authentic people rather than a poor reflection of what we think the larger world wants from us?

frankly, and i say this with affection, i think most of your issues are the result of an overactive mind operating on too little information using a yardstick made of some tyrants idea of morality.

Pogo might have got it right; I have met the enemy and he is us.

warmest regards and best wishes.

[Tracii G]

I see now CW you feel the CD thing as something you wish had not been given.Maybe it was given to you for a reason whos to say.
I understand about the urge to dress and trying to supress that urge.
Maybe a gender therapist could help you find the root cause of your dysphoira
and help you to stop.Worth a try.
I have a clear path in life and it feels pretty good.
I do hope you can sort it all out good luck with it.
Pogo what a great comic strip.

[Olivia2]

You are definitely not alone. For the most part I feel the same way you do but try not to take such a negative tone-for example, calling it the "Curse within". Although I often wish I never had the urge to dress to begin with, I do believe it has made me much more open minded and empathetic to other people's struggles.

I too have looked at the urge at times as an addiction and have attended sex addicts anonymous meetings where I found acceptance, even though most attendees' sexual addictions are different. It might be a problem if it interferes in your daily life, or is more important than the relationships (or marriage) in your life. Only you can make that determination.

I've also shared about myself at some men's groups. You can find them in your area by looking on the web for men's support groups. One of many organizations worth looking into is the Mankind Project with chapters in most cities.

I would love to have a face to face support group where those of us who cross dress could just share about our feelings-the goal would not be to learn how to dress more passably. There are plenty of groups out there for that already. Attendees would be encouraged but not required to come "in drab" and those who wish to quit or reduce their frequency would be supported as well as those who are happy in their current circumstances. I think there is a real shortage of places where men can just be open and supportive of one another without shame.

I'm happy to share more about this anytime. Although this is my first post, I very much appreciate the support of this group.

"Curse" you might want to check out this blog, which has been posted on this group in another thread a few months ago: http://ybatv.blogspot.com/

Hang in there.

[Joanne f]

Everyone deserves support and i think it would be a sad thing if it was said that the only one`s who need support are the ones who have come out of the closet, that would be stupid as there are many reasons to stay in it as there are also reason`s to come out of it .
If someone wants to stay in the closet they should not feel bad or made to feel bad as i have heard it said many times " i can`t understand why they are in there" that in my opinion is sending out a negative attitude and in a lot of case`s it makes people feel like they should not be here and joining in as they have valued points and experience`s to share.

[Kelsy]

Self loathing was my MO for many years! I didn't understand myself, hated what I did, was afraid and wished for "normalcy"! Sex was a part of my urges early on and that only added to my self revulsion. The secret was killing me!
It wasn't until I was discovered and finally had the nads to admit to what I was, did things begin to change. Now with accepting myself and an accepting wife I have come to terms with my own trangenderedness and the self hate is gone. I am happy and feel I am belessed to be this way!

Kelsy

[Paulacder]

It must be you. I can not relate to any of your facts that you listed....Sorry.

[Kate Simmons]

Crossdressing is like a two-edged sword my friend that can cut both ways. The real trick is to use it to our advantage to learn about ourselves. The skill is acquired by not letting the sword cut us on the backswing. If we are afraid to be cut, however, we will never learn that skill.