Is it just me? please read with caution

[Jennifer Giovannetta]

I can understand where you are coming from Curse. Some of the guilt you feel may be associated with the troubles that crossdressing has brought you. A while back I used to feel guilty about my crossdressing habits. But now I accept it and embrace it. I once purged my clothing approximately 13 years ago, and I am still kicking myself over it. Back then I did not have a complete understanding of crossdressing. Since then I have been able to find out alot about crossdressing by reading books, participating in this forum and checking out other crossdressing related websites. IMHO you are being way too hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over the fact that you like to wear womens clothing. Be positive about it. If you enjoy it then do so. And dont compare yourself with other people. Telling yourself that what you are doing is wrong is doing no good whatsoever.

[Schatten Lupus]

I must say as I have so many times ..You all are very supportive problem is not the kind I need.. I doubt I will ever find that sort of support, I know it is hard to understand where I am coming from with this thread...

To me Crossdressing is like a drug addiction I am not a junkie but I think I have to do it... To most in here Crossdressing is better than money and they can't have enough until they are the prettiest girl ...See the difference?? I really thank you all for your support but my kind of support is why I hate it so much not why I love it so much.. I will never change I will never leave the closet even if accepted in soceity.. I am more male by far than female but sometimes that bit*h gets in my way.

That is exactly how I used to feel. For me, when I started to really hate being trans was just after I first admited to myself that that's probably what I am. And for years, I struggled with an internal conflict that just eventually grew tiring. Maybe it was because of my size and very male appearance, or the image I had projected myself as over the years, but I determined that my male side would win out in the end. Just every once in awhile I would get urges, and that I would begin a transition. And then my "normal self" would kick in, and I would go back to the denial.
And after I finally gave in, with the struggle now seeming pointless, I started to feel less depressed about it. And it seems to me that even just alittle indulgence can make a difference.

I would say you just need to find what your level acceptance is. Some people live just fine with just acknowledging the fact to themselves. They have no dessire to transition, or do any crossdressing, but they don't deny it. Others are satisfied dressing up some to fully dressed only at home, while some are dressed at home and out. And some people will have full transition to be able to live with themselves. And there are still many different levels inbetween.
Spend some time soul searching. And don't be ashamed. It's no more abnormal than homosexuality, and has been documented in cultures throughout history, in which some cultures crossdressers and transsexuals were held in high regards.
Alot of men who are not even crossdressers try on a pair of bra and panties, tuck their dick, and fantasize.

[deja true]

Well, ya know what, curse? You can stop dressing and it's as easy as giving yourself over to one of those church related anti-trans groups for "reprogramming". How's a little aversion therapy sound to make you even more disgusted with yourself than you already are?

Come on, kiddo, stop with the self-loathing. Have you ever really hurt anyone else besides yourself? Broken any laws by wearing a dress? Think you've condemned yourself to everlasting hell-fire for masturbating while wearing panties? Get over it!

See a shrink if you need to to. (Think you're too much of a man to do that? If so, then you're not. You're a coward.)

Sorry, it's harsh! But, hunny, you're beating yourself up over something that means squat in the big scheme of things.

Do something nice for someone else...anybody else! Get your mind off yourself, ffs!

[melissacd]

Curse,

When I first joined this forum I too was looking for a cure, looking for a way to stop this thing that I did, that was causing so much upheaval in my life. That was back in 2004.

It is now 2009 and I embrace this part of myself. It has cost me a lot (a 25 year relationship for example), however, it has brought me closer to myself and has given me a great sense of peace and contentment that I have not known for a long time. It has also allowed me to confront the issues in my life more directly. I still suffer from the losses and from the pains that I created in my life through so many years of denial but at least now I acknowledge this important part of who I am and can move forward to build a life that is more authentic.

Huggs
Melissa

[Leanne2]

Hi CW. Thank you for being so truthful in your posts. We have to remember that our unique situations are welcomed by some of us and loathed by others. But we are still in the same boat. Some of us enjoy the ride while others only get sea sick.
Crossdressing has caused me much anguish and grief in my 59 years. But I have made my peace with it and am much happier now.
I'm sorry that you were treated poorly by members of your family. I had a son that was a bed wetter until the age of ten. We dealt with the problem in a kind and considerate way; trying every possible solution. Finally we took him to a chiropractor for an adjustment. He never wet the bed again. I wonder how it would have affected him if we had berated him for his "bad behavior."
Now we all know that cross dressing can't be "cured" by a twist of the bones. It's more complicated than that. I've come to think of it as a gift for me. But I didn't always think this way. Good luck on your journey to figure out what this condition means for you. Leanne

[JennSC]

Honey, We are all on a journey. No, I don't go out dressed NEAR as much as I like. Yes, as some point in my adolescent this became a sexual fetish, and remained so through my 20s. But now, I am finally beginning to accept that the fem part of me is ME! I am becoming more and more of the male part of me, even when dressed in that personna. Where will it lead? Who knows. All I know is that I am committed to the journey now. I FINALLY accept this part of me and see her as an equal to him. A sort of internal women's lib!

Stay on the journey and stay true to who you are!

XO to you all for being there,
Jenn

[curse within]

I am happy to see there are some who can relate. Please once again don't get me wrong on this thread..Everyone who has replied as well as this whole Forum are very supportive and I will say that til I am blue to my face..

I have seen this time after time though it is on going, maybe too supportive ? The type of support I am looking for not only for myself but curious if OTHERS ARE LOOKING FOR THE SAME. Is not the pros of Crossdressing we all know those but the cons of crossdressing those of us who feel cursed.

I know most here have been through the "journey" trust me I have been there ..Being a genetic male and the reason for this Thread is I want to stay true to my sex not become or accept the burden that is a daily ,weekly battle.

Now I know a lot of you have been through it and feel it is a phase I am going through ,you tell me it is a normal to feel the way I do in rejecting the desires. It is hard to explain maybe I am the freak I don't know all I can say is that after the deed of the on going nagging pestering urge of that female wanting to burst out of me succeeds , I hate myself for giving in I have always felt that way and I see no end in site.

I have seen a therapist wasn't any help

Thank you

CW

[JoAnne Wheeler]

Crossdressing covers a very wide spectrum of people - we all have different needs and different satisfaction levels - what I like and what you like may differ, but we are still all crossdressers
JoAnne Wheeler

[Joanne f]

You say that you hate yourself for giving in, so why do you think it is so wrong for you to enjoy something that is doing no harm to anyone else.

[JulieK1980]

terribly interesting thread.

on the one hand i relate quite a bit while on the other not one whit.

where i relate is this: the idea of shame and guilt. had that for many years and to some extent still do (say for example the idea of being outed publicly and bringing embarrassment to my wife and kids). i also relate to the relentlessness of the desire to dress and the wishing it just wasn't there to complicate my life and steal time from other pursuits.

where i don't relate is not working through those issues to find some modicum of peace and serenity. at the end of the day - and i REALLY mean the END of YOUR LAST DAY - what darn difference will all of this angst, frustration, and self-flagellation make? will your headstone say "He Beat Himself About the Head Over What He Saw as His Shortcomings"?

acceptance doesn't mean approval. you and i can accept what and who we are without saying "and hey, isn't that a great thing!" (though today i oftentimes feel blessed by it)

the themes that seem to resonate in your words - shame, self-loathing, and disgust - these i am familiar with (things were a whole lot different when i wore my mother's panties for the first time at age 7 in 1958) - but what of the idea that to your own self be true? what of being genuine and authentic people rather than a poor reflection of what we think the larger world wants from us?

frankly, and i say this with affection, i think most of your issues are the result of an overactive mind operating on too little information using a yardstick made of some tyrants idea of morality.

Pogo might have got it right; I have met the enemy and he is us.

warmest regards and best wishes.

This basically sums up my own thoughts. Quite bluntly, you just HAVE to accept it. Since you already said you can't stop your self, there is no gain from all the self loathing. I feel for you as it took me quite a few years to come to this realization, but after awhile, you just realize there is nothing to gain from beating yourself up over it. If you don't find an inner peace with yourself and acceptance for the things you cannot change than you will never find happiness.

If this site did have the negative aspects to it, that you seem to want, I wouldn't be a member here. While there are plenty of "real" issues in the threads here, if you focus on the negativity of it, and simply vent about your own frustrations of CD'ing then you really aren't being productive to improve yourself. I hope I don't sound harsh, as its not meant to be. Simply giving my two cents on the topic.

*edit* just a thought, but it seems a lot like what you want is similar to the way people with chronic depression inflict harm on themselves. The way some cut themselves, and scratch themselves. It seems like you are looking for the same feeling from verbally attacking what you percieve as the source of your issues.

[Ressie]

Well, ya know what, curse? You can stop dressing and it's as easy as giving yourself over to one of those church related anti-trans groups for "reprogramming". How's a little aversion therapy sound to make you even more disgusted with yourself than you already are?

Come on, kiddo, stop with the self-loathing. Have you ever really hurt anyone else besides yourself? Broken any laws by wearing a dress? Think you've condemned yourself to everlasting hell-fire for masturbating while wearing panties? Get over it!

See a shrink if you need to to. (Think you're too much of a man to do that? If so, then you're not. You're a coward.)

Sorry, it's harsh! But, hunny, you're beating yourself up over something that means squat in the big scheme of things.

Do something nice for someone else...anybody else! Get your mind off yourself, ffs!

I've felt the guilt that CW is talking about. I'm also in the closet. I feel the addiction part too. I've gone long periods of time without putting on one article of fem clothing. For myself and CW I think this is obsessive compulsion. Anything can set it off. A TV commercial, walking near the women's dept., seeing panties on the floor, etc.

Why the guilt? Could it be upbringing? Guilt is kind of related to fear. Afraid what people will think, fear of going to hell, fear of what you're doing to yourself, your mind and soul. Are these fears rational or not? It's part being OCD according to the description of transvestism in the old school psyche books. If there's no compulsion to crossdress why do it?

Compulsive liars felt guilt when they told their first lies, but after a while the guilt was gone yet the lies got worse. I feel less guilt about CDing than I used to but still fear what family members and friends would think. We all control our own conscience where guilt and shame reside. It just feels so good to put on something silky and looking in the mirror, how can I stop for the rest of my life?

[MelodyS.]

I also have felt the guilt and shame. I have purged a couple of times, as a matter of fact, I am just coming back from a mental purge (I did not trash the clothes this time)

I get nervous, even get sick to my stomach after I dress sometimes. It is a feeling that is slowly going away with time, but I still get it. Why I get that feeling, I don't think I will ever know, and at this point, I really don't care to know why I get it. I like to dress and look like a woman, I don't know why, I just do. I don't want to get the sex change, I just want to dress every now and then. I have no desire to transition to a female, but I would like to look as close to being one as possible.

I am very in the closet, I would like to go out eventually with others complety dressed up, but for now, I am comfortable in the closet.

CW, just take a deep breath, there are others that feel like you. If you want to quit, you can do it as well. I have compared my dressing to smoking, but without the dangers of it. It just takes willpower to quit.

[chrerrywine]

To Start with Please excues me if I'm intruding on your forum. I am a GG but just wanted to say I think your right. I think that the MTF should have their own private forum and also the closet dressers. This site is called crossdresser yet they are the only ones not to have their own private forum with invitation only such as the GG have or is this site called GG's . Sorry I just feel that if GG's can have a private forum with invitation only why don't the rest of the groups. Are GG's the only one's allowed privacy in what they feel and think. I am amber 07's fiancee and wish that she would come back to the site. Thank you for letting me speak...chrerrywine

[Kelsy]

If you want to quit, you can do it as well. I have compared my dressing to smoking, but without the dangers of it. It just takes willpower to quit.

Is that possible?? I have been dressing for 45 years and tried many many times to let go of this "addiction" and have never been able to shake it!

For me, it would be like trying to eradicate half of my personality, half of my brain, I would not be complete with out it. If there is a way to quit I would like to hear it.
perhaps that is all it is-- an addiction!!

Kelsy

[Cassia-Marie]

Wow, deja! As a good friend of mine was fond of saying, "If poking them with the 'Rapier of Truth' doesn't work, then hit them upside the head with 'Baseball Bat of Reality'"

When I was very young (pre-adolescent) I had a fondness for women's clothing but was shamed by my parents so I felt guilty about it.

In my adolescent years, I got sexual gratification from wearing women's clothes but felt guilt afterwards as well as lonely and, well, kind of disgusted with myself and had thoughts like: "Why am I such a loser that I can't get my own girlfriend? Why do I have to pretend I'm a girl?"

After I got marred with my first wife, I felt guilty and disgusted still because I had a great sex life with someone yet I was carrying on like I did when I was a teenager.

So I quit for over 10 years.

The urges hit me again VERY strongly this past year but I guess that I've reached a point in my life where I'm more accepting of myself and others. Oddly enough, one thing that has changed, though, is that I don't really get sexually aroused when I dress now. It isn't about that kind of thrill for me anymore. Now, it's more about a completeness - a whole me - that I have. One side benefit is that I don't have to be dressed in women's clothing to feel that (although knowing I have smooth legs and arms is a nice reminder). I'm much more balanced now in the ways I deal with stress, friends, family, work, and life in general. My anger issues and feelings of guilt have subsided to the point that I don't feel like a danger to myself and those around me. Life is now pretty good!

For me, time, age, and experience have served me well. Perhaps a little more time is what you need to allow yourself. I think it's great that you're asking these questions; it shows that you care about yourself and others around you. That's a very mature and courageous thing you're doing. Keep at it. Take all the time you need. And be open to all points of view and decide for yourself who you are and what you want and need to be. Just try not to beat yourself up too much over this.

Dee3 has an interesting point about OCD. I suffered with OCD and clinical Depression for a few years before I finally reached a breaking point and landed in my doctor's office as a complete mess. If you're exhibiting any of the tell-tell symptoms of Depression or OCD, you might want to talk to your doctor about it and see if an SSRI (like Prozac) will help. It might or it might not. You won't know until you try. The nice thing about SSRI's is that there are really no bad side-effects to taking it whether you have Depression or not.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck!

[MelodyS.]

Is that possible?? I have been dressing for 45 years and tried many many times to let go of this "addiction" and have never been able to shake it!

For me, it would be like trying to eradicate half of my personality, half of my brain, I would not be complete with out it. If there is a way to quit I would like to hear it.
perhaps that is all it is-- an addiction!!

Kelsy

I guess it depends on what kind of crossdresser you are. Not all addictions are a bad thing, I happen to really like dressing. It has been a long time for me to admit that, but I do. But, I also see my dressing as an addiction, as I realize that I want to do it more and more and get more. Chocolate is another addiction I have and no way am i quiting that!

I have not found a way to quit, but I did stop for almost a full year. I came back because I missed it and decided that there is nothing wrong with me wanting to look like a woman every now and then.

[Samantha Kelsey]

Hello,

Like some others who posted on this thread I too felt exactly like you do now. Again I'd been doing the dressing in sexy bits since I was a kid. Even when I told my wife it was still no more than that. I was 49 then and had just retired from work.
I think it was after that point when things really took off. Within a year I was into al sorts of clothing and even had some of my own. The further it went the further I wanted it to go.
The marriage failed a few years later not just because of me/Samantha but it was a contributory factor.
I don't know how you feel having read some of the replies which are similar to this, maybe it appears that we are predicting impending doom for you.
As for me I found my way over the rainbow and guess what the song is right there is a land that I dreamed of and now I'm very happy being who I want to be.

[Rachaelb64]

Like many here and have stated I went thro a long period of guilt and being ashamed...... and like most I have learnt to accept myself and my crossdressing.

Yes there are still times when I wish I could just dip into my head and take out this part of me, but this feeling to is getting less and less.

You are the only person who can start dealing with your CDing, others can only support and help you. And if your limit is in the closet then, be happy stay and there.

Find you own level and be happy there and stop hating yourself for being a CDer.

[kristinacd55]

read with caution-
The people on this forum are all like snowflakes(goes with the weather out there!) all unique & different. Some in the closet, some with one foot out, some with one toe out & many all the way out. Talk about a diverse group!! I think we should celebrate all our differences & be encouraging to everyone here.

[Schatten Lupus]

Is not the pros of Crossdressing we all know those but the cons of crossdressing those of us who feel cursed.

The thing is, it really isn't a curse. While it isn't neccessarily a gift, it enables us, probably better than any other life path, to know ourselves very well.
I am sure many gays feel just as cursed at first, but we have come along way in science and medicine. We know now that being gay, a crossdresser, or trans is just as normal as a girl being born with XY chromosomes, or the many other chromosome variants in men and women.

[Ressie]

It's also been interesting on this forum to see the point of view of CDs that aren't in the closet. Some of us don't have a reason to step out, but have reasons to stay private. I think I'd love the freedom of going out in public en femme if I were passable. I've been more daring about shopping, but still do most of it out of town.

[BuffyCD]

Funny you brought this up now, cursed within...

I can relate with many of the feelings you described, No i am no longer ashamed of guilty of crossdressing, but I can see how you feel disjointed from alot of the people on this board. It seems like a vast majority are very "intense" about their need to express there feminine being.

I came to this site, after i came out to my girlfriend to read and get advice about other cders in my situation. I also came here to relate with other individuals, and participate in a community that I was a part of. Previous to my coming out, I hardly ventured on sites like this, much less joined and participated.

However, the more I navigated the site, the more I saw people who almost seemed addicted, or driven very strongly to the point of obsession about being feminine. This initially frightened me, as I for one have never wanted to be at the levels some of these guys are....ex..Going out, tucking, forms. I myself am comfortable and more then satisfied with dressing makeup and wig. The reason I was scared, is because people always talk on this board like there is a natural progression to want to become totally femme and one day venture out and regularly present as female.

At first I thought that meant that I to would naturally progress to wanting this in my life, ultimately having a destination somewhere completely south of where i wanted to be in life when I'm older. While I also realized that i will in fact be in a spot i cant see in my future anyway, I knew that the life choice of being a cder in any capacity other then what I'm currently in, was ludicrous to think about, especially considering I initially based this off others experiences.

I think this site, can be a double edged sword indeed. While it can help one to see that others are going through similar experiences, it can also open you up to a lot of questions about yourself. Questions that you may not be ready to answer, or face at all.

All this being said, i can certainly relate to you, as i have no desire to do anymore cding then i do. I am content keeping to to myself and my girlfriend, and only doing it in my spare alone time. I think this is a level that you must get to, and some point, or like others have said, you will drive yourself mad. Accept your level of comfort with cding, and filter out anything you are not comfortable with on this site....

On a side note, that may not be related but was definitely triggered by this post, I have been trying to delete my account on this board. I understand that its probably not possible to do so, as I have read the faq and emailed the moderators, but i thought i would share with you why, and i think you will see how this relates to the post...

I realize that with my career path and life, that I want to be more careful with what i have available to others online. While i love the people on this site, there are conversations that I don't want to be associated with, which i will be because I am a member of this site. I love the people on here and appreciate te support, but this is something that i feel has my best interest in responsible cding. I also am very disillusioned with the staff on this board being very rude and stiff when it came to some emails i sent them, almost belittling me and not being very helpful at all. I know this part is quite random, but i felt i had to vent on this, and let others know about my experiences with some of the moderators on this board. I mean no disrespect, and I hope i have been helpful and informative in my post to cursed within.

I have no problems with any of the people on this site, you are all great and offer a lot of help!

-B.

[DonnaT]

The problem is, CW, the type of support you want.

Many can relate to not wanting this urge we have to crossdress. A few would take the magic pill to stop if it were available. I would, as long as it did not change my personality. And I've always accepted it. Never felt guilt. But I'd still take the pill.

But there is no pill, and there is no stopping the urge. Sure some may have stopped dressing, but the urge is usually still there.

So there's really not any good advise one can offer to help you stop the urges.

They are innate. Something you were born with. Which is why most support suggests accepting it. It's not a fight you can win.

Fighting it has been known to lead to depression, alcohol and/or drug abuse, suicide.

So which is better, accepting who you are, as a whole, or the above problems?

[charlie]

Hello Curse Within!
Yes, all you say is true for you. Some of it is true for me and many others on this site. Given the chance, I would quit (it sure would be easier). However, even given your negative feelings for how the majority of the people here feel, they do give you something. This forum lets you know that many other men on this earth have the same fetish, and compunction to dress in ladies clothes and can no more control it then you can. That means something to us all. Misery loves company!

[Cassia-Marie]

After I got marred with my first wife...

LMAO! Talk about Freudian slips! I meant "married."