Is it just me? please read with caution

[Cathytg]

I understand the self-loathing. I was raised to be a very conservative Catholic boy. You have heard of the Catholics? They are the same folks that had thought pedophilia was simply sinful and could be removed with prayer. And so I prayed and hated myself for 45 years.

But as I got to reading and thinking, it became apparent that TG and CD are just aspects of my birthed self. I still had enough spirituality at the time to be certain that "God don't make junk" so I had to accept my stuff as neither good nor bad. Is a gun good or bad just sitting there in a box?

Two things that I learned that may have saved my life are that I am OK and that any judgment I make about myself needs to be set in a framework of how I am behaving and not who I am. Try not to curse your gender orientation (I did not say sexual); instead see how you might actually mine it for the gold that surely is there.

[Corsetted Nikki]

Hello CW,

I can understand that some of the more active contributors on this board are those who are more down the TG spectrum than I expect many others are. I, for example, just see my CDing as a fun, enjoyable and sexy thing to do. I have, like I expect most of us, struggled with embarrassment from time to time. However, it has been my experience that most of the embarrassment I've known has been for other's perception of me. Since my teens, I haven't had a problem with me CDing, though I am afraid of others' reactions to it. This started with my family and continues (to a lesser extent) with my wife (she knows as much as I do about Nikki).

I discovered this site in April and what it has done for me is allow me to expand my context of CDing. Before I came here, I bought lingerie, corsets and footwear. I didn't know there were a lot of us out there. I didn't know there were other resources. I hadn't considered dressing getting makeup, buying forms or a veronica 2, much less going full femme. I've now done all of these things and it was a lot of fun, but again I find myself concerned about the others around me.

Although my wife always knew about my tastes for lingerie and thigh high boots, she was pretty freaked out when she found out about my delving into wigs, makeup and dresses. She's growing with me. I choose not to share Nikki with any of my friends accept the wonderful ladies on this forum, whom I consider friends bound by a common interest. I am sure my friends would be accepted, but I just don't wish to do that.

I have accepted myself and this site allows me to keep expanding my ideas. I know I'm a guy and I'm happy being one. I love playing the female role, however. The active members on this board inspire me to improve my ability to play that role.

But I am straying from the point a bit...
The point is that I would expect the reason most vocal people on this board are so positive about their CDing is because they are in a place in their lives where either 1. they ARE free to be what they want to be (which is more girly than I choose to be) or 2. that is where they NEED to be to enjoy their lives.

Some of us are just prefer to be a bit more quiet. There are hundreds and hundreds of girls who choose to say nothing or very little for every girl to posts 5 or more times a day. These two types of people are not in the same place, and it sounds like neither are you. That's ok.

I try to add a bit of insight where I think I can be helpful or when I choose to because I like being an influential part of the communities where I frequent. You, too, have a unique voice and contribute where you believe it's wise or where you wish to.

The question you need to ask yourself is what kind of role you are seeking in this community? You have indicated that you have more of a negative perspective than what is typically shared on this board. (You might want to look at it as not sharing quite as positive perspective as others rather than negative, because as others have iterated, just by participating you are making a positive contribution to the community.) Are you happy with that role? Because there is always a need for that. It is the same need that you felt when you began this thread.

If you want to continue in this role, perhaps you can speak with the admins about setting up a new group to discuss coping with the more challenging aspects of our lifestyles. We all can concede that that life as a CDer is not always that rosy. This can be a place for you if you want it.

If you would like to adopt a different role, then I'm afraid you'll need to do a bit more soul searching, because your voice is predicated on your perspective and a change in your perspective can only brought about through hard work.

It sounds to me like you might be searching for a role in your life where you can be happy.

Many vocal people on this board have come to the end of theirs or are on the right path (which is why they sound so positive). I only hope you find yours.

I wish you luck on your journey!

Best

[Schatten Lupus]

It is hard to explain maybe I am the freak I don't know all I can say is that after the deed of the on going nagging pestering urge of that female wanting to burst out of me succeeds , I hate myself for giving in I have always felt that way and I see no end in site.

I have seen a therapist wasn't any help

There simply is no end. Should you choose to keep on fighting, it will be a life long struggle. And the struggle is tiring, and mentally straining. Many have faught, and succumbed to drug abuse/addiction, alcohol abuse, bouts of depression, and in some tragic cases, suicide.
As far as support, I'm not sure what to say. All I can suggest is to try another therapist, and don't hate yourself for being the way you are.

[Jonianne]

To Start with Please excues me if I'm intruding on your forum. I am a GG but just wanted to say I think your right. I think that the MTF should have their own private forum and also the closet dressers. This site is called crossdresser yet they are the only ones not to have their own private forum with invitation only such as the GG have or is this site called GG's . Sorry I just feel that if GG's can have a private forum with invitation only why don't the rest of the groups. Are GG's the only one's allowed privacy in what they feel and think. I am amber 07's fiancee and wish that she would come back to the site. Thank you for letting me speak...chrerrywine

Hi Chrerrywine, GG's are always very welcome to post in the MtF forum (unless the individual thread requests otherwise). Sometimes GG's bring the best support and reality-checks as well.

As far as MtF's having a private forum we do have the Private GM Forum. There are a whole varity of topics that are posted there. For example, one thread I started was "How do you take pride in yourself as a GM".

CW, my heart goes out to you because of the pain I read in your posts. I hope through the love and acceptance of others you can finally find peace in your heart.

[sissystephanie]

Is that possible?? I have been dressing for 45 years and tried many many times to let go of this "addiction" and have never been able to shake it!

For me, it would be like trying to eradicate half of my personality, half of my brain, I would not be complete with out it. If there is a way to quit I would like to hear it.
perhaps that is all it is-- an addiction!!

Kelsy

It may well be considered an "addiction!" But if so, then YES you can let it go! First you have to admit it is there, and then detirmine to get rid of it.

But....in CW's case I believe he has a very low opinion of himself! Why, I have no clue. Except maybe for the way he was raised. I did not have a real happy childhood myself. I lost my mother at age 7, my dad at age 14, and was traised by an aunt and uncle who had two children of theirwn. Guess who came first in that family? But I did have the advantage of a wise Grandmother. She taught me three things which I have made lifelong philosophys to love by. They are: The Golden Rule (you should know that one), Always believe in yourself, and only worry about the things over which you can exert control.

In my 70 plus years on this earth I have experienced many things of great joy, and an almost equal number of tragic things. The worst of course was losing my wife of almost 50 years. But through it all, those three simple things have kept me going. And they can keep you, CW and any others who think like you, going in the same manner. Why worry about how others think of the way you dress? (with the exception of your wife or SO!) You cannot change their opinion, nor should you. Lead your own life, don't let someone else do it for you!

CW, your Tag Line says it very well! As does mine. I am a man who likes to dress! Nothing more, nothing less!

[curse within]

It may well be considered an "addiction!" But if so, then YES you can let it go! First you have to admit it is there, and then detirmine to get rid of it.

But....in CW's case I believe he has a very low opinion of himself! Why, I have no clue. Except maybe for the way he was raised. I did not have a real happy childhood myself. I lost my mother at age 7, my dad at age 14, and was traised by an aunt and uncle who had two children of theirwn. Guess who came first in that family? But I did have the advantage of a wise Grandmother. She taught me three things which I have made lifelong philosophys to love by. They are: The Golden Rule (you should know that one), Always believe in yourself, and only worry about the things over which you can exert control.

In my 70 plus years on this earth I have experienced many things of great joy, and an almost equal number of tragic things. The worst of course was losing my wife of almost 50 years. But through it all, those three simple things have kept me going. And they can keep you, CW and any others who think like you, going in the same manner. Why worry about how others think of the way you dress? (with the exception of your wife or SO!) You cannot change their opinion, nor should you. Lead your own life, don't let someone else do it for you!

CW, your Tag Line says it very well! As does mine. I am a man who likes to dress! Nothing more, nothing less!

I'm sorry but no I do not have a low opinion of myself..Funny tho I do have a low opinion of Crossdressing!!..

You see thats my point no offence to anyone as I really like what you all do and how great you all support one another.. My point is are there any others here that feel the same as I do? Because to be honest with everyone my best advise or support comes from the GG's. Most people in here( that post) enjoy dressing ,thats what you support. For people like me that do not enjoy it instead of understanding when a post such as this one appears and support my wishes to stop, they want to support me to continue because that's what they choose to do themselves..That's all I am saying , we all know that it is gonna be a part of our lives til we die . But how to live with it and fight it off is the roughest part when you don't want it and will never accept it..

Thanks C.W.

[LisaM]

Curse Within,

I am not sure I can relate to how you feel because I have always felt my desires as a blessing. I guess I have always wanted to be a woman and not just dress like one. So these feelings are an essential part of me. I often think about a question that my first therapist asked me when I started with her---"If I could give you a pill and you would no longer want to be woman or dress as a woman-all of those desires would be gone. Would you take it?"

I answered no. I don't want it to ever go away.

[Leanne2]

Now I'm upset. Sure you can talk about cross dressing all you want but when you dis chocolate the discussion verges on meddling. Some things are off limits; like my waist line. Hee Hee, Leanne

[JennyII23]

I'm sorry but no I do not have a low opinion of myself..Funny tho I do have a low opinion of Crossdressing!!..

You see thats my point no offence to anyone as I really like what you all do and how great you all support one another.. My point is are there any others here that feel the same as I do? Because to be honest with everyone my best advise or support comes from the GG's. Most people in here( that post) enjoy dressing ,thats what you support. For people like me that do not enjoy it instead of understanding when a post such as this one appears and support my wishes to stop, they want to support me to continue because that's what they choose to do themselves..That's all I am saying , we all know that it is gonna be a part of our lives til we die . But how to live with it and fight it off is the roughest part when you don't want it and will never accept it..

Thanks C.W.

Good luck CW , Acceptance is the 1 st step to recovery ,in anything in life...period ,I can go on and tell about my life ,but I am at peace with my self ,lifes to short ,I am a DROWNING SERVIVOR ,and should be dead ,went 5+ minutes without breathing ,so I am soooo thankful to the Lord ,to give me a chance ,I am a caregiver to both of my parents ,and know why he saved me on that day of boat racing in 2001 ,I am on leave from work ,pops wanted to come stay with us to die ,but has pulled through good enough to get him and Mom to a beatuiful new assisted living facilty ,2 miles from us .I can go back to work , yahhhh,sorry I didn't mean to hijack ,Just wish you well

[curse within]

Curse Within,

I am not sure I can relate to how you feel because I have always felt my desires as a blessing. I guess I have always wanted to be a woman and not just dress like one. So these feelings are an essential part of me. I often think about a question that my first therapist asked me when I started with her---"If I could give you a pill and you would no longer want to be woman or dress as a woman-all of those desires would be gone. Would you take it?"

I answered no. I don't want it to ever go away.

I would overdose on the pill...Thats great you can not relate and I am very happy for you.. I feel that you expressing that was great and I understand, in fact why wouldn I even think about asking you to feel angry about yourself because you accept this in your life?. But that is you with being as honest as I can be torwards that I am happy for you there is nothing wrong with it for you.

But there is tons wrong with it for me..If it's such a great thing to do then tell me why do most of us stay in the safety of our own closets? Why do most of us NOT dress in front of our kids or our S/O's ask if we do not dress in front of them? Why do most of us do not want to be outted to friends co workers or even strangers. Why do some of us hem haw with the truth prior to a relationship over it and most women do not accept it?? Why do most of us have to get up enough courage to buy anything female related in department stores? I can keep going so to say there is nothing negetive about dressing .. Not saying you did in your post and this isn't directed to you so lease no offence, but in general.

Thanks

C.W.

[curse within]

Good luck CW , Acceptance is the 1 st step to recovery ,in anything in life...period ,I can go on and tell about my life ,but I am at peace with my self ,lifes to short ,I am a DROWNING SERVIVOR ,and should be dead ,went 5+ minutes without breathing ,so I am soooo thankful to the Lord ,to give me a chance ,I am a caregiver to both of my parents ,and know why he saved me on that day of boat racing in 2001 ,I am on leave from work ,pops wanted to come stay with us to die ,but has pulled through good enough to get him and Mom to a beatuiful new assisted living facilty ,2 miles from us .I can go back to work , yahhhh,sorry I didn't mean to hijack ,Just wish you well

Jenny that is great to survive such a event ,wow someone was looking over you..Sorry about the parents, my prayers are with them tonite.

C.W.

[LisaM]

Curse Within,

Your points are well made. I don't deny a lot of what you've written. I still get embarrassed by women's clothing. I recently ordered cosmetics on-line. My wife never asked me to quit but I did quit for 10 years. There is a great deal of pain regarding how you feel; how I feel and how others feel about this.

But I still wouldn't give it up. It makes me feel whole, complete--I don't know how to describe it. It makes me want to go back and live my life all over and transition when I was in my teens.

I guess the difference is that want and feel that I am a woman. I can't imagine living without feeling that way. I hope you can find peace. I truly know how difficult that is to do.

[JennyII23]

Jenny that is great to survive such a event ,wow someone was looking over you..Sorry about the parents, my prayers are with them tonite.

C.W.

CW a BIG THANKS ....

[Shelly67]

No matter our gender , colour , size , or personality , I think its positive not to worry fret or question ourselves indeapth .
We are what we are ....nothin more nothin less , and its pointless to try to discover any answears with feelings of guilt and uncertainty .
We must simply first learn to love ourselves and accept we are different .
Imagine a world full of clones of no character ..........

[curse within]

Yes Mistress we are who we are and Lisa thanks for the post all of you.. I guess I can't say it enough ,I am at peace with myself this Thread really isn't about me or support or the lack of. I was just curious if any other people on this site felt the same as I ? I ask this because the post in the MTF section of this forum are over 80% as a guess PRO DRESSING and another 20% if I had to guess hard times with crossdressing.

In other words if I wanted to share the joys of crossdressing this section is lucky girl, but if I share the downside or negetive feelings torwards it being a CDer myself ,91% as a guess again will point out the pro's in accepting it and get on with your journey..The world has to accept you, not you accepting the world that is the biggest support I see.. I am not saying anything is wrong with that and I'll take the 9% better than none .. I just wondered if any silent members or not came to this place unaware that it was mostly a support forum for futhering your crossdressing rather than containing it or learning to live with it in harmony with the loved ones in your life who do not understand or appreciate it as much as people in here do..

I will not hold fact to the percentages provided in this post as they were merley givin as my own estimate and no others.

C.W.

[MarcieM]

My point is are there any others here that feel the same as I do?

I understand exactly what you're saying - but you can explain it all day here and the majority of the people on this forum will be 100% clueless.
I don't feel that CD-ing is a "blessing", I hate it. I absolutely hate the fact that I have the desire to CD. Even though I'm not actively CD-ing at the present time, can I stop thinking about it? What do you think the answer is to that question?

I would also take a pill to stop all desire to CD. In a HEARTBEAT.

[curse within]

I understand exactly what you're saying - but you can explain it all day here and the majority of the people on this forum will be 100% clueless.
I don't feel that CD-ing is a "blessing", I hate it. I absolutely hate the fact that I have the desire to CD. Even though I'm not actively CD-ing at the present time, can I stop thinking about it? What do you think the answer is to that question?

I would also take a pill to stop all desire to CD. In a HEARTBEAT.

Marcie,

THANK YOU SO MUCH.. Was you like me when you found this place? I will be upfront and honest with you, I was at one of my weakest times newly seperated looking for support of the so called reason (x-dressing) and fell into what they call on here the "Pink Fog".. I came back out of it hell I didn't even know such a thing existed came back to my normal level and can now control it.

But for me dressing interferes with my daily life or it did back then and brings even more depression to me than none.. It robs my productive time , it holds me hostage in my own home ( because I will forever be in the closet) Which means no life!! Being single and a guess again 98% of the women I meet would never have anything to do with someone who x-dresses and that sucks because I am only attracted to women..

Thanks again

C.W.

[Nicki B]

I'm sorry but no I do not have a low opinion of myself..Funny tho I do have a low opinion of Crossdressing!!..

Perhaps you could explain why you have that low opinion of cd'ing - not in other people's words or feelings, but your own?


And if you don't have a low opinion of yourself - how do you explain why you do this?

[curse within]

Perhaps you could explain why you have that low opinion of cd'ing - not in other people's words or feelings, but your own?


And if you don't have a low opinion of yourself - how do you explain why you do this?

Nikki...I am sorry but I thought I pointed them out a page or two back...would you like for me to re post them?

C.W.

[Nicki B]

Nikki...I am sorry but I thought I pointed them out a page or two back...would you like for me to re post them?

C.W.

Forgive me if I missed it, but I thought you were saying why others might feel that way - which sorta sounds like what matters to you is how others might feel about a lack of 'manliness'???

Edit - just checked back - I still can't see where you say why you think the activity itself is wrong - only where others have thrown it in your face and how you wish to reject it..

I understand exactly what you're saying - but you can explain it all day here and the majority of the people on this forum will be 100% clueless.

Are you so sure? Do you really think few else here have experienced denial - why else is so much said about purging?

[Schatten Lupus]

But how to live with it and fight it off is the roughest part when you don't want it and will never accept it..

I wish you luck. I remember when I use to fight so hard. I guess the battle just lingered on too long, and I grew tired and weary.
Don't get me wrong, if there was such a magical pill that if I took it, I would no longer be trans, I would take it in an instant. It would make things so much easier. Rather than trying to plan a transition around my relationship, school, job, and so many other variables, I could just focus on getting college out of the way, and then getting a good job. I wouldn't have to worry about what is too fast for my girlfriend's comfort. Wouldn't have to worry about parenting issues. I would have much less worries, and many more restful nights. Less depression, and a more stable appetite (with mine going from eating one very small meal a day, if that, to eating as much as a Hobbit would if they were real.). Hell, I'd never even have to worry if I got all the makeup off before I go out to work (like I am now...) or to visit family. But, for the sake of my own dwindling sanity, I had to give in. I use to try to drink it away, slam my head against a wall in the middle of the night to shake the thoughts, cursed myself, and had very warped images of myself. Even after just accepting it myself, I started to treat myself better. For me though, the road is longer than just mear acceptance.

The best advice I can give is too just accept it. You don't have to like dressing. You don't even have to ever dress. The urges and thoughts will never leave though. Have you tried playing out a mental fantasy? This way, you are not actually dressing up, but you see yourself dressed up for a moment or two. It can be done in the shower, or in the evening in front of the TV. Sort of a day dream type of thing. Satisfy the mind while also maybe satisying your psyche.

[curse within]

Schatten,

Wow I feel your pain as well...I think a lot more of us go through what you just mentioned and if accepting it works then by all means ..Go for it..

I think in my case anyways accepting it and living with it are two in the same, my fault I wasn't clear enough on that (didn't want this to be a thread soley about me) .To make it clear though I don't fully accept it I live with it, confussed ? Yes hasn't been a day gone by I havn't and to make myself clear on that , confussed about why I give in and what drives me to do it.

I don't want to change this place I do enjoy some of it and just as many others here if I don't relate to a thread, I will not post. I think that everyone here are excellent people and maybe the level to which I am not are the highest percentage of people here. So I am the blacksheep I will admit that and stay within my boundries , to not rock the boat if you can relate.

Thanks

C.W.

[Corina]

We stay in the closet , do not wish to be seen most of the time by anyone.

2. We perfer not to go by a female name and wish not to be adressed as a she.

3. We feel quilt , shamed and depressed after we dress.

4. We do not wear bras,forms,makeup or shave in areas that females are known to shave..

5. Dressing is sometimes or most times a sexual fetish.

6. Have nothing in common with most in this MTF forum, because we do not want to be females or act out being females.

I feel the same as you. I have had these feelings off and on since puberty. I always feel guilty afterwards and my wife left me if not completely for that reason then mostly. The name I have listed is the one she gave me. I will NEVER come out of the closet, I don't want anyone to know, and I don't want to be a girl.

So how do I deal with it. I know that it is part of me but not ALL of me. I do it when the urge is too strong and don't the rest of the time. I wish there was that magic pill you mentioned and that my wife had not left me for my urges.

SO the answer to your question is yes there are others that feel like you do.

[Julieanne]

I'll add my bit at the risk of upsetting some folks.

Yes, Cursed, I understand although I am (mostly) not there now. I do not think the negativity is something you can just decide not to have, nor that acceptance of who you are and what you do is at all easy.

Having said that these are issues that you must work through to at least lessen your distress (lessen your curse). Perhaps they can be eliminated -- I don't know -- but I think the goal should be progress in coming to terms with your curse. Little steps that will make your life better.

Counseling is helpful for some but it is critical that you find a good match. Someone who truly understands your situation on more than a academic level. Maybe give it another try.

I know that when I have been depressed well meaning people have told me just to pull myself out of it. No, no can do. That's the curse of depression, and it's due to a chemical imbalance not that different from diabetes. Believe me, if it were that easy to solve I would have done it long ago.

I suspect your negativity/depression may be similar. Sometimes we are depressed for good reason, for example when my wife was dying. I am on antidepressants and they have given me my life back -- another possibility. Meds don't make the problems go away but do allow perspective. Perhaps your curse is not as bad as you have made it out to be. It sure beats something like uncontrollable violence

Good luck. The answers are not easy and not magic but it can get better.

Hugs, Julie

[curse within]

Corina,

If that is ok to call you that, I want to say thanks for the post first and a great question also. So how do you deal with it? Talking to others is a great start I think , a support forum would be great, one that is geared to the cons not the pros of crossdressing.. This place is the closest one I have found yet and believe me I searched many days and nights looking.

It is awkward for me sometimes to even thread or post in here due to having to type a disclaimer that my intent is not to offend anyone. I am sure I will get some over this post.. If anyone has seen a forum that is geared for the cons not the pros and is for crossdressers could you PM me a addy?
You see I hear from some that I am in denial and for some reason I just don't think I am even for one minute.. I know I crossdress I know I am a male and I know I will never become a female make believe or surgery. How does that make me in denial. Living as a female accepting you female side and not fighting the urges TO ME only aids in pushing you further into a Trans seaxual But I am sure that will offend someone and they will try to correct me..

Thanks

C.W.