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Thread: I was given an ultimatum

  1. #26
    Just an everyday girl Karen564's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Natasha1974 View Post
    To Kim and Karen564, as I said, I had been researching it. I have not spoken of this to her and had not planned to until I had spoken to professionals regarding it, so the idea of transition has not come into any our our discussions.
    But, I can understand your points of view if she had known.
    Natasha
    I'm sorry if I jumped to the conclusion that you told her then..

    But remember, she IS a woman, and a Woman's Intuition is 99.9% correct!!!
    So you didn't necessarily need to say anything, because she may just already know where this is going.. and that's what scares her in saying or doing what she did..

    Take Care,
    Karen

  2. #27
    Member Tashee's Avatar
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    As I posted----I have been there done that--It will work if she wants it to---If you change you it wont work--tho on the surface all may look well---The purpose of that song was---Go and do what is right for YOU----Then if you are RIGHT for the relationship it shall work out---If NOT no one is EVER going to be happy----We all can pretend and get happy clappy but--No real happiness will ever show its head if all you are doing is being obedient---Umm last time I looked--Granted I am a cop---But happiness if your a dog or horse comes from being obedient----We--You are real People----I had I wife drive me to the edge of suicide for and from who I am----Just to find out that was her sick little game while she had her boyfriend on the side----Then Blackmail so I wouldn't turn him into a statistic----


    Its late my MS starts kicking my Butt now---Common sense is hard for me to find lest write--

    praying for you---I pray I sad somethings of understanding that were not rude

    T

    you need to be happy with you---if she is happy with you great---otherwise---get on the unhappy hobby horse-----I cleaned more suicides young old from just this..trust me...
    Last edited by Tashee; 01-23-2009 at 04:47 PM. Reason: my ms kicking my butt

  3. #28
    Ain't love grand :-) Jess_cd32's Avatar
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    Sounds like we're in a very similar situation, but no kids involved here, just pets that are a major part of our lives.

    I was told the same, that if she knew I cd-ed when we met she never would have gone out with me. I reminded her of all the good times we've had and the pets we've had over the years and she just said I wouldn't have ever known about them

    When our SO's find out we cd it's a big shock to a lot of them and a lot to deal with emotionally, there will be ups and downs, we're having them daily here as well.
    Good luck, I wouldn't stop comming to the forum over this, you'll need the support that you'll only find here.

  4. #29
    Silver Member kittypw GG's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Natasha1974 View Post
    I have been doing quite a lot of research into transition, because I have felt so wrong all my life. Not saying I would go fulltime or anything but, at least talk to someone about it and see where I go from there, I had an appointment next week to speak to someone, my hopes have been dashed.
    Natasha1974
    Honestly Natasha?

    Set your wife free. I see no good outcome for either of you together because of you above statement. If you love her let her go, please! I'm sorry that life is this way but do it now and you have a better chance to remain freinds. Trust me on this one.


    Kitty

  5. #30
    Member Kelli Michelle's Avatar
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    I understand what you are going through. I am sorry it has gotten to this point.

    I suppose her first reaction, when you told her, to her credit, was to see if she could work it out within your relationship. Perhaps she was hoping it would go away, or that you didn't do it that much really, or any number of things.

    I am sorta believing that, as others have spoken of, that your wife now probably believes that she will be living with a woman sometime in the future, and she does not want that. Of course the problem with that is you yourself are not sure what you want. One the one hand, to force you to make an "all or nothing" call now, when you are unsure has gotta be tough as hell. You have to make a call prematurely, and it could be the wrong one. On the other hand, if she didn't make the call now, she could be living with a woman, which, again, she apparently doesn't want.

    I don't know how old your children are, but still I understand your not wanting to hurt them. But it's kinda out of your hands if you feel you need to be at x point with your life, and you wife says nada.

    Marriage counseling is the way to go if your wife is willing. it may resolve the problem, it may not. Obviously, both of you need to keep as open a mind as possible. As far as your wife is concerned, if she is all about ultimatums, she needs counseling for that too, not just this issue. As far as you are concerned, I would say you need to discover what it is you want and need as soon as possible. It's hard to address an issue you don't know the answer to.

    I hope you find your way through all these complicated, difficult issues. Hang in there, there is always hope.

    Take care.
    The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
    - Dolly Parton

  6. #31
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    You can always get another wife.

    When a couple develops differences that cannot be mitigated, the best thing may be to dissolve the relationship.

  7. #32
    Aspiring Artist Kelly DeWinter's Avatar
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    Natasha;


    Quote Originally Posted by Natasha1974 View Post
    To Kim and Karen564, as I said, I had been researching it. I have not spoken of this to her and had not planned to until I had spoken to professionals regarding it, so the idea of transition has not come into any our our discussions.
    But, I can understand your points of view if she had known.

    This is one of those threads that breaks my heart, I read this and I see you keeping things from your spouse. YOU speak to the professionals, in the meantime she is in the dark, with all kinds of fears in her head. I have never heard of anyone marrying a Man or a Woman and hoping that they would turn into the opposite sex after X number of years. I understand your issues, but have you talked to your spouse about her fears ? Something had to have happened for an 'overnight' change of heart. Did she read,find,talk to,consult,research something ? You two need to work on basic communication before you will ever be able to talk about gender issues.
    In a marriage you to be able to communicate, Why not focus on that for awhile ? Speak to a counselor (GID) reguarding that aspect first. What are you willing to do to rebuild your marriage ?
    Kelly DeWinter
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  8. #33
    Just an average girl Carole Cross's Avatar
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    Natasha, I fell so sorry for you. reading your post brought tears to my eyes. From what you have said it seems that your wife may be looking for a way to end your marriage. She probably knows that stopping you from dressing may forrce your hand to end the marriage.
    I hope you can sort things out without it coming to this, I know how upsetting it can be when a long term relationship breaks down. we will always be here foir you so keep in touch.
    Carole
    living the dream

  9. #34
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    Natasha,

    What are you going to do? Will you continue to dress because I think you know it is very hard to stop.. I really hate to see post like this , you may want to think it's you wifes fault to allow this to happen then change her mind...There had to be some kind of signs as it built to her decission ...I really hope you can work it out ..Perhaps a nice talk with her may help maybe explain to her it took this long to progress and it doesn't end over night ..

    I wouldn't show any anger or rage towards her..I feel she only helped you because she loved you but you can only take it so far people have limits maybe you went past hers..Toleration of Crossdressing is in no way understanding it.. its just putting up with it..Now understanding Crossgressing isn't toleration at all that's acceptance if you know what I
    mean.. Commuicate with her find out some boundries and use what applies if you wish to remain with her ask her what will work or help,..If not continue as you are and enjoy..

  10. #35
    Member Lori Robins's Avatar
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    Ultimatums!

    Hiya Natasha.
    It seems to me that you are in for a rough few months but I would like to offer some hard learnt advice. My ex never gave me an ultimatum as such but knew I dressed and was very anti it.
    (she cut up my fav most expensive lingerie )
    I spent about 10 miserable years existing in my home(about 18 months in a seperate room) for the sake of the kids. I know this is easy to say now, but what a waste of my life those 10 years were!!! I was stupid and it didn't do any favours to my kids growing up in a home full of tension. It was hard not seeing the kids every night after work and all weekends, but in the long run I am way happier now. Life really does go on.
    To me you have two ways to go - if you love her, I mean really love her and want to spend your life with her, then you either have to come to some sort of compromise or comply with her wishes (if she really loves you she should talk to you about your dressing/feelings as well). The other option is to leave.
    I have old fashioned values and believed in the family unit staying together thru thick and thin, but we only get one shot in this life so we have to make the most of it.
    It is a hard decision and whichever way you go there will be heartache and tears, and without trying to sound too selfish, your feelings play a big part in this and you should not be expected to go through your life feeling repressed and/or angry about missed opportunities, because it will come out one way or another. Whether it be a build up of stress levels, or anger and arguements with the closest available "victim" that you will regret later, or a withdrawl from normal activities, if you are forced to do something you don't want to do it will come out.
    I was extremely lucky and met a wonderful woman that is (almost) entirely accepting of Lori, but we are completely honest with one another. This is probably a bit contradictory but..... there are a couple of things I would like to do (a like minded personal liason with another person) but she has said - if you want to, but not while you live here, but she would always love me and always be there for me, and I decided that I love her too much to jepordise our life together so I have decided against that. But I am happy with that decision. There are plenty of great girls in NSW and I am in Adelaide if you ever want to chat.
    Good Luck

  11. #36
    I hate pants Gabrielle Hermosa's Avatar
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    I'm very sorry to hear this, Natasha.

    I'm sure there is a much larger picture going on in your life than what you can feasibly share with us here. I really wonder if there is more going on than just the crossdressing. Perhaps the cding is more of a scapegoat for other issues that have built up.

    An ultimatum is a very bad sign. Every time I encountered an ultimatum in relationships prior to my wife (non-cd related), it marked the beginning of the end. Sometimes it was me laying down an ultimatum about something, but the end game was always the same.

    Regardless of whether or not your ultimatum is truly about your cding or perhaps a conglomeration of things, you're really going to need to do some soul searching and have some serious conversations with your wife.

    Sometimes time apart from each other may help the situation and allow you both time to clear your heads. I know there are kids involved, but you have to consider some temporary time away, or face the possibility of the long term apart (divorce). Bring it up with your wife and see where she stands with apart-time.

    What I'm sure you already know is there is no cure for being a crossdresser any more than there is a cure for enjoying a delicious dinner. If your wife cannot handle your female side and it's cding or her... the writing is on the wall and the stage is set. If you do turn up some other issues in conversation, I really hope you can work them out.

    I want to offer something positive here, but I've read this story many times over the last couple of years.

    Whatever the outcome, I hope that you and your wife and children find happiness down the road - be it together or apart.

    Your friends are all here wishing you the best.
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  12. #37
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    Never been divorced but really, have you heard a lot of stories where people wish they had NOT divorced? Not too many.
    If you 2 do split at first it will be hard but you will probably find greater happiness than you have ever known. Freedom will once again be yours.

    Maybe divorce is a huge price to pay for being CD/TS but really, at least if you divorce you can honestly say "it is paid for" and live YOUR life as you want and need.

  13. #38
    Luonnatar Linda Laman's Avatar
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    This is very tragic. You must be able to be yourself no matter what, not what someone else wants you to be. It sounds like your wife is looking for an excuse for a divorce - in any case, she does not love you, she might love what she thinks you should be, but if you go along with that then you would be living a lie. Your kids are the first priority, so if you both want to save the marriage you need to start communicating now. Get a counsellor who will be objective and help the communication - and get your clothes back on! Do not be bullied.

  14. #39
    Carole carhill2mn's Avatar
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    Ultimatums

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. The sad thing is that many of us have also been in situations similar to yours. It sounds as if there are deeper issues in your mariage than CDing. Perhaps, marriage counseling would help but, the problem with counseling is that people must be willing to see the problems and to want to make needed changes. Many people are unable/unwilling to do this. Then some very difficult and painful decsions will be needed as to how to proceed.
    Know that there are many people here that will be here to listen to you. Many have already given you some very good advice. Unfortunately, no one else can make the needed decsions for you.
    I wish you the best.
    Hugs, Carole

  15. #40
    Female Illusionist! docrobbysherry's Avatar
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    Natasha, have u considered this?

    That your wife's bossiness is actually stressing u out? Which may cause u to want to dress even more? Or, in your case, transition?

    I know a little about which I speak! My ex was bossy, and it got so bad, I wanted nothing to do with her!

    Let me predict what will happen next:

    1. You'll knuckle under to her demands to stop dressing. You'll be miserable, and her ultimatums will only GET WORSE!

    2. You'll go to a marriage counselor. The counselor will point out to your wife the problems she is causing with her attitudes toward u. You're wife will immediately quit going to therapy. If u continue going on your own, u will probably conclude separating from her will be better for everyone!

    Been there, done that!
    I believe your wife has ALREADY suggested the answer to all of your problems, separation! If u don't have to live together, u both mite get along better!
    U can't keep doing the same things over and over and expect to enjoy life to the max. When u try new things, even if they r out of your comfort zone, u may experience new excitement and growth that u never expected.

    Challenge yourself and pursue your passions! When your life clock runs out, you'll have few or NO REGRETS!

  16. #41
    Feelings with no outlet.. Ballerina's Avatar
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    Wow, ultimatums and threats are hard to deal with (I live with them with my parents, too).. I do find it curious as to how she can go from accepting and supporting to not enjoying it. Maybe there was some form of barrier that was crossed? Wore something that she frowned upon, worn something of hers and she found out and didn't like, fears of things going too far, or maybe even gone a little too far with one thing and/or another? I do second (third, fourth, er. whatever) that you two do seek marriage counselling. She does need to know that the voice of her own mother creeps into herself and it does bother you strongly. Sitting down together and talking things through with the offside help of others should be a priority right now. I may even suggest that you two take a bit of a vacation away from troubles and get out as a couple (not bringing issues up while out and about) from time to time may help, too.

    I wish you both the best of luck.. And I hope things can settle down soon enough!
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  17. #42
    Fashionista VeronicaMoonlit's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by TxKimberly View Post
    With all respect to the TS folks here that are probably going to get angry at me for this, what did you expect your wife to do while you investigated your options for becoming female?
    Get angry at you? No. Because what you said is that basically, Natasha isn't communicating very well with her wife, and I most certainly agree.

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  18. #43
    Aspiring lady KarenS's Avatar
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    I am so sorry that you are in this situation. My experience is woefully inadequate to offer any type of advice.

    I hope you can reconcile.
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  19. #44
    Aspiring Member joann426's Avatar
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    natasha i feel so sad what is going on withyou and your wife those ultimatums just may be a nother man in her life so maybe watch out for those thorns in the road you never know

  20. #45
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    good luck and good wishes to you. let us know how you make out.

  21. #46
    Senior Member Sally2005's Avatar
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    Start calling her bluff and talk to her about what would happen if you actually did make the 'wrong' choice. You have to talk to her and ask her why she suddenly changed. I bet the CDing is just an excuse for something else that's going on especially if she was okay with it in the past.

  22. #47
    Member LeslieSD's Avatar
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    You have to know what it is

    An observations: women seldom talk about the real issue. It may be this or that, but ultimately it may be some thing that triggers it. And that real something could never appear in your conversation with her.

    So try to think as if you were her (a good practice to be a CD) to find out what is that something. It may have very little to do with CDing, but more likely be how you treat her. You said that she was somewhat accepting, right? She can not become a CD-hater overnight.

    Trial separation might be another way to go. It might be helpful to clarify out the issues.

  23. #48
    Senior Member boardpuppy's Avatar
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    Natasha,
    I can impathize with your situation. Counceling will help with some things but the desire to stay married has to exist on both sides. Even if you both want to stay married, just wanting is not enough. You (both) have to be so stuborn (about staying married ) it will be scary at times. Being married is a relationship (both giving and taking) if one stops, then trouble follows. Having grownup in the tension you discribed, I can tell you the kids will suffer but even with all the heart ache and fights they will be better off if you two go your separate ways. The kids will fight, especially when caught playing one of you off against the other. At this point, you and your wife have to be on friendly terms, and provide a uniform front to raise them right. The big "D" is the last resort but not at the lose of yourself or your self respect. From personnel experience i know what I am talking about....It all depends on your priorities and what you want.

    Alice

  24. #49
    Member Megan_Girl's Avatar
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    Natasha,

    I truly understand what you are going through. After 20 years of marriage my wife told me that she had discovered I was a crossdresser, that she loved me and was OK with it as long as I wasn't gay.

    Flash forward 12 months and right out of the blue she drops a bomb saying that she's not "OK" with it....she was never really OK with it - I'm sick - this has to stop and "the ultimatum" - I must see a therapist!.

    I was devastated, angry, I felt betrayed - like I had been allowed to have and hold my most precious dream and then it she smashed right before my eyes. How could she lie to me like that? I pushed back and said we both need to go to therapy.

    Today - after 6 months of therapy for both of us, she now understands - I'm not gay, I'm not going to leave, that our marriage and our daughter are more important to me that anything, that being a CD is just part of who I am and it's not going to go away.

    AND I understand That she is scared by it all, that she felt that she was loosing me to "Megan", that I was steadily moving away and she was going to be left alone to raise our daughter.

    So things today are better..... not perfect by a long stretch ... but improving. My therapist says that 80% of the marriages she sees break up when it reaches the point we did. We're lucky.... so far... if we make it through 2009 we may have saved our marriage.

    I have no magic bullet, no words of wisdom that will make things go back to where they were or fix it. Our marriage... our relationship will never be the same but. I'm grateful we've come this far and I pray that we'll survive.

    I'll include you in those prayers.

    XXX
    Megan
    Loving the Lace!

  25. #50
    Junior Member stacylynn1's Avatar
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    sorry hon

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