Symbolic Act Hits Me Hard!

[Julie]

When I thought transitioning was the answer to all my prayers and I decided to forge ahead and do it, I took all but a few of my male clothes and packed them away. Dress shirts, pants, slacks, socks and underwear all disappeared from my closet and drawers. The sense of relief I felt was magical. Finally I was going to do something I wanted to do all my life. The weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.

But then I realized the full impact and got off HRT and decided to live out my life as male. Even if it meant I'd be unhappy the rest of my life, at least my kids would have a father, something I just couldn't take away from them.

So today as I'm cleaning out junk from 23 years of marriage, I find the box with the dress shirts and pants in it. I figure I might as well put them back in the closet since I'm not transitioning.

Well, I couldn't believe how hard that symbolic act hit me. Suddenly I couldn't function anymore. I just stopped and wanted to drop to the floor and cry. I never expected that reaction. I felt like I was at the undertakers preparing to bury Julie. I'm still reeling from that experience. I want to get back upstairs to finish but the thought of spending the rest of my life as male is really hitting me hard for the first time since I made that decision. I just don't know if I can accept that.

It's as if as long as there was a glimmer of hope I could stay upbeat. I loved putting all my girl things back into the closet once I cleaned it out. And since there wasn't much in the way of guy clothes I still was able to keep that glimmer alive.

Maybe I just need to put those things back in the box. I hardly ever wear them anyway. Yes, that's the solution!

That's why I like coming here. You ladies help me solve things without even having to say a word. Now I've got to refill that old box and get it out of the house!

Thanks!

[Wendy me]

julie i know that your thinking abought not going all the way through with it for the sake of your kids is a example of just how mutch you truly love them . to for go what you want and think of them frist . truly shows just what kind of a person you are....
the putting the "him" things in the closet probly just brought up the thoughts that eather way someone is going to be hurt or unhappy..and you chose your kids before yourslefe....

all too mutch wetend to think when our kids get to a creten age our job is done ...not true at all ....even if you went through the srs somewere in there would be forever their dad....
huge wendy hugs for you....

[Jenny Beth]

Out of sight out of mind. Keep that box hidden for emergencies, you don't really need it. And it's okay to cry, we all understand.

[DonnaT]

Hell of a game of Tug-of-war you'll be playing for years to come Julie. Just don't snap the rope. Go for a walk or drive instead.

Goodwill or a veterans association could use that box.

[Stlalice]

Julie,

The fact that you are willing to give up at least for now your dream speaks volumes about your love for your kids. They are truly lucky to have you as a parent. How old are they? Do they know you as Julie? Or only as dad? Is there a chance that they may accept you as Julie? If so , then maybe you can transistion at some future time - it may just be that they love you as much as you love them. If so, I can't see them wanting to see you in the pain that shows so clearly in your post.

I know all to well the pain you felt trying to put the male stuff back in your closet - I moved mine to the basement a few years ago when I came out as far as my circumstances will permit - I don't think that I could deal with bringing it back up either. Bad enough that I have to present as male on my job - dressing in what I refer to as "boy drag" is a real pain. But I will take early retirement in a few years and go full time then. Meantime, I'm out to all of my family and haven't lost a single relative that matters. A few of them are still trying to adjust to the idea that the guy they knew for nearly fifty years was in fact a woman named Alice. But they are working at it. Transistion and coming out was maybe the biggest gamble I've ever taken in this life - also the most rewarding thing I've ever done. If you want to talk or just vent a little feel free to PM me - I always answer even if it takes awhile. If your travels should bring you down to the St. Louis area give me a shout - I would enjoy the company. Hang in there girl, things will get better.

Peace,

[GypsyKaren]

Yeah, go for a drive and crank up some serious rock and roll. I'm gonna stay a male for different reasons, I'm happy with that decision and with who I am, and Karen will always be there running the show anyway. No matter what decisions you make about your life, Julie will always be there too.
GypsyKaren

[SilkenPrincess]

Julie,
I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. I know it's a much overused cliché, but I do feel your pain. I think many of us fully understand the full depth of frustration and terror at being in the wrong body, facing life head on, and wondering if we can survive.
You, like a lot of us, tried the very best you could to function in this world in spite of the affliction you bear. And now, because of your previous well-intentioned decisions, you are faced with impossible choices. (Wow! Just typing that gives me reason to pause. I am quite familiar with this scenario, having lived it myself for longer than I care to remember.) I have read many times in the last 6 months or so of the things you were going through. My interest was sparked because you found the way to go down a road that I have always dreamed of, but could not find. In a sense, I was transitioning vicariously through you.
Julie, you are my hero! Feeling weak is NOT a sign of weakness! You have already demonstrated great strength, and you have my respect. I sense that you are having second, and even third thoughts about which way to go. At such a crossroads, indecision would be natural. Don't let it get you down.
Take the time for yourself. Be yourself. You cannot give to another that which you are not. To try to be what you are not is foolish, for two important reasons. In no certain order, first you will never succeed in being what those around you insist on if it isn't there. You'll only disappoint them anyway. Look inside. You are the only one that can really see what's there. Don't let someone else tell you what's there. You, and only you, know. Second, to force what is not real will smother what IS real. That is self-mutilation. I find it extremely ironic that people will commonly refer to SRS as self-mutilation. If they only knew!
My dear sister, I feel for you. If I could, I'd give you a hug! Hang in there, Babe! I'm pulling for you.
Lots of love,
SilkenPrincess

[Sierra]

Now that you decided not to transition all the way.It was a high price to pay and like you I'll remain a dad with tits that has a fem side but also the person they have known,loved and need.I felt bad for getting on your case once [6 months ago] about not forgeting to be the guy they need.My wife would divorce me if I went out dressed with friends too,so I live torn between two lives and feel with out her and the kids I'd be miserble more than now.I can deal with rude people thinking I must be gay or something but looseing them is unbearable to me. Now after all you been through and livinging alone I think you should be able to live as you like and tone it down for visits with your children,you are free why worry now,take care of yourself and live your dream .

[chezie]

i also live alone i spent much of my time "dressed". my children are very young
transitioning is on my mind all of the time.dad still has to be dad.

[Genifer Teal]

the thought of spending the rest of my life as male is really hitting me hard for the first time since I made that decision. I just don't know if I can accept that.

I don't have kids so I may never understand the responsability they bring. It seems to me your decision is not over. Perhaps you need to thin about this more. In many casses surpression only makes the urge to be femme stronger. Maybe there is another way to work this out. I hope you are able to find peace with yourself.

Hugs - Genifer

[Marlene4a]

Understandable and acceptable.

[Tristen Cox]

Er ...you're welcome? Whudydo

[azure]

I took the decision to endmy transition about 12 months ago, I had very serious reasons for doing so.But the truth is, that within a week of getting back to living as a guy, the culture shock and revulsion and reality that I would live as a male was unbearable, like being thrown into a dark pit. Transitoning has its consequences and you need the will of solid steel to survive,you also need friends and then some!!!. I could write about how I feel and how I am not really coping all night, but this is your time and its important to be constructive. If I canhelp at all email me, you are not alone ok!!!