When I thought transitioning was the answer to all my prayers and I decided to forge ahead and do it, I took all but a few of my male clothes and packed them away. Dress shirts, pants, slacks, socks and underwear all disappeared from my closet and drawers. The sense of relief I felt was magical. Finally I was going to do something I wanted to do all my life. The weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders.
But then I realized the full impact and got off HRT and decided to live out my life as male. Even if it meant I'd be unhappy the rest of my life, at least my kids would have a father, something I just couldn't take away from them.
So today as I'm cleaning out junk from 23 years of marriage, I find the box with the dress shirts and pants in it. I figure I might as well put them back in the closet since I'm not transitioning.
Well, I couldn't believe how hard that symbolic act hit me. Suddenly I couldn't function anymore. I just stopped and wanted to drop to the floor and cry. I never expected that reaction. I felt like I was at the undertakers preparing to bury Julie. I'm still reeling from that experience. I want to get back upstairs to finish but the thought of spending the rest of my life as male is really hitting me hard for the first time since I made that decision. I just don't know if I can accept that.
It's as if as long as there was a glimmer of hope I could stay upbeat. I loved putting all my girl things back into the closet once I cleaned it out. And since there wasn't much in the way of guy clothes I still was able to keep that glimmer alive.
Maybe I just need to put those things back in the box. I hardly ever wear them anyway. Yes, that's the solution!
That's why I like coming here. You ladies help me solve things without even having to say a word. Now I've got to refill that old box and get it out of the house!
Thanks!