That's a good way to resolve this ... the h*ll with her, just do what you want! Very responsible.Originally Posted by Stephenie S
We should all conduct our lives this way, don't you think? Not just with our spouses, but with our kids, extended families, friends, co-workers, bosses. The h*ll with them all!!
Let's just all think of me, me, me!
Stephanie, you've posted doozies before, but this one takes the cake.
Reine
Denise,
What can I say? I've been thinking about this thread for a couple of days, wondering if I should say anything, about what part of the topics brought up by many people here. In my mind, I see two different issues: the short-term issue of your trip to Vegas (which I really hope goes well and is enjoyable to you both), and the long-term issue of the mental health of you and your wife, the ticking time bomb that is your relationship.
I wish you all the best of luck with whatever you decide to do this weekend, but I really hope that you do what you feel is right in your heart and make the decision yourself whether or not to go. When you posted that if your wife 'acts out' and says that she forbids you to go, you won't go through with it... that really puts the onus on her to 'be the bad guy' in making that decision. What if she says to you, 'I would be much happier if you don't go, because it scares me to think of Denise out on the streets alone but I can't deal with being around you as her yet'? Or even just, 'I wish you wouldn't do this'? What would you do? Does it have to be specifically, 'I forbid you'? This seems to indicate to me that your relationship is more of a power struggle about who holds sway over the other one's actions than a partnership. I think that the decision to go should be up to you and YOUR conscience, not up to whether your wife expresses the unhappiness she has in a certain way that makes you feel as though you are giving this up because she is being horribly controlling and forbids you. Don't be passive in this decision. Be active and make it for yourself.
In the long term there are a lot of issues I think you know need to be dealt with. No one is winning in your relationship, and there is a lot of hurt and need for help, all ways around. No one is obligated to have their lives made a living hell by another person, and staying around the sort of situation you describe (verbal abuse, financial abuse) is enabling this treatment of you. It is also enabling your wife to continue in the self destructive behaviours you have described. Neither of you is being helped by this. It is possible to work through all of the issues that have been touched on in this thread and make your marriage better, but you each will have demons to face along the way and it may come about that it would be better for you to split in the long run. It may also come about that the two of you can fall back in love when you're ready.
In the meantime, there are two articles that I think you may need to read and see if it at all speaks to you:
The Martyr Victim Complex Described
Overcoming the Role of Victim or Martyr
I'm not a professional, I don't know anything about you other than from this website so please don't be offended at me posting this - but superficially, your situation sounds like one which a person who falls into the role of a martyr could become stuck in. If this at all rings a bell with you (even if you don't think the label fits) it may help you think about things to go through some of the questions at the end of the second link.
Reine is a very intelligent and sweet person, and has been through a lot which has given her the wisdom of a person well beyond her years (I'm thinking like Methusaleh years, personally!) and I hope you can take her words to heart. There is no shame in you talking to al-anon to get help in helping your family, and helping yourself in such a situation. In fact, there is a lot of courage in taking this step and taking action.
Tara,
you posted in one of your posts about your wife coming at you drunkenly with a gun... this is a very serious issue, and I hope you know that! There are resources available for spouses who are being threatened in this manner, even though for men they are a little more difficult to find sometimes. If there is a distress call line in your municipality or state, they will be able to refer you to a social work team specializing in domestic violence or in men's health who can help you get out of that situation. If your wife is a clear danger to herself or others (which it sounds like she hits in both cases) a family courts counsellor or social worker can help set up a court order to have her mental health assessed and put her in observation.
I know there is a gut reaction to just take it - you're tough enough, right? - but what if next time it's not you she brandishes a gun at, but some random person at the door? What if she gets very angry at some customer service, and brings it to the store? What if, because you didn't do anything so you could tough it out - some other innocent bystander gets hurt, or your wife really DOES kill herself? There reaches a point where not swallowing pride and asking for help for a person not mentally capable of getting it for themselves is needlessly selfish... and most people in this situation are too wrapped up in it to realize that by not making that call for help it's hurting more than just them.
The other thing I want to say is this - someone had said that by now Denise's wife should know what she's thinking. I hate to say this, but NO ONE who is human is a mind reader, it doesn't matter HOW much time you spend together you still need to be clear in communicating with your partner. My parents have been married for almost 32 years, they still run into mis-communication issues. My grandparents were married for 59 years, and THEY had their fair share of times when they needed to stop and communicate better, too.
Last edited by Babeba; 01-06-2012 at 01:23 AM.
Sometimes you do just have to sever ties with people and walk away.
I know. I guess I'm just the forum's cranky old lady.
Really, I don't mean to be such a crank. Most of the time I'm really a nice person. It's just that I have so little patience with people who feel it's always someone else's fault, no matter what. I often post when I'm tired, and I should try to be more supportive. It's not my best quality by any means. That comment was not very constructive.
S
^ OK. I guess I get cranky too sometimes.
Reine
A painful read. I used to think others controlled my life too. I was miserable. I feel much better now.
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