New and confused GG

[Duana]

I'm new to all of this so please be gentle!

I'll try.

My new boyfriend has just informed me he is a crossdresser.

Congratulations. You've entered a new, interesting phase of life.

Are most of the crossdressers on here fulltime and wanting to be women?
...
But my boyfriend has insisted this is just an occasional fetish, entirely sexual and something he's been doing his whole life. He's also somewhat older than me and says there is no chance it will change to something more as he's reached his comfort level and is very content.

So is anyone else on here an occasional fetish dresser like my boyfriend? Or am I in the wrong place and this site is for those wanting to live as women? Sorry if I seem ignorant but I'll be honest and say that researching here has made me feel more confused and scared.

I can't profess to speak for most crossdressers, but I can speak to human nature and my personal experiences. I'm going to speak in generalities with the awareness that that is exactly what they are. They're also only my opinion.

Here are the bombshells:

1. Crossdressing is progressive, given the appropriate environment.
2. Crossdressing is as addictive as any drug.

If you take those as fact, it is easy to draw the following conclusion:

The more you crossdress, the more you want to crossdress.

So, what do you do? Go down the rabbit hole like my SO did? She's been completely encouraging and I crossdress all the time. She loves it and really has no concern about whether or not I'm a boy or a girl. The reaction is always the same; love.

My advice is, if you want to keep it in the bedroom, you better lay down some rules about when, where and how often. Be aware the more rope you give, the more he will take.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Welcome, Miss Muffet! You have found the right place, but I can understnad why you mnight think you haven't. There are many, many, many of us who have no desire to live as women, transition, etc. and are very occasional dressers. And most of us have no desire for this to grow into full-time dressers. The topics that get posted here are from everyone, and I know lately the more popular postings (meaning those with the most hits as well as the more frequent topics) may make it seem like you wandered into something different. But please, by all means, ask any quesitons you might have.

[UNDERDRESSER]

I'm new to all of this so please be gentle!

My new boyfriend has just informed me he is a crossdresser. This has shocked me but I like to think I'm intelligent and open minded enough to accept this side of him. He has suggested I look at some crossdressing sites for support. I found this site rather quickly and have spent many nights reading through the posts here. I'm now more confused! I think this might be the wrong site for me? Are most of the crossdressers on here fulltime and wanting to be women? It seems this way from what I've read. But my boyfriend has insisted this is just an occasional fetish, entirely sexual and something he's been doing his whole life. He's also somewhat older than me and says there is no chance it will change to something more as he's reached his comfort level and is very content.

So is anyone else on here an occasional fetish dresser like my boyfriend? Or am I in the wrong place and this site is for those wanting to live as women? Sorry if I seem ignorant but I'll be honest and say that researching here has made me feel more confused and scared.

Please help.

Dear Miss M,

I really hope you stick around long enough to read this, because I identify totally with what your BF has told you.

I'm middle aged, I've been doing this since I was 8. It started after a couple of things happened then, I think it just "Imprinted" me.

I used to do it simply as a sexual thrill thing. I still do it sometimes just for the kick. Somewhere along the line, I realized I liked the comfort, and look, of panties. ( fairly plain ones, but have you compare regular mens stuff? Yuck! ) Also along the way, i realized I have a strong feminine streak, I don't think that had anything to do with being a CD, but it's helping to keep me from giving it up.

I've examined my motivations at length.

I'm not gay or Bi.

I have no intention, or ever had the feeling that I might want to transition.

I've never fully dressed, don't think I want to.


The fact that your BF has told you this indicates a high degree of trust he has in you, and that he thinks that you are important enough to him, that he wants to be totally honest with you. Consider that, and the fact that it took a lot of courage to tell you.

[Sophia Claire]

I'm new to all of this so please be gentle!

My new boyfriend has just informed me he is a crossdresser. This has shocked me but I like to think I'm intelligent and open minded enough to accept this side of him. He has suggested I look at some crossdressing sites for support. I found this site rather quickly and have spent many nights reading through the posts here. I'm now more confused! I think this might be the wrong site for me? Are most of the crossdressers on here fulltime and wanting to be women? It seems this way from what I've read. But my boyfriend has insisted this is just an occasional fetish, entirely sexual and something he's been doing his whole life. He's also somewhat older than me and says there is no chance it will change to something more as he's reached his comfort level and is very content.

So is anyone else on here an occasional fetish dresser like my boyfriend? Or am I in the wrong place and this site is for those wanting to live as women? Sorry if I seem ignorant but I'll be honest and say that researching here has made me feel more confused and scared.

Please help.

The extent to which we take this varies by the individual. There are those who do want to live as women, and those who are going to get surgery to become women permanently, and those who do it for a sexual thrill, and literally dozens of shades of gray. I can understand why you're confused and scared, and I can see why your boyfriend suggested some of these sites for support. We're a generally friendly and approachable lot, so feel free to ask questions! I can't speak for the rest of the ladies here, but I am particularly difficult to offend, so feel free to be blunt. One of the things you might have noticed is a common source of angst among heterosexual crossdressers is that this can be a lonely lifestyle because there are precious few women out there who are accepting of this. The fact that you're here makes you a better person than most, IMHO, so I don't assume any intention to offend.

Here's a couple of questions for you: What confuses you about us? What scares you about this lifestyle? And perhaps most important, what do you hope to learn from us? What are you looking for in this research?

[KellyJameson]

Hi Miss Muffet (cute name)

To admit to a fetish to me is an act of honesty that many usually try to avoid admitting to so I would be inclined to trust his words.

He also seems to be clear about who he is and why he does what he does adding to my inclination if I was in a relationship with him to trust him and not worry about the future as it pertains to the crossdressing

From what I have learned by participating in this forum, there is a very strong fetish aspect to crossdressing at one time or another in most crossdressers lives but this forum is less about sex and more about life so you are not seeing it in what you are reading because you have not been here long enough.

In my opinion male sexuality is like a candle in the wind but also a bull in a china shop. It is a strange mixture of fragility and animal instinct. Add to this that males are not meant to be monogamous but must be socialized to be monogamous and you have the potential for a lot of unhappiness

If I was a woman trying to hold a mans sexual interest it would not be the crossdressing that would scare me as much as my concern over whether or not I could hold his sexual interest solely in and for me overtime.

I would have to understand how to manage a force of nature. How to channel, direct and harvest it much like you would a raging river. You would have to understand the person very well to be able to do this and they would have to be willing to be known for you to accomplish this.

Monogamous sex cannot not be sustained without the total trust that allows for the possibility of being "known" by the other. Unless each person feels totally safe without need for secrecy and defense from the other you will not be able to know how to blend yourself into him and he into you and you will end up with a adversarial relationship.

The obstacle and problem is male sexuality which is simultanously very weak (candle) and very strong (bull), not the crossdressing fetish which is just an aspect of it.

[DeeArel]

Miss Muffet, if he was your kind of guy before the revelation, embrace the revelation and discover a wonderful relationship.

It has been estimated that 10% of the male population are crossdressers.

[Jessica86]

First off, welcome to our site! The thing about dressing is that each person is different. I know I have been doing this for 21 years and I'm 26. I started at 5 when my sister wanted a little sister, and I would spend more time with her than my brother. I am not a fetish dresser per say. I like to just dress up, go out, have fun shopping, driving, walking in a park, store, or just sit outside. I am married. I have been for three and a half years to a woman I've known for six. She fully supports what I do. I also have two children, a three year old and a three month old. To me, dressing is about leaving this world I live every day behind. I dress fully about once a month. There are all types of people that do what we do. A majority are heterosexual males who do not want to transition. A majority of members on this site are that way as well. Most do not talk much because living full time as a full transexual takes constant help and support from those who have been there. I can't tell you that you will be able to accept this. Only you can. I am thankful that you are here, and we need more people like you. Unfortunately the best way to find out what kind of dresser he is is to sit down and talk with him. What does he currently do? Does he have future plans? What does he expect from you? Then, ask yourself what YOU can tollerate. Don't be afraid to voice something is too much. Talk about it, and make rules. If you ever need any help, we are all here to support you.

[Jeanna]

Crossdressers are weirdos! Run away quickly! Just kidding, welcome to the site. You are in the right place learn and most of all have an open mind.

[Vickie_CDTV]

If you are asking whether or not it is possible for your boyfriend to be someone who dresses up as a fetish and not desire to be a transsexual or gay, then the answer is YES! Take it from someone who has been in the transgender community a long time, and someone who works with trans people, yes it is absolutely possible to crossdress just for fun and pleasure, and it does not mean your boyfriend is a transsexual.

[Jolene Robertson]

Welcome to the site. I (we) are glad you are here. This is a good site with a lot of information and plenty of honest discussion. The fact that you are here indicates a desire to learn more about us and that is a fantastic thing as so many will just through everyone into a basket and say that is who we all are.

We (CD) fall into a number of categories as does the rest of society, I for one have no desire to transition nor am I gay. My wife supports me and it has made us closer and opened up a more fulfilling communication, as such there is now way that I would do anything to jeopardize our relationship. After joining this site I realize how precious it is to have a supportive spouse.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Please feel free to ask any question you may have, someone here (or many someones) will be glad to give their honest answers. The only wrong question is the one you don't ask.

Jolene

[Crissy Kay]

Welcome to the site Miss M. I am pretty much like your BF. I used to get really turned on by dressing, now I just enjoy it. I am still just a part time dresser, mainly on weekends. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you.

[Aprilrain]

Unless you have been reading threads in the TS section I'm surprised that you have gotten the impression that CDs want to "live as women". The very definition of a CD is that the clothes come off to reveal a man with a male persona, identity, and life. I think it is somewhat common for CDs to progress to some extent in their CDing like from closet at home dressing to going out to a club with some other CDs but that is it and many have to curb their desires for pubic appearances to placate a significant other so they don't even do that much!

[Joanna41]

Your definitely in the right place...I dress occasionally and have no desire to become a woman full time...i enjoy the challenge of female impersonation and keeping up with all the things that go with it...fashion, hair, makeup. We all look forward to answering any questions so please ask us anything.

Joanna

[bobbimo]

Hi Miss Muffet! Welcome aboard.
Its very hard to tell someone about having a cross dressing desire. Once its out the CD has to gauge how the news went over if its accepted.
If you looked somewhat nervous but accepting, then the CD will tell you its just an occasional thing, and sexual.
This is NOT something that you can do occasionally. It draws you in and you want to do more, learn more, go out into the world as a girl.
If you accept him and his gurl side. Then have fun with it.
Help her out with makeup, mannerisms, clothing selections, and then when your comfortable, go out for a drive or a walk together.
Support is the key. Don't be fooled to think this will only be a once a month dress up thing.
you can read "my Husband Betty", for some pointers. But mostly support anf enjoy getting a girlfriend and a boyfriend for the price of one.

[melissakozak]

Miss Muffet,

Coping with this aspect of your love life will be challenging to say the least!! Of course you are shocked, but look at the upside here. He informed you before you were together for years. I am assuming 'new' boyfriend means a few months at the latest. I informed my now wife of 20 years about 4 months after I started dating her, and we have now been together for 23 years. So, his honesty is refreshing. It is true, but extremely rare, that some CDs progress to living full time en femme. Being transgendered is like living on a sliding scale. And nearly all of us have to 'transition' to self acceptance. This does not mean a sex change, hormones, etc. But finding a way to accomodate this aspect of your relationship into your future together is essential. Several questions have to be answered.
How often will he dress? What will he desire to do while dressed? With who will you mutually share the secret? What about relatives? What is his orientation? We know he likes women, but does he like men as well?

From the sounds of it, though, he sounds like an occasional crossdresser with some fetishistic component. Many of us have had or have some component of sexual arousal surrounding crossdressing, especially in our teen years when the hormones are raging. Some of us also have some form of autogynephilia (aroused at the thought of having a woman's body....look up Dr. Anne Lawrence's work. She is accurately describing some trans behavior, but she wants to lump nearly every CD and TS into this category to some degree, which I strongly disagree with). This does not mean he ultimately wants to change genders or undergo a sex change operation.

Several books are quite helpful. Peggy Rudd's classic work, My Husband Wears My Clothes, is a great read, even if it is over twenty years old. Their is a forum for wives called crossdresserswives.com that Dee Levy moderates, and I have gone to this site several times, but frankly, most of the posts are degenerative and negative. Imagine finding out about this after 10 years of marriage and two kids? Many, many wives find out years down the road, and frankly, something this big is a genie in the bottle that MUST BE DISCUSSED prior to marriage, in my most humble opinion.

The younger generation of adults is having an easier time dealing with this than most of us middle aged CDers because the topic of trans people has now become almost daily tabloid news....have an open mind, explore his gender orientation and try to have a little fun with it. Crossdressing can either enhance or destroy a relationship.

[jillleanne]

Well written Melissa Kozak and to the point. I do hope the op'er will take her time and develop a picture of the complete spectrum in her mind; a road map if you will that can give her some guidance into the transgender world. The variations of, or levels/stages in a transgender persons' world are so diverse and possibly ever changing, that it is simply too hard to define in a sentence.
Miss Muffet, ask alot of questions and do not hold back in expressing your opinion or concerns. I do hope this site can be of assistance to you in developing an understanding of the all too often abused and misunderstood life of a transgender person.

[Jennifer W]

Miss Muffet, Welcome! I hope you are still here (I haven't see any more posts from you here) this is the correct place to be!

[Cheryl T]

Miss Muffet,
This is the place to be. You will find that most of the other sites you encounter through an internet search are sexually oriented. This is not that type of site.
That being said, NO, most of us here do not want to live 24/7!!
If you spend enough time reading posts and filtering things and asking questions (as you just did) you will find that there is no single description that fits us. We are all individuals with varied reasons for our dressing. You will find that it runs the gamut from those that wear only a particular type of clothing to those that are true TS and everywhere in between. Each of us has our own reasons and background, though you may find that many of our stories sound very similar. While there are many similarities there are just as many differences. Every one is unique.

If you have questions ASK!
Remember, there are no stupid questions....only stupid answers.

Also, there is the FAB section (Female At Birth) for genetic women only. Once you have posted a minimum of 10 times you will be able to request access to that area (if you wish) and there you will be able to read and post with other women and obtain their viewpoints. Ask a moderator for assistance on this.

Inquiring minds want to know... and if you don't ask you won't know....we don't bite.

[wife stephanie<3]

I can only speak for me. My husband told me about 2 or 3 weeks ago. Last night, we celebrated our 7 years married. However, we have been together 14 years. I have known for about 13 years that my husband wears pantyhose. While in college, there were a few occasions that he asked to try for more like make-up and a dress. We did buy a nightie as well. He was confused/ashamed/whatever for so many years, not knowing what he really wanted: TORN. Once he came to accept himself more, he told me. He didn't want to lose me or our kids. I need honesty and trust. It did come as a little of a shock, but now thinking about it, it shouldn't have. I just didn't consider the pantyhose as a CD thing (thought of it as something else), but ultimately I didn't know the extent of it. Probably, because he didn't know the extent of it all.

I agree totally about talking with your boyfriend. Honesty is a major thing you both need. He needs to be honest with you and himself as well as vice versa. This site has made me ask a lot of questions of my husband. It gave me a lot of insight about what I want from all of this and what I don't want. Trust me, I am still asking questions and probably will always ask questions. I don't want to push things on him, I want him to think about everything. To be honest with himself and me. I did set some ground rules because there are somethings I don't ever want, somethings I could try and somethings I have been ok with so far. No matter what at this point, it has brought us closer. We are openly talking about stuff, not just CD stuff either. I feel like I can now express things more without bottling them up and letting them explode eventually. There are days I have some problems. Maybe it is problems with him and not her! Maybe it is my own internal problems! But I do love my husband.

At least hear him out and talk to your boyfriend. If you decide you can't be with him as a boyfriend because of some hang up, at least you know more about yourself and maybe you gained a friend. I hope this helps.

[almisami]

Hello and welcome,

I don't consider myself a full-time nor fetish crossdresser, but I do understand that many concerned individuals will be flabbergasted when turning to the crossdressing community for understanding.

You'll have to understand that the crossdressing society (and the greater pool of users on this site) come to crossdressing for a myriad of reasons including, but not limited to, fetishes, love of feminity, gender dysphoria or, in my case, a kindred for soft tactile stimuli (you'd be surprised how few men get any). A single individual might be drawn by one or many of those reasons and may actively disagree with others but while the ends are initially various the means are what bring us here.

Regarding the universal case (you really should be discussing with your inner self or your partner about this about the specifics, not a forum lurker like myself), you will likely find a crossdresser’s feminity gradually creeping into every aspect of his life over time as he accepts crossdressing into his life (the actual speed, magnitude and sphere of interest of which varies from individual to individual). This is inevitable and repressing it never leads to anything good. This is not to say constructive criticism shouldn’t be applied (as most are waltzing into it just as blind as anyone else), but the psychological burden relieved from the individual through crossdressing usually leads to a more nurturing, relaxed and happier person overall.

While most who greet the community quickly understand that there is no correlation between crossdressing and homosexuality, many are worried by the fact that many crossdressers decide to wear full-time or turn out to have been repressing transsexuality. This is usually not the case, but it is true that crossdressing often serves as a psychological gateway towards further change that neither the crossdresser nor his partner may have been prepared for. If this is the case, professional counseling (both individual and couples’) is really the best available tool to help you come to terms with the situation. (This is still the individual you know and love, just viewed from a new, more inclusive perspective.) Realistically, though, most crossdressers end up quite content with their masculine sexuality and only find that the discovered feminine aspects complement and enrich it rather than the popular perception that they end up sexually neutered.

This is all I can blurt out off the top of my head without going overly specific and having to do in-depth explanations regarding the common questions regarding specific issues. If you do harbor any of those feel free to message me.

In addition, if anyone feels this quick intro is somehow misguided or incomplete regarding something you think is important (skewered perceptions do happen) feel free to let me know and I’ll edit it in. (This is V1.3)

Peace to all,

Azurielle

[kimdl93]

I'm sure by now all the responses you've received have added to your confusion. I would like to suggest that you first disregard the relative number of posts as an indication of what CDing is about. Some people are more active on the site than others, and many of them are dealing with significant conflicts between their gender identification and their everyday lives. So, needless to say, their numbers may seem a relatively high percentage of all posts that you have read. The number of posts is not a valid survey, and does not represent the majority attitude among CDrs, even on this site. In social sciences this kind assumption would be termed sampling bias.

Secondly, this is a discussion board, not a polling place. So, its meant to encourage discussion and, with certain limits imposed to maintain decorum - or more precisely to prevent pointless arguing or purient sexual content. So, the discussion can range pretty far - reflecting interests as disparate as an occassional fetish dresser, a person identifies as male but enjoys sometimes dressing in womens things, individuals who have a blended gender ID...a little bit male a little female in varying proportins;and individuals who have pronounced gender dysphoria...basically were born in the wrong body. And there are gradients and variations of all kinds between the extremes.

What's true for one of us is not at all necessarily true for everyone. Sure we have common features and a lot of us have some degree of gender dysphoria...but you can't assess your boy friend based on us. The most you can gain from that very unscientific sampling of the CDing population is some idea of the kinds of questions you might ask, some idea of the ways that other GGs have responded to the knowledge that they had a CDing partner, and hopefully, some ways to enjoy this part of your boyfriends life.

The other thing I'd like to add is that in any group discussion, we are all guilty of "projection". Its hard to avoid. What I mean is that I may look at your situation and see my own. And my advice or my angst or my fears can be reflected onto your situation, whether they fit or not. So again, you have to take comments and recommendations with a grain of salt...maybe two.

[Rebecca Star]

I'm sure by now all the responses you've received have added to your confusion. I would like to suggest that you first disregard the relative number of posts as an indication of what CDing is about. Some people are more active on the site than others, and many of them are dealing with significant conflicts between their gender identification and their everyday lives. So, needless to say, their numbers may seem a relatively high percentage of all posts that you have read. The number of posts is not a valid survey, and does not represent the majority attitude among CDrs, even on this site. In social sciences this kind assumption would be termed sampling bias.

Secondly, this is a discussion board, not a polling place. So, its meant to encourage discussion and, with certain limits imposed to maintain decorum - or more precisely to prevent pointless arguing or purient sexual content. So, the discussion can range pretty far - reflecting interests as disparate as an occassional fetish dresser, a person identifies as male but enjoys sometimes dressing in womens things, individuals who have a blended gender ID...a little bit male a little female in varying proportins;and individuals who have pronounced gender dysphoria...basically were born in the wrong body. And there are gradients and variations of all kinds between the extremes.

What's true for one of us is not at all necessarily true for everyone. Sure we have common features and a lot of us have some degree of gender dysphoria...but you can't assess your boy friend based on us. The most you can gain from that very unscientific sampling of the CDing population is some idea of the kinds of questions you might ask, some idea of the ways that other GGs have responded to the knowledge that they had a CDing partner, and hopefully, some ways to enjoy this part of your boyfriends life.

The other thing I'd like to add is that in any group discussion, we are all guilty of "projection". Its hard to avoid. What I mean is that I may look at your situation and see my own. And my advice or my angst or my fears can be reflected onto your situation, whether they fit or not. So again, you have to take comments and recommendations with a grain of salt...maybe two.

That's a well thought-out and written post Kim
I also agree on the grain of salt comment too.

I'd like to add one of my observations, that is... While I believe this is a great place for support etc...etc and I for one appreciate the opportunity to be a member here, I do think it can have a negative influence if one becomes engrossed with spending all their time here.

Maybe it's just me but after spending most of my time here the first month I joined up, I was starting to get consumed by the "Pink Fog". I've since limited my time here and I'm not feeling so engrossed about my CDing or gender issues which I was starting to question about myself. Again, that's only me and my opinion, hopefully it's not like that for everyone.

[cindybabe]

Hi just another happily married occasional crossdresser who enjoys exploring her feminine side, but has absolutely no desire to be female at all.
Its only my wife who knows about Cindy and she has come to accept her and enjoy her company.
Your boyfriend was honest to tell you straight away and not let you find out in the future and be even more shocked
The key is communication and ask anything you like
You will find it's not that uncommon and they are plenty of us married with children who enjoy the experience of dressing and things, but once the dress is off can go back to being the man again lol

They are plenty of woman who once they get there head round this can accept his crossdressing and then again there are plenty who can't handle seeing there man in a skirt.
Only you will know

[Stephanie47]

Hi and welcome. I've been a cross dresser to some extent for over fifty years. I do not have any desire to become a woman. I enjoy being a man and doing things ascribed to men by society. I also like to seek refuge from the tensions imposed on men by society by dressing up. My journey started as a youth just trying on my mother's slips because the nylon felt nice on my body. For whatever reason it progressed to experimentation; dressing up more as a teenager. I'd say that was my 'sexual' period. They 1960's were rather restrictive for hooking up with a girl for fun and games. After marriage my wife and I did some bedroom play with lingerie; nightgowns and stockings. For the longest time my en femme time was limited to buying slips and panties. When the male stresses of life increased, so did my desire to cross dress. What does tat mean? Well, it means dressing fully as a woman, including a wig. I get an immense feeling of relief from stress. My desire to cross dress seems to have increased as war related PTSD started taking hold.

You did not say what your ages are, he and you! As one or two have pointed out, there are many cross dressers who find their desires increase. Cross dressing or fetish dressing in the bedroom may increase to more and more. If I thought twenty years ago I'd be baking and cooking and doing household chores in a bra, slip, panties, hosiery, high heels, a dress and wig, I'd just shake my head. That's where I am now.

My wife is not accepting. We're in a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" relationship. Your boyfriend needs to be totally open with you, and, not string you along if his desires are more than bedroom fetish play. You need to set boundaries that you are comfortable with and he needs to observe. If you do not set boundaries, you will be totally along for the ride and you will lose any control in the relationship. That may sound like I am saying it is time to get out. My advice is pertinent for any relationship. If your boyfriend wants to spend all his waking time and all his money tricking out a truck or show car, you would want to have boundaries for that too. If there are not boundaries, then you become another trinket or toy for that person.

You really need to assess how cross dressing will affect your relationship with him. If you have been reading posts here for awhile, you will see cross dressing is not for many GG's.

[Kate Simmons]

It's really not so much the case Miss Muffet. It's more a case of many people here just being comfortable in their own skin.