Looking for how to tell my girlfiend im a crossdresser

[Jacqueline Winona]

Nikki, u haven't mentioned WHY u want/need to tell her? Do u wish to dress in front of her? Maybe go out with her dressed? R u feeling guilty? R u planning to "come out" to everyone?

If you're a closet dresser, don't plan to go out dressed, don't plan on coming out, why do u need to tell her NOW? This is actually may be important info if u want really helpful advice!


Unless there's some over riding reason for u to tell her now, my advice is, "NOT YET"!

I agree with this- you, and only you know, when and how to tell her. There isn't a one size fits all way to talk about this, and if you're not comfortable talking about this, it can be extremely hard on both of you if you just open up one day. And it can be done by showing, it takes patience, but my wife figured me out before we were married just based on how I reacted when I dressed up in front of her. You can't treat it like its a big joke, but you don't have to go into this like you're about to deliver the Emancipation Proclamation if that just isn't you. Take your time, be fair to yourself as well, and do it in your way, especially if this isn't something you do every day or think about all the time. Trust your instincts on this, and know that no matter how hard you try, you can't make your SO like this. But you can make this work, just don't push too hard, too soon.

[Jenniferathome]

...but my wife figured me out before we were married just based on how I reacted when I dressed up in front of her. ....

Your wife figured you were a cross dresser when she saw you cross dressed in front of her? Um, yup, that'd be one way to make the deduction.

Telling your SO, to me, always comes down to this: the pressure of NOT telling (continued hiding) is greater than the pressure of telling. Hiding anything from the person you love is stress. fear, embarrassment, shame, all help to keep us hiding until it simply reaches a level of "too much." Honesty is never a bad thing, even if you plan or want to stay closeted.

[Jenni Yumiko]

I agree with the others, if the relationship is serious, your both in Love and you both see each other with each other in 20 years, then you should tell her now, before you are truly committed to one another. If I could do it all over, I would have and I am pretty sure it wouldn't be as big an issue as it it is now. (And I haven't told her everything yet, working on that) to be a serious relationship and lie by omission is just as bad as lying. Yes, i'm damming myself as well. People are also a lot more understanding in the early part of a relationship, rather than after wedding cake and the honeymoon, when routines and "real life" take over.

[Jorja]

First, if it is just a girlfriend and you have no intention of marrying the girl, is it necessary to tell her at all? If she is more than that to you, have you thought of just telling her? There is no magical sentence. No magical phrase. Just be truthful and sincere.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Nikki, If she happens to see in your closet she may figure it out herself.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

Dont be ashamed of yourself.Tell her straight up.If she stays or goes least you know you tried.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Your wife figured you were a cross dresser when she saw you cross dressed in front of her? Um, yup, that'd be one way to make the deduction.

Telling your SO, to me, always comes down to this: the pressure of NOT telling (continued hiding) is greater than the pressure of telling. Hiding anything from the person you love is stress. fear, embarrassment, shame, all help to keep us hiding until it simply reaches a level of "too much." Honesty is never a bad thing, even if you plan or want to stay closeted.

If you must know, at my suggestion, we were going dressed for Halloween( her as a man). We agreed to practice beforehand to see what worked, what fit, etc. and of course, like any of us, I didn't fight that idea too hard. When she was applying makeup, she said "you like dressing up." It wasn't, as you might think, a case of her walking in on me, seeing me dressed on my own. I hadn't ever had makeup on before, and she, like I ssupect most of our SO's, are perceptive enough to figure some things out.
So, like I said, there are more ways to let her know than having the proverbial come to Jesus discussion. At that point in my life, there is no way I could have had such a conversation, and I suspect most of us who are under 25 have similar problems. Had I tried to tell her before (we had been dating for over a year), this would have ended disastrously because I couldn't have done that, and reading off a pre-written statement just doesn't work for me as it comes across to stiffly when I try to convey my feelings.

Your experience has been 180 degrees different, and it obviously has worked. But the fact that both have worked (17 years married for me, 20 years after the Halloween described above) proves that there isn't one way to tell her. There have been many, many hiccups along the way, even though she saw a TV program about crossdressing and learned just about everything that is in the books we all reference as proof that we are not gay, that we can't just stop doing this, that this is self-expression of an important, misunderstood need for all of us to express a feminine side inconsistent with our birth-gender. (Please remember this was before the internet even existed for civilians). Despite her knowing all this, it still bothers her, and it causes a lot of problems for her, no matter how much I try to prove it should not, but we have a strong marriage in every other respect (prevailing wisdom on this issue notwithstanding). She, and I know she is not alone on this, sincerely wishes this were not part of me, and prefers not to know about this but learning at her pace what CD is all about, in small bites as opposed to all it once, has made it a lot easier for her.

[giuseppina]

This is a thread by a respected genuine lady that no longer posts:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...ner&highlight=

[Amanda M]

Two things - read what Miss Joanne and Sandra have said. Work on that basis. No games, no nonsense. Most important, if you are to have a loving relationship with this woman which is going to work, she needs to know before she gets in too deep and gets hurt.

Best to you both, Amanda.

[nikkimngirl]

Thank you all sisters the dilema is over I appreciate all your advice, but as it happened before i decided to tell her i had washed some of my clothes and unfortunately left a thong in the washer and when she did the normal wash well there it was. At first she thought it belonged to another woman but i told her no and had to come clean on my other side. I WOULD NOT SUGGEST THIS TECHNIQUE TO ANYONE. Please any one who reads this use the excelent advice of the other girls who posted. So far things are going well she has accepted me and my dressing which is good because did not want to lose her. We do need to talk more about it. So i will keep updating this thread for others like me and whoever is interested.

[Tammy Nowakowski]

well thats how my wife found out, i was doing the wash one day, and i never did the wash
but tammy does the wash

[Nikki50/50]

This isn't like sticking a toe into a swimming pool, and easing the rest into the water. Just dive.
Say look, I have a feminine side, and I'm human enough to not only acknowledge it, but embrace it as part of me. It manifests in my tastes in genderized clothing, which I don't want to keep as a secret, especially from you.
...
Keep it short, direct, just let her have it. Don't try to justify, or validate anything. She will have questions, of that you can be sure. Just answer them as they come, and let the rest unfold as it will.

PS> good name, by the way.