Shame

[PaulaQ]

I am sorry that you have to go through this. I don't know alcoholism, but I do know shame, and how debilitating it can be.

Thank you Liz. I'm feeling much less ashamed - before I really admitted this to myself, I was dreadfully ashamed. Like I said - I've done disgusting things as an alcoholic. (At least in the past, thank god I've been sober for so long now!) I mean - I won't even go into all of it. But I can talk about that mostly.

Cross dressing, on the other hand, the only really disgusting thing I've done is how BADLY I do eyeliner. (It's just an atrocity - my eyeliner technique is a hate-crime against makeup. I need help!) Well, that and lying to my spouse about this. But hey - lying to my spouse is just the OPENING ACT in the alcoholic circus. And yet, it's way harder to talk about CD. It is a hell of a thing. Admitting it to myself was harder than admitting my alcoholism.

But when I see tears in my wife's eyes, whether justified or not, I still feel shame. Nothing is going to ever stop that.

Oh Liz - I am so sorry. I hope you both find peace with this.

[Rachel05]

It is a strange thing to deal with but a very personal thing also for all of us, I have written about my early years and how I felt I was weird and looked for any excuse to try and mitigate what I was, but one thing I was not in my mind was a cross dresser or back in them early days, the phrase was transvestite

goodness how I struggled with that thought, it was for other people not me, I would have admitted to anything but not that, the feeling of disgust I had with myself for enjoying dressing in ladies clothing was horrible

But slowly but surely I matured and now I write the words with ease and without any negative feelings at all - I am a cross dresser - I love being a cross dresser - I want to be a cross dresser - it makes me feel good - it no longer makes me feel ashamed

My wife found out about my "hobby" as she calls it, she is not supportive in the least, she definitely has it in the seriously weird category, but I don't pretend to her, it is what it is and I tell her I am a cross dresser - hey I even tell her I like it - she hates it but I am what I am

PS - My mother was an alcoholic and eventually she died as a result and the one thing that held her back was she could never and would never admit what she was, it destroyed her

Good for you Paula, I am pleased to see you able to write the words, even if it hurts right now, even if it is hard right now

The one thing that this forum did for me in bucket loads was teach me I am not as different as I once thought and as I often say to my wife, no one died here, I don't hurt anyone, I don't cause people physical harm, this is just something I enjoy and that makes me feel good

Keep coming and keep telling us what you are until you rest easy with it, it does get easier, it did for me

[PaulaQ]

Thank you for sharing, Rachel. My dad was the same story as your mom - I guess the lesson is that not being able to admit the truth to yourself can be deadly.

BTW, I'm going to dress before seeing my therapist this week. I've never let anyone else see me before, all put together. (Well, at least as put together as I can be with my skills, which need work.) Baby-steps.

[PaulaQ]

Paula have you discussed this with your therapist? I would probably tell him or her that you plan to come dressed before you do it.

Aww, I've always been a big fan of "surprise!"

Just kidding.

Yes, I asked her about it last week. She thought it would be a good idea. We're talking over skype, so it's not like I'll have left the house, but she'll still see me. Baby steps. I'll get there - one step at a time. I'm still too shy to post an avatar photo of myself here - and y'all are the sweetest, kindest, most accepting sisters I could ask for.

I'll get there with that, too. I think I'm close.

I suspect I'll eventually vist her office dressed.

I'm going to need more practical shoes first though, some ballet flats I think. I love heels. I would probably MARRY a pair of heels if this were legal. What I love, and what I can walk in are still two different things though! ;-)

I am a little ashamed I let myself go for so long.

Ever own a car that you felt was just a complete POS? You hated the car, but it was reliable transportation that got you from point A to point B? Did you care if it got a smashed bumper? I sure didn't, and that's how I always felt about myself.