How do I find the woman of my dreams (no, not the one in the mirror!)

[Vickie_CDTV]

I've actually always thought at this point in history that the best partner for a MTF crossdresser is another MTF crossdresser, but sadly we can't choose who we're attracted to. I hope you find what you're looking for.

A M2F TS would be a better match, especially post-op, so everyone gets the anatomy they are looking for... but even them, some TS have the exact same expectations of a man that GGs do.

Emeraude, given the odds are so against you, I'd at least start looking now so you to at least improve your odds.

[Launa]

I would recommend to go real slow into this. Why rush? I would start by getting a dog to keep you company for the first bit.

If you want a wife that is willing to accept this side of you then tell them you need to be dating someone that is very open minded but don't get into specifics. After the first 3-4 dates if things are rolling along very well then open right up and tell them. Its easier than you think once you blurt it out.

[DebbieL]

I'm going to start by making a few assumptions.
First, I assume you are looking for one woman for a long term relationship, maybe even marriage.
Second, I'm assuming that you are reasonably attractive both as male and female. Looking at your avitar, I don't think that will be a problem.
Third, I'm assuming that you are not looking for a "Trophy Wife" - someone who looks like a fashion model, wants to fulfill your wildest fantasies, will cook and clean, and won't cost you a dime.

The first thing you want to do is look at what you can offer a relationship. Are you neat or a bit of a slob? Are you a workaholic or lazy? Are you a good cook? Are you funny? What do you like to do? Sing (choir, or band?), Dance (club, ballroom, modern?), go to shows? (what kind?). Don't try to make out that you are rich, better to say "I'm comfortable" - don't want the pros and the gold diggers.

Next, what do you really want in a life-long partner? Try to be realistic about the trade-offs. If you could fall in love with a girl who is crazy about you, has a pretty face, but wears a size 16, would you turn her down? Do you really want a girl who always dresses the way you have wanted to - but is disgusted by the fact that you do?

Next, be honest - even if a bit ugly. Make sure your profile has pictures of Emeril and Emeraude. Pick some good and unusual pictures of both.

If you've done it right, about 1 in 100 women will see your profile and want to know more. Think of it this way - it's 99 bad dates you didn't have to pay for.

When you do finally get someone interested, don't rush immediately into a date. An e-mail or two, followed by some phone calls, and THEN you can ask her if she would still like to meet you for dinner.

This gives you both time to get to know each other without the pressure of more, and get past first impressions visually by talking with each other.

I met my wife on Match.com - I put up a profile that included a cover picture of Rex and 5 pictures of Rex and 5 pictures of Debbie.
I described myself as "A cross between Robin Williams, Jim Carey, Bill Gates, Sean Connery, and Madonna - I'm as weird as Robin, as crazy as Jim, a nerd like Bill, an old geezer like Sean, and Madonna's sense of fashion".

1000 women saw the site, and 10 were interested enough to want to talk and eventually date. They liked that I didn't pressure them to date immediately, and I got a chance to get to know more about what we both might enjoy. 6 of the women were interesting and interested, but Lee was extraordinary. She sang in the choir, rang in the Bell Choir, had a daughter who was graduating from college in a month, and she lived in a self contained apartment attached to her parents' house, and didn't need to take care of either of her parents. She also thought about it and realized that Debbie was someone she really wanted to meet.

We went on our first date together after talking for two weeks (I was working out of town), and we had a great time. She thought I was cute, and she knew (from my profile) exactly what would ring my bells. I had told her before the first date "No pressure to have sex, we should probably have at least 3 dates so you can feel comfortable".

By the time dinner was over, Lee made it very clear that she didn't want to wait for that third date - and I told her "It was there for your benefit, if you want to wave it, that's OK too". By the time she woke up in the morning, she knew that I was a serious contender, and was happy that I wanted to see her again. We ended up dating for about a month when she invited me to her parent's 50th wedding anniversary, when I saw how here parents were with each other after 50 years, I knew Lee could be a lifetime relationship. I started going to church and was asked to sing in the choir by the director. We went to a choir festival and had a room in a hotel by the shore. But she put the key in her bra, and then lost the key (guess why). She was amazed when I was calm, cool, and offered to go buy some flashlights. When we still couldn't find the keys, I offered to take her to my place and come back, book a hotel nearby, or we could sleep in the car. That's when she decided I was "a keeper". A year later, we were officially engaged (she proposed to me), and a year after that, we were married (she wore the dress).

Because Lee knew about Debbie from day one, she knew she was an important part of me. She even found that she LIKED Debbie A LOT! She did have to get me to stop dressing like a ****. She did start to balk when I told her I was thinking about transition, especially when I told her I wanted to start HRT. However, when she came to a few sessions with my gender therapist, she began to realize we could work through most of her concerns. I turned out that we have been a wonderful team together. She was, is, and will be, the woman of my dreams, and I'm the woman of her dreams. <3

[Emeraude]

Launa,

I have my 22 year old son living with me, and my two daughters are over often, and I have my wife's two dogs until she gets them with the rest of her things after we sell the house. Believe me, loneliness isn't going to be a problem; getting some privacy is. (We have a total of 5 kids and frequent strays. I've always threatened to run away from the circus!) My approach on meeting women is to let them know before we even meet about Emeraude. I've done that on Match.com and I'm now in a continuing conversation with a very lovely and interesting woman who hasn't expressed any objections to that side of me.

[Emeraude]

Debbie,

What a wonderful story! I don't need to tell you how lucky you are to have found Lee; you clearly know that very well. I've been reaching out to women through Match.com, and have gotten rather a lot of interest. I'm reasonably good looking and active, and there are apparently a lot of women my age or somewhat younger who are looking for someone. As I said to Launa, I'm in an extended daily conversation with a lovely woman who has voiced no objections to my cross dressing and wants to meet me when she gets back from a business trip to Malaysia. I've been telling her that I'm not, for religious reasons, supposed to actually date for a year, when my divorce can be final, but it would be alright for us to become friends and see each other as friends. She seems really anxious to move things along, which is really reassuring for me, but a little unsettling so early in my separation. (I though it was us guys who moved too fast.)

I don't say anything about Emeraude in my profile; I've been told by others of the girls that that sort of thing would get my profile deleted. No so?

[sometimes_miss]

Actually, I don't think this is true. I think women have desired feminine men since time began - think rock stars, artists, global leaders and even Justin Bieber! There's something endearing, secure, sexy and even masculine about a man in touch with his softer side.

I think there is a misconception of what I meant by feminine. It wasn't simply focused on dressing or appearing in female attire, style, or makeup. I was mostly referring to the things that are usually behavior attributes. Women in general are attracted to power, status within the community, ambition, aggressiveness/assertiveness, stamina, dependability, self control, I think those will give you the concept I'm driving at. Where as, a man who is physically weaker than his peers, avoids making decisions and makes his female partner make all the decisions and plans, doesn't stand up for himself and/or backs down from confrontations, submissive, makes his appearance more important than his actions, always waits for the woman to make the first move, is rarely seen as attractive at all. It's not about having a softer side; it's about having a lack of any 'harder side', a guy who has commonly in the past been referred to as, not having any backbone. It's been my experience that women like a man to lead, not follow, and if she has to lead all the time, she gets tired of him, and looks for a different guy. Hmmm, just like in dancing.

Rock stars are masculine in that they go after what they want. Political leaders, too. Justin Beiber may have appeared feminine, mostly because of his age when he started performing, but he was cute, FAMOUS AND RICH, two of the most attractive things in a man, or, at least, that's what hundreds of millions of girls around the world appear to be attracted to, because with fame and riches comes a lot of power, too.

[Tina_gm]

Although I am a firm.... very firm believer in revealing early on, I don't know if you have to advertise up front about CDing. Definitely once a solid relationship is forming you should, for both of you. When I first told my wife about CDing, that alone did not make her WANT to leave me, but also she felt at the time that she didn't think she was ever going to be able to handle it at all and she would end up having to leave me. While she has some serious reservations about it, likely always will, especially seeing it, she has come a lot further than she ever thought she could, to the point where it has surprised her. She was raised partially on a dairy farm and a strict very conservative religous upbringing. No man before me was ever anything but very masculine. So how did a woman like that get to a point where she accepts (with reservations) a CDer?? Because no one ever really knows until they are in that situation.

Rather than to seek out the very small minority who are ok with it upfront and perhaps even look for CD's, focus on just getting acquainted with good women. When a real relationship begins to form, then inform them. There won't be a lot of pain because there is not the emotional investment from either of you. In fact, I often wonder that it might be easier for a woman without a emotional investment to be with a CDer. Kind of a lets see what it is like and if I don't like it, no big deal kinda thing.

[Promethea]

Debbie,
I don't say anything about Emeraude in my profile; I've been told by others of the girls that that sort of thing would get my profile deleted. No so?

That is the case with e-harmony, that site has been known for being heteronormative. I don´t know about every other site out there, but I´ve never heard of accounts being deleted for being LGBTQ on any other site.

[CherylFlint]

I did it on the internet dating (LOVEAOL). I described myself in the ususal way and mentioned that I was a CD.
That I enjoyed playing "dress-up".
Many women responded and after a two year search found the one that I was looking for.
She wasn't sure about the CD part of me so she invited me to come to her apartment and "dress" for her.
When I walked out of the bathroom the first thing she said was, "Let me help you with your makeup."
We were married shortly after and have been together for almost 20 years.

[JayeLefaye]

How do I find a woman who will accept my crossdressing?
How and when do I tell her?
But there doesn't seem to be a button to click for "heterosexual part-time MTF crossdresser"

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hi Emeraude,

I held off on answering this because, well, who am I to offer advice? But this question has come up(phrased one way or another) in several threads, and so I finally decided to track down this thread and offer my thoughts:-)

And these thoughts, IMHO, actually would apply to anyone of any age:

1. "How and when do I tell her?"....Once you find her, tell her before you have sex. End of discussion...How you tell her is up to you to figure out, but tell her you must!!!!

2. "But there doesn't seem to be a button to click for "heterosexual part-time MTF crossdresser"...Not should there be, it would be a waste of time. GG's aren't looking for a crossdresser. It's just NOT on their radar...I was a member of a local "meet-up" group back around 2008....Our only "admirers" were dudes who would have better off searching through Craigslist...

3. "How do I find a woman who will accept my crossdressing?"....By thinking outside of the box, you silly gal!!!!!

I'm gonna go old school here and paraphrase Dear Abby, circa 1973: Find a hobby. Find activities that you enjoy. Find other people who enjoy those activities.

If your ONLY activity/interest is crossdressing, then good luck....

But here's what I did, starting as a divorced(not due to CDing) 45 year old.

1. I became content with myself!!!

2. I pursued activities that I enjoyed...AND...I listened to my friends(non-CDing) who were looking for the woman of their dreams...Although, "dreams" also include nightmares. gotta be careful when you sleep:-)

3...OK, down to specifics....Specifically, "How do I find a woman who will accept my crossdressing?"...Here's the first clue: Don't look for a woman who is into crossdressers! Look for a woman(of any age) who might be open-minded enough to "accept" crossdressing.

Where are those women?

They are at poetry readings...In fact, they're probably poets themselves, and chances are that they're part of a local poetry group...Do you know who makes up the general membership of poetry groups?...60% sincere(often very talented) women 20% pretentious male poets and 20% sincerely male poetry appreciators who don't know how to talk to women.

They are at other creative gatherings...Art...theatre...Creative writing groups......Join some kind of local "creative group", but be aware that most of the women there will be under the age of 30...But THAT will be okay just so long as you understand that you don't need to hit on the young-uns'...What you have to do, is be charming enough that the young-uns will want to drag their recently divorced moms(or widowed gramma's) to the Group just so that they can meet this really cool guy who showed up:-)

They are Contra Dancing, Folk Dancing, Square Dancing...Those are the types of dancing that DON'T require a specific partner! Ballroom dancing requires a partner(& is kinda sexist because the male gets to lead and the female HAS to follow)...And personal experience is that open "ballroom" dancing groups/classes, consist of 2 married couples and 7 single guys hoping to meet a woman but end up having to practice dance moves with each other.

They are doing...ahem..."liberal" as opposed to "right-winged conservative" activities....

Bottom line: Very few GG's are out there looking for crossdressers....But they ARE out there. You just have to put yourself into the kind of activities where the ones who "might" be accepting will be!

Oddly enough, Emeraude, after doing all of the above mentioned activities and meeting several women who I dated, etc(and my CDing was never an issue)....Oddly enough, I actually met my wife, in a round about way, via Match.com, which I joined as just another avenue of "getting out there"....But I didn't meet my wife on Match...I met another woman there and went out twice for a dinner and a brunch...Harmless....And it turned out that she was still "pining" for an ex-boyfriend, and I was her first dip back into the dating scene. But even though she realized that she was still pining and wasn't ready for a new relationship, she thought I was so cute in an "elfish kind of way", that she insisted on introducing me to a friend of hers who she thought I was perfect for...

I guess that what I'm trying to say in my rambling way, is that if we don't "get out there", then no one's gonna come to us. And if we "get out there" and ONLY have CDing to offer, then the pickings are slim...But if we get out there, with CDing as part of our package, but only a part, then by golly, there are a lot of women who might find the total package very attractive....Men(CD & otherwise) aren't the only ones looking for True Love!

Your mileage may vary....But good heavens, at least put in the miles...:-)

Jaye