I realized I am old...

[Ellie52]

I realized yesterday that I am old. Though nothing exceptional happened.

I had a day off and a girlfriend of mine requested that I visit her in her shop to try on some new clothes. She was getting a new delivery..I love this lady.
I got dressed up as Ellie and drove to the city.

When I got to her shop the delivery had just arrived and she was very busy so I went next door for a coffee. The staff were fantastic - though I look ok my voice isnt feminine and they knew I was a guy but were very polite. I spent 30 minutes in the coffee shop looking at people and no one paid me much attention (apart from one woman who did a double take). As I was leaving I looked in the mirror above the counter and I saw an old lady looking back at me. I realized it was me and I looked old. When I got dressed the lighting in the bathroom was fine and reduced the shadows on my face but here in the coffee shop I was old.
I went next door and my friend had finished with the delivery and she was so nice and we had a chat about getting old (shes only late 20's, and her biggest problem was frown lines reduced with botox). I tried on some clothes and I looked in the mirror in her store (Bright lights designed to reduce shadows) and I looked OK until I went close to the mirror and I could see the ageing me again (I am 54). Other shoppers were in store and didnt give me a second glance but the excitement had gone and I just wanted to get home.

I now realize how much women dread aging. It never bothered me before, as I am happy being a male and never really bother whats in the mirror, but as I see Ellie aging I feel sad.

Due to some skin cancers I have to wear sunscreen and moisturizer on my face at all times and I am hoping this will reduce the aging but I think the days of me dressing and going out as Ellie are finished as I have no desire for people to see an old guy in a dress trying to look like a woman.

When I get dressed and look in the mirror I still see Ellie, but I cant forget how I looked a few years ago when I was so narcissistic I couldnt stop looking at myself - It seems those days have gone.

I feel sorry for women who know this is coming and feel a little sorry for myself as I know I cannot turn the clock back. I have never had a desire to be a woman and dont feel like I should be one (unlike many on here) but now as a guy I look in the mirror and feel a little sad because behind my eyes I see Ellie looking out and I know she is scared of getting old.


My friend in the shop is so gorgeous and the girls in the coffee shop so friendly I am going to miss going in as Ellie but Ill still drop by as a guy.

This post sounds a little depressing and maudlin but I thought I would share it with you. I may find a way to reduce the aged look and Ellie may be out there again but unless she looks good she's ain't going anywhere.

Best wishes
Ellie

[JenniferR771]

Send me your pic--or get a photo editing program. Erase the wrinkles photographically. I am learning to retouch photos.

Women get old, too. They learn to cope. And that is half the fun of new outfits--pretty clothes and accessories distract the eye from various sagging features.

[franlee]

Just remember it's worth a lot just to be around to Fuss! The alternative is very bleak and long lasting. Just lay on a little more foundation and do the Artist thing as best you can. You only have to look at it(face) while your putting it on! Besides it's like those drab men's clothes it comes off and then you change again.

[Ivy]

Do not grow old Ellie. There is no reason to hide and shut yourself out. Be elegant as you grow through life.

[justmetoo]

I'm older than you and I'm enjoying life! I just try to look as good as I can with who I am at this point in time. I don't see much point in dwelling on the past. My general tendency is to look forward to the future. But that's me. You have to do you. Take care and don't get too down! Older doesn't have to be bad. I have seen plenty of women much older than me who look fantastic.

[AnnieMac]

Well, Ellie i am always amazed at you, and how good and natural you look in all your photos. Being the closet dresser that I am I also am amazed at how naturally you seem to interact in public, not really worrying about what others think about what you are wearing and that you are a male doing it in public.
But honestly, with the old thing, I feel exactly the way you do. I'm actually older than you girl. But since I don't go out in public, where it really hits me is in photos I have tried to take of myself. I do all my make-up and hair, and I'm not bad at that and I think I look really good when I'm staring at myself in the mirror ( maybe my brain is fooling me) but then I see photos I have taken of myself, and then yes there is this older woman staring back at me sometimes, and it really gets me.
So I know how you feel for the most part. Guess I'll have to get brave enough to present Annie to the real outside world sometime.

[Ellie52]

There are certain times or events in your life when you can say something has changed. It maybe catastrophic or just minor but yesterday shocked me. I agree I can mask the effects of aging if required but that's not the point. What is scary is the speed in which it happens. I dont feel old, I am healthy and active. I can still go out dressed as Ellie but the feeling inside is different. I have lost something that I dont want to loose.
My comments arent so much about me but about aging in general. Its totally different for women who put a lot of emphasis on appearance, than it is for a man.
Just look at all the beauty products to defy aging. Unfortunately, all these do is mask the effects and if you look closely you'll see through it. This is what happened to me yesterday and I felt, for the first time in my life - old.
I think these comments come because it depressed me to see that view in the mirror at the coffee shop and next time I get dressed Ill feel OK again - this is what Im hoping for, but we'll see.
I may have time on Monday to take some photos and Im going to see if AnnieMac is right - We'll judge by the camera.


i am reminded of a song by the Canadian band - Rush called Loosing it and it puts into words my feelings better than I can - especially the last verse.
Thanks to Rush

"Losing It"

The dancer slows her frantic pace
In pain and desperation
Her aching limbs and downcast face
Aglow with perspiration

Stiff as wire, her lungs on fire
With just the briefest pause
The flooding through her memory
The echoes of old applause

She limps across the floor
And closes her bedroom door...

The writer stare with glassy eyes
Defies the empty page
His beard is white, his face is lined

And streaked with tears of rage

Thirty years ago, how the words would flow
With passion and precision
But now his mind is dark and dulled
By sickness and indecision

And he stares out the kitchen door
Where the sun will rise no more...

Some are born to move the world
To live their fantasies
But most of us just dream about
The things we'd like to be
Sadder still to watch it die
Than never to have known it
For you, the blind who once could see
The bell tolls for thee...

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Ellie,
OMG ! How saddening your realization story is.
First off, and you've heard this many times,(but it is so true) we are our
own worst critics. So bring on the wrinkled old hag pics if you need us to
tell you how good you look (for an "old" girl!)
Aging, as you stated, can't be stopped. Thankfully it happens to everyone, and
there are plenty of GG's out there that are worse off than you. (Pending a review of those pics)
Age is nothing more than a number, your peek in the mirror scared you while out in public while
you were already a bit self conscious about your appearance.
Take a closer look in that mirror at home, with that age defying lighting.
What you see is exactly what the rest of the world is seeing.
If you are still having trouble with the affects of time on your appearance,
there are ways to change that (other than those wrinkle creams)
Maybe a consult with your doc, tell him/her the stress your experiencing and
ask how you should proceed.
Just know EVERYONE gets a day older everyday, and everyone has these same
feelings at some point in life. (If not more than a few times in life)
You said your were still treated with respect, that should mean something to you.
Enjoy your life, smash a mirror if helps!
Much Love,
Kristyn

[charlenesomeone]

Ellie, like the others have said, who cares. You do, but we are our worst critics. I am older than you too, and passing, well , but if being who we feel we are makes us happy do that.
You may not be your young self anymore, no one is, each minute we age, its life. Find a style for an elegant woman, go with that.
It works for the GG's.
Your tag line says it all,

[Marcelle]

Hi Ellie,

I am so sorry to hear about your revelation and to be honest I had a similar epiphany awhile back when I walked by a mirror in a store and saw an old person staring back . . . who was this I thought as my preening and primping in the mirror before going out was quite presentable. Sweetie, we all get old and while we may think just women suffer from this, I have many male friends who used to turn the heads of many women back in the day who now complain that women just don't notice them. Nobody likes to get old as it reminds us of our own mortality. We reach a certain age and then it feels like our internal "doomsday clock" revs up to hyper speed and we no longer matter in the world. The good news is that age is not as defined as it was in the past. I remember my parents getting the "Over the Hill" birthday cards when they turned 40 . . . you don't see that much anymore.

I will be honest again, when I dress (an believe me the kid ain't pretty - photos are so forgiving) I feel old and know people see an older woman (or a close approximation) not some PYT (pretty young thing ) but then again when I present female I am an older woman as are many of my GG friends - lines, wrinkles, sags, older skin - goes with the territory. However, it doesn't mean I have to stop wearing nice clothes or exposing my ugly mug to the world any more than I would stop going out as a guy now that I am older (the kid turns no heads either). I like to people watch (guy or girl) and notice many beautiful older women and handsome older men and yes they have wrinkles, aging skin, age spots but it is their presence that shines through not their visage.

The one silver lining in the cloud . . . if people see an older woman on first glance, it is unlikely they come in for a more detailed look so my blending ability has gone up a few percentage points .

I am not trying to make light of your situation as I am sure it is very real for you. I am just trying to give you a different perspective from one older gal to another.

Hugs

Isha

[Claire Cook]

Hi Ellie,

I think all of us older ladies have gone through this. When I do, I think about GG's and remind myself that some of them have the same worries about aging! Now that I am .. umm .. a septuagenarian ... I think "who am I trying to kid?" I've found that being out and about as an older woman is really kinda fun. I'm treated politely, and reap the benefits of being a senior citizen. Just the other day I was in our local GoodWill (I buy a lot of my clothes there) and was in a longish checkout line with the two tops I was buying. When I commented about the length of the line to the SA, she said "Didn't you know that Wednesday is Seniors' Day? You get 20% off. Umm, you are over 55, aren't you?" "Hon, I won't tell if you won't." (A giggle from the lady behind me.)

Anyway, I hope this is a temporary thing for you. It would be a shame for Ellie not to be Ellie!

Isha, BTW I have to share this sorta Canadian story. Years ago we worked with Elderhostel groups and a retired couple from Halifax helped us as volunteers. They had a sign over their dorm room: "When you're over the hill, you pick up speed!"

Cheers,

Claire

[Krisi]

Aging is part of life and women get old too. It sure beats the alternative.

There's no reason you can't still dress and go out as Ellie. You'll just be an older Ellie.

You'll want longer skirts and less revealing necklines but you can still pull it off.

[kimdl93]

Well, I know about feeling older....when I see pictures from 15 years ago especially. I'm reminded of something my aunt said. She's gone now, but she was perhaps 55 or 60 at the time. She remarked that in the morning she would still look in the mirror expecting to see a young girl and be startled by the sight of an old woman...and realize it was her.

Or as Bonnie Rait sang, ...those lines get pretty hard to take when they're staring back at you.

[susan54]

You could turn this one on its head. I am nearly 60 whatever I wear. As myself, I have grey hair and no make-up. As Susan,I have dark hair and my skin is smoother and more even because of make-up. So I look younger. When I was trying on a 3-piece outfit (mini-dress, cardigan and trousers) in my favourite boutique, they admired the dress without the trousers and said it showed off my fantastic legs. That's all very well,I said - never mind the gender - it is not age-appropriate for a 60-year old. They were shocked and said I must have very good genes. Certainly when people meet my mother who is 90 they cannot believe her skin so it possibly wasn't just flattery from the shop staff. But whatever you look like as a guy, there are ways of looking a LOT younger as a woman, just get the clothes and make-up right - but you really need to get the walk right too to complete the illusion - it is possibly easier to carry off the age illusion than the gender illusion.

[Kate Simmons]

There are physical changes of course but getting "old" is mostly in the mind. If we take responsibility for our own health and well being we will have more self assurance. Just because we are older doesn't me we can't have fun and enjoy life.

[CarlaWestin]

Send me your pic--or get a photo editing program. Erase the wrinkles photographically. I am learning to retouch photos.

Women get old, too. They learn to cope. And that is half the fun of new outfits--pretty clothes and accessories distract the eye from various sagging features.

Yeah, Jenn just sent an image back to me that she'd touched up. My, my! I certainly don't appear to be on the verge of sixty. We're all going to get old and the only defense is to slow the process with good health and nutrition.

And, whatever photo editor Jennifer is using.

Thanks a bunch, Jenny!

feelin good52fix post.jpg

[Laura912]

I am in that dichotomy where the outside is aging but the inside has yet to grow up...

[Rhanda]

It seems that the older the women that I know get, the less they know about doing makeup. I get made up and look fantastic and when I meet some one my age (87) that has had as many years of experience as me they look like they have just given up. Sad isn't it?

Someday I will give you some pictures but as for now there are good reasons to be heard and not seen here.

Rhanda

[AnnieMac]

All of this reminds me of a comment often heard that "As men grow old, they get distinguished, and as women grow old, they just get old". In my own head I have always poo-poohed the idea that it is a man's world, or that there is a male advantage. Shoot, every sex has its pros and cons, and the power of female sexuality and attraction is incredible. Probably why most of us want to feel a piece of what that's like. I know that's a big part of my dressing. But in this case, men probably do have an advantage. Age is just more noticeable on women, because their bodies and faces are just more "out there". Sooo, now it is more noticeable on "us", and we are not used to it.

Ellie, I was truly taken by your response "I have lost something that I dont want to loose." Here we are these "cross dressers" that somehow we have this deviant part of our personalities that make us do this. Yet, I feel like you, regardless of whether or not I stop dressing or stop having the need to, I would NEVER want to lose that female part of me that makes me want to!! I have often thought that the girl does somehow lie within, and that we can be "cross dressers" in life without even the dressing part. Just expressing who we really are. And that is not typically something males do, and I have been sad about that for a long time. A topic for a future thread perhaps.

[sometimes_miss]

the power of female sexuality and attraction is incredible. <snip> But in this case, men probably do have an advantage.

Yes, obviously. Women have the advantage when they're young, men, as we get older. However in most cases, neither realizes it at the time!


I knew I was old the first time my nephews changed the radio station in my car to rap, and a really obnoxious yelling version at that. To which I replied, 'That's not music, that's noise!'.

And I knew I had turned into my dad. That was 25 years ago. So now, I'm REALLY old.

[Jennifer in CO]

This is why you don't see a 60 year old in mini skirts....

Since the pictures were lost in the fire, I only have memories. But I remember as a 15 year old spending the entire summer as Jennifer with the GP's. Mini skirts, mini dresses and super short short-shorts were all I wore. At 5'7 and maybe 100 pounds I wore a size 2-4. Now, at 58 I have to put a 1+ in front of it. I found a size 14 mini skirt in GW about a year ago. Took it into the changing room and tried it on.
It looked silly.
So I dress more "age appropriate" these days.
Am I sadden by this? Yes and no. I miss the days of absolutely no one being able to tell I was a boy. I miss the days of anything in my closet looking fabulous on me whether I was going to the store or going out to dance. I miss the days of having so much hair I could style it in way I wanted. I miss the days of no makeup was totally acceptable.
Ahhh...but the no...
I look back and see how much wiser I am today. I think back to how much of a pain not showing what you didn't want showing but wore it anyway in the name of vanity isn't a problem any more...you just don't wear it. I think back about how many times I nearly broke an ankle falling off those 4 and 5 inch heels when I was 100 pounds lighter...you just don't wear them (and when I did being 6'6" and a woman wasn't exactly vogue). The list could go on. Nope, I see myself as much wiser these days. Heck, I don't even own a single dress these days just so I'm not tempted to go make a fool of myself. I'll be sticking to my slacks, jeans and the occasional pair of shorts these days. These days....are sooo boring...now...where'd I put that miniskirt I bought...

[lesli]

everyone gets old, it's just part of the plan. embrace it and keep your youthful attitude. with the baby boomers aging--old is the new in thing!

[Suzie Petersen]

The problem is actually not aging!

Sometime around 1994, most manufacturing of mirrors was transferred to China and a couple other countries out there. Since then, the image quality has steadily gone down and last I checked it is downright horrible!

So dont worry about it, you actually look a lot better to others than you do when you look at yourself in one of these substandard mirrors we can buy today!



- Suzie

[Dana44]

Ellie, It is hard getting old. Women go through this and it does make it hard on them. My SO is ten years younger than me. I look younger than her. She takes it well. sort of. With makeup on, even younger. I'm 63 and look in the mirror and wow the years sure do make a difference. Do go and get age reducers at the makeup counter. I started using them. Heck, I think I have a wrinkle now and possibly crow feet at my eyes. Oh dear...

[Alice Torn]

I must reply to your thread. At 61, I like portraying an older lady, who still has nice legs, and looks fair, as i have noticed MUCH OLDER WOMEN, dressed up in dresses, hose and heels, and skirts a few inches above the knee. One is in her 80's! One was around 90!. Two old sisters, used to walk around town everyday, in one town i lived. They often wore skirts knee length, or dresses, and yes, i was watching! On the other hand, i feel my aging, more and more, too, with failing eyesight, dropping things more, forgetfulness, irritability. My mom, and her side of the dysfunctional family, mostly had Alzheimer's, and i sense it coming, happening little by little. I cannot run like i used to, or play full court basketball anymore. There is a sadness, yet, a joy, in sometime, finishing this hard program, and going to rest from all the labors, and sorrows. Your thread is a good one, and makes us all realize we are all getting older, but we can, be young at heart, some, and can learn to accept and enjoy it, too. Life for most people that ever walked this planet, has been pretty grim. I think older ladies , who keep themselves up, are WOW! Why not be one part time?