Can you relate to my peculiar sexuality ?

[daniisummers]

This description of my turn ons and turn offs may be a little graphic (i dont think so) but if you might find offence dont read further!


I have a sexuality that is extremely complex and kind of difficult to explain, but here goes.. it would be interesting to see if you feel the same way

what i think happened is when i started dressing up at 13 years old I kind of created a sexual orientation of myself based on the dressing..

so here's how it break down.


MEN:

1.) I love sex with men, i think about it constantly.
2.) I dont find them sexually appealing (only privates really!)
3.) I have never got a crush or fell in love with a man
4.) have had discreet realtionships with several men based on purely sex
5.) i love teeling myself i'm gay, been doing it since i was 17 and it turns me on, but i never truley belive i'm actually gay. its like i have to convince myself
6.) I dont like kissing guys and never have (but lately i've started warming to the idea)



WOMEN:
1.) I love their bodies but i couldn't get sexually excited over it. My brain goes sex crazy over their bodies but i'd never get an erection over it
2.) I love looking at womens bodies just as much as any hetero guy would. This is what keeps me closeted so well to close friends. I just have to perv too.
3.) when i check out a woman's nice body i get all butterflies but its because i'm internalising the womans body.. so its like "i love her butt i wish i had a butt like that!" etc
4.) I cant get an erection with a woman without viagra and even then its diffcult. I never have that problem with men
5.) never dated a woman or had sex with one for free (i'm 32)
6.) Have fell in love and had crushes on women
7.) during masturbation and internal mind fantasies I have never really visualized having sex with a woman because it doesn't turn me on
8.) I do enjoy passionately kissing women



PORN:
1.) I have never masturbated over strictly gay porn - ever.
2.) I have no interest in lesbain porn whatsoever either.
3.) i like hetero porn but its like i internalize the female role and kind of "get off" over the guy and the interaction.
4.) I guess i'm getting both on both sexes' sex organs, but i'm squarley in the position of being the woman.

can you sort of see whats happening ? I saw some "official " term for it the other day it was called "cross gendered sexual orientation" which i kind of like that label but it kind of leaves me in loveless, sex based realtionships based on CD fantasies of being a woman.

I guess to add to this I would say I'm 100% gay and proud but something just doesn't feel right.