Should I hide in the closet with me lesbian relationship?

[Katesback]

In the recent past I have began seriously dating someone who is really special to me. Since I began transition nearly three years ago I hardly ever dated anyone. In the last year I really had no interest in dating. I am soo busy with rollerderby, and a ton of other things that being single was totally fine with me. Finally nobody ever really caught my attention!

Needless to say for the first time in my life a few weeks ago at a party after the big derby game I turned around and met Danella. I have never in my life had this instant attraction to someone (she had the same attraction towards me) and to this day I really have no reason why I all of a sudden liked her, and lord knows I have turned down a ton of offers…………..oh well.

So now for the first time in my life I am dating a woman as a woman. You can imagine there has been some fast learning and lots of new experiences. Ever get in a car and see all sorts of buttons and have no clue what they do. Ya start to wonder if one of them is a seat ejector button. Well Danella was not afraid to push my buttons and she did find an ejector button……………. I had no idea that my body would work in the ways it does.

So with all new experiences comes some trepidation. One of them was public displays of affection. On one of our first dates we went to a straight bar to hang with Phillis (from this forum) and we were dancing and kissing.

Last time I kissed a girl I never had people look at me (pre transition boy to the world) but now that I am a woman all these people were starring at us. It kind of brought back memories of transition. My mind was telling me damm girl you got to go through all this crap again of people starring at you and such. Danella could tell I was feeling a bit weird and she looked me in eye and said "F__K what they think".

I now realize that if I date women I will constantly be under the microscope of society. I wonder if I should just cave to their standards and date a guy simply because that is what other people expect of me. Can I handle their stares, snide comments, negative attitudes? Can I stand the chance that some people will not accept me? Can I really afford to be me because it might hurt? What if they think I am a freak? Or worse a sick woman who is going to hell for her atrocities. What about the chance that someone might want to hurt Danella or I? What about the fact that people just aren’t comfortable with two girls kissing? Am I DOUBLLY stigmatized because I am transgender and lesbian?

Perhaps Danella and I should exercise extreme caution and pretend to be friends and NEVER show the big bad world that we are a couple. Perhaps it is easier to be in the closet and hide in the shadows. Will I ever be happy? Will she? Am I going to hell?

Now I pose a question to all you the readers. Should I give up on my relationship with Danella because of the pressures of society? Should I hide our relationship in the closet? Perhaps not tell anyone about my little secret hell bent relationship. I can't wait for the comments and advice!

Truthfully if you read this far and know me well enough, you already know that I didn’t really write this article so much for me but for you the transgender person that might still be on the fence fighting fear, frustration, agony, and living a lie because you for 1000 reasons (otherwise put excuses) are not REALLY being who you are.

Sisters and brothers we as people need to stand tall for who we are! We need to be proud of whatever we are. We need to be strong and walk with confidence knowing that we bring so much to society when we are strong! I encourage each and every one of you to live up to your potential. If need be, come out of the closet and shadows, to be a free person instead of a slave to the whims of other people.

Hungs from your fellow transgender sister!
Katie