Well I have been diagnosed with gender dysphoria several years ago. I am not willing to transition because I would lose my wife, kids, and my job. The last few months have been getting harder and harder for me and I have hit a major depression. One so bad that my doctor and my gender thearpist hasn't been able to solve. I know I am supposed to be a woman and I know that the male clothes I wear make me feel completely out of place. I also know though that no matter what hormones or surgery I undertake, I would still look like a guy. I would never fit in, and I would be lonely without my wife and kids.

The other day I had an opprotunity to dress my correct gender. I got everything out and started to put it on, but ended up putting everything back. Why get dressed for three hours just to revert back to being him again? I've tried it before and I almost have an anxiety attack when I take off my breast forms and my wig. It literally hurts to change back. My shoulders, head, and chest constrict, and I can't hardly breathe.

Last week, my wife needed some new clothes for her new job and I went shopping with her. I found all these beautiful blouses, jeans, jewelry and picked out several other things that I was going to buy. My wife helped me pick them out. She is okay with me crossdressing; just not transitioning. I gather both of our stuff to take to the register, but stopped halfway there. What's the point? Why spend $100 on this stuff if all I am going to do is wear it for a couple of hours when the kids aren't home? I just slammed the clothes on the shelf and stormed away.

Why do I even bother with all of this? I'm not happy when I don't get to dress, and now I feel even worse when I do dress, but have to take it off. I've tried doing it for a whole day, but it still hurt when I had to revert. If I transition I would hurt even worse without my wife, kids, and unemployed. (can't afford to transition without a job).

My psychiatrist says there is a chance I could pull through this without transitioning and lessen the depression, but it will take a long time.
My gender thearpist believes that it is a matter of time before I transition, and strongly suggest I start HRT and the first few steps to see how truely dysphoric I am.

But why bother.

Amber