I decided to make myself post about this. I can't let myself stay away from here too long again xD

Been talking to my SO about my trans issues and how (like most of us) I wish i could just press a magic button and poof into a male like in a video game or something.

*sigh* but, alas, things are never that easy.

Anyway, we spoke about surgeries and how... as much as I would like to get one, I'm terrified of the permanence aspect. Worried about doing something that I might regret.. even if it's something I want. The result of this conversation left me not too interested with bottom surgery... but very seriously considering top.

It was the first time I was so confident and exited about the prospect of surgery. Having a male chest would boost my self confidence and happiness in this body more so than T or anything else ever would. I even intend to mention this to my therapist on my next visit (which is huge considering that i have not even mentioned any gender dysphoria to her as of yet)

After this, I started to browse the internet to research top surgery and such... And have found I'm greatly disappointed and back to being apprehensive about the idea of surgery at all. The pictures I've seen are full of scars and less than pleasing, and even discouraging or a bit repulsive. I'm more fond of the peri/keyhole idea, because the results I've seen are much, much better, but being a Large-B/Small-C I'm not sure if it would be an option for me. (isn't that type of surgery just for As?)

-sigh- If I could find a surgeon who had amazing results very often, and who I could be confident wouldn't completely ruin my chest and could give me an aesthetically and sensationally pleasing result, I'd be more than willing to launch into that head-first. But after looking through every single surgeon under the FTM top surgery search results on transbucket.com, I'm beginning to wonder if that kindof person even exists.

I'm wondering what my mates on CD.com have experienced as far as top surgery... are the results as filled with obvious scarring and other deformities as I have seen? What knowledge do you have on this subject... and how can I find a way to get the chest I truly deserve?

Thomas M. Shrader