Hello all.

I seem to have an impossible time at being regular here. I know I should be more regular, I tell myself I should, but something always seems to get in the way.

Regardless, I'm here now... and with good news. I always feel guilty to only come to you guys when I need advice.

So much has happened since I last posted... I can barely even remember what all was said.

Since then, I came out to my mother and have started seeing a gender therapist. I'm not quite sure how much my therapist is helping as of yet... she seems confused about a lot of the trans feelings I have, even though she's had experience with MTFs. She's the best therapist I've ever been to though, and helps me in other areas as well. It's pretty cool cause she's actually intersex so I feel like she can relate a bit better.

Unfortunately my mother is of the assumption that I'm going to get "fixed" but eh... I'll deal with her later. She's helping pay for my therapy and bringing up the subject only causes fighting so I'd rather not cause drama. And honestly she's become quite irrational since she started menopause... so even trying to talk to her is fruitless. I hope that she will improve over time and I can talk with her more calmly about it eventually. For now, I'm concentrating on bettering my life as a whole.

I transferred colleges, and used that fresh start as motivation to man up and talk to all of my teachers. Each semester, I have to pull them aside and explain my situation to them. While nerve-racking, and occasionally not as effective as I would hope, it has made me much more comfortable and confident. Certain teachers instantly are understanding and supportive and to my great joy will refer to me correctly without falter. Most are hesitant and confused and while they will use the correct name, will slip up on pronouns. Unfortunately there's always a couple who thinly veil their disgust and contempt. I ignore the bad reactions and take pleasure in the good ones, so it rarely gets me down.

I have started dating another FTM named Emmett. I suppose "started dating" is a bit misleading a phrase since we will have been together for a year next month. I honestly don't believe there's a better match for me out there. Perhaps it's an idealistic view, but it is not a naive one. I have had my share of relationships and love... and I believe this one will last. Perhaps i'm counting my chickens before they hatch a bit... but I'm being optimistic about it.

His parents are more accepting than my mother is, but only slightly so. We still get disrespected by them at times and have taken multiple approaches to fix the situation to little avail. While the parental situation is stressful, I try not to dwell on it too much. Of course I want important people in my life to accept me and Emmett as well, but eventually we won't be living with them anymore and dealing with them will be less of an issue.

I came out to my little brother about being bisexual. I've been out for a while but avoided telling him because he has such strong religious beliefs. It went much better than I expected and he seemed to be rather understanding and nonjudgmental about it. I hope to one day tell him about being trans as well, but I feel it would be too much for him so soon after revealing the first.

I originally planned to come out to other family members at Thanksgiving, but I chickened out. I think I'll likely tell my little brother before I tell the rest of the family anyway.

I got my first packy, and this has boosted my confidence far more than I expected it to. That, along with multiple other variables, have led me to be more comfortable and confident with myself in general. It's possible that this is only a temporary high, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

One thing I'm being particularly adamant about today is gaining the respect I deserve. I've discovered that I've been allowing myself to silently suffer verbal abuse and disrespect, and that's not okay. It sadly got to the point that I was tired of correcting people about name and pronoun usage over and over... only to have them continue what they were doing and seemingly not trying. People I thought were friends seemed to make little effort to see me correctly and even a couple people I trusted would throw the wrong name in my face. I ended up feeling very defeated, and I stopped correcting pronoun usage except with the closest of my friends. I came to feel like I was being rude or annoying to correct people that way, especially when it may be multiple times in a row. I felt like I was somehow being demanding or selfish by expecting people to change themselves for me. There were some people who I outright avoided the subject around because they would cause conflict. It got so bad that I would even shy away from correcting strangers in public settings and would let myself be perceived incorrectly simply due to embarrassment and low self-esteem...

but no longer. I've finally decided that I'm sick of being ashamed of who I am. I'm tired of being made to feel lesser because I'm seeking happiness. I refuse to take the verbal abuse anymore. I am a man and I'm going to make people see it. I don't care how feminine I look or how high pitched my voice is... I don't even care if I get more of those "you are a disgusting human being" hate-looks. People will refer to me correctly or I will not respond. People will respect me if they want to get respect back.

I am trans. That doesn't make me any less of a human being. That doesn't make me an embarrassment or a freak. That doesn't make me confused. I deserve to be treated with as much respect and equality as every other man out there. I'm officially sick and tired of making excuses for and being lax with the people who refuse to accept this.

I guess I wrote that last bit more as a promise to myself than as a speech to all of you. It's high time I man up and do something about this. But that's certainly a good thing. People kept telling me I needed to be confident about this and assert myself, that I wasn't in the wrong by correcting people or demanding respect... but I guess I just couldn't see it till now. Being trans is hard. You all understand this on a far more intimate level than I could possibly put into words. I guess it got to me... I just hope I can keep this up and not let myself slip back into my old ways of thinking.

Emmett is, of course, the biggest supporter I have and it's largely because of him that I've gained such confidence and self esteem. We help support each other during weak times and it helps to have someone who truly understands what you're going through. There is one problem that we seem to have though... and I'm not sure if there really is a solution. Since neither of us are on T yet, we're naturally some rather pretty boys. On our own we can pass alright, but when we're together... people find it harder to believe. We can't just simply tell people that we're both male and leave it at that; people refuse to buy it and we end up having to explain that we're both FtM or letting them think what they want. It seems like a person reasons "okay, sure, maybe there's a really pretty guy, it could happen" but then when there's TWO really pretty guys... they think the odds are too unlikely and get skeptical. The worst part is my response to this problem. It's almost as bad as me not correcting people, but it takes a little bit of explaining.

Emmett likes to crossdress occasionally for conventions. He's gay so he gets some silly little joy out of making himself pretty and also enjoys people's reactions when they find out he's male. I don't mind it much, although I don't understand it (I guess he's more confident and comfortable with himself than I), but I get very protective of him. I don't mind people seeing him as what he is-- a boy in a dress... but obviously because he is cross-dressing, people are going to read him wrong. This bothers me, a lot. So when I started noticing that people would refuse to believe him if I spoke up about being male as well... I stopped. I reasoned that it was more important for him to be read correctly since he's the one in the dress and I would silently let the person perceive me wrong for his benefit. I realized this recently and spoke to him about it, but we've yet to find a solution.

On another subject entirely, I am not yet out to my job... and seeing as it's only a part-time position, i'm hesitant to face the humiliation of coming out to them when I'm certain I'll get judged, gossiped about, and disrespected even after getting up the courage to do it. It still hurts to face going to work every day... but I'm not sure what else to do. I've considered quitting (since I hate the job anyway) and then changing my name legally before applying to a new job... but then there would be a time in which I wouldn't have employment... and I don't even know if I could get hired as openly trans. Obviously employers aren't supposed to discriminate about these things, but unless I can prove it, nothing can be done. It seems such a high risk to take when it's already hard getting a job in this economy. And even if I did get an interview or something... what would happen if they called my old job to ask about my employment there when my old job would have no idea who Thomas is? It's all very tricky and not even my therapist has offered much advice.

Along with name-change issues, I've found myself desperately wanting top surgery more and more, and being greatly stressed that it can't happen right now. When I turn 23, I can no longer be on my mother's health insurance, so I hope to switch to one that will cover my surgery costs... but it's all very confusing to me about how to go about doing this. Does being trans count as a pre-existing condition? In any case, my ultimate goal is to get top surgery before I'm 25, though I'll get it sooner if I can find a way. As for hormones... I want them, but they worry me a bit. I'll have to talk to a psychiatrist about it. I guess I worry that the changes will go farther than I would want them to and I won't be able to revert it.

Aside from all these things, life is pretty good. Obviously it has its ups and downs but I'm content. I would like to talk to some of you all about yourselves... hearing your experiences and stories always helped motivate me and made me stronger when it comes to facing the world. Of course I welcome any advice that you may have for me, but I don't want it to be just about that. My apologies for rambling on so much.

Thomas M. S.