A year ago today, I made an incredibly important decision, one which I am most thankful for... I made the choice to embrace what I am, and pursue life without denying this part of myself.
Around this time last year, I was incredibly frustrated. I had not dressed since 2006. That was the year that saw the end of a relationship with a supportive SO. Though I did not realize it at the time, rather than allowing my femme self to grow in that nurturing environment, I simply became dependent on her. She did my makeup. She made sure my top matched my skirt. Shaving my legs didn't seem worth the itch without her. She gave me the confidence to go into a store and try on what I wanted. And when this ended, I realized that I was still an infant. I couldn't do anything for myself.
Worse yet, I was faced with re-entering the dating scene. I was convinced that lightning had struck, and that I would never find someone accepting again. So in early 2007, on the morning of a big date with a beautiful but vanilla blonde, I carried everything I owned that pertained to Kali, and threw it in the dumpster. Then I walked away.
Fast forward to 2011... though many good things had happened in my life since '07, there was still something indescribable that imprisoned me, yet I could hardly put words to it. The night before Thanksgiving, I was at the bar with some guys from high school. A table away, I wouldn't keep my eyes off the brunette in a short skirt, with long, smooth legs that ended deliciously in a black platform pump. Part of the reason for my wandering eye was the overt idea that I wanted to be with her. Yet as I sat there and ogled, I realized that, just as much... I wanted to be like her. But I didn't know how. I couldn't just go home and transform myself into even a crude facsimile of her. A weight still hung upon my heart.
The next day, I spent eating and drinking too much with a girlfriend that I knew I could never tell about this part of me. I was not happy. I knew that, in the words of the gentleman from The Shawshank Redemption, I had to get busy living, or get busy dying.
The next day, I broke up with that girl. I ordered a pair of tan platform pumps from Payless, because a girl has to start somewhere, and it might as well be with a hot pair of heels. I shaved my legs. And as I let the lotion soak into my wonderfully smooth-again skin, I sat down and started googling makeup how-to's. Most importantly, I made a promise to myself - to embrace what I know that I am, and live without denying the integral nature of my trans-self to my wholeness and health as a person.
In the year since, I found the wonderful people and wealth of information at this site. My wardrobe has become more complete than it had ever been - though my bank account, not coincidentally - less so. I have (more or less) kept shaved for that entire year - and the world didn't even end! (; I've learned how to do basic makeup that doesn't look like a drunken four year-old was at the helm. I've learned how too do some basic things with (my natural!) hair. In December, I ventured out for the first time, to drop off a DVD at family video at 1 am. Later, I went out during the day. And again. And again. I went to a social event, and (gasp!) interacted with other human beings while looking as cute as I possibly could. I told a few select friends, and made dates to go shopping with them. I made love as Kali, once again. Holy god, I was alive in a way that I had never before been.
Granted, things are not perfect. The dating thing is a long way from figured out. I can't nearly afford to buy all the clothes I want. Walking in heels can still result in embarrassing awkwardness. But you know what? I couldn't have made a better decision for myself, one year ago today. Rather than live my life in shame, in denial, I can say for once that I've owned the person that I am - and that despite all the fears and reservations I might have once had, things couldn't have turned out too much better. I am so glad that I did this.
I hope that maybe someone can take inspiration from this post. Hiding behind denial was an easy thing to do, but it was always insufferable, no matter what I tried to tell myself. And today, I know that I can be happy being myself (even if I am still generally closeted) - and that there are even some surprising rewards out there. And where a year ago, I could never have found those surprising joys, today I am excited to know that there are more ahead of me.
Thanks for listening!
(:
