How do I describe myself?

[(Sara)]

I've been thinking so much about this recently about if I'm transgender, but I don't know if its quite right to say that, I see myself as a free person who wants to enjoy the best of being a man, and also the best of being a woman. I wouldn't say I dislike it when I'm being a man, its useful and many things are easy to do in such attire, but I have since a young age fantasised about being a woman - I used to have dreams a lot as a boy where I'd change inside of some whimsical machine. So you can see my conflict, I like being dressed as a man, I like being dressed as woman.

If I lived in an ideal world, I'd love just to be able to go from one to another depending on the type of day, or how I feel etc. I feel great when I'm in a sharp suit, I feel great when I'm in a dress with tights, bra and knickers, sometimes I don't feel like being in guy attire, likewise I don't always fancy wearing any girl attire. I don't take on another personality or gender role when dressed, I'm just me either way. I can't imagine myself taking the plunge to become a woman, as I like the idea of being a man as much as i like the idea of being a woman, I couldn't pick one.

Though I am biologically male, I don't feel that I am in the male box with my male friends, also I feel I'm not in the female box with my female friends. I take from both boxes and use what I think is nice. The gender boxes are fixed in mainstream society, I believe gender boxes are nonsense, a penis doest not maketh a man, nor vagina maketh a woman (disregarding the obvious reproductive necessities of biological man/woman). I believe gender identity (regardless of biology) is decided when a man knows he is a man, and a woman knows she is a woman and when a person knows he/she is gender alloy.

I haven't quite found a term to describe where I am at, but I never felt comfortable with transgender, not because of the word as such - but I don't feel the meaning is me.