When I first joined a local group that probably consisted 90% or more of members who transitioned or were transitioning, one of my statements was that I would never let denial get in my way.
Well, a month into therapy and I see the fallacy of my thoughts. After the first session I thought the therapist was breaking down all of my barriers for me. After the second, I realized he was setting them up and I was knocking them down. At the end of the last session, he said my home work was to make my roadmap. After each session, I walked out feeling I was well into the rabbit hole and I had no doubts. I wouldn't take long before I was going through thoughts like "this can't be" and "I want it but the damage it will cause....". Call it denial, confusion, doubt.... I guess it doesn't matter.
So while I looked at others struggling with their decision and made my bold prediction, it was easy not being in the moment myself. I see my enemy now and it is that I am worried about the others around me. More specifically, I look at grandkids pictures and think about my children. I know I am worried about what hasn't happened and I shouldn't. But I am wired that way and I suspect it sounds familiar to others.
And an interesting note you won't hear very often. My wife and I talked and she told me to just transition and be done. Well I did tell her it isn't so easy a thing.... I can be assured I know how one important person in my life stands.
