Disclaimer: This post may be on the long side. If you think it's too much to read, please read a little bit at a time and not just skim through it. Thank you.

First, a little info about myself. I'm a male, 25 (going on 26), straight, a bit of a loner, no friends, I don't socialize, I hardly leave the house and I'm currently living with family.

Ever since their debut I have been into Monster High. Mainly the animated series not the dolls. My main reason for this was because I liked their message about being yourself and how your outward appearance shouldn't matter. I like cheesy stuff like that. Fast forward to Valentine's Day. I'm sitting there watching one of their older movies "Why Do Ghouls Fall in Love" and something suddenly happens. I don't know why but I just started feeling really giddy and girly.

I started paying more attention to the girly, feminine side of the MH girls and it felt liberating to do so. Later that day I started having all sorts of other girly thoughts and didn't feel awkward or ashamed of them. Besides cross dressing, I had never felt "right" about doing anything that is against what society says I should be doing. It feels so good to have these thoughts. It feels like I'm floating on a cloud in springtime despite the fact that it's the winter and freezing.

Now here comes to hard part... my family. My (immediate) family has always been disfuntional yet we've also always had this "we're the only ones we've got" thing about us. Unfortunately most of my family is homophobic. My mom doesn't have anything against gay men but she doesn't like gay women because she believes that they'll try to "do something with her". Also when the subject of homosexuality comes up she'll often ask "you're not like that, are you?" or will say, "you'd better not end up like that". My brother is very homophobic. He can't stand being around gay guys, even if they're a friend of a friend or family member of a friend. My oldest sister has never been keen to the idea of homosexuality and recently she's developed some über-religious type of personality and definitely speaks out against it. Last but not least my other older sister is bi-sexual and has no objections to homosexuality. But she may not be the best person to confide in.

Why am I just talking about homosexuality and not crossdressing or trans-anything? Because none of them has an understanding of any of that stuff. They group it altogether under one one category (homosexuality). This is why it's been impossible for me to embrace my crossdressing. I can get away with it if I turn it into a joke or a Halloween costume idea but I could never crossdress freely as long as I live here. I can hardly get away with complimenting a woman on TV on her clothes or hair or makeup. I can do it a couple of times but one time too many and I'll get a look or a comment.

So, you might be thinking "just move out, that'll solve the problem", right? Well, I am currently on the waiting list for a few apartment complexes so it's really just a matter of time. But moving wouldn't really solve anything. My family are still the closest people I know. It's still going to be a bit of a challenge moving forward. I just hope that maybe someday I can make all of this work and not burn any bridges along the way. And so that concludes my story of self liberation but still being in the closet (so to speak).