Hey,

So, I figured I'd chat with you all and get some opinions... I'll paraphrase a good chunk of this for the sake of time: I've been dressing since I was like 5 or 6, and have always struggled with it and hiding it. Ultimately, the reality is at this point I'm only hiding it from the general public and co-workers, as my family, spouse, and a good majority of my friends know. For the most part, I'd say I have about 75-80% support on this part.

The issue that comes into play is right here: when I do it, I really can't stop myself. What I mean by that is this: I have documented past incidents where I would go out, go shopping, and spend too much money. All you need to know is that the amount spent was not normal. That as a result opened up a whole can of worms that is a whole other story.

I've been seeing psychologists and counselors and all those things, and we've for the last little while been treating this (on my suggestion) as an addiction, based on how, when, and why I do it. When I went through all my little CBT stuff and was showing when I had urges to dress, scenarios, etc - the session essentially stopped, and she just switched the whole train of thought: If I could go out in public, walk into a coffee shop, and just be dressed, would I do it? And, is this something I want to change for me, or for everyone else, because if I'm doing it for society, it's going to ultimately fail.

The other question she posed was the one people would ask a lot: are you happy being a man?

The first answer, for me, is that I totally would go to a coffee shop, if I could, and not get beat to a pulp. The second, is a tricky one for me to answer, and I'll explain in a minute. The last question, what I said to her, and where I really am today, is this: Over the years, I've definitely wanted to just grow my hair out, maybe even get implants or something, and just live that life. But at the same time, I haven't been able to 100% in my head confirm this is a route I'd go, and as such, I can't justify it. I'm not sure if I am not 100% yes or no because it's not for me, or because I'm scared of what could happen.

That part about stopping for me or others is like this: I am married, and I have a wife who is so incredibly supportive and will do anything to help me in any way she can. I could gush over her endlessly, but just know she's super awesome. About a month or two after we got together and she knew, she invited me over to her place to do girly stuff. So, she's that kind of person. The thing is, over the years, I still continued to hide this part of me and lie about it, even though I knew she was ok... so it got to the point that it had to no longer be a part of the picture. To be perfectly fair, I absolutely, 100% brought that on myself, so I won't put her in a negative light because of that. However, I know if I were to embrace this, it'd be this over her, which is hard because I would love both! But if I look at it like an addiction, I know it will consume me like crazy.

Anyway, with all that, I'm left with these scenarios:
- Treat it like an addiction, and get help stopping doing it for good, which is hard as I've done it for so long and love it.
- Accept it within boundaries, which is really hard because I don't think boundaries are going to work long term as I still end up hiding things.
- Accept it with no boundaries, which would mean I'd likely have to move about 5-6hrs away (or more), restart my career (which at this point, honestly, may not be too tricky as I've got a fairly solid resume, and could in theory start my own company if need be), and my marriage would be over
- Consider and possibly transition, which would be essentially the same things as Accepting with no boundaries in terms of consequences.

As a footnote, I'm actually in a fairly level-headed space right now, and just trying to sort through everything, so I can at least get real opinions from others who actually live this out already. I've been working on stopping, but after those questions, I'm now really just curious as to how I should approach this, because while a lot of these questions posed aren't new to me, I've never honestly figured out an answer. I know end of day that answer is from me and me alone, but again - hearing real people tell real world scenarios? Definitely helps me a lot.

What do you all think? Also, if you have any questions, feel free to inbox me.

Thanks everyone!